Self harm urges and giving in

[Ely_]

Hi,

I've been fighting not to self harm more lately as the urges are happening more often. Especially the last week. I have been struggling. I'm at the point now where I want to give in to the urge. I want the numbness. I want the relief. I don't want to fight it anymore.

I saw my abuser's daughter today and that has triggered me alot. I have PTSD and BPD.

I'm trying to distract myself, have been trying mindfulness.

I'm sick of not even being able to shower without wanting to hurt.

I'm so ashamed.

I feel weak and stupid.

[Ely_]

Hi Sarah and all,

I really struggled last night. I've been bottling my emotions up so much lately. Been distracting, disassociating, distancing, withdrawing. Last night I was at a really low point. I failed to stop myself from acting on my urges.

I then spent three hours berating myself and trying to not do any more damage. My partner was asleep and I didn't want to bother her.

This morning after she left for work I did it again. Then I had my psych appointment. I didn't get a chance to talk about self harm. We had connection issues, and focused on my emotional state right now. And that I've been trying not to feel for the last couple of weeks. A couple of hours later I harmed again. I ended up ringing 13 health because I was a bit concerned about one maybe needing medical aid. They suggested attending hospital as I can't get into gp. Leeann (my partner) took me up to the hospital after she got home from work. I was completely open with her about it and why and how. Probably the most honest and open chat since my attempts.
The mental health care team were too busy to see me so are apparently going to call me tomorrow. So...a wasted trip just to open me up for more people to know and judge me.

Now I am home. I rang Mum to let her know, coz I'll be in trouble if I don't. Ended up in a convo about how mum will never approve of my SH and I've got to make better choices... I tried one last time to explain it to her, but am fairly certain she is set in her beliefs and will not accept that it's not as simple as making a smart choice or just thinking positively all the time. I tried to explain black/white and all or nothing thinking to her. Failed at that too....

Now all I can think about is doing it again...

I want to stop feeling, I want to be empty. But when I am empty I hate it and end up exploding. Like today.

I've accessed services today and I'm home still and still in the same head space. I'm an absolute failure. I know all this stuff. I should have all this stuff down. All these tools.

But sometimes I just don't care...

[Sophie_M]

Hi Ely72,

We are so sorry to hear about what you are struggling with right now. We can hear how frustrating it is for you trying to work through this. But please remember that you don't have to do it alone - there is always help available to you.
We also want to let you know that we have sent you a private message with some additional support.
Feel free to tell us more about what you're feeling here, our community is here for you.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Ely

I am so sorry that you are totally consumed with getting to "feeling" or "not feeling", I understand that the need to self harm is so very strong and that it is so very hard to fight, but you are fighting and like any fight there are ups and downs, you are not a failure, you have never been a failure.

I am just wondering of how you feel about my suggestion about the smashing of cups/plates? You could prepare yourself an area that is easy to clean up, but just letting lose and smashing and throwing them and letting them explode, as I mentioned, my friend with anger issues uses this technique and finds it so helpful, it might help you too, just a thought.

Leeann sounds like a beautiful person and a wonderful partner and I can understand that you don't want to wake her while she is sleeping, but sometimes if it helps you you might need to, to have her to be there for you to talk you through a tough time. Reach out to her and let her help you, you are not a burden and I am sure she would rather be a little tired from talking to you all night and being there than having to have you badly hurt physically. I am so happy for you that you had a really good open conversation with her, I can tell this made you feel good too, so perhaps trusting her with some of your thoughts and feelings is what can really help you too. Let her love you and let her be there for you, it is not weak to lean on her.

I am sorry that your mum finds it hard to understand, SH is a really hard thing to understand and to accept that it is an urge that one cannot just stop, there is some real education to be done here and learning for those who have loved ones in this situation. I can only imagine though how hard it is for her to see her beautiful child in this situation too..so I feel for her and I am sure she is trying Ely, even though sometimes it comes of as unhelpful.

Try to put the "should's" in the bin..should be doing this, should be better at this, should know better, should have tools in place to manage this...these thoughts don't help and I hear you that sometimes you just can't be bothered, I understand that too...one step at a time, one hour at a time, the past has happened and so put that over there and think forward, you are worth this life, a happy life, keeping having days Ely, we are here for you.

You are here and are reaching out, sharing and I just hope that there is some small part of what we share here is helpful to you.

Hugs to you Ely and to Leeann too

Sarah

[alasdayr]

Ely,

Sorry to be late to reply to this, but I can identify with what you are saying.

I have SH'd in the past, so I recognize the pain and the lack of understanding that others have. So glad you were able to be open about it with your partner.

In my experience having a safety plan is crucial. Have things that remind you why NOT to SH when the urge surges in you like a wave. The second part of the safety plan is safe diversion techniques that hold you back from following the urge. The third part of the plan is immediate contacts that you can reach out to that you trust, understand SH and can give you a ground to hold onto.

It is hard for those who have not experienced SH or been carer for someone who has SH'd to understand. With your mum, it may help to refer to a SH incident as a desire to release of internal pressure or pain. A lot of people cannot understand drives that do not have a physical focus.

Thank you for reaching out. I hope you can find help and understanding of what is happening inside.

Alasdayr.

[smallwolf]

Hi Ely72,

having all the tools does not necessarily mean we will use them when we need them the most - it is easy for me to say that when you feel triggered do this... but when it happens to me the tools are typically not what I am thinking about. And it takes time to learn or put in the practice what you might have learnt in this area.

when I see my psychologist I get 1 hour to talk about stuff. In that time we might not talk about some of things that I might want to have covered because we go down other pathways. So if you did not get a chance to talk about SH then perhaps at the time did not permit?

but then you probably did the hardest thing to do, and that was being vulnerable to tell your partner and your mum about what has been happening - and that takes real strength and courage. If nothing else you partner will be also be able to give you additional support at this time.

second last comments - you mentioned black and white thinking, should, and failures. Few things I have been good at! Rather than "I should have been able to explain it to mum" change to " I WISH I could have ..." I won't talk about failure here as that exist at different level, but if you were able to and post your story here, you are not a failure, rather you are taking steps in the right direction.

Last bit... you might know this stuff already, but have a look at the following page...

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide-prevention/feeling-suicidal/self-harm-and-self-injur...

Peace and comfort to you,

Tim

[Ely_]

Hi all. Sorry for being quiet a few days. Been trying to keep focussed on uni. I had a couple of days where that worked and I am now caught up and nearly finished my assignment. But today I got some really bad news 😞

My dog, my girl, my bestest friend Ella has a 98% chance of having Lymphoma 😞 The vet said she hasn't seen it spread this far through a dog before, so has started her on steroids to at least try to get her comfortable until the test results come back on Friday. Ella was my first pet, my first trained dog. She was with me through all my seizures and surgeries... She is my companion dog. Just without the piece of paper. I'm devastated. I feel horrible that I lost those three months to hospitals where I could have been home with her and maybe seen something sooner. I feel guilty that I may have put her through extra pain that she mayn't have needed.

I feel anger at the universe for taking her from me, especially now. I need her more than ever! Is this my bad karma back at me from the shit I've done?

I really want to harm myself as a dedication to Ella. The pain would help bring my emotions down. 

I'm worried that once I start that because I'm heightened intensity of emotion atm I won't stop easily.

I just want to feel a different pain than what is in my mind. It's not fair!!!Why does everything and everyone get taken away!!!

[Sophie_M]

Hi Ely72,

Thanks for reaching out to the community tonight. It is so important to reach out like this in low moments like these. We are so sorry to hear about lovely Ella. We can hear the pain in your post and we understand that you are feeling devastated by this and angry at the universe. You are right that loss can be so unfair. Please know that you don't have to go through this alone. We are reaching out to you privately to offer some additional support.

Feel free to keep us updated here on the forums whenever you feel up to it. We are are all here for you and care about how you are feeling and what the vet says.

[Aaronsis]

Hey Ely

I am really happy to hear from you and have been thinking of you, I want to say firstly how proud I am that you have managed to get back into your studies and that you have been catching up and have completed an assignment. This is so fantastic Ely, I am so very very proud of you. You have been going through so very much and to pull yourself out is so admirable.

To have this news about Ella is heartbreaking, as you said she is your best friend and your companion mate, the one who really connects with you emotionally and provides you with so much love. It will be a hard few days until Friday when you get the test results, take this time to spend with her and to love her as you do. I hear what you are saying with the harming yourself to bring your emotions down, but these emotions you are allowed to feel Ely, you are sad and you love her so much, there is no need to make them go away and especially to punish yourself, you have done nothing wrong. Life is full of so many curve balls and the saying goes "bad things happen to good people"...it really is tough.

I am sure that Ella would rather have you there with her than you away being treated for an injury, please stay safe and stay with Ella and enjoy being there at home with her. I am so sorry this is happening to your best friend and to your family Ely, you sure have been through a lot. I agree with you in that starting when you have done so well to be in a better mind set would not be a good choice, I also understand it is sometimes not a choice. You are a good person and are being punished for nothing Ely.

Please stay safe, have some lovely cuddles with Ella and keep her close.

Hugs

Sarah

[Ely_]

I don't know what I'm going to do without Ella. She has got me through some really rough times.

I just had the most scary thought I've ever had... I don't think I can even type it out..

I hate my brain. I hate bpd. I hate that I feel so intensely and that people can't understand why things effect me so much and why I act out/react to intense emotions. I am doing DBT atm, just started.But only mindfulness and I am way past any of that being useful right now. I just want to SH more. I don't want to feel what's on my mind!!! It hurts too much!!!@!

I took my medication (normal dose) earlier to calm me down. which has helped a bit, but I just need to stop thinking about all the things that are going to change. ALl the things I'll miss. All the things that'll just suck without my girl. I can't distract. I'm too far.

IDK what to do....

[smallwolf]

You said that you were way past mindfulness being useful. What techniques would you use?

I like(d) metal and songs with emotional connection and generally on the depressing side. It might be strange but in listening to that gave me a sort of comfort that someone else through a song could identify with how I was feeling. And I was not as alone as I might have been. Call it a distraction or coping tool.

Can you tell me about any of your coping techniques?

As an aside, my psych is also using some DBT with me - using a tool called STOP. Sometimes however, I have to ride out the feeling like a wave. You can try to ride out these waves of feeling? And if you need to speak with someone about what you are feeling... could you do that?

Thinking of you,

Tim