Self harm urges and giving in

[Ely_]

Hi,

I've been fighting not to self harm more lately as the urges are happening more often. Especially the last week. I have been struggling. I'm at the point now where I want to give in to the urge. I want the numbness. I want the relief. I don't want to fight it anymore.

I saw my abuser's daughter today and that has triggered me alot. I have PTSD and BPD.

I'm trying to distract myself, have been trying mindfulness.

I'm sick of not even being able to shower without wanting to hurt.

I'm so ashamed.

I feel weak and stupid.

[Guest_4643]

Hey Ely and Sarah. I hope you're both well.

Thank you for your kind words Sarah, that means a lot to me and I'm glad you think that about me. I try to be. You're both beautiful souls rather than me though and I'm lucky to have you both on here too.

Take care both of you.

Tayla

[Guest_4643]

Hey Ely and Sarah, just wanted to check in and say that I'm thinking of you both. I hope you're both okay and staying safe. Take care.

- Tayla x

[Guest_1643]

Hey Ely - waves to Tayla and Sarah too! Sending big hello!
I just read your thread Ely and i'm really rooting for you

You are going through so much. How do you feel now? Did you make it to the recovery centre??

I've had a similar jounrey with trauma and major triggering events. I get through these events but it is hard! I also stayed inpatient and it helped me so much. Saved my life. I'm so glad I went. I hope you are finding ways to keep safe, know that you give and are so much value. It must be challenging at this time with relationships with your family and SO, i hope it gets easier.

Vanessa x

[Aaronsis]

Hey Ely

Just wanted to stop in and see how you are going and how things are working out for you in the recovery centre?

Also, what changes you have had to make to your safety plan in this really strange time with COVID-19 and the impact it is having on us all?

Sending you my support, my strength and hope you are doing well xx

hugs to you

Sarah xxx

[Ely_]

Hi

I've been home from the centre since last Tuesday. This stay was very much more challenging and turbulent then the first one, but I have learnt a lot from it. The other people staying there during my first week there made it extremely difficult to focus on recovery. There was a lot of harassment, even of staff, and one person was 'asked to leave.' I found it confronting and triggering. The second week was better and I was able to use the time to practice boundaries and communication.

Now I'm home and I'm terrified to start the conversations I need to with my partner. Prior to my 2nd spiral I found out about her telling others about my first attempt. I want to discuss that boundary with her, but am scared that it will go the same way as the 1st time. 'Not well' is mild. I have paperwork on boundaries and a letter I wrote her while I was away. Every day since like the 2nd day I've been home I've been putting it off. I'm afraid of her reaction, and of what it means for our relationship. Or could mean. Can you be in a healthy relationship if someone shares such personal information with people you don't know and they barely know?

I keep going round and round in my head.

I've been meditating every night. It brings me back to where I feel almost normal and calm. Then I can sleep.

I have failed to successfully surf the waves of my urges a few times since being home and have fallen below the surface.

I'm trying to be kind to myself. Failing at that too.

I see my psychologist....after a fashion (a.la...COVID)... on Thursday.

I'm trying to also spend some time studying each day, playing with my dogs/cats and going outside at least twice (morning and afternoon/night). I have also walked the dogs twice this week. Twice more than the whole time I've lived here previously.

I am more in touch with my feelings now... but I don't know if that's always a good thing. Especially when I always feel like I need to control them or dampen them down at least.

I'm here though.

Ely

[Aaronsis]

Hi Ely

It is so beyond wonderful to hear from you and that you are back at home. That is really great news that you have been able to learn some new tips to manage.

I hear how scared you are to talk to your partner about what she has been discussing about you and that is hurtful, while I am not defending her doing so, she probably needs some support too and it grabbing at straws in a hope to find someone to connect with at this time. She needs to hear from you how you feel about this and maybe you could offer her some support in supporting you too, and even direct her to places like BB and even lifeline so as she can get some support and chat to people without having to disclose "you" and reveal to people in your life and hers your current situation. It will be hard but I am sure you have learnt some really great tips to have this conversation with her, maybe make a note for yourself to refer to so you don't get off track, maybe sit outside so that it is almost neutral territory and doesn't come off as threatening but a friendly conversation in which you need her to make some other choices in who she discusses your life with. I think the choice of words you use too can really make the message less accusatory and more of a friendly request..you can even say that to her, that you are making some great progress and you need to make a friendly request of her to help with your wellness journey. I hear that you are hurting from her discussing "you" outside of your relationship but I get too she needs support, she might just need some direction as to where to seek this support.

That is such wonderful news that you have been able to meditate and to be able to rest at night, how wonderful and really makes for a better day when you are refreshed and feel energized from a good night's sleep, I am so happy for you. The waves will come and go but if you can acknowledge them and then ask them to leave, to fall back on some of the things you have learnt at your recent stay and to trust in them, you are on your way to wellness Ely and I am so proud of you, you are here, you have made this journey and you are trying so very hard and you bloody matter, I am so proud of you.

Covid is an interesting time but it is awesome to hear you are studying and surrounded by animals and all in all sound like you are in a much better place, you are so brave and so strong and I really am so happy to hear from you and to know how far you have come.

Chat some more soon Ely xx

Sarah xx

[Guest_1643]

Hi Ely, that sounds irritating to have a difficult group of people there and can be very hard as people use the spaces for sometimes different reasons. I also saw a bit of that when I was in hospital and some people there were not respectful of boundaries. I hope after the offending people left that you had a chance to relax a bit more.

SO nice you're enjoying time with your animals.... do you have both cats and dogs? are you feeling okay to be back home? Did you stay at the recovery centre for a few weeks ? It can be a change to get back . Good luck settlig in and with the psychologist

[Ely_]

Well I don't know what to do. I'm having more unsafe thoughts and urges. It should be a happy day. My partner and I have been together 13 years today. Can't be bothered celebrating. No energy, no motivation. Had to make some phone calls this morning and as a result I am in a weird frame of mind. I've applied for NDIS, but if I get it I probably won't be able to access the most appropriate group DBT therapy here because it is for those who aren't funded. There is only one other group one here and it isn't really good, no 1-1 sessions or phone follow up.

Also spoke to my psychologist's office. They're trying to make me pay full price for my session tomorrow. But everything I've heard and can find says that I should be covered under the new covid medicare telehealth thing. I have a Pensioner Concession card for DSP. So that's a commonwealth concession card and I think that makes it bulk billing. Freaking out because I had to get my partner to ring Mum and borrow money in case they make me pay. They didn't even let me know this until this morning. I will be questioning this with my psychologist tomorrow.

Since I got home not one person has called me to check and see how I am going. I am so hurt and disappointed. I had a couple of texts from my sister and that is all. My best friend rang when she wanted something, but I haven't heard from her since. Not even my mum 😞 I get they were giving me space, but jeez a phone call or a text even... I'm glad I wasn't inundated, but it just feels like no one gives a damn.

I could fall off the end of the world and no one would notice.

[Guest_1643]

That is so upsetting that people don't understand... it's a vulnerable time when you get home and it's really helpful to have someone share. I'm sorry that people didn't step up, that is really sad. It actually makes me angry, if people expect kindness and support themselves, but they don't see how important it is for you right now. The group sounds very good, the one for people without funding. I'm glad you're checking out options, hopefully some will pan out. Are there any other free groups/supports/resources?

I go to a free group at the hospital - pretty good

I'm sorry you feel down. I don't know what else to say about the NDIS and funding but it sounds like a lot to sort through ... I'm sorry your friends and family weren't able to give you the support you needed, that sucks. Hope you are okay at this difficult time.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Ely

I can say for one, I would notice if you fell off the face of the Earth, I would notice and I care, you are on the other end of a screen and I can't reach out to hug you, but you are in my thoughts often, I am so sorry that the people in your life are not responding to you the way you need them too, like your mum, or the way you want them to, like your friends, it is hurtful but can I suggest that perhaps this is something you can add to your list of ways in which people can help you, that you do want them to check in, sure they don't have to come over with a casserole but a call or a text would be really appreciated. I think you are right in that they are giving you space but you can also let them know what you need, in fact you should let them know, it helps them too to be able to support and feel like they are supporting you.

That is alot to worry about with financial costs impacting you getting the help that you really need, it really bothers me that there is this financial barrier for people who need this help so very much and cant/dont get this support due to money and lack of financial aid, I just don't know what we can do as a Country about this, there needs to be more funding in this area.

Congratulations on 13 years with your partner, she sounds wonderful and I am sure she understands that you don't feel like celebrating, in saying that though sometimes when we put ourselves in a situation to almost "fake" having a smile or having a good time, and just do something to make the other person feel good, we actually might end up having a good time in the end too??? Just a thought that you might do something small with her, just to mark the occasion with her.

I am so sorry Ely that you are going through this today and that you are feeling hurt, I hope your appointment goes well tomorrow and that your doctor can give you some good news with regards to the payment, I am glad you have some money so you can still attend it and your mum does love you Ely, I am sure you know this though.

Keep your tools that you have learnt close by and use them and fall back on them when you are feeling like this, trust in what you have learnt and the new skills of communication also. Try to tap into some of those things that work for you when you are feeling bad. I am so sorry Ely that you have this battle to win, but you are such a solider and you are really working so hard at life and I am really proud of you.

Hope to chat some more soon

Sarah xxx