Self harm urges and giving in

[Ely_]

Hi,

I've been fighting not to self harm more lately as the urges are happening more often. Especially the last week. I have been struggling. I'm at the point now where I want to give in to the urge. I want the numbness. I want the relief. I don't want to fight it anymore.

I saw my abuser's daughter today and that has triggered me alot. I have PTSD and BPD.

I'm trying to distract myself, have been trying mindfulness.

I'm sick of not even being able to shower without wanting to hurt.

I'm so ashamed.

I feel weak and stupid.

[Guest_4643]

Hi Ely72.

Just like Sarah, I'm checking in with you. All of us including myself on the forums understand if you need time to yourself & don't feel like coming on the forums, but please let us know that you're OK & you're still here.

We care & we're here to support you the best we can. Please be safe, & please take care of yourself. Remember we're always here if you need us, we'll do our best to help you.

I hope you're alright & I hope things get better for you.

Love & hugs,

Tayla x

[Ely_]

I popped on here to chat again and saw the replies from last month.

I got home from my inpatient stay on Monday. 3 and a half weeks. I learnt and grew a lot. Did a lot of work on mindfulness, communication, boundaries and not hooking onto my thoughts so much.

Then last night it all went out the window 😞

I feel like such a failure.

I got home from the facility on Monday night. Tuesday I had trauma counselling with my normal counsellor. As I was leaving I saw my DV ex's father 😞 Wednesday I had my psychologist appointment. During both those appointments I let them read my story for the first time. I came to a place in myself where I felt ready to write it during my inpatient stay, and share it I thought. Tuesday night I reread what I wrote and I felt very angry and distressed. I wanted the pain to stop so I tried my strategies I'd learnt. Meditation, Ice, Rubber bands etc. Nothing worked. So I harmed.

Last night (Wednesday) I found out that my partner had told many more people about my attempt and inpatient stay from Feb than I knew about. Some of whom I don't know, some she has only met a couple of times. I feel like I have no control over anything. At first I told her it was ok, then I used writing and good communication to tell her how I felt. I ended up getting upset. She asked me if she could still go out to her friend's or should she stay home. I asked her to stay home. After a bit, I asked her to go downstairs so I could ring BBlue and they ended up calling ambos. I went to hosp and they eventually sent me home again.

I now feel empty, like the hospital and my partner dont give a shit, and spent the morning fighting my thoughts.

I am safe. I just want to escape my thoughts and feelings. They scare me, they hurt.

Mum visited me today and told me all about how much she and my partner are hurting. And how I have to stop doing this 😞 I asked her to try harder to understand that I have a mental illness. I think she is blaming my counselling. She doesn't realise the effect that my triggers and my BPD and PTSD both have on me. I have tried so hard to explain, and so have the staff at the facility.

I feel like my world is crumbling. My two rocks, my mum and my partner are detached from me right now and I'm drifting.

Ely

[Aaronsis]

Hello Ely

You have no idea how wonderful it is to hear from you and to know that you are safe and that you are here. I am so beyond proud of you for the journey that you have been on and that you "learnt and grew alot" in your 3.5 week stay as an inpatient. I know you feel lost right now, like everything has been for nothing but you know what..it hasn't..there are so many times that you have fallen back on the things you have learnt and you have said so too, mindfulness, the ice, the rubber bands..you tried, you tried these first and that is amazing..that is where your brain went first, to seek a solution and a positive one..even though you did harm yourself, next time you might not..there is hope Ely and you are making progress.

I can not imagine how hard it is to hear from your loved ones to "stop doing this", and to know how much you are hurting them too. As you mentioned, you are not choosing this and it is so very hard for others to not only understand you are not well, but accept it.

That is so very wonderful that you have written your story out and once again another step so very much forward that you have shared it with those that can help you, this is huge Ely...you are no failure..no failure at all...you are fighting so very hard and I am so proud of you.

I am sorry that your night ended with another trip to ED but safety is paramount, that was wonderful communication from your partner to ask you want you wanted and needed at this time, the fact she has done this shows she cares so much Ely and your mother, they have expressed their pain to you, which comes out of love, not out of not caring. I hear that you feel empty and that you just want these thoughts to go and the feelings to be of peace, you are making such progress Ely, you really are and it is time and it is practice and you are fighting so hard, you are going to get further on your wellness journey.

I hear you say that your two rocks are detached from you now and you feel like you are drifting..do you know what you want from them, is it just to sit with you? to talk? to hold you? please reach out to them and tell them how they can be there for you so they support you how you need to be supported. Tell them you don't want to drift further away and pull them back in with communication.

I am so proud you called BB, that you are here talking and that you have shared your past few weeks journey.

You are so much stronger than you know Ely.

All my support to you and love too

Sarah xx

[Ely_]

Sarah,

Thanks for your reply.

I just feel so empty right now. I feel myself wanting to lose control, to give in to the urges. I don't want to feel this way. Mental health just called. I have to just keep doing what I'm doing. Why does it have to be so hard to fight my own mind? Why do I have to hurt so much?

[Guest_4643]

Hi there Ely, apologies for my slow replies.

As Sarah said, it is so wonderful to hear from you. I actually smiled when I saw that you commented back, because I've been thinking of you.

I'm so proud of you for seeking help, it may have been hard but you're still here and I'm extremely proud of you. I'm so sorry that you've gone through so much though but just remember, you're stronger mentally and physically than you think. Please don't hurt yourself though, I understand that it's hard but you are loved. We love you here, on the forums. And I'm sure those you mentioned love you aswell even if they don't fully understand which hopefully they soon do, I'm sorry that they don't get how you're feeling.

Just remember, we are always here if you need us, just to vent, some support, someone to listen, anything at all. And that's not just Sarah and I, that's the whole forums. We love and care about you and we want you to be okay and safe.

It's perfectly fine if you need time to yourself, to gather your thoughts and have some self care, it's a necessity so don't feel bad, you have nothing to be ashamed of. You've dealt with so much and I'm so glad that you're still here, seriously. You're doing so well even if you don't think so. You have no idea how strong you are inside and out.

Sarah is right about everything she said in her reply to you. We'll always care and support you in any way that we can, all of us on the forums including myself. Just remember that, that we'll never judge you and you're in our thoughts.

Please take care of yourself and be safe Ely. If you feel up to it, there's heaps of positive threads in the BB Social Zone that you can read through, if you wish.

We love you and we care, we're always here.

Love and hugs, take care. Forever your friend,

Tayla

[Guest_4643]

Hi to you also Sarah.

Thank you for supporting Ely and for your lovely words, I completely agree with you. I hope you're well yourself, I've been thinking of you too.

Take care Ely and Sarah, lots of love to you both.

Tayla x

[Aaronsis]

Good Morning Tayla

It is so wonderful to have your care and your support here, when you yourself have your struggles too.

You are a beautiful, caring and warm soul and the love you share here is felt by those you engage with.

Thank you to you...

Much love and huge hugs

Sarah xxx

[Guest_4643]

Aw thank you so very much Sarah, that means a lot to me and I'm glad you think that. The same applies to you. I try to be there for people and put my issues aside kind of thing. You're the same, and you Ely, about being beautiful, caring, warm etc.

Much love and huge hugs back to you and Ely.

Ely, are you feeling OK today, how about you Sarah?

Tayla x

[Ely_]

Hi Tayla, hi Sarah. I hope you are both having good days.

I self-harmed again last night n spent last night n today in ed. Now in the mental unit.

Feel so lost, empty and uncaring. They have re-referred me to the place i was in b4 but it might be a while b4 im allowed back. Meantime here and hope these thoughts become waves that subside instead of tsunamis crashing through my skull.

See what tomorrow brings... i know Mum is pissed. My partner is barely speaking to me. My best friens n sister visited and they were both good but i feel so distant and separate. So alone.

I had a antianxiety tab a bit ago to try relax. I have to sleep. I am tired. But I dont feel safe in the ward to be that zonked out as the new medication makes me.

Ely

[Guest_4643]

Hey Ely. It's good to hear from you again. Hi to you also Sarah.

Please, please take care of yourself, and please don't hurt yourself. You're stronger mentally and physically than you think. Have you tried methods such as drawing a Butterfly on you? The point is not to hurt the butterfly, and of course yourself.

You're not uncaring at all. It's okay to feel this way, your feelings are valid, we understand how much you're struggling and I'm sorry that others can't understand, but we on the forums do.

We'll always care, love and support you, and we'll never judge. We're worried about you. Please be safe and take care of yourself, whatever that may be that makes you happy and that you feel like you need to do.

If you need to take time away from here then that's perfectly fine, we understand, and we're always here for you. Please please don't hurt yourself. That breaks my heart and makes me worry and sad for you.

Lots of love and hugs to you Ely, and to you too, Sarah. Please take care of yourselves.

Tayla x