Relapse

[Kailani]

Hi, I am new to the online forum and just want to stress that I am currently safe. I recently relapsed for the first time in a while. I have had other individual relapse occasions but this is the worst relapse in a while. I won't mention how as that is not appropriate but what scared me was it felt good (I am in no way promoting self harm as I know deep down it is not healthy and only offers temporary relief). I found I was calm afterwards and it temporarily relieved my inner turmoil. I currently have no support network. I don't see a psychologist and my family are unaware of my behaviour. I guess what I wanted to ask was how do you guys deal with the shame and guilt of relapsing? How did you eventually get some help? I am not yet ready to reach out and ask for help but I hope I am in the near future. Finally I want to end this by saying I hope everyone is safe and well, remember you are not alone in this fight!

[Kailani]

Hi Smallwolf! Thank you for your kind response! I guess we are in this fight together. I guess self worth is something I am just struggling with right now. I hope u are doing well today and that I can offer you comfort if you should need it. Sorry if this reply is all over the place, today has been a bit overwhelming.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Kailani,

You are very welcome- and likewise; I really hope being here does help, even if it's just a little!

If it's okay with you, I just wanted to share a couple of resources-
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/suicidal-thoughts-and-self-harm/instead-of-h... 

and the app 'Calm Harm' which I've actually used myself. Sometimes if you can postpone the self-harm (even if it's just a little bit) it can help. I hope the journalling helps as well 🙂

We're always here if you need us

rt

[Kailani]

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to post an update. This is kind of proving to be a thread where I can just vent my feelings so there is no need to reply. I do not want to be a burden! I have now relapsed for a few days in a row and it does not look like I will stop anytime soon. I am finding that it relieves my stress and makes it easier for me to pretend to be ok. I am worried about hiding it though as it has gotten to the point where there are no reasonable excuses to cover for it anymore. I am battling thoughts along the line of would it be better if I am dead. But I have not planned anything and at the moment do not intend to. It is just so hard to continue with everyday activities while also battling these thoughts. Thank u for your support and I hope if u should ever need some support that I can be here for u!

[Sophie_M]

Hey Kailani 

Thanks for the update. Things sound quite difficult for you at the moment. It must be really hard to be battling suicidal ideation. We're glad that you've shared this with our community and we wanted to remind you that you aren't alone and that we're here for you. You mentioned not having suicidal intent - if at any point this changes, we encourage you to call emergency services on 000 (Triple zero). We also just wanted to say that it is perfectly fine to have a relapse - relapse is a sign that you had succeeded in stopping something that you wanted to stop. It's all part of the process of change! If you feel like you'd like to talk these feeling through with a professional, we encourage you to contact Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it. 

[bettertomorrows]

Hi Kailani,

Thank you for being so honest and open about what you've been feeling lately. I'm sorry that you have relapsed but I'm so glad that you've found your way on here and have met the lovely and supportive members of this community already.

I'd just like to share some of my experiences about talking about self-harm and suicidal thoughts to reassure you that it is safe to seek help when you need to. Help is available to help you get through tough times and keep you safe.

For me, I first sought help from a counsellor who referred me to the Mental Health Crisis team regarding my suicidal thoughts. I was triaged over the phone and met up with community mental health nurses. We worked together to create a care plan, and discussed removing any dangerous materials, which we did as I agreed to it. I have been disclosing my recent relapses with my counsellor who has been very supportive and no further action has been needed. They have been helping me in developing alternative coping strategies and practising my safety plan.

I think reaching out for help can be incredibly scary but you are so brave and I admire that you are wanting to get help. As many above have shared and you have pointed out, self-harming can be addicting in that it provides temporary relief but it follows with shame and other problems. In the process of my seeking help, often after confirming your safety, counsellors, psychologists and mental health teams are supportive and respectful of confidentiality. They don't do things or force you to do things unless you feel that you are able to and that you want to.

Someone has shared with me that recovery or healing is not linear, and some days can feel worse than others, particularly the first few after relapsing or talking about it with a trusted person. That doesn't mean that something is wrong with you, just as it can be tiring going for physiotherapy after a surgery, or how your leg can hurt and you may blame yourself for clumsiness after stubbing your toe (may not be the best analogies!), the same can happen with your mental health journey, and that's okay.

Take care Kailani, and feel free to post as much as you want to when you feel like it. We are here for you.

[Kailani]

Thank you for your responses Sophie_M and bettertomorrows. Your insight and advice is very much appreciated! I have contacted some online services recently but I think I am going to try and avoid contacting them again for a while. While they are immensely helpful in some regards, I am finding that it is only worsening my frustration. The time restraints they have to work with (which are in no way their fault) make me feel rushed and like a burden. I just don't want to be this person that takes up their time when there are other people out there that deserve help. The truth is I am just too weak to get help. To pathetic. I deserve to be punished for my weaknesses and flaws.

And can I have a little vent and say that there are so many other forms and assuming that someone self harms by one method can be dangerous. And this idea that self-harming in one way is worse than any other form of self harming is so d*mn damaging. It makes my pain feel less validated. Like I am being a cry baby. Maybe I am being a cry baby? Maybe this is all a cry for attention because I am weak? Maybe this is all the result of me being worthless and stupid.

Argh this is just all so frustrating. How am I meant to battle a force that is tens time stronger than me. How I am meant to deal in a society that cares more for money and appearance than the mental health of its citizens. A world which values financial progression over saving the world and its inhabitants.

I am so sorry for this annoying long rant. I know I am being a burden. I do not expect any replies. To finish this post I am safe as always. Because I do not have the courage to do anything. And in the morning when I wake up I will regret this rant and realise that I fed into my negative feelings. Stay safe and healthy everyone!

[Sophie_M]

Hey Kaliani,

Thanks for posting here and updating us on how you're doing. It's great you contacted online services, that shows your strength and willingness to reach out for support which isn't always easy. We're sorry that it may feel like you're a burden on them but please be assured that's not the intention of time limits on support call and the counselors working on these support services care about your wellbeing. You deserve help, support and kindness just as much as anyone else because you're a valuable, worthy individual. We're also so sorry that you're struggling with difficult feelings at the moment.

You mentioned you are safe and that is great, if this changes at any point, we encourage you to call emergency services on 000 (Triple zero). We also strongly encourage you to continue reaching out for support. You can continue to contact online and telephone support and any offline supports (like a therapist/counselor). And we hope you will continue to post here and let us know how you're doing whenever you feel up to it. We are here for you and are glad you are part of our wonderful community.

[geoff]

Hello Kailani, it does feel such a letdown if you've battled through this illness for such a long time, then being able to overcome in a manner that suits you, to suddenly have a relapse, and I think the first time this happens, not only shocks you but you can't understand why because everything was going along smoothly and now you feel back to where you originally were.

It's not wanting attention, that's when your heart is pounding so fast so when a person you really like walks into the room, a relapse has a different feeling and when you, unfortunately, experience one, it will be obvious, that pressure returns.

It may have triggered a response you weren't expecting that has startled you and you're not prepared on how to handle it, but remember you're coming back into the world a different person now and your life has changed.

If you know how long any relapse lasts, a week, fortnight or maybe more, then you have hope when you experience one that you know it will be after that period, that's what happens with me.

We know how you feel and you definitely have our thoughts.

Take care.

Geoff.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Kailani,

I'm so glad that you are still posting here and others are jumping into offer some support.

I just want to try and emphasise to you that you aren't a burden, you aren't pathetic and you aren't a crybaby - not even close.

I'm not sure who or what gave you the idea that some sort of self-harm is more/less damaging, because it can all be damaging and all be dangerous. We don't talk about methods here, but I don't underestimate how hard this is for you and the pain you must be in to want to hurt yourself in this way.

The time constraints are so hard and kind of defeating, but it isn't about you not deserving help or being too weak - but just divving up the time because everyone is important. The same goes for these forums- no matter what people are going through, everyone here deserves responses. Plus if there were no time limits on these calls I'm 1000% sure I would chat to someone all day!

Kailani - while I know you don't see any of it right now, you are full of resilience and strength. It's so hard to keep going when the idea of suicide can seem so appealing and harming is so alluring, but you are still here with us. That's a mighty hard thing to do. While your relapse might be continuing at the moment, you did make it for such a long time, so you know and we know that you have those skills inside of you.

I hope in time that you'll see this too. It's the hardest thing being in such emotional pain (especially when nobody can see it), but we are here for you in every way that we can be.

rt

[Kailani]

Thank u everyone for the replies. This community is honestly wonderful and more than welcoming. Your advice and words are very comforting! Today has been especially hard. I have struggled to keep myself safe. But I have managed so far. It is not easy when u have access to items/objects that can be harmful. But I think I am safe for tonight which is good. Once again I cannot thank u all enough for your continuous support! Please remember how awesome and amazing u are and I hope that today has been kind to u all!