Relapse

[Kailani]

Hi, I am new to the online forum and just want to stress that I am currently safe. I recently relapsed for the first time in a while. I have had other individual relapse occasions but this is the worst relapse in a while. I won't mention how as that is not appropriate but what scared me was it felt good (I am in no way promoting self harm as I know deep down it is not healthy and only offers temporary relief). I found I was calm afterwards and it temporarily relieved my inner turmoil. I currently have no support network. I don't see a psychologist and my family are unaware of my behaviour. I guess what I wanted to ask was how do you guys deal with the shame and guilt of relapsing? How did you eventually get some help? I am not yet ready to reach out and ask for help but I hope I am in the near future. Finally I want to end this by saying I hope everyone is safe and well, remember you are not alone in this fight!

[Sophie_M]

Hey Kailiani, welcome to our friendly online community, we are so glad you decided to join us here. We know it can be hard to write the first post, so thank you for having the courage. It sounds like things a challenging for you right now, and that you have been reflecting on self-harming behaviours. We are so sorry to hear that you have been experiencing difficulties with relapsing. We're sure that a lot of our community members will relate to these feelings and hopefully some of them will pop by to offer you words of wisdom and kindness. Thank you for letting us know that you are safe tonight. For future reference, If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 
Please stay in touch.
 

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Kailani,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for joining us! I just saw that you made another post on OCD so I'm really glad that you're posting here and being apart of this community.

I'm also really glad that you're here talking about your relapse, and it sounds like this isn't something that you want to do again - because the negatives of self-harm outweigh the pros, right?

With relapse, I think self-compassion is so key in this one. When people self-harm (even myself), we are coping the very best way that we can at that time. Sure - it's not the best way of coping, but it is coping.

Somehow you've managed to get some sort of streak up of not self-harming - whether that's hours or days or weeks, which means that you've been finding other ways to cope instead of self-harm. So I think you should give yourself some credit for that, because not self-harming can be really really hard when it feels like a go-to.

I hope that somehow you can remind yourself of all the great work that you've done so far, and see how you can implement more of those strategies so that you don't have to self-harm again.

Thanks for being here Kailani, I hope this helps,

rt

[Kailani]

Thank you for responding! Your advice is very much appreciated. I guess my main hesitation in contacting Beyond Blue or other online mental health services is I am fearful of how they will respond to my admission of my behaviour. While I know that they will not react with disgust or shock as they deal with this kind of thing often, I am more worried about what responsibilities they have. I know they are bound by the duty of care policy among other things and I guess part of me is scared that they will feel the need to tell an external agency or entity about my behaviour. In addition, I also feel as though I am taking up their time when so many others clearly need help. Once again thank you for your response, I hope you are having a good day!

[Kailani]

Thank you for your response! I am in a bit of conflict over whether the negatives out weigh the positives. I am just in a place at the moment where my behaviours are helping me keep a float. I know deep down that these behaviours are wrong and not sustainable but at the moment they are something I can control. Thank you for reminding me to reflect on my past achievements. In a way I am almost proud of myself for continuing to push on despite what is going on in my head. This community seems like a great place and I am very grateful for being allowed to be part of it. I hope you are having a good day!

[smallwolf]

Hi. On reading your story I was struck by something you said in your reply to Sophie_M.... others need more help than you. I was at my psychologist today and we spoke about that very thing. I commented that my problems are first world problems and I should be able to ... I think you get where this is going. Logically I know that it does not matter what makes me feel low, the pain in real.Thinking back to how something made me feel and I know it is real. You are deserving of help or support just as much as me or anyone else. Self compassion is hard! And while you have relapsed you have also gone for a long period and have the skills and resources to get through this. listening to you

Tim

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Kailani,

It's great to hear back from you!

Uh, okay - so does that mean that you think you might be continuing to self-harm (or relapse)? If it would help at all, you're welcome to chat about the conflict here - or even write it down. Journalling has been a big one for me. You said 'behaviours', which makes me think that it wasn't just the one time now. If you want to keep talking about this I'm totally open to it.

I hope you are having a good day too 🙂

rt

[Sophie_M]

Hi Kailani, we are glad that you continue to share your thoughts and feelings with the community and certainly understand your hesitation in relation to seeking help. To clarify, everything about your contact with us is secure and confidential and there is no information passed on without your consent. The only exception to this is when we are concerned about your safety or the safety of another person.

In such a situation, we have a duty of care to protect you and/or other people, and we may contact the police, ambulance or a crisis support service to assist. However, we will always try to talk to you about this before it happens.

Talking about self-harm as you are doing here is important if that is how you are feeling, so again having a discussion with us does not necessarily mean the counsellor will call emergency services. As this is only occurs in rare cases, we do encourage you to be open about how you’re going at the moment so that we can put you in touch with the right supports to help you feel better. We hope this information has been helpful and that you keep connected with us.

[Kailani]

Hi, thank you so much for the advice/information. By informing me about things such as duty of care you are helping calm down. I took a big step today and discussed my behaviour with a counsellor on Kidshelpline. I thought I would feel some relief after talking to them but I just feel empty and heavy.

[Kailani]

Hi, thank you so much for continuing to engage with me. I hope that if the time comes I can to offer you some support. Yes unfortunately I have continued to relapse for the past few days. And today has been pretty rough. I think I will give your idea of journalling a try! Once again thank you for the support, I hope u are well!