Recovery from suicide attempt - it can be done

[Junior1962]

Hi everyone 

I wanted to post something positive about how recovery from being suicidal can happen. 
I am a first timer. I’ve had episodes of depression but don’t usually go deep enough to be suicidal. My heart goes out to all of you and your mental health struggles. Bipolar runs in my family. Mum was a hospital admission last year and sadly, is now a resident in aged care. My 32 yr old son has autism and bipolar 2. 
My story is one of a battle with depression while supporting Mum (My older brother and I worked together) in hospital and Dad - who has Alzheimers- at home. Both are in their 80s. I was suicidal a year ago and made plans - but had a powerful spiritual experience and didn’t follow through. My naturopath helped me to sort the many Imbalances in my body and I recovered - for a time. 
Dad followed Mum into care in January and my brother and I sold their house. I then found myself being drawn into being a caregiver for Mum when I was already exhausted and struggling. Suicidal thoughts crept in but I pushed them away. I just tried to keep going - until I couldn’t. 
One sleepless night, I attempted …..

My husband took me to the ED… I was offered mental health support and I accepted. I was in a daze. This was 4 months ago. I was diagnosed with caregiver burnout.
I had five sessions with a psychologist, two with a psychiatrist- all from Monash Health and Medicare funded - and found myself doing a lot better. I’m now seeing a private psychologist and have improved even further. 
My son is almost my fully transitioned into supported accommodation and I am learning to deal with the things that wore me down. 
Very few people know what I did. I haven’t felt ready to tell them. But my whole outlook has changed. Getting help and being prepared to face my demons is what has changed me. I’m not good at asking for help. I’m better at helping others. I’m actually working on that in therapy. 
My message to you all is,- don’t be afraid to ask for help. Don’t be afraid to open up and let people in. They can’t help you if they don’t know you are in pain. If you don’t like the health professional you are seeing, ask to see someone else. A good relationship with that person is paramount. Therapy won’t work if you don’t trust them. 
Most of all, trust that you have it in yourself to overcome this. Your life IS worth living. People DO care. You just have to let them in. 

[Junior1962]

Hi The Rising and Eagle Ray

I've been away - on a cruise for a week.  Just to Kangaroo Island and then on to Tasmania. I've been to Kangaroo Island twice now and haven't spotted a single kangaroo. lol.  I'm a bit tired of cruising.  We've been on about 9 cruises now and they're all starting to look the same. Still it was good to get away. 

Rising, I totally agree about self- understanding. I always feel like it's when times are the toughest that we are actually growing the most.  It's through a journey of self-discovery, usually in the aftermath, that we find new strength and wisdom. I've certainly learned some interesting things over the past few months.  One is that I honestly feel safe in the universe - enough to finally realise that my marriage to my husband is just not working anymore.  We finally admitted it to ourselves the other day and oddly, we're actually getting along better!  We are going to separate but not with acrimony or vengeance.  It's going to be slow and steady with me moving into one of the bedrooms upstairs and us gradually sorting out the financial side. We may even be able to remain housemates for some time into the future.  I was always afraid of being alone.  I've never lived alone but I have this new perspective - and I know I can do it.  Whatever happens in life - I'm safe in the universe.

In terms of life-learning a former psychologist and I once agreed that I was doing Honours in Life.  I think I've now graduated to a PhD!!

I have to get ready for my exercise physio class now.  Just wanted to stop by and acknowledge the comments from both of you.  I've really enjoyed interacting with you both in recent months.  Hopefully we can continue to do so for some time to come 🙂

I'll stop by again soon 

[therising]

Hi Eagle Ray

I like that, mastering simplicity. I am deeply grateful for the reminder. I'd forgotten about that being something I wanted to begin doing some time ago. A fast pace and many distractions/obligations led me to forget about it as being one of my top goals. To simply do things, to simply feel the breeze with life saying 'Can you feel me?', as it brushes past me, is beautiful. To hold my hands up to the sun, rubbing them together in front of what is simply the earth's largest 'fireplace' is a humbling and comforting feeling. I love Eckhart Tolle's take on 'enjoying' life: 'Enjoying' becomes 'In joy in'. For example, 'I am enjoying the warmth of the sun' becomes 'I am in joy, in the warmth of the sun'.

Junior1962, I love it...Honors in Life. So many different ways to graduate through life. Can graduate through a lead up to something greater, graduate through a specialty, graduate with others (as a group) or independently, graduate through pure inspiration or 'The school of hard knocks', graduate through greater understanding of the mind, the body or the soul or all 3 combined etc etc. So many different ways to graduate. Taking time out just to cruise through life is definitely a must when there's so much work involved in graduating. Glad you had a good time. Perhaps the adventurer or visionary in you is saying to you (while rubbing hands together in anticipation) 'Okay, time for a new adventure. Ready for some recreation (re-creation) of a different type?'.

We are re-creating ourselves every day and that is something to be incredibly proud of.

[Junior1962]

Hi Rising

thank you for your interesting comments. In terms of growing or creating, I feel like I’ve finally reached a point where I can feel comfortable with the idea of living alone. My husband is a good person but he is incapable of expressing love and supporting me emotionally in the way I believe is needed in any relationship. He’s not even good with physical contact. I’ve been unhappy for a long time but tried to make it work. I believe in the marriage vows. I also didn’t have the confidence to do it alone - and now I do - so maybe, in a sense, this is a graduation for me. 
we have a two storey townhouse also I am going to move upstairs. I’m more relaxed now that I’ve changed my outlook. I no longer have to waste my energy trying to make our relationship work. It’s a relief. We think that if things stay friendly and civil - as they are right now - that we can stay housemates for a while and just let things evolve. I feel good. I’m looking forward to buying a new bed and setting myself up upstairs. I’m free 🙂

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Junior

I’m so glad you feel safe in the universe. What a great turn of phrase. It helps me to feel safe 🙏 I’m glad you’ve been able to work things out amicably with your husband. It sounds positive and that you are moving in a direction that is aligned with your heart and soul. Good on you!

And hi The Rising. I just know simplicity really helps me. There is a lovely breeze that comes through my window, and even when I’m not feeling good at all, it always improves how I feel, somehow through the sensory system I think. I like the idea of “in joy in”. Today I had a lovely forest walk and I would say I am in joy, in the sights and sounds of the beautiful birds I saw.

[therising]

Hi Junior

That's good to hear, reforming the relationship into something that works. In the process of change, housemates can work as the way forward is mapped out. A lonely and disappointing relationship is definitely not a healthy one. It can end up being a mind altering relationship in good and not so good ways. This is something I can relate to, as of a couple of months ago my husband has come to live in the little flat in the back yard and the kids and I live in the house. We are actually developing a healthy friendship in the process, the kind of friendship that has never been there through the whole 25 year relationship. Interesting times.

In a good way, (throughout an unhealthy relationship) you can discover the truth of who you are. I'm an adventurer, based on me longing for adventure so much. I am a wonderer, based on me wondering so much about life and all the constructive changes that can come about in my relationship, regarding the way forward. I'm a goal setter, a visionary, based on me constantly wanting to set goals for the future, one's I can see taking the relationship in new positive directions. The list goes on when it comes to discovering who you really are, through a longing that can grow so deep and strong over time.

The not so good part: 'I face almost constant disappointment as I appoint my partner to add ventures with me and he dis-appoints himself through the phrase 'That's just not me'. As I appoint him my partner in wonder, he dis-appoints himself through the phrase 'That's just not me. I don't wonder about those kinds of things'. As I appoint him as my fellow visionary and future goal setter, he disappoints himself through the phrase 'That's just not me. I don't want to change. I'm happy with the way things are'. When our partner becomes an 'anchor', as opposed to a co-captain, how are you meant to set sail together?

[Junior1962]

Hi Rising

As I said to my therapist the other day - I'm into seeking knowledge and thus wisdom.  Vedanta is about that but I'm not going to seek out a guru or follow that path.  I've just always had an enquiring mind and wanted to learn things.  I've got a number of Great Courses which are courses put together by university professors.  They do a series of lectures, and you can just watch them.  You can also buy guidebooks.  I've only finished two so far as I've just not had time in recent years.  I want to go back to doing them - so this is how I can seek knowledge and wisdom.  I feel really good about that.

In terms of my relationship with my husband, he's a good person and I'm not in a hurry to leave - but I've long felt somewhat constrained by his very conservative ways.  He's risk averse.  I'm not an adventurer and I'm reasonably conservative too - but not as much as him.  I'm also deeply spiritual and he's just not.  He's an agnostic.  I was once a Christian but abandoned that during what I call the IVF Years because it just didn't stand up.  It was part of my traumatic grief.  Ultimately, I reframed it and I now believe in a divine universe.  As I think I've mentioned before, I find myself drawn to the eastern philosophies - especially Hinduism.  My therapist is really interested in these too, by sheer coincidence, and it's been really good sharing some of my deeply held beliefs with him.  He actually asked me the other day where my spirituality came from.  I said, I think it's always been there. I think I came into the world with it.  He has said that most people aren't where we both are in terms of - I guess - being awakened to what we talk about it.  That includes my husband.  Don't get me wrong.  Hubby doesn't hold me back. He's just not in tune with me on this. He has said that my NDE has shaped my whole life and he is right.  When all else has failed, I've been able to look back on that and know that it was real.  It was obviously a profound experience.

[Junior1962]

"When our partner becomes an 'anchor', as opposed to a co-captain, how are you meant to set sailtogether?" - Great comment. That's exactly how it has been feeling. I described it as a millstone around my neck. I NEED to move bedrooms so I can remove that millstone. I am hopeful that we can continue to co-habit as he has many good qualities such as reliability, honesty, stability and I'm not in a hurry to throw those away. My therapist says he feels that by burdened by always caring for others, I lose the joy I gain from doing things for others spontaneously. It was a great insight and something for me to ponder going forward.
I am interested in your comments about you and your husband. Are you in similar situation to me? We've been married for 38 years - and I've been lonely in that marriage for a very long time. I won't air our dirty laundry hear but suffice it to say that I just can't do it anymore. I do have feelings for him, but I can't keep being disappointed. It's really not good for me. Finally, thanks to this therapy, I feel ready to follow this path. For too long I was simply too afraid of being alone to make this move. I guess I'll just have to do what I have to do and see what the universe has in store for me

[therising]

Hi Junior

I get what you mean about feeling like you've always been a spiritual person and it's about the awakening of that, who you naturally are. There is just so much I love about the spiritual side of things, too many things to name. I especially love the way certain teachings strip things right back to understanding what's natural or what is in our nature in conjunction with the nature of life. It becomes about understanding the connection or why there's a sense of disconnection at times.

I can also relate to the challenges of having a partner who has no interest in looking at things from a more natural perspective. I've tried to make things relatable to him but it's almost like he's determined to keep that part of his mind closed. I think (in a nutshell) he's sees it as 'silliness' and therefor doesn't want to be labelled as 'one of the silly people'. There are times though when I've led him to be amazed by aspects of spirituality and the fact he finds some of these within himself at times. I amuse myself by saying 'Oh no, I think you're becoming a bit of a woo woo person. You'll have to stop that'. I should say, I love using the phrase 'In the world of the woo woo people...'. For example, if someone suddenly comes up with a solution from out of nowhere, when asked 'Where did that come from?' in their amazement they may say 'I have absolutely no idea. It just suddenly came to mind from out of nowhere'. I'll ask 'Did you see the solution or did you hear it?'. If they've heard it, I may say 'You do know, in the world of the woo woo people, this is known as clairaudience (clear hearing). If you were to see the solution, that would be clairvoyance (clear vision)'. I think a lot of people are inclined to see these natural traits more about being able to see and hear 'ghosts', when it's simply about the ability to see and hear naturally, intuitively, without thinking. The solutions come to you. Of course, they can't enter in through a closed mind 😊

[Junior1962]

Hi Rising and Eagle Ray

Just wishing you both a Merry Christmas

(seems strange to be saying that on this forum). I hope you can both get some joy from the occasion 😊

I am in a far better place now than I was this time a year ago. If the universe wants it for me - I don’t think I will be attempting again ☺️

I’m not done with therapy yet but when I am, I plan to finish the book I have already written about this difficult time. It begins with a prequel about my last life. 
Peace and joy to you both 🧘‍♀️🎄🌹

[therising]

All the best to you at this time of year and into the next year Junior and Eagle Ray. Thanks for the well wishes Junior.

It was a strange Christmas day, the first Christmas in helping my dad manage with quite progressive dementia. If I could make one wish and have it be granted it would be to wish my dad peace, for him to pass in his sleep sooner rather than later. He's on the threshold, with dementia, so he knows he's losing a lot of his mental abilities as his physical health also suffers. Apologies for being a bit of a downer. In your experience with being a carer to those who suffer, you'd know the challenges and changes strengthen you as they test you. The challenges bring so much into question on that quest to understand others, yourself and life in greater ways. While the nature of some challenges can be depressing, it can take so much work and strategy not to become depressed through them.

Junior, I'm so glad you're in a better place compared to this time last year. The sense of pride experienced in all the work it's taken to get to a certain point is something worth basking in. Tell it how it is...'I have amazed myself therefor I am amazing. I have worked like a champion therefor I am a champion. I have exercised incredible strength in reaching this point therefor I am one of the strongest people I know'. Tell it how it is. Tell the truth. Know yourself through the truth and don't accept anything less than the truth.

To share your journey in finding the truth, through a book, is a beautiful thing. Whenever I open a book, I begin with the thought (in relation to the author) 'What do you wish to share with me? What do you wish to tell me?'. I typically end the book with a heartfelt 'Thank you'.