Recovery from suicide attempt - it can be done

[Junior1962]

Hi everyone 

I wanted to post something positive about how recovery from being suicidal can happen. 
I am a first timer. I’ve had episodes of depression but don’t usually go deep enough to be suicidal. My heart goes out to all of you and your mental health struggles. Bipolar runs in my family. Mum was a hospital admission last year and sadly, is now a resident in aged care. My 32 yr old son has autism and bipolar 2. 
My story is one of a battle with depression while supporting Mum (My older brother and I worked together) in hospital and Dad - who has Alzheimers- at home. Both are in their 80s. I was suicidal a year ago and made plans - but had a powerful spiritual experience and didn’t follow through. My naturopath helped me to sort the many Imbalances in my body and I recovered - for a time. 
Dad followed Mum into care in January and my brother and I sold their house. I then found myself being drawn into being a caregiver for Mum when I was already exhausted and struggling. Suicidal thoughts crept in but I pushed them away. I just tried to keep going - until I couldn’t. 
One sleepless night, I attempted …..

My husband took me to the ED… I was offered mental health support and I accepted. I was in a daze. This was 4 months ago. I was diagnosed with caregiver burnout.
I had five sessions with a psychologist, two with a psychiatrist- all from Monash Health and Medicare funded - and found myself doing a lot better. I’m now seeing a private psychologist and have improved even further. 
My son is almost my fully transitioned into supported accommodation and I am learning to deal with the things that wore me down. 
Very few people know what I did. I haven’t felt ready to tell them. But my whole outlook has changed. Getting help and being prepared to face my demons is what has changed me. I’m not good at asking for help. I’m better at helping others. I’m actually working on that in therapy. 
My message to you all is,- don’t be afraid to ask for help. Don’t be afraid to open up and let people in. They can’t help you if they don’t know you are in pain. If you don’t like the health professional you are seeing, ask to see someone else. A good relationship with that person is paramount. Therapy won’t work if you don’t trust them. 
Most of all, trust that you have it in yourself to overcome this. Your life IS worth living. People DO care. You just have to let them in. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome 

What a fabulous post, thankyou.

I'm from a bipolar family, my brother took his life at 26yo in 1978, my sister and I both made attempts.

I'm so very proud of you and a warm welcome here.

TonyWK 

[Junior1962]

Thank you White Knight

I’m so sorry for your loss. We never forget. 

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you so much for your post Junior 1962.

You have been through so much and carried that pressure of being a carer for others which can be unrelenting at times. I’m so glad you are getting the help you need and things are improving.

Your post really helped me because I’ve had some intrusive memories and really struggled today. I’m also not great at asking for help. I do have a very good psychologist but I even protect her from my worst feelings and probably don’t ask for the help I need. It’s a chronic behaviour from very early childhood that was a survival response to circumstances then, but still affects me now. I’m seeing her tomorrow and maybe can discuss this.

Take care and all the very best! I just wanted to let you know that your post helped me when I was really struggling today and feeling like giving up. Thanks again 🙏

[Junior1962]

Hi Eagle Ray

I’m sorry you are struggling with intrusive memories. Glad to hear you are seeing a psychologist though. 
What you describe about not being good at asking for help sounds very familiar. Have you heard of psychodynamic therapy? Not all psychologists do it. It’s basically Freudian and it’s about identifying unconscious defence mechanisms that we use to protect our ‘I’d’ - the core of who we are. I’m doing this at the moment and we have already identified a couple of these defence mechanisms that I use. I had studied psychology and knew of them - but didn’t know about the ones I was using! 
Anyways just thought I’d mention it. 

[Eagle Ray]

Thanks Junior1962. I’ve heard of psychodynamic therapy but don’t know much about it. I can have a look at it. I’ve been doing somatic-based trauma therapy which has been very helpful. I’ve just been through so many things and it all got on top of me the other day. I called the BB helpline and spoke to my psychologist and both were very helpful. So feeling better. I got the courage to say the extent I was struggling which I tend to keep to myself. Slowly getting better at it. Thanks again 

[Junior1962]

It’s an interesting thing. People who have trouble asking for help are often the strongest people around. We put it out there that we are strong and people expect it of us. My naturopath pointed out that people expect more of us than other people. 
I’ve found that this is true for many caregivers of the disabled. It’s almost as if we are given the task because we have the ability to cope with it, when others couldn’t. 
I don’t know - there’s some sort of life lesson in it, I think. 

I like the sound off your trauma therapy. Many non-western traditions know that we hold trauma in the body and work to help to free it. 

Keep up good work.

[Eagle Ray]

I think you’re right. There’s a strength in us, perhaps based in a resilience we were forced to have early in life. I essentially became my mother’s carer at age 5. All my life friends and family have looked to me to take care of them. In recent years I was the carer of both my parents prior to their deaths, which involved dealing with high levels of disability, degenerative illness, cancer treatment, mental health issues and more. I somehow had to hold it together for everyone else including other family members as well, one going through a major breakdown. Then following my mother’s death I was subject to an instance of abuse that pushed me over the edge. I’d just been diagnosed with a progressive illness as well. I also have multiple issues of complex trauma from childhood.

So I think it is logical the body/mind gets to the point it’s had enough and feels it can’t go on. But what I would say to anyone reaching that point of suicidal thinking is talk to someone you can trust rather than trying to contain the pain you are going through inside. It’s like letting yourself break open instead of guarding/bracing against that pain which can actually intensify it. Just by talking to a safe person it’s like your nervous system starts to co-regulate with their kind and present energy, and then you can start to feel safe.

 I had to search for some time to find a therapist I could trust and had some unfortunate therapy experiences in the past. So I’m very grateful now to have found a really good psychologist who is understanding me and I have that sense of safety. I still get lost in overwhelm at times like I did the other day. But reading your post gave me hope and I could relate to your experience of carrying so much responsibility being a carer for others until it just gets too much. I hope you continue well on your healing journey which it sounds like you are. You are right - we are not alone even though sometimes it feels like it and being completely open with ourselves and others we trust about how we’re feeling is the beginning of moving towards healing.

[Junior1962]

After reading your story, I am so glad to hear that mine gave you hope. 

I too have long been the one people look to when someone needs care. I had a psychologist point out to me that not doing so takes conscious work. The bipolar that runs in the family has often led to me being the caregiver - and I really don’t want to do it anymore. So now that my parents are in a nursing home, I have to resist. My brother wants to do it so I don’t need to. I just need to be consciously aware and say no when necessary. I won’t abandon them but I still have a disabled son - and although he has now transitioned into supported accommodation, I’m still there to help with OT and Speech Therapy. He’s my son. He comes first. He has to. He has many years of his life to live. 

It’s funny. After therapy for traumatic grief -  my son is an only child because I couldn’t have other children despite 7 attempts at IVF - I studied psychology with a view to becoming a psychologist - or at least a counsellor. Four yrs and I can’t even register as a counsellor. There must be something in people like you and I that just wants to give. We genuinely care about others and give … until we can’t anymore. That’s what happened to me anyway. Caregiver burnout. 

I love what you said about breaking open instead of bracing ourselves - My psychologist says I don’t want to feel the pain and I don’t like that I don’t tell others, so I project that I don’t like it on to others when they don’t recognise my pain and get angry at them. I need to allow myself to feel the pain and then let others know that I am in pain. I’ve never been good at being vulnerable while in the company of others so this is a big thing for me. 

It seems we have much in common. 

[Eagle Ray]

That’s very true about it taking conscious effort not to automatically take on the care role. I’m at least now starting to catch myself out and asking myself do I have the energy for this? I realise situations in the past where I should have requested help from others and been clear about my own boundaries in terms of what I can and can’t manage. But of course with loved ones it’s hard because you want to be there for them and alleviate as much as possible any suffering or difficulty they’re going through.

 I’m so sorry you went through the grief related to the 7 IVF attempts which would have been so hard emotionally and physically. Carrying grief adds to an energy drain in the body I think so that you are already depleted. Then if you’re working really hard supporting others too you can definitely burn out.

I’m intensively processing a lot of grief from my life at the moment. I’ve been finding ways to let it go. The most helpful is a place in nature by the ocean I love where I feel really safe. I can just let go there and the grief that’s stuck in my chest starts to break up and just bubbles out of me and before I know it I’m crying. They are the most healing tears. It feels like such a relief. It’s a process and there keeps being more to release, but that’s ok. I feel like nature holds you and keeps you safe so grief can be let go of.

The other day when I had suicidal feelings I realised it was me abandoning myself which I know comes from patterns of abandonment in childhood. If those memories get activated without me being able to process them, that’s when I can give up on myself. But I was able to be aware I was doing that and then talk about it with the psych. Then I’m processing the memories instead of them controlling me and leaving me feeling powerless. I just thought I’d mention that for anyone feeling suicidal, in case it helps. I found sharing that realisation with someone helped me to be caring towards myself again.

I hear you about doing the work to be a psych/counsellor. Almost everything I’ve done in life has been with a “help others” mindset. But I’m learning I have to nurture myself first and that’s the only way I can move forward now, but then I’ll be able to help others in a more balanced way.