Recovery from suicide attempt - it can be done

[Junior1962]

Hi everyone 

I wanted to post something positive about how recovery from being suicidal can happen. 
I am a first timer. I’ve had episodes of depression but don’t usually go deep enough to be suicidal. My heart goes out to all of you and your mental health struggles. Bipolar runs in my family. Mum was a hospital admission last year and sadly, is now a resident in aged care. My 32 yr old son has autism and bipolar 2. 
My story is one of a battle with depression while supporting Mum (My older brother and I worked together) in hospital and Dad - who has Alzheimers- at home. Both are in their 80s. I was suicidal a year ago and made plans - but had a powerful spiritual experience and didn’t follow through. My naturopath helped me to sort the many Imbalances in my body and I recovered - for a time. 
Dad followed Mum into care in January and my brother and I sold their house. I then found myself being drawn into being a caregiver for Mum when I was already exhausted and struggling. Suicidal thoughts crept in but I pushed them away. I just tried to keep going - until I couldn’t. 
One sleepless night, I attempted …..

My husband took me to the ED… I was offered mental health support and I accepted. I was in a daze. This was 4 months ago. I was diagnosed with caregiver burnout.
I had five sessions with a psychologist, two with a psychiatrist- all from Monash Health and Medicare funded - and found myself doing a lot better. I’m now seeing a private psychologist and have improved even further. 
My son is almost my fully transitioned into supported accommodation and I am learning to deal with the things that wore me down. 
Very few people know what I did. I haven’t felt ready to tell them. But my whole outlook has changed. Getting help and being prepared to face my demons is what has changed me. I’m not good at asking for help. I’m better at helping others. I’m actually working on that in therapy. 
My message to you all is,- don’t be afraid to ask for help. Don’t be afraid to open up and let people in. They can’t help you if they don’t know you are in pain. If you don’t like the health professional you are seeing, ask to see someone else. A good relationship with that person is paramount. Therapy won’t work if you don’t trust them. 
Most of all, trust that you have it in yourself to overcome this. Your life IS worth living. People DO care. You just have to let them in. 

[Junior1962]

Hi Eagle Ray

I found an online workbook on the avoidant/ dismissive attachment style - it wasn’t expensive- and have started working through it. It’s a little like CBT in that it asks you to identify various times and ways the avoidant attachment manifests in daily life. I’m about one third of the way through it but I have found things in this life that have been passed down to me by my parents - Mum in particular. Not very bad things but I think they added to things I brought into this life with me. I’ve had other stuff to do in the last couple of days so I haven’t got any further with it yet. It is certainly very interesting though. 
Like with CBT, changes takes conscious work and I imagine it will take time. It’s worth the effort though. If I can add this to the psychodynamic stuff that I’m uncovering - well I hope to be able to discharge at least some of the karma I’ve built up and make my next life - if I have to live one - a bit easier. 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Junior

The workbook sounds practical and helpful. I think it’s quite easy for us to go through much of our lives not realising our attachment styles, or being vaguely aware but not fully conscious of them. I know I’m only really becoming more fully conscious of a lot of things now.

Yes it’s true, I think changes do take time, but you are doing so much great work with the psychodynamic therapy and now looking at attachment too. I’m sure you’re making a difference already.

My attachment issues are so deeply embedded in my nervous system and so much of it is preverbal and long before conscious memory, so I’m having to work a lot through procedural body memory where preconscious memories are stored. I’ve been observing animals in nature when out on walks, such as adult birds taking care of chicks, just to see how healthy bonding and parenting happens. I feel like it gives me a clue about what healthy human attachments should look like and also how to parent my inner child. Nature always seems to end up being my teacher.

 I was thinking about the historical and social aspects of attachment too. For example, people who lived through the Great Depression often had to make do with very little and may have developed strong self-sufficiency to survive. But maybe then were less inclined to ask for help as everyone was in the same situation. I wonder if something like that can even affect how attachment styles are passed down through the generations as well? I imagine the whole Covid situation is also socially impacting on how attachments form psychologically in different ways for different people, including young kids growing up in this time.

It’s great hearing how you are progressing along and learning about different aspects of yourself. I think having curiosity about exploring these things is so helpful in growing and learning and finding greater levels of insight and peace.

[Junior1962]

Hi Eagle Ray

Thank you so much for your kind words. 
TBH I find psychodynamic therapy fascinating. I was drawn to it when I was studying, never dreaming that I would be able to apply so many of its concepts - esp defence mechanisms - to my own life story. 
I’m also very interested in your insights. The idea of preconscious memories being stored in the body is fascinating. It kind of links in to the eastern philosophies around ensuring the flow of Chi through the body. Both my therapist and I are keen on these and find things like mindfulness very helpful. 

one thing that was very different during times like the Great Depression was the size of the family unit. People had big families and they either lived together or in close proximity, so there was a lot more support available to individuals. The advent of cars and the urban sprawl has changed that - and not for the better IMHO. 

On another topic - you have so many good insights that I wonder if you’ve thought about writing a book? Like you I see socio-historical aspects to all of this. I found cultural anthropology a really good adjunct to understanding behaviour. Culture and religion are a huge part of what it means to be human. 

[Eagle Ray]

Thanks Junior

I think if you can connect with the particular therapy you are doing and find it fascinating that is such a huge component of recovery and healing. I’ve felt a connection with somatic therapies that are based on how animals in the wild naturally recover from trauma (such as Somatic Experiencing) because it makes so much sense to me and I really connect to the wild/nature. But I did some Jungian therapy in the past too and what I liked about that is it’s like the wild of the mind - dreams, the unconscious, archetypes etc. So that was fascinating too.

That’s great you are exploring Chi and mindfulness. I know the Chi in my body has been seriously blocked in the last few weeks, but I felt some of it flowing a bit again when out on a walk today. Mindfulness can be so helpful too. I’ve found if I’m particularly traumatised and dissociating I lose access to it. I can sometimes reconnect in nature and have even tried chanting in nature and that can sometimes bring me back.

Thanks re: the book idea. I think your story would make a great book. I think each of us has a unique healing journey but sharing it can connect with parts of what others go through and help others build some scaffolding/ideas to hold onto as they find their own way out of life’s challenges/struggles. Right now I’m very much still in recovery mode, but it’s something to think about.

I’ve studied cultural anthropology at uni so it’s something I’m very interested in. I’ve read a lot on different cultural approaches to healing. I can recommend The Fellowship of the River by medical doctor Joseph Tafur who was inspired to do his work in the Amazon by anthropologist Jeremy Narby.

[Junior1962]

Hi Eagle Ray

well so much for attachment theory. My psych cut through what I was talking about, had me focus on my body and asked where I felt the abandonment I was talking about. I closed my eyes, focused, and felt it in the heart chakra area very quickly. I even ‘felt’ a deep pink which is associated with the heart chakra! My psych is very interested in Buddhist / Hindu philosophies and knows that I am too. Not for the first time he pointed to me intellectualising instead of focussing on what my heart is saying. In talking about a sense of abandonment I thought I was talking about my heart! He noted that i was talking about the theory. He then talked of three parts of the body - the head down to the neck (the intellect), the navel and general abdo area (action), and the bit in-between which is the heart. I need to focus more on the heart. 
I won’t go into what I was referring to. The point is that once again my psych brought me back to feeling things in the heart rather than analysing or intellectualising. 
We also talked about different forms of yoga and that he feels focusing on Bhakti yoga - devotional stuff - would help me to express myself and be who I really am. He told me of the following quote which has really resonated with me:

you have to keep breaking your heart until it opens

- Rumi, 13th century Sufi mystic
You mentioned something about cracking open in an earlier post that I really liked. Are we talking about the same thing? 

I loved your comments about how animals heal from trauma and the somatic therapy you have found helpful. I’m sorry you have times when you dissociate. It must be incredibly difficult living with that. You are an amazing person. I love your comments and your insights. I can imagine cultural anthropology, especially how various cultures work with the supernatural, giving you ideas and options for your own healing journal. As I read back over your post, I found myself thinking - not for the first time - how shamans use psychoactive substances to gain access to realms western science cannot understand - and to heal various ailments suffered by people on their cultural groups. I have a big book on shamanism in my book shelf. I really must get around to reading it one day!

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Junior 

Your psych sounds like mine. She also asks me where I’m feeling things in my body. I find it really helps. I like that intellect/action/heart perspective. When I was really activated with a strange anxious depression in recent weeks my abdominal muscles were involuntarily activating throughout the night which I think was my fight-or-flight system trying to break out of the traumatic freeze I was in. Our bodies are actually always trying to help us and speak to us in some way, so it’s great to tune into it and then work with the body.

 I like the Rumi quote. Quite likely it’s the same thing. For me I’ve had a lot of unprocessed grief. Sitting on my favourite rocky hill, I found it was when I dropped out of my head/thinking that I would all of a sudden feel repressed grief rising up and out of me. I’d instantly cry and sometimes even threw up. It’s like literally purging pain which temporarily hurts but is actually a great relief afterwards. It takes a lot of energy for the body to hold that grief inside so it’s a relief to let out. It doesn’t necessarily all come out in one go, but sometimes that’s best so it’s not too overwhelming. But gradually over time you heal.

Shamanic practices are fascinating and shamans are adept at dropping into altered states of consciousness (sometimes via psychoactive plants, sometimes drumming and chanting, sometimes meditatively etc). It’s in these spaces that I think they too leave the thinking brain and enter that realm where healing occurs. It’s basically the oldest form of medicine practised by humans in various ways for millennia.

It’s like all our healing potential is already within us but it can be hard to see/know when we feel particularly bad.

 I was interested in you mentioning feeling the colour pink too in relation to the heart chakra. I’m really interested in cross-sensory stuff.

[Junior1962]

We have so much in common!

[Junior1962]

It’s been 6 months since my suicide attempt and finally I feel like I’m finding my way. 
After finding my sleep deteriorating - again (I’ve had a long battle with and in trying to get off anti-depressants) I’ve taken up meditation at home. I found a website that offers guided meditation for free and have been using it every evening for the past few nights. Not only am I sleeping better but I’m really enjoying re-connecting with my higher self. My therapist recommended practising Bhakti yoga, which is the worship of one’s chosen god and I thought about it a lot. Finally I decided that I prefer jnana yoga which is about knowledge and wisdom. One can get a guru and go into serious study of the Sanskrit vedas - but I don’t want to do that. I just want to keep learning about a range of things. I also want to practise meditation regularly and get my spiritual nourishment that way. The latter is something I’ve been missing since I fell out with my former yoga teacher 2 years ago. 

I’ve been working with a naturopath for many years - as I’ve tried to get off anti-depressants which have not been good for me - and can finally just focus on restoring my natural sleep. I’m now on a mood stabiliser and plan to stay on it, along with a half dose of an antidepressant. I do have bipolar genes in me although I’ve only suffered from depressive episodes. After reaching the point of actually attempting suicide, I’ve given up ever getting off medication, I only wanted to get off antidepressants because after 10 years on them, they were destroying my sleep. Hopefully now, that journey is coming to an end. If I can settle the overarousal of my autonomic nervous system - I may be able to just get on with enjoying life again. 
 

In 2023 I plan to work towards reducing the input I have into my disabled son’s care -  own that he is living in supported accommodation, and to continue seeking the knowledge and wisdom in which I have always been interested. 
 

There are still a few things I want to work on with my therapist but I feel that the future is looking more positive now ☺️

[therising]

Hi Eagle Ray and Junior1962

With the challenges you've faced, your determination to grow through and beyond them in a number of ways and you're interest in greater levels of self understanding, you are both truly inspiring.

Self understanding is an incredible rabbit hole experience. I believe once we enter there is no  turning back. It becomes exciting, wonderful (full of wonder), challenging, liberating, revealing (packed with revelations) and so much more. To some degree, I believe mental health challenges force us into being explorers. If we cannot tolerate life, based on our lack of knowledge, then knowledge becomes the key to unlocking the kind of life we desire and need most.

In exploring natural medicine, I've found this area to be incredibly fascinating. While some may say 'All that's a load of s*** that does nothing', you'd know (based on your experience) this is not the case. When someone says this, I always wonder about whether they've tried the right medicine and/or the right 'dosage'. Take meditation for example. Is it the right meditation for that person? And what about the dosage. The best forms of mediation may not work through a half hour dose first thing in the morning. Perhaps 5 minutes 3 times a day could be the most effective dosage. It might take 2 weeks before a difference is experienced, like with some pharmaceuticals.

Wondering whether you've both found the following to be the case: When you begin on your journey into greater self understanding and understanding of life, it kind of feels like you're learning the basics, like with primary school. As you graduate through opening your mind, it feels like the work has become more challenging, like with secondary school level. When you graduate to wondering what the entire universe has to offer beyond the basics, BAMM, it's like suddenly you've found yourself at universe-ity level. I suppose this is the level where we're challenged to pick our specialty, what we wish to master most or what we wish to be a master in. Masters level is a challenge when there's so much in that rabbit hole to choose from 🙂

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Junior and The Rising

I’m so inspired by how far you’ve come in these last 6 months Junior and the way you are turning your own needs into a priority and exploring what both interests and heals you. It’s like you are using your intuition to find what gels with you such as the form of yoga that suits you best.

 I’m working with a naturopath too and it’s a team effort where we problem solve together which is rewarding and achieving very positive outcomes. It sounds like you have worked out a good plan for approaching the different things you are facing. Yes I think the autonomic nervous system is a major key to healing. I’ve learned quite a bit about Polyvagal Theory and healing via the vagus nerve. I don’t know if you’ve heard about it but it links in with co-regulation too - how our nervous systems can heal through attunement with one another. Joseph Tafur talks about limbic resonance which is really the same thing and how this helps to heal the emotional body - where the mind and body meet.

I’m so glad things are looking positive for you and it sounds like you are doing all the right things to be able to get on and, as you say, really enjoy life again 🙂

 The Rising, I agree that mental health challenges bring us to exploring and that can turn the process into something of curiosity and even wonder. I’ve read that when curiosity is activated the trauma circuits in the brain shut down.

Yes I think I relate to what you’re saying about moving through the stages of self discovery. It keeps opening new doors. I’m not sure if I’m aware of a specialty yet but I think it would be along the lines of healing through nature and living as closely as possible to how we humans are innately meant to live for our best health - mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I’ve found the greatest happiness in the smallest things - a chat with a good friend, a nice cup of tea, the breeze against my skin, sunlight through leaves early or late in the day etc. I think I’d like to master simplicity 🙂