Recovery from suicide attempt - it can be done

[Junior1962]

Hi everyone 

I wanted to post something positive about how recovery from being suicidal can happen. 
I am a first timer. I’ve had episodes of depression but don’t usually go deep enough to be suicidal. My heart goes out to all of you and your mental health struggles. Bipolar runs in my family. Mum was a hospital admission last year and sadly, is now a resident in aged care. My 32 yr old son has autism and bipolar 2. 
My story is one of a battle with depression while supporting Mum (My older brother and I worked together) in hospital and Dad - who has Alzheimers- at home. Both are in their 80s. I was suicidal a year ago and made plans - but had a powerful spiritual experience and didn’t follow through. My naturopath helped me to sort the many Imbalances in my body and I recovered - for a time. 
Dad followed Mum into care in January and my brother and I sold their house. I then found myself being drawn into being a caregiver for Mum when I was already exhausted and struggling. Suicidal thoughts crept in but I pushed them away. I just tried to keep going - until I couldn’t. 
One sleepless night, I attempted …..

My husband took me to the ED… I was offered mental health support and I accepted. I was in a daze. This was 4 months ago. I was diagnosed with caregiver burnout.
I had five sessions with a psychologist, two with a psychiatrist- all from Monash Health and Medicare funded - and found myself doing a lot better. I’m now seeing a private psychologist and have improved even further. 
My son is almost my fully transitioned into supported accommodation and I am learning to deal with the things that wore me down. 
Very few people know what I did. I haven’t felt ready to tell them. But my whole outlook has changed. Getting help and being prepared to face my demons is what has changed me. I’m not good at asking for help. I’m better at helping others. I’m actually working on that in therapy. 
My message to you all is,- don’t be afraid to ask for help. Don’t be afraid to open up and let people in. They can’t help you if they don’t know you are in pain. If you don’t like the health professional you are seeing, ask to see someone else. A good relationship with that person is paramount. Therapy won’t work if you don’t trust them. 
Most of all, trust that you have it in yourself to overcome this. Your life IS worth living. People DO care. You just have to let them in. 

[Junior1962]

Thank you both.  It's really rather liberating to suddenly realise that I DON'T have to hide behind that facade of being strong anymore.  In this life, I've always been like that.  I've never been good at telling others how I feel. It's one thing to be strong - which I am - and another for it to prevent me from seeking the help I really need. 

I now feel that I understand why I felt that I had to do it alone. In my past life I had no choice.  I was literally beaten to death.  An interesting thing - I have a painting that I did as a 6 yr old.  It's called "me and my cat" (original - lol).  I've always been a cat lover.  Anyway, the little girl I painted had no arms.  I used to draw ALL my people like that.  But it wasn't until a few years ago, following something that triggered a reaction in me that had its roots in that past life, that I realised the significance of it. My arms couldn't save me. 

My mother wasn't strong enough to protect me and my own arms couldn't do it either.  I was on my own and even that wasn't enough. So I've learned to hide behind that facade of being strong.  I was born strong and I believe I was strong in that past life as well. Now I feel that I don't need to do that anymore.  I can let people in. 

It's really an amazing realisation.

I'm really glad I've chosen to work on this now and that it's fruitful. 

A couple of things:

Because I've had an NDE I'm not afraid of death.  I've just been busy living.

But the whole existential question of 'would i have allowed myself to die?' rather than ask for help was a big one for me.  Would I have taken it to that extreme?  On another level - and another story for another time - I think I wanted someone to save me. No-one saved me in my past life. Now I feel I've been set free from this too.  It's powerful stuff.

[Junior1962]

Hi Eagle Ray

It's interesting that you also have difficulty asking for help - or telling people the level of pain you are in.  It's good that you are developing awareness and are working consciously to make the changes you need to make.  It does take conscious effort. For me, awareness is the first step.

If you've followed Joe Dispenza - I've only just found him via this U3A metaphysical discussion group - then you will be better informed on the importance of conscious effort.  It also takes courage. Courage to actually do it but also to believe that you are worth it.  I get the sense that you would help another person without hesitation but that helping yourself is harder.  I know that feeling.  I never felt that I wasn't worth it. I was too busy hiding behind that facade of being strong. Hmm thinking about it now, I wonder whether I also took on society's attitudes about weakness of character.  I certainly did many years ago when it came to clinical depression, although I got over that a long time ago as well. 

You are doing amazing work in working to heal yourself.  Never stop trying and never feel that you aren't worth it.  You are. 

[Junior1962]

Hi Rising

Not sure about being ready for the next level. lol!!

But I'm feeling really good about the progress I've made thus far.  For the first time in 35 years - since I did that past life regression - I feel like I can put my past life trauma behind me.  My cruel father can't hurt me anymore. And I don't have to hid being the facade of being strong anymore.

It's a relief.

[Eagle Ray]

Thanks so much Junior1962. In my case I know it comes from being my Mum’s carer/confidant/support person from age 5. It was essentially a role reversal where she viewed me as like a parent. Both my parents had complex trauma and I was always trying to heal them. I felt largely invisible as a child. All my focus was on other peoples’ needs. So even now it is my default mode and I’m only really beginning to learn how to put my needs first. But it does start to feel at least a bit empowering when I start to make decisions to serve me instead of always others. I’ll never stop caring for others, but gradually learning to in a way that doesn’t negate myself.

I’ve only recently been learning about Joe Dispenza’s work and watched some interviews which were very interesting. His Becoming Supernatural book sounds particularly interesting. Just reading some descriptions it seems to integrate mind, body and spirit along with some quantum physics stuff in generating new outcomes in life.

I think society’s attitudes can play a role too. I remember school phys-ed teachers saying things like ‘if it’s not hurting it’s not good for you’, like you are supposed to make yourself suffer to achieve. I think things have progressed a bit, but we are often given messages to be hard on ourselves.

Society can be very focused on the individual too, which can leave people feeling more isolated and perhaps reluctant to ask for help. I’m in a regional town now and it suits me more than the city. I enjoy the familiarity and don’t miss the anonymity of the city. People know one another by name and do support one another. The other day I was carrying my shopping home and my neighbour stopped her car to offer me a lift. I get these reminders that other people care and are happy to help.

I think the answer is having an open heart to both others and ourselves, so we don’t leave ourselves out of the empathy equation.

[Junior1962]

Hi Eagle Ray

It must have been very hard being a carer to your parents at such a young age. It’s supposed to be about be a child, being innocent, and our parents guiding us as we grow up. To not have that is always going to impact on our development - in a very profound way. I guess it comes back to learning to allow the id to run free; remembering that the Id is the rash, impulsive, pleasure seeking part of our personality. My therapist keeps telling me that I need to allow my playful side - which I had a few years ago - to come to the fore again. 

You are right about the focus on the individual. That is western society as a whole. Some cultures emphasis on the collective and I don’t mean communism, I mean the group. Asians are a good example of this. Our focus on the individual can lead to loneliness and the challenges of trying to cope alone. It’s not necessarily a good thing. 

On another topic, I’m thinking about the phenomenon of transference today. A couple of months ago I realised I was experiencing it in relation to my GP. Now, having seen my GP today, I feel that the effect is weakening. I felt the transference because I felt that just after my attempt, he recognised and validated my pain. All too often people haven’t recognised my pain because all they see is that I’m strong. I also noticed that I’m not feeling the sense of abandonment - not as strong anyway - when my husband doesn’t respond to my emotional needs (he’s not good at this). Clearly the psychodynamic therapy I’m doing is working. It’s really rather liberating. I can feel myself changing and it’s wonderful. 

Off to see Daryl Braithwaite - my teen idol- tonight. My therapist will be pleased. Pure hedonism 🤪

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Junior,

 I hope you’re really enjoying the Daryl Braithwaite concert tonight. Years ago, I think early 90s, our family saw him play an outdoor gig. It was so relaxing and he performed great and seems like such a nice, down to earth guy.

Yes, play is so important. My mother couldn’t really play as that part was kind of beaten out of her as a child. So I have only one memory of her playing with me as a child, which was getting me to dance with her to some music when I was 5. Even though I was so young, I could recognise that was so awkward for her to do, and the only time she ever tried such an interaction with me.

Transference is interesting and always seems to offer a learning opportunity. It makes total sense you would feel that in relation to your GP after the attempt when you would have been vulnerable and grateful for the support. I also get the non-validation of pain from others who always saw you as strong. Others have seen me as their steadfast, reliable friend, sounding board, parent figure etc (extensions of my childhood roles) with no idea about my internal struggles which I’ve kept to myself (again my childhood pattern). It can be a real challenge breaking out of the roles we’ve always had. It’s good too re: reacting less to your husband not responding to your emotional needs. I can have similar reactions, which I know once again are linked to my childhood circumstances and being a really sensitive person too. I’m also gradually finding such reactions lessening in myself. They might still happen, but I’m mindfully aware at least.

I’m so glad the psychodynamic therapy is working so well for you. Feeling yourself changing is the best thing. It makes me feel happy to read that. Keep on with the wonderful work you’re doing 🙂

[Junior1962]

Hi Eagle Ray

The gig the other night was awesome. It was Russell Morris (I’m old enough to remember him..lol) and Daryl. RM was really impressive. He just blew me away. He is a serious musician with a very good voice. And I didn’t realise how many of his songs that I knew! I certainly never expected to see/hear The Real Thing live. It was just what the psychologist ordered!

I’m so sorry you never got to be a regular child. What you described just breaks my heart. 
Somehow I don’t think it was much different in my past life either. My mum loved me, I’m sure. She just couldn’t stand up to my brute of a father. I tried but look where it got me ….😟

Anyway, he’s gone now. That much I’m sure of. 

I think there are therapies around that aim to being out our inner child. Probably psychodynamic or similar. Might be worth considering. Regardless, I do hope our conversations and knowing about my journey can help to inspire you. You’re a good soul and you deserve to find peace. 

[Junior1962]

Had an interesting session with my psychologist today. After talking about other stuff I mentioned that I sometimes have a sense of abandonment. It doesn’t come from this life, although I have felt emotionally abandoned by my husband at times ;).   Anyway, I was mulling over this a over a coffee after the session and in googling abandonment I was reminded of Attachment Theory - which I studied in psychology. There are four attachment styles, thought to be related to how we are parented. In this life I had great parents. Lots of love and encouragement, but from an early age I was strong and independent. I’ve never been good at being vulnerable or asking for help. I didn’t see this before but I now understand that I have an avoidant / dismissive attachment style. Among other things, I don’t let people get too close and have difficulty with intimacy. This speaks to the whole ‘being strong’ thing that has largely defined me throughout my whole life. 
I need to spend some time on this but it is certainly interesting. 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Junior

I think my attachment style is similar to yours. It’s something I’m trying to work on at the moment. I don’t feel like I have clear answers yet as to what to do about it.

The best way I can describe it is I make forays out into the world because I want to experience connection and intimacy, but then I have this reflex reaction where I retreat back into my world of safety, which means being entirely self-reliant.

However, I can experience this self-reliance as isolating and exhausting and I feel humans are not meant to exist in isolation from one another. 

I’m thinking you’ve had to be strong and self-reliant to deal with family care situations and that shows how resilient you are. But then there’s that vulnerability of being reluctant to ask for help, which I can so relate to.

That then makes me think, what is it about vulnerability that makes us scared? I know as a child I wasn’t allowed to be vulnerable and I would be attacked if I expressed it. Also, my mother relied on me to be strong and like a parent to her from when I was very small, so the parent-child roles were reversed.

 I wonder if there’s anything in your parents’ backgrounds where they had to be strong and not show vulnerability, or in their parents’ lives? So in addition to past life issues there may have behavioural traits passed down?

Sometimes even loving, encouraging parents still carry survival patterns from previous generations. I sometimes think about how hard things were for people a few generations ago in ways that are hard to imagine now, and essentially we are all survivors of past struggle in a way.

Anyway, it’s an interesting topic. Thanks for sharing it Junior.

[Eagle Ray]

P.S. I think the answer to how we might change an attachment style is likely to be largely in how we self-parent ourselves which I’m also currently working on, but it’s quite a challenging task and can take time to learn. I’m trying to learn to internalise a different self-parent than the one I’ve always had. I think learning from people who have secure attachment is one way of doing this. So many of us have some kind of insecure attachment style, so I’m trying to think of the people I know or have known previously who do have secure attachment and then try to embody that myself.