Vent and then let it go...

[Guest_1055]

I can't do this stupid life anymore. I just need to write this out. Because sometimes it has helped me on the past. Just to shout it out on words. I HATE THIS.. LIFE. The pain keeps happening over and over again. I cannot deal with it. Tears are in my eyes, frustration, aloneness, maybe bitterness, I hate that emotion. Just go in the name of Jesus. I forgive him. It hurts, please heal me. Where does my help come from. The maker of heaven and earth. I hurt Father God. I hurt. 

[Guest_1055]

Hi Eagle Ray and small wolf

I have so much going on it is challenging to comprehend logically what you both are saying. I have gone into memories of childhood and comforted the little girl me though Eagle Ray. 

The last few years have been ...cannot even think of the word. But it seems one thing after another has gone on in my life and within the lives of myself, my family and extended family. And I find myself emotionally attached to it all and not knowing how to process these many sometimes heavy emotions. Just venting now is all. Feel so very heavy. And I know there is fear lurking around. So mixed up

[Guest_1055]

My thoughts are constant. And now saying what is the point . So much overload 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Shell,

 I cannot remember whether you have said you have started getting counselling support, but sometimes just debriefing with all the thoughts going around in your head can help a lot. So you are not just struggling with those thoughts in isolation. I find talking with my psychologist, calling help lines from time to time and chatting here on the forum all help to alleviate the pressure of thoughts that are repeating in my mind. Otherwise I get overloaded as you describe, constantly trying to solve things mentally in isolation.

I’m very used to trying to solve things on my own and perhaps you are too, so it’s taken some courage to reach out to engage with others. But it has made a big difference being able to share with others I trust and feel safe with. And importantly there is no pressure to express thoughts succinctly or have it all together when trying to communicate. If you do try to communicate what’s going on for you, it’s ok to say if you don’t have words yet or you are having difficulty with a lot of thoughts. I’ve had plenty of blank moments trying to talk to my psychologist. She is very kind and gentle and will bring me back to myself by asking me what I’m feeling in my body. Sometimes I initially don’t have words for that either, but that is always ok, and I just have someone else with me being present and supportive. Pretty much every time it is through that body connection that I start to heal, letting go of the analytical mind and allowing my nervous system to start rebalancing itself. It’s like we have an innate self-healing mechanism within us. Being in the presence of a kind other person helps this process happen which is often referred to as co-regulation.

When you have had so much going on over the last few years it is really understandable to feel a sense of overload and overwhelm. It can be so much to try and process on your own. It’s really important to be gentle and kind with yourself and not put yourself under pressure to solve everything.

 I recently went on two road trips. I left my disorganised home and life behind me and just immersed myself in new experiences. It really helped my mind and body kind of reset. And if I get really troubled in thoughts again I’m learning to reach out and engage with others which is like a pressure release valve from existing with thoughts on my own. It’s kind of like moving through a process rather than remaining stuck in the same place, if that makes sense?

So it’s ok to feel everything you’re feeling and you are not alone.

[therising]

Hi Guest_1055

Sorry I haven't responded earlier, I just saw your post this morning. I'm so glad you managed to achieve staying with the course for the entire time. A massive challenge met is a massive achievement and something to be proud of.

It's strange how specific how certain aspects of social anxiety can be at times. When I think about the stress you felt with the examination, it reminds me of times I've had to speak in front of people. Whether it was at school or in some other course, the second the teacher or facilitator said 'Okay, we're going to go around the room' or 'We're going to go alphabetically', I'd feel them say that through my nervous system. Btw, my Sir name starts with L. With each person who spoke and with each step closer to me, my nervous system would ramp up more and more. I remember taking a pass on one occasion, as I was shaking so much.

I've found it depends on the social occasion as to whether I become stressed. Large gatherings where I don't know many people are very stressful. On occasions I can feel my heart beating in my chest. Small gatherings where everyone's a stranger is okay if they all have a particular nature I can easily relate to (typically a gentle nature). Gatherings where there's a lot of background noise tend to stress me, as I struggle to hear people speak over background noise, plus multiple sounds coming from all directions does my nervous system no favours. Ultimately, for me, most of it's related to self esteem. If I had the self esteem of a champion, nothing would bother me, I'd approach every situation with complete confidence.

There are definitely skills in social confidence or managing a variety of social situations. I've never really looked into a lot of that skill development, as I'm not much of a socialite compared to when I was younger, so I don't feel the need all that much. Perhaps it should be the other way around, hey. Maybe it's about developing the skills and then going out and putting them to the test, becoming more of a socialite through practice. Definitely easier said than done. 🙂

[Guest_1055]

I can relate to a lot of what you said The

rising. I do feel for you waiting for your name to come around in the course or school. It had and does happened to me too. I went to the course on Monday night I am ok sitting there learning and listening. I don't ask questions but certainly have them going around in my head. Anyway as the time got closer for the group to go outside and do the more practical stuff. I know I will need to mix with the others in some way, I felt sick absolutely sick in the tummy and in my thoughts thought how could I cope with this. After I made a decision to leave as soon as I could. And said to myself I will just leave quickly and quietly with no fuss. Leave as in flee from the situation the sick feeling died down some. As most people had left the room, I made sure I was behind most people then fled out another door. Away from it all. I sense of relief flooded me as I went out into the cool air towards my car. I just couldn't stomach going to the prac. The two weeks before I did and managed to say something to someone...well it was a stupid thing I said. I felt so out of my depth. I felt so awkward and couldn't focus on much beside the emotions in me. I wanted to run then too. 

Anyway my last name starts with L as well

Self esteem..you may be right there. Think I can relate. Thoughts like I am a nothing anyway.

I really don't know how to fix any of these. 

Sometimes I don't like a lot of background noises either. I find it stressful and other times I can sort of hide in it so somehow ,hide so noone will see me.

Sometimes I think life would be so simple if I lived as a hermit away in the mountains near an ocean somewhere. Because because all these relationships and relating to others is hard. But at the same time I have a real desire to connect with other humans. 

Learning social skills ,I watch others to see how they relate to each other. Even here on BB. I don't know how else to do it. 

[Guest_1055]

Thankyou Eagle Ray. I am glad you feel safe and you are able to talk with a counsellor. I am seeing a counsellor in another course I am doing with my sister. I went there today actually. We looked at family origin. It was interesting to know both my sister and I saw it mostly the same way. I did feel grieved about how I grew up. But I know I was loved the best they knew how to. It took me a few years to realise this though. But I am finding it all overwhelming and hard. And I just want to shut everything out so I don't have to feel anything. Part of me feels like such a failure. I am scared and concerned that my hangups have affected my son. It breaks my heart. All I want for him is the very best. For I love him so very much.

I can't solve anyone. 

Maybe I could go road trips like you have been doing. It sounds so adventurous.

[Guest_1055]

The upper place. I want to go there so desperately. 

[therising]

Hi Guest_1055

I feel for you so much while you face the process of gaining insight into what has made or makes life feel like a kind of hell on earth sometimes. It can be such a tough process, becoming aware of why and how such things have come to be. I've found that process can definitely torment me when it comes to how my kids have missed out in some ways. A tough example can be along the lines of 'If I knew all along what love was truly about (from the perspective I've gained now), I would have loved my kids in all the ways they really needed to be loved at times'. I think we have to be able to come to terms with the idea that now is when we begin loving more consciously, while perhaps expressing to our kids our plans to love more consciously from a heart that's healing or healed, as opposed to trying to love from a broken heart (something we may have been trying to do all along).

Gaining greater self understanding definitely opens a Pandora's box. In there we can find all the ways in which we may have caused sufferance to others, all the ways in which we didn't feel loved enough, all the way in which our behaviours were questionable and on and on it goes. But I think as we pull all those things out, to study closer, they don't go back in. Every time something is pulled out and made sense of, it creates space for something new and if the little things we put in are heavenly in ways, like knowing how to love more soulfully, over time it becomes a box full of heavenly things. Perhaps this is one way of discovering heaven on earth. Definitely a tough way to do it, that's for sure.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Shell,

 I think you can feel proud of the fact that you gave the course a go, even though you knew it would be hard for you in terms of the social aspect. While I am better with it now I know that feeling of being unable to speak to people. I remember a couple of years after high school seeing someone I knew at a bus stop from my childhood. I really wanted to say hello but was literally paralysed so was unable to. The person was a nice, good person and I wanted to be friendly. For a long time I would get intense panic in situations like that. So what you describe makes sense for me.

 I think once you start to have a few good experiences in social situations it can start to build some confidence, but perhaps it is best doing it in the smallest of ways. So maybe just catching up with one person at a time. Or you could go to an event or course where group work isn’t required at all so there is absolutely no pressure, but if you did that a few times you may feel more comfortable just being around people. For example, you could go to a talk someone gives on organic growing instead of a course with group work. Gradually you might find you can just say hello to someone without needing to do more, but even just that hello is a step or beginning. But there is never any pressure to do anything that is uncomfortable.

Only last year I was talking with my psychologist about trying to know how to parent my inner child. She was being really there for me and truly seeing me. She is the loveliest, safest person but even having that attention on me was initially too much and I pulled my jacket hood over my head and buried my face in my hands. She totally understood and said I could stay there as long as I needed which I did for a while and then eventually I was able to look up at her again. It helped having someone sit with me through that discomfort. I realise I’ve come a long way even since last year. So I hope that maybe that gives you some encouragement that taking very small steps is ok. Sometimes that might involve retreating from situations when things get too intense, but that’s ok too. It’s just being really gentle with yourself.

 I think a lot of it for me comes from childhood and perhaps from what you say it is similar for you too. It’s like a kind of exposure anxiety where exposure to others feels unsafe. I think that’s what my recent road trips were about, getting away from feeling unsafe. I needed to escape on my own for a while. But what I found was I met nice people, such as at the camp kitchens in the caravan parks I stayed at. I met a lovely couple who had been visiting the same areas I’d seen that day, so we got to share about what we enjoyed about those places. I think because I was so happy travelling it opened me up more too, so engaging with others felt good. I think it’s somehow creating good experiences so that your nervous system gradually learns that it can feel safe and even enjoyable engaging with others. I find meeting people with dogs helps too as I love dogs and I’m not scared of them, and often that’s the way into a brief, friendly conversation with someone.

You love your son so much and that is already something beautiful you are doing for him. You can only do your best so being gentle and kind with yourself will in turn help him. It will help him to know how to be gentle and kind with himself. I think everything is about small steps and it is ok to be where you are at right now.

Sending you a big hug (if you would like one) 🤗

[Guest_1055]

I can't make it register in my thoughts what you both wrote Eagle Ray and therising. I am sorry. Sure it was kind as you both seem that way to me. 

This morning I woke up with I think the emotion of anger inside of me. In my imagination I saw myself clear a table in a swoop. Brain stuck now. So much flashed through my thoughts situations and people including myself. I do not like this feeling of anger in me it is not a calm emotion. And I have seen the damage of another experiencing it and how damaging it is to those around him. When it explodes out. It is in me too and I don't want it to hurt others