Vent and then let it go...

[Guest_1055]

I can't do this stupid life anymore. I just need to write this out. Because sometimes it has helped me on the past. Just to shout it out on words. I HATE THIS.. LIFE. The pain keeps happening over and over again. I cannot deal with it. Tears are in my eyes, frustration, aloneness, maybe bitterness, I hate that emotion. Just go in the name of Jesus. I forgive him. It hurts, please heal me. Where does my help come from. The maker of heaven and earth. I hurt Father God. I hurt. 

[Guest_1055]

I know I have mentioned this many times on BB and it is in my thoughts away from here a lot. I know it is from God, because I never took myself there. I just got to get back. I bought a book titled The Hunger for God and have skimmed the first couple of pages.

It says and it is in the bible... As the deer pants for the water brooks, so pants my soul for You ,O God.

[Guest_1055]

The place I mean is the Upper place. I yearn for it. Then other times I wonder if the upper place is the presence of God Himself. Such a sensation of belonging,a sensation of home, such a sensation of peace even when circumstances all around me where sad and all over the place. Even as I write this the longing is so intense. I think it might be like if you are physically in a dry desert just wandering around and at times just laying there so very thirsty with parched lips all you can think about is getting a drink of water. You are so desperate for it, you ask others where the water hole is ,but they don't know. Physically your body needs water. A part of me thinks similar with God this upper place. But rather a thirst in my very soul. I have tasted it before , drank from it before and I know that it is so good. Even better then good if their is such a thing. 

[Guest_1055]

I can do other things to occupy or distract this yearning. But it is such a hunger in my soul

[smallwolf]

can you tell me what is your yearning? (I want to respond to you but not sure what you are referring to. My bad!)

[Guest_1055]

Not sure if it is your bad smallwolf. I appreciate you reading what I wrote. And your willingness to respond.

The yearning is a strong desire to go back to this place I was taken to. This may sound weird to some people. Even to comprehend it. It's the upper place. 

A few years back I was going through such a difficult time. I just couldn't take it anymore. I was walking on a beach and felt myself letting go . Letting go of everything. I then started running on the beach ( I am not a runner) as I was running I felt a sensation of heaviness falling of my back. Like a heaviness in my soul or in my heart just going. But I didn't let it go it's was like it was removed by another. Then I sensed some of those things I mentioned above like the sensation of peace, a sensation of belonging and of being home. There was no strifing there. Such a beautiful place. All mental and emotional anguish was gone. I only sensed all this for a few moments. I do not sense I am there currently but yearn ,thirst to go back. 

I am not sure why you are  on BB. Most of us struggle or have struggled with some kind of mental or emotional issue or pain. Just imagine if it all goes for a moment,you have been relieved of it all. No more depression , no more anxiety ,only a peace within your own soul and heart and even thoughts that one can hardly understand. That is where I want to go back to. Such an incredible yearning for it. But I cannot get back there as I don't know how.

Thankyou for your reply very kind of you

[therising]

Hi Guest_1055

I can relate to the feeling you mention. I recall it having happened twice in my life. It's a feeling that definitely feels like some form of heaven on earth, when everything lifts and you've got no choice but to feel joy, peace, amazement, an incredible sense of love and more and you feel it all in purest form. Then you spend the rest of your life yearning for that feeling, trying to figure out how to find it or recreate it.

For me, on both occasions, there was some mind altering revelation. The first experience happened in a group therapy session where I questioned 'If anger, control, sadness, resentment, intolerance etc are traits of depression then who am I without those traits, beyond depression?'. I had no idea. Then it snowballed from there. Who am I beyond my name which others gave to me, my age which simply tells me how long I've been here, my gender which provides me with certain abilities, my social status dictated to me, my this and that? Who am I beyond all that?' I suppose you could say it was like peeling an onion. Peeling back every layer of identity or ego, I met with my soulful sense of self. In my opinion, it was the feeling of meeting with the essence of who I am.

The 2nd occasion was when I was sitting in my back yard in a state of despair. I was meditating or praying on the thought 'I just don't know what to do anymore'. What came to mind was 'You have got to let go'. I thought 'I can't let go of everything people expect me to be, everything I have to be in order to be loved, respected, accepted and so on. If I am a people pleaser, a server to others, a good person based on what I do (while putting all I've done wrong behind me), if I let go of that I will be nothing and no one will love me'. The words 'You have got to let go' kept coming. It felt like a leap of faith off the side of a cliff and I was scared of plummeting into nothingness. When I finally decided to take that leap, I suddenly burst into tears and sobbed for about 5 minutes straight. It was a feeling of overwhelming relief and unbelievable grief, at the same time. While I felt this heaviness leave me, I also felt like I'd finally laid some things to rest. Perhaps it was a collection of depressing beliefs that dictated I had to be a certain way. Without the weight of the world on my shoulders I soared and it felt like pure heaven.

I think, while holding on to so much can feel like hell on earth, letting go can feel like heaven on earth. In that moment of letting go, when the shift can be felt with such pure intensity, I'm not sure if 'Oh my God' is a simple expression or perhaps a greeting toward that which we have found. I'm so glad you felt that feeling, for now you know without a doubt that it exists 🙂

[Guest_1055]

Thankyou therising I will read your post fully when I am able.

Right now I am about to leave the house to go to an evening course on organic gardening. First night. The thing is I am feeling fearful and troubled about going. Mostly about seeing and the possibility of verbally speaking to strangers. I know I have symptoms of social anxiety. I feel sick in the tummy, very scattered, the feeling to run away is here. I got ready early because I thought that would help me. Thought I felt my teeth chattering then. It's the people I am scared of the people. I going to get there early so I can sit hopefully under a tree or in a garden somewhere.

I haven't met up with others for a long while. It's ok if I don't talk isn't it? I like gardening and want to learn more especially organic. I am telling myself if I don't go the fear and anxiety may just grow. I will be feeding that wont I. Deep breathe. It doesn't matter if I stuff up with not knowing what to say . It doesn't matter if I am quiet, It doesn't matter if people don't like me. I am leave now and may write some later

[therising]

Hi Guest_1055

I think one of the hardest things to master is social anxiety, something I can relate to. I figure, how can we hope to master it if we don't get the practice by putting our self out there. Managing practice can be about managing what feels okay for us. If it feels okay or good for our nervous system to focus on simply returning a smile to those who give us a welcoming smile, that's a good start to mastering social anxiety. If it feels good to be honest in saying to someone 'I suffer from a bit of social anxiety', that can be a good start too sometimes. When I say this, I'm amazed by the number of people who say they can relate. The amount of people I've had a laugh with when it comes to a mutual sense of social awkwardness is something that's come to reassure me. We're not alone out there, when it comes to social anxiety. It just seems that way when no one's openly admitting to it.

As I said to my 18yo son the other day, 'If you can manage social anxiety at social events without drinking, you're ahead of a lot of people. The reason some people seem so relaxed is because they're drinking a relaxant'. Personally, I never suffered from social anxiety throughout the years where I drank. In fact, drinking stopped me from feeling the need to develop natural social skills.

I hope you enjoy getting back to nature and you meet some people who come to put you at ease. I love people like that, who make what challenges us feel so much easier to manage. I think some people are blessed with the gift of putting others at ease. They have such a beautiful, welcomed and calming presence. 

[Guest_1055]

Hello therising, very interesting reading about the 2 experiences you found yourself in. Do you have a yearning to go back to them? Are you living sort of in them? I noted that you said you felt the essence of who you were. Yes I experienced that as well. It is so challenging to describe. As I am writing this the intensity of wanting to go back is extreme. Once you experienced the letting go, did you find you picked it up again , whatever that heaviness was at all? I think a part of the heaviness I had , well it has lighten a tiny bit. But mostly it is still there. 

[Guest_1055]

Morning therising

Yes it is so very hard to work through this social anxiety. I have never really been into alcohol but I have seen how it relaxes some people. It is like their guard goes away and they appear more free or something like that. I also know the extreme of this where the drink causes intense destructive anger to explode from them. My younger sister is married to someone going through this. And I find the whole situation sad. 

Do you experience anxiety when in a social setting? No pressure to answer or clarify though. I just couldn't quite grasp if you do or not. 

Some people do have the ability to put others at ease. I have experienced that with 1 person who I occasionally find myself with. I am not sure why though. 

Going to the course the other night was no easy thing for me. It went for about 3 hours. I am ok if I can just sit and listen. This is no pressure to interact with others. But when there was a practical experiment to do, I found myself feeling sick. That anxiety type sick feeling. I cannot understand all the emotions. There is also a practical aspect to the course which makes me feel that "sick" again. Can't fully explain that either. But it will be mixing and engaging with others more. Not simply sitting listening on my own. But I got through the very first class without running away. Which I have done in the past.