Vent and then let it go...

[Guest_1055]

I can't do this stupid life anymore. I just need to write this out. Because sometimes it has helped me on the past. Just to shout it out on words. I HATE THIS.. LIFE. The pain keeps happening over and over again. I cannot deal with it. Tears are in my eyes, frustration, aloneness, maybe bitterness, I hate that emotion. Just go in the name of Jesus. I forgive him. It hurts, please heal me. Where does my help come from. The maker of heaven and earth. I hurt Father God. I hurt. 

[Bob_22]

Hi Guest_1055,

I'm sorry that you're in such pain. What is going on for you at the moment? I can relate to you in that I have been suicidal in the past and wanted it all to end. Please if you need to speak to someone at any time reach out to the counsellors here at bb by going to: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/talk-to-a-counsellor 

As hard as it is now it is important you hang on to hope. Please keep us updated on how you're going.

Bob

[Guest_1055]

Thankyou Bob, I will hang on to hope.

What is going on at the moment? I am sitting here crying , because that is what I often do. Thoughts are many " you are so ugly" being one of them. Thinking of the reasons or the purposes of being here. I can only think of one at the moment. And that is I don't want the people I care about to hurt if I am not here.

I am safe and rather the thoughts I had are " I hate this stupid life, because I am so weary of being hurt, not understood, failing, it's the same thing over and over again. Pretty much the same struggles time and time again. So very sick of it. Sometimes things are just so overwhelming and heavy and I cannot even explain what the things are clearly.

I am sorry you wanted your life to end. Hope you are doing ok now

[Bob_22]

Hi Guest_1055,

Sorry about the delay in getting back to you. I am glad you are safe but it sounds like you're in a lot of pain. It is okay to cry. I know what it feels like to think you're ugly. When we are struggling we often see ourselves as weak, pathetic or ugly. 

The buttefly foundation is also a great resource for those that have body image issues. They have a national helpline. https://butterfly.org.au/get-support/helpline/ 

Thank you for your kind words to me. I'm doing alot better now and am pursuing a career in mental health. I would like to be working full time by the end of the year. 

Please continue to share more if you can. I would love to hear more of your story.

Bob

[Guest_1055]

Glad you are doing a lot better Bob.

My story seems to be all over the place. I have only shared bits of it on Beyond Blue.

I seem to feel others emotional hurt and pain. I hurt for others. It feels like it breaks me heart. I will work backwards... I visited someone at their home, someone I care about. A relative of mine. I could see she was struggling and know she is properly speaking from the hurt she feels. But she spoke unkind to her sweet young children. Several times. They appeared sad by her words. I care about her and them. It was hard to see hurting hearts . And because I am working on social anxiety I didn't know what to do when I saw this happening. I could only feel. 

Another dear relative was and still is in a emotional abusive marriage and has been for many years. In all the years I had visited with them. I didn't know this was going on. It hurts even as I write this. Hate the thought of all this abuse happening to her and their sweet children. It breaks my heart so much. I have cried and prayed about them so much. My heart just aches for them. The family always seemed happy when I visited in years gone by. I am thinking it was all a public face. A show.

Another relative of mine had cancer and is also going through a rough time . And still my dear mum had trigeminal neuralgia,which is the worst pain there is. Even as I write this with tears in my eyes, I hate the thought of people I love hurting. She had an operation and I think she feels no pain now.

Then my small dog, had to be put down. I was not coping well and a lot of his life he was neglected. I just was not loving him right. He ran away and we picked him up at the RSPCA. He was fearful. I saw the fear in his eyes when he came back from that place. It hurt my heart. I am not sure what they did to him. But just a short while after he was sick. The neighbour across the street complained about him getting out from the yard for a few years. We had to tie him up on a long line thing. I hated seeing him on that. I felt so bad that perhaps his life was not a good one for him. So very sad.

[Guest_1055]

I hope this is not too long. 

In 2018 I was treated so badly by a doctor and other medical people. This doctor put so much fear into me, that I had problems even going into that suburb where her office was. I was told I had pre cancer cells and in another part of my body they couldn't tell unless they did a biopsy by removing certain organs in me. Because I gently declined this major operation. I couldn't make a decision in this emotional state. I never felt a peace about the surgery. My intuition was telling me no. She said to me once " So do you want to die with these 2 large masses in you". She spoke so unkind. And I was feeling almost forced into it. I am still alive and this was all 5 years ago.

I researched a lot on other ways to help my body heal itself. And it did somewhat after I made changes. The masses were shrinking not growing like most masses do. I was on the right path. But I had no support from anyone because, I didn't really share much at the time. So this was quite hard for me. 

I also get very down sometimes and wonder what my purpose on this earth is for. Why am I here? 

[Guest_1055]

I am working through addiction to food. Mostly sugar. Because I feel emotionally so much , I haven't learnt what to do with all these sad, deep emotions. So naturally I turn to sugar and junk food as my coping way. Or just somehow go far away in myself so I no longer feel anything.

I also have symptoms of social anxiety, which is very scary at times. I am working through this too, by choosing to visit people. I don't always do well at it. Fear has stopped me from leaving the house many times. Kept me in chains. That is what it feels like anyway. That has been happening for a long time. From teenage years. I can get out more now then.

Food addiction started way back when I use to steal chocolate icecreams from my nans outside freezer. Whenever I felt alone, which was a lot of the time when we visited there I would just hide somewhere and eat them. Didn't talk much at all to anyone either whilst growing up. I was very much a loner.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Shell, I feel for you so much and you have been through so much. Being sensitive to the pain of others can itself be so painful at times. It’s like being an open conduit for the suffering of others. I recently read a book called Sensitive is the New Strong by Anita Moorjani. She looks at how empaths often absorb the pain of others and how to turn this sensitivity into a strength. I just mention it in case it’s helpful. I fall into this category so I relate to being deeply affected when others are hurting.

 I feel for you too in relation to the medical issues. There can be a lack of emotional intelligence in the way some medical professionals engage with patients. It sounds like you may have done the right thing trusting your intuition. I was scheduled for a biopsy too that I felt very deeply was not the right thing. I cancelled it and the disease that I’d been told could lead to liver failure is now in reverse. Like you I did my own research. I consulted a naturopath who does advanced microbiome testing. His approach has been 1000% more helpful and he has treated me so much more kindly and respectfully. But dealing with the conventional medical people I felt utterly alone and it was distressing. So I really hear you and I think it helps to know the issue is with them and the restrictions in their clinical approach.

Social anxiety can be so painful at times. I think the most helpful thing is gravitating to the social situations that you most want to do with the people you feel most comfortable with. Prioritise yourself in terms of your own wishes and needs. Sometimes when we’re sensitive we’re still always thinking of others first, including in relation to social activities. Just go gently and do what you feel up to and what nurtures you.

 I had major social anxiety as a teenager too and would chronically shake out of fear and I’m still emerging out of it. I hardly spoke either. I feel like the most beneficial thing is having someone you feel seen by and safe with. I eventually found a really good psychologist which did take some searching. If you can connect with people who are gentle and kind, I feel that can really help.

It’s great you have been able to share here and we are here for you.

[Guest_1055]

You are sweet Eagle Ray. Yes the pain in my heart can feel absolutely overwhelming. Just feel so many things deeply. Even today. I had a small panic attack over emotionally feeling something so strong and not knowing what to do with this emotion. I ended up seating on a bench in the shopping centre. Crying sometimes , purposely taking deep breaths and praying. Then got up and walked slowly reading some of the Psalms on my phone. I eventually calmed down.

Yes I agree about some mainstream medical people. And I am sorry you felt utterly alone and distressed when you saw one. Don't they understand that all the fear, unkindness, being forceful and yeah clinical approach  can do damage to our bodies. I try and keep forgiving them when I start to feel bitter towards them. Properly am feeling bitter right now again. And I don't like feeling that emotion either.

That is good you got some help from a naturopath. Not sure what you had going on with your liver or gut. But I know you can give your body " things" to help it heal these areas. I am struggling so much with sugar addiction. Which refined sugar is so not good for our guts. Don't even like the word gut. Just sounds so undignified or something.

Yes I do have someone I can chat with at times. She is very gentle and kind. The more she opens up about herself and me about myself the more I can sense a feeling of connection. It is my sister. I go walking with her. I don't always feel connection because I feel far away. But I believe this "far away" with her is decreasing more and more. Don't even know if that makes sense ,hard to explain.

 Poor thing shaking with fear. I have felt my lips shaking. As well as being frozen, running away. Curling up. I am learning about how to get rid of the fear. Sometimes I remember sometimes not. The verse " Fear not for I am with You" and " I will never leave or forsake you" and one I read today in the Psalms, but I cannot remember it at the moment. Also if I remember this. And it may sound weird to some. 

I will command the spirit of fear to leave me in Jesus name. This feels very foreign to me to me to say this. I know God didn't give me a spirit of fear. Hoping talking about God doesn't make you uncomfortable or anything else. It is just I can't do this life on earth without Him. It feels like hell and I hurt so much without Him. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Shell

I’m so glad you have those Psalms to draw on for whenever you feel vulnerable. I really like the words which are very comforting. No, talking about God doesn’t make me uncomfortable. I don’t have a religious faith as such and didn’t grow up with one but I do have a strong sense of spirituality. I have a feeling of a higher consciousness and a great interconnection among all life forms and even things that are often viewed as inanimate, such as rock formations, which often feel like spiritual places to me.

 I’m glad you were able to sit on the bench in the shopping centre today and gradually calm yourself. I feel like some of us were born particularly sensitive and then life experiences can increase that too. I think the upside of feeling so deeply is also being able to see how beautiful many things in the world are. It’s just tough when dealing with painful stuff.

Yes, I’ve had moments of bitterness too in relation to treatment by medical people. I try to have compassion for them as I think medical training is pretty brutal and although probably improving doesn’t necessarily equip doctors to be sensitively aware of patients. I think the best practitioners are really co-present. They really hear you and respond with their heart, not just the analytical and clinical parts of their brain. That actually makes a profound difference to patient outcomes because it’s healing in itself.

I know sugar can be a tricky one. It’s understandable reaching for it to feel better. I was very debilitated by health issues and improved so much once I eliminated added sugars (I still eat fruit with their natural sugars). If it’s any encouragement, my body doesn’t like sugar much now, so I think you can train the body away from it. My microbiome has healed greatly with supplements and dietary change and my autoimmune liver condition is much improved.

 I’m glad you have your sister. Take care and post whenever you feel the need and it helps.