Vent and then let it go...

[Guest_1055]

I can't do this stupid life anymore. I just need to write this out. Because sometimes it has helped me on the past. Just to shout it out on words. I HATE THIS.. LIFE. The pain keeps happening over and over again. I cannot deal with it. Tears are in my eyes, frustration, aloneness, maybe bitterness, I hate that emotion. Just go in the name of Jesus. I forgive him. It hurts, please heal me. Where does my help come from. The maker of heaven and earth. I hurt Father God. I hurt. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Shell,

 I have had the kind of social anxiety you describe including feeling sick when going into interactions with others. It is a lot better now, but for many years I would feel stressed in group situations. I think for me it got easier through customer service and retail jobs I had in which interacting with people was continuously required of me. It became routine and just got easier as I had to do it all the time. I actually got to like the conversations with customers and enjoyed meeting people. So I still have a mild sort of social anxiety, but not intensely as before.

 I think it can alleviate over time as your nervous system realises most other people are ok and interacting with them is not going to be harmful. I still have this irrational fear of potential harm, but there is part of my brain that knows it’s irrational now which helps. It’s like an adult part of me reassuring the child part that things are ok.

Many years ago now I did a course on organic growing and permaculture, maybe similar to what you are doing now. I remember being very shy about speaking with people and very quiet. But it is ok to be a quiet person and you can just gently allow yourself to engage with others at a pace that feels comfortable for you.

One thing that has helped me over the years has been knowing I genuinely like people and I’m interested in other people. So I try to let that care and interest take over from the anxiety. It’s like I do want to connect, so I focus on that desire to connect in meaningful interactions with others.

Another example would be my fear of public speaking. Starting as early as primary school I would be terrified if I had to speak in front of the rest of the class. I had that for years. Then in my late 20s I was at uni and had to do a presentation. I had been learning mindfulness meditation that helped me focus on the present moment. I realised that I really wanted to engage and communicate with my audience so I started to learn to settle into the present moment and focus on what I wanted to communicate. This helped a lot of the anxiety drop away. I cared about communicating and the topic I was talking about, so I think that helped me focus. I still got nervous, but not in a debilitating way. So I think a lot of it is practice and gradually over time you build confidence and it gets easier.

So I’m wondering if it will help to really focus on why you are doing the course and what you love about organic growing. That can be the beginning potentially for a conversation with someone else doing the course and a way of participating in group activities where you get absorbed in the interest of it, which can take you somewhat out of the anxiety.

So hang in their Shell. You can do it! It’s brave of you to do the course and fantastic you are exploring something you find interesting. See if you can let go, be in the moment and enjoy learning about the topics of the course, and sometimes even just that helps to ease the anxiety. And remember to breathe - it’s all ok and you will be ok.

[Guest_1055]

Hi Eagle Ray, your reply was extremely helpful. I read it a few days ago and found tears behind my eyes as I was reading. I am not sure exactly why, but maybe I can feel you genuinely care, hence the tears. 

I understand what you are saying about confidence growing over time. Because for me it has too. Little by little. Doing this course is another step for me. And I really want to learn more about growing plants organically, especially vegetables.  I could research all this online. But I am pushing myself to get out there amongst other people as scary as feels. The interaction that will most likely happen.....I have no idea how that will go. I don't do small talk well at all. And don't really like it either. But I am interested in other people and I do have a desire to connect genuinely with others.

I am not sure what else to say , thankyou Eagle Ray

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Shell,

 I think quite a few people find small talk difficult and there may even be someone in your course who feels the same as you do. When I was younger and sometimes went to parties I’d find small talk awkward and often felt quite alone and uncomfortable. But every now and then I’d meet someone I had what felt like a more real conversation with. I’ve also learned that often there are several others like me on the quiet and vulnerable side. And even some people who seem confident on the surface are actually feeling vulnerable too.

 I think doing a course on something you are interested in is a great way to be in a group situation because you share a common interest and so there is something to talk about. It gives a focus to things. As you are enthusiastic to learn about organic growing, you can kind of let that take over which can quieten down the social anxiety.

I got really into growing my own veggies in the past and doing it organically. I went to some meetings of a group that does organic growing and I did a course on permaculture too. I absolutely loved growing veggies and also enjoyed cooking with the produce. I had some failures such as the tomatoes getting a disease and something eating most of my lettuces. But it was all a learning curve and I found it very rewarding.

 I hope you get to learn lots of interesting stuff and that the course gives you some inspiration. Good on you for giving it a go.

[Guest_1055]

Thankyou Eagle Ray

Yes I read that you did a course in permaculture. It's great you grew your own lettuce and tomatoes. I don't know what happened to your lettuce or tomatoes. Just basically know the more healthy the soil is, more healthy the environment is the healthy the plant is as it can be stronger to fight off diseases and pests. And the pests are less likely attracted to healthy plants. That is my basic understanding anyway. But you probably already knew all that.

I am hoping you are right by focusing more on learning will help the anxiety shrink. Because I am so very sick of it sort of controlling my life. But it is challenging when one doesn't have the skills to verbally communicate well and connect to other humans.

I was reading about emotional neglect in childhood and what it looks like in an adult. I pretty much related to all of it. I know my parents loved/ love me the best they knew how to. I had a revelation of that ,well my dear mum, a few weeks back. 

Emotional neglect can affect people so much.

I 

[Guest_1055]

Oops posted before I was ready.. I too found parties, and also extended family get togethers awkward, and felt a sense of aloneness and I was definitely uncomfortable

 So much so when I hit around 13 years old or so, I inwardly had panic attacks about it. Along with the feeling of being so very ugly, turning into a shame. All that just made me hide away from others even more. There was no one that listened to me back then at all. And I didn't know what was was happening to me. Nor how to fix it in a healthy way. I would sometimes turn to food as a friend or comfort as well. Infact when I did manage to visit relatives mostly my nans place. I would always be by myself. I use to hide in their laundry and eat the chocolate ice creams in their freezer. I use to play by myself in the little gurgling waterfall fountain thing. I would move around all the beach pebbles in it. I rarely mixed with others. I was the same at school as well.

Thankyou for reading , I am hoping you don't feel pressured to reply or anything. You are free. 

[smallwolf]

Hi (Eagle Ray and) Guest_1055,

Just wanted to pop in, say hello, and respond to a couple of points you made. 🙂

Emotional neglect can be really hard. It can be (in my case) also easy to justify - after all, they provided us with everything we needed? Except support when we needed it most. At the moment I am doing schema therapy with my psychologist about this using limited reparenting. I have also written letters to my younger self as well. 

In your most recent post you also said that you didn't know what was happening. I suspect that in each of our cases we might be thought it was our normal.  I don't know if this applies to you? And I suppose that if we did know at the time what would we do? (rhetorical question.)  It does mean however that we cannot say I should have done this - it is not your fault. I wish you had received the support you were looking for. 

Lastly, I read that you are mixing with others now... Hope it all goes well for you.

[Guest_1055]

Thankyou for your reply smallwolf. I am unsure what else to say but thankyou 

[Guest_1055]

Not easy to keep existing. Feel like I am going far away in my mind. 

[smallwolf]

What would you like to chat about?

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Dear Shell (and Smallwolf),

I can understand those feelings around the neglect and the shame. I felt similar things. It is really hard when we are young and we are not receiving the guidance and support we need. And as Smallwolf said, none of it is your fault, nor can you be expected to have known what to do to solve the situation. Often our parents experienced some form of neglect too and therefore have had difficulty to know how to help and raise us.

 I think it’s true too, as Smallwolf mentioned, that we tend to think of our situation as normal when a child and a teenager as we have nothing else to compare it to. It has taken me years to realise how not normal certain things were and I’m slowly unlearning the shame that was instilled in me as a child. I really understand how that sort of things affects how you can feel around others. It totally makes sense to feel social anxiety when that has been your experience.

 I was particularly affected from the age of 13 too. I used to shake a lot out of fear that would just overtake me. It is extremely tough to go through so I have huge empathy for how you feel. It has started to improve for me even though I still get fears come up. I think it is gradually learning that the world and people are not normally dangerous as they may have seemed as a child.

I’m gradually learning to talk to my inner child and reassure her things are ok when I start to feel anxiety about something. Sometimes over the past several months I actually have this feeling of a small baby with me I am caring for. I know that’s always a good sign, that that’s me nurturing and protecting my very small self. I just thought I’d mention that if that helps you to feel you can nurture your inner child too and help her to be safe and that things are ok.

The going far away in your mind sounds like it could be dissociation which is a very normal response to overwhelm and how our system is trying to protect us. I’ve had a lot of dissociation and it still can happen, but I know it is an inner coping mechanism and so I understand when it’s happening now. Grounding activities such as sensing your feet on the ground, walking in nature and taking the time to sense and notice the things around you can help bring you back to the here and now. Talking with someone you trust and feel safe with can be very grounding too.

 I hope you are enjoying your course and doing ok. Take good care and happy to chat if you want to.