Not sure on the best path forward

[Dannn]

The older I get the more back story there is for anything to make sense and I don't like talking about myself at the best of times. It's been 15 years since I attempted suicide, 12 since I last self harmed. Since then I've gotten married and have a 1 year old now, so I don't want to be getting worse, I need to provide for my family. If I thought I could get away with it I would probably have fallen back into my old self harm habits. If I was going to kill myself I'd do my best to make it look like an accident, to be clear, I think it's very unlikely, but it's also at the forefront of my thoughts and the fact that I don't think it's an option makes me feel even more trapped.

I saw a psychologist 6 years ago and was diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum, that helped in a lot of ways, but made things harder in other ways. I'm more self aware about things, but that makes me realise that I am just incapable of passing for normal, no matter how hard I try. It was tough making that first step to see a professional and I'm not sure if I could do it again, maybe in the world of telehealth I would fare a little better though. What scares me the most is being hospitalised, apart from the obvious reasons, I've worked at the local hospital for 5 years now, I know everyone from security quite well, I've been in the mental health department to fix and upgrade a number of systems in recent years and I do my best to portray myself as a professional and keep myself in one piece. My anxiety went through the roof when I first had to work in the mental health department, although it actually seemed like a nice and safe space to be in as a patient, having a connection with so many people at the hospital terrifies me.

I did try and talk to someone on online support yesterday, I just didn't know what to say, I don't know what I'm trying to do and it seems there are few options for people who struggle with talking face to face. At least, I think I'm looking in the right direction, even if I am slipping backwards.

[Dannn]

Lots of headaches lately, not that it's too bad, but hard not to think about it when your head hurts. Apparently it should pass fairly soon, still adjusting to medication. I managed to get a bit of stuff done on the weekend, so at least my motivation seems to be coming back, that will certainly help my mood if I can start feeling a little more like myself.

I had a bit of a mix-up with making psychologist appointments and ended up getting a call on Saturday about the appointment I didn't realise I had for today. So that certainly caused some extra anxiety, but it went well enough, not that much was achieved, it takes most of that time to get up to speed. I've got my next appointment in 4 weeks, so slowly getting there. I'll admit I'm still a bit pessimistic as I feel like I already do everything I can to cope as well as I can, but even if it doesn't help, at least I'll know I've tried everything and might have to concede that medication would be an ongoing part of my life.

I'm trying not to pay too much attention to the suicidal thoughts and the urge to self harm, I feel like I think more about suicide as a result of fighting the urge to self harm. I'm probably raising more red flags as a result of not self harming, but I just seem to revert back to suicidal thoughts, checking my life insurance, getting my will is up to date, both of which are also sensible things to do, but probably not ideal timing to think I should check all that stuff out. I didn't think about any of that the first time I attempted suicide, I almost see it as a good thing, that at least I'm thinking about the people I'd leave behind, like it makes me less likely to do it, because it feels more real when I start figuring out the real details of the world without me in it.

For now the focus is trying to reclaim some normalcy, honestly I didn't realise my biggest problem was anxiety, I've always avoided things I didn't want to do, I just didn't realise it was being driven by anxiety. I've got a fairly long to do list, which involves going to shop which I'm just not comfortable doing, I guess more so after Covid, I can count on one hand the number of times I've gone to a shop in the last 12 months. I don't feel like I'm up to pushing that point at the moment, but realising that's a big part of the issue I can start mentally preparing to get back out in the real world.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Dannn,

It's so good to hear from you again. We think you are so brave sharing your experiences with us so candidly. We are sorry for how much you are struggling right now but it sounds like you're getting used to a new treatment regime, which we know can be tough but it is so important.

Our support service is reaching out to you via email as we are worried about you.

As you know, the peer support, advice, understanding and conversation on offer here is often quick, but it is not immediate. For more immediate help please reach out to our support service directly on 1300 22 4636 or our friends at Lifeline on 13 11 14. And please remember if ever you think you're at risk of harming yourself, it is an emergency and you should call 000 straightaway.

[Dannn]

I'm sorry, I don't mean to cause anyone to worry. It's just a lot to process and a lot of change right now. But I got along well the the psychologists, I've been seeing my GP regularly as well, I told a family member and a friend what is going on. Plus I've used the beyond blue support a couple of times before I started seeing the GP. So I'm going to be ok, but in the meantime I still have invasive thoughts, I'll beat them eventually, but still struggling at times.
I appreciate the concern, I am hopeful things will be ok, even if I'm struggling right now.
Back to the GP next week for a new script, so I'm staying in relatively close contact along the way, it helps to vent / rant a bit on here, I tend to forget these things when I'm talking to someone, so I want to make sure I don't sugar coat things.

[ecomama]

Hey Dannn, I'm EM, it's a privilege to meet you!

Hey, you don't have to apologise to anyone here!
I'm so glad you're using your thread to open up, vent, describe what you're going through so well..

just like other members who've come to support you, I'm also VERY proud of you.

The Sophie_Ms will just pop in from time to time to make sure you feel as supported as you can be on the forums. We have no measure to know how many lives have been saved by the Sophie_Ms popping in just at the right time.
Thanks Sophies!
All good Dannn.

Dannn I've read your entire thread.
I can see you've got quite a scientific mind, is this correct?
If so, I'll come back and offer some things you might love to read about / research.
Basically I think you'll have to "interrupt the feedback loop" of thoughts going on like a mousewheel in your mind.
Ruminating on such destructive thoughts ain't gonna help no one.
Let me know your thoughts on this.

Well done you for doing all those things to keep a physically healthy lifestyle going!
Also for avoiding things that are detrimental to your physical health too!

Ooops CONGRATUALTIONS on having a beautiful baby girl! Clever you! lolol.
I'm sure she's gorgeous.

Besides the above feedback loop stuff I think you'll relish (just let me know)...

the one thing I noticed that isn't happening much, or you just haven't mentioned it as far as I comprehended, is FUN.

Yep FUN.

Sure, things are tough and I went through depression for many years and could barely smile sincerely, let alone laugh or nowhere near have a belly laugh....

how are you doing on the "Fun and laughter scale"? >>> I just made that up JUST for you btw.

With zero pressure at all, maybe you can have a think about some things that might make you laugh?
A silly comedy perhaps? (I thought "Man Down" was so stupid that it was hilarious... stuff like this).

Maybe a past time you can waste a bit of time on just because you LOVE doing it?
Something that will make you SMILE when you look at it.
(My Fiancee LOVES Solidworks... omg he designs the funniest things on that program.)
What "flicks your switches"?
Or even, to begin with, what makes you CALM? or what soothes you?

What do you think?

Looking forward to hearing from you Dannn and WELCOME to the forums!
I'm so glad you're here. 🤗

Love EM

[Dannn]

Thanks EM,

So, with a name like ecomama you'd probably be happy to hear that I enjoy making my house as efficient as possible. We're all electric and currently carbon negative by about 2 tonnes a year, not bad for what started out as an old beach shack. I've still got plans to improve further with passive solar heating for the roof space that hasn't been used for solar power. All of which probably answers your question, yes, I have a very scientific mind and welcome any input you might have.

I do like the Fun and laughter scale™, I still do things I enjoy, but I think being so routine driven I let depression sneak up on me and didn't realise I was just going through the motions until things got bad. I've been trying to do a bit more fun stuff, dusted off my guitar, more running and more time on the bike and just more relaxing with the family in general. I guess I'd say I'm doing fun things, but just not having fun. I recognise that it's really just a matter of time now and I know I'm still going to have bad days ahead of me, at least I know there going to be plenty of good days. Also been watching a few more comedies lately, I'll give Man Down a try after we finish Superstore.

I haven't got a lot of Solidworks experience, but I've been using AutoCAD for about 15 years. Recently I started dabbling a bit in Blender and UNITI, which both free software for 3D modelling and game development respectively. Your fiancee may want to look at what he can do with them, as you can take models from other software like Solidworks and AutoCAD and import them, to make far more artistic or photorealistic renders than engineering software is ever capable of. You might even enjoy them, my wife enjoyed learning a bit of 3D modelling after seeing me do so much of it in the past.

I guess the thing that worries me is that I feel like I do everything right but still struggle, I guess my best case scenario is that I spend a while on medication and talking to a psychologist, learn to control my anxiety, I feel like depression will fade away if I'm not always anxious. Then after some time getting used going through life without anxiety, start getting off the medication and ideally realise that I'm fine without it at that point.

I really appreciate your input EM, that must have taken a while to read all of that!

[ecomama]

Hey Dannn, I really appreciate YOUR input too!

*** correction CONGRATULATIONS spelt it wrong.

Yep took me a while to read but I feel like I (& others will) know more about you, so that's a credit to you!

Sure! My Fiancee used AutoCad for a long while then went the whole hog. Spent a US$$ fortune on Solidworks & likes it alot.

I'm looking at a 3 pronged approach in things to suggest... I thought you had a Scientific mind lol, no surprises there really.

The book you might be fascinated with is by Dr Joe Dispenza, it's called, "Evolve Your Brain: The Science of Changing Your Mind".
It's VERY scientific! Lots of amazing information about the brain, probably stuff you already know but that will help you comprehend it all better, maybe faster.

Don't be dismayed!
This is his FIRST book that I know of.
I bought it soon after it was published years ago. He goes on & on in his next books with ground breaking research & incredible studies. The healing he's been a catalyst for is AWE inspiring.
I've got all his books lol.

So that's ONE approach.

I'm SO impressed you have Eco friendly things going on at your place & PLANS to do so much more! Now there you DID surprise me, delightfully so!

This wasn't one of my initial approaches but I'll put it out there, see how you feel.
Organic gardening truly healed my depression. I spent many years not knowing I also had Complex PTSD as well but that's pretty much gone too now & yes I've put TONS of hard work in. PTSD being an extreme extension of the anxiety spectrum kinda thing to help you place it.

Along those lines since we're such good friends now lol.... my trauma psych said to me last year that she usually spends 18 months helping her patients recover from depression BEFORE being able to work with them on the anxiety / PTSD stuff.

Perhaps that's a headsup about which one to work on first? ie depression or anxiety.
Up to you really.

I'd do depression first.

SO within Organic Gardening there's the amazing philosophies of Permaculture which isn't JUST about growing food but structuring our properties for best efficiency. STACKS of Science in there, just FYI lol.
I have a PDC - Permaculture Design Cert. Also Biodynamic Certs too.

BUT work in a pretty unrelated field. I grow food in the gardens at work, do worm farming, composting. Now others have joined in.

FUN, please persist. Over time you will laugh again. It's about getting into the "habit" of it too.

What do you think?

Love EM

[Dannn]

Thanks, I ordered your book recommendation a few days ago. I actually went out for a drink after work with a couple of friends on Friday. You don't even have to talk to anyone these days, just sit at a table and scan a QR code and order..... perfect for someone who doesn't like dealing with people!
Not sure that you'll turn me into a gardener though, my wife does all the gardening, I'm glad we grow some of our own food and I'm glad I don't have to do it ☺ Although given enough spare time to stay on top of things, I don't mind the sound of an aquaponics setup one day.

I've had a bit of a weird week, obviously I'm still adjusting to medication and first psychologist appointment. But when I was heading to work before my appointment I left all my referral paperwork on the buffet at home and my wife read it. It had a few more details than I'd told, particularly around suicide / self harm. So, that wasn't a great start having her read that while I was at work. I had planned on discussing the more recent issues once I had stabilised a bit, I figured she knew enough to support me in a tough time and I didn't want to burden her too much, making the transition to stay at home mum isn't the easiest thing. But things got even more awkward when she came here looking for some insight (with the best intentions to be a supportive wife) and found these posts...... Suffice to say the extra detail was very upsetting for her and not a great surprise to come home to. Which also adds the issue that I'm never going to really feel like I can post here without feeling like it's being read, so I just don't really know. It's just made things a bit weird, while it's nice to have no secrets, bringing things up in my own time would be much preferred. Not really sure what else to say at the moment.

[Aaronsis]

Hey Dannn

I just wanted to stop in and say hello and let you know that I am thinking of you, and just wanted to see how things have been going for you lately.

You have had a lot on your plate and I am wondering if you have been able to get some more support?

Hope to chat again soon Dannn

Hugs

Sarah