Not sure on the best path forward

[Dannn]

The older I get the more back story there is for anything to make sense and I don't like talking about myself at the best of times. It's been 15 years since I attempted suicide, 12 since I last self harmed. Since then I've gotten married and have a 1 year old now, so I don't want to be getting worse, I need to provide for my family. If I thought I could get away with it I would probably have fallen back into my old self harm habits. If I was going to kill myself I'd do my best to make it look like an accident, to be clear, I think it's very unlikely, but it's also at the forefront of my thoughts and the fact that I don't think it's an option makes me feel even more trapped.

I saw a psychologist 6 years ago and was diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum, that helped in a lot of ways, but made things harder in other ways. I'm more self aware about things, but that makes me realise that I am just incapable of passing for normal, no matter how hard I try. It was tough making that first step to see a professional and I'm not sure if I could do it again, maybe in the world of telehealth I would fare a little better though. What scares me the most is being hospitalised, apart from the obvious reasons, I've worked at the local hospital for 5 years now, I know everyone from security quite well, I've been in the mental health department to fix and upgrade a number of systems in recent years and I do my best to portray myself as a professional and keep myself in one piece. My anxiety went through the roof when I first had to work in the mental health department, although it actually seemed like a nice and safe space to be in as a patient, having a connection with so many people at the hospital terrifies me.

I did try and talk to someone on online support yesterday, I just didn't know what to say, I don't know what I'm trying to do and it seems there are few options for people who struggle with talking face to face. At least, I think I'm looking in the right direction, even if I am slipping backwards.

[Dannn]

Thanks Sarah, it seems so strange to have someone tell me I have a positive attitude, I guess it's all about context.
Well, I came home with a prescription yesterday. GP said to take my time, I don't have to start right away. Just taking a few days to think at the moment. Might try and catch up with a friend for a few drink before I start on any sort of medication.
I can't help but question if I'm heading the right direction, sometimes I'll feel normal for a while and think I've just over reacted, I have to remind myself of how bad things can get, but that just ruins my otherwise good moods when they show up. Which is a little conflicting when compared to my other thought, that this doesn't feel like my life right now. I'm here because I don't want to hurt people, because I need to be a good provider, not necessarily because I want to be here. I know that's how I hang on until I get things sorted out, but it still feels strange, just cruising along on autopilot.... at least that means I'm still heading the right direction.

[Doolhof]

Hi Dannn,

Earlier today I read these words on Facebook and wanted to share them with you.

Keep Going!

No matter how stuck you feel.

No matter how bad things are right now.

No matter how many days you've spent crying.

No matter how hopeless and depressed you feel.

No matter how many days you've spent wishing things were different.

Keep Going.

I know it can be darn tough at times and we wonder where to from here. I hope you get the help and assistance you need so you can move forward and see differences and changes that are beneficial.

Wishing you strength, resilience, determination and courage. Even if these come in tiny amounts, that is a start!

They have helped me through, hope they do the same for you! Wishing you the power to make the difference!

[Aaronsis]

Hi Dannn

Apologies for my tardy reply to you, I have has some time away over the long weekend in Vic and went to spend some amazing time in Mallacoota, on the gorgeous beaches and in the new regrowth along the bush walks that is starting to grow from the horrific fires they experienced.

I am really pleased to hear that you have started some medication and I hope that it is starting to make some sort of difference, although it does take time so may be too early to tell. I am so proud of you for making this choice as I know it was not an easy one for you, I hope that it is going along nicely so far.

The journey is weird, confusing and tough, you do feel good one minute and feel unsure as to why as you know how bad you felt the day before, which as you mentioned, ruins the current mood. However this will soften as the more you start to feel and embrace different feelings you are going to have on your way forward, and it is not always forward, sometimes it is back and you have a bad day, and that is fine too, but important to acknowledge that it is a bad day and not a bad life, that things can and do get a little brighter, and that they do. I think this is sometimes why writing and journaling can help so you can really see that you are having some good days and good moments and that you are making steps forward, that you are able to see that.

I hear you in that you are staying out of obligation to your family and that is enough, at the moment even one reason to chose to stay is enough, to keep you here, and as each day passes and with all the work you are doing the things on your list of why you should stay will hopefully get longer and longer and maybe one day you realize without even knowing that you actually want to stay. You are doing so well and making so many good and healthy choices for you and your mental health and this is so wonderful and I hope you can feel just some little bit of pride as I am so very proud of you. Even if you feel like you are on autopilot, at least that is a feeling and that is keeping you going, and that is a wonderful thing.

I really meant that when I said you do have a positive attitude, even in each post I can still hear hope, and the want that there will be brighter days, there will be brighter days.

I am really looking forward to hearing from you and finding out how things are going for you today and the past few days too.

You matter Dannn, you matter so much and I am so proud you are here reaching out.

Huge hugs

Sarah xx

[Dannn]

Thanks Doolhof and thanks Sarah, I'm slowly getting there.
Almost a week on medication now, it hasn't been a great week, but at least it's different. Probably the easiest way to put it is that I feel like I'm much safer, but the adjustment phase is rough. There have been a few nights where I've only managed 4 hours of sleep, not for a lack of trying, but I know I need to give it at least a couple of weeks if not a month for the medication to really start to help. It might take that long before I actually get in with a psychologist, but at least knowing I should start seeing some positive changes helps push through.
Oddly I seem to be having more suicidal thoughts, yet I feel far less likely to act on them, it's really just seemingly unending anxiety at the moment, it's all just a bit different lately.
Got a follow up appointment next Friday to check how I'm doing with the medication, will be interesting to see how I go with anxiety when I get there, that's never an easy on for me.

I'm glad you got away for a while Sarah, I've never been to Mallacoota, but if it's anything like the other towns along that section of coast I'm sure it was beautiful. I have managed a few trips to our local beach, that's always a step in the right direction for anyone's mental health.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Dannn

That was the most wonderful news to read, that after just one week of meds your mindset is that you are slowly getting there, wow, that is fantastic. While it hasn't all been great, and we can always expect ups and downs on this journey, that you can see hope and feel somewhat like you are "getting there".

The sleep will hopefully improve too and while 4 hours is not enough it is sure better than nothing, or tossing and turning all night with frustration and thoughts that are not welcome. So I am thinking that four hours is a great start and hopefully as the time goes on this will increase. I am sure that you have some things that you do to help you get to sleep but if you would like to talk more about these sorts of things we can do that too.

I hear you say that you oddly have been having more thoughts around suicide than before, it was very pleasing to read though that your wanting to act on them has decreased. This is great news, although I am sure that having more thoughts around suicide is both unnerving and uncomfortable and somewhat concerning I am wondering if you are thinking more about what suicide means and how it would impact rather than methods and actually making a plan? If you wanted to chat some more about that too we could as they are quite different.

My time away in Mallacoota was divine and I had the most wonderful time with friends. You are so right in that it was such soul food and the time at the beach with the waves racing up the sand and crashing over your feet, along with the water spray that occasionally washed over you and you could taste the salt on your skin. The sunshine and the fresh air and then there was the bush walks that were all sorts of colours from the fires and burnt trees and logs that are in the the regrowth phase..just stunning.

I am wondering how today is for you and how you are going?

Looking forward to chatting some more with you Dannn.

Hugs

Sarah xxx

[Dannn]

I think I'm slowly progressing, the last two days have been pretty awful for anxiety, but the day before I was probably the calmest I've been in years, so I can look forward to more of those days at least. My productivity at work and at home have been at an all time low, maybe that's part of what is keeping me from acting on any self destructive thoughts. Getting more sleep this week too, although lots of waking through the night and very drowsy during the day.
I don't know if I'm happy or disappointed with myself after last night, I didn't harm myself, but I haven't been so close in 12 years, I had some privacy, a plan to hide injuries.... I'm glad I've started down this path, knowing that I'd either have to lie about it or admit that it happened, neither sat well with me. But why I was silly enough to put myself in that position, it's like I went onto autopilot and that was just the only way to calm myself down. On the bright side, it's different now, in the past an urge that strong would only go away when it was acted upon, instead I avoided it and the next day everything was ok again.

I'm not really sure why suicide has been on my mind, those thoughts seem to slowly be easing up now. I wonder if it was just my minds way of resolving those feelings when I forced myself to take a different path, I know it sounds strange, but my plan seemed like the right was to do it, almost like I'm disappointed to not see it through. That sounds so wrong to put into writing.

Off to the GP tomorrow, and waiting for a call back about an appointment with a psychologist, so still moving forward, even if it's a bit bumpy.

I'd love to put a list of positives since my last post, but I've done basically nothing but work, lay on the couch or sleep. I managed a short bike ride to the beach and that has been about it.

As always thankyou for your kind reply Sarah, it means so much to me, I hope you're doing well.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Dannn,

It's great that you have been progressing and that you had a particularly calm day the other day.  Sometimes we just can't seem to have those days and its lovely when they come.  We hear that you are having very reflective conversations with yourself, as much as they are difficult to have.  Sometimes it can be a process to work through our patterns of thinking. It takes a lot of courage to change such behaviours that have shown comfort in the past.

Please remember that you can always contact Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) if things become too overwhelming and you need support.

You can also contact MensLine Australia is a free 24/7 telephone and online counselling service for men with emotional health and relationship concerns. You can contact them on 1300 78 99 78 or https://mensline.org.au/  or Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport .

The community is here to support you and you are not alone here.  

[smallwolf]

Hi... these are my 2c worth and hope you find something useful in them.

I am unsure whether the mention of suicide in your post and thinking .(thoughts) about are rhetorical or not. From my perspective, it can come at a time when feeling SO LOW and that it becomes a way of resolving all the pain inside of us.

• That you say these thoughts are easing up can be seen as a positive.
• Also, the fact that you will go back to talk with your GP is also a positive.
• The bike ride is also a positive.
• Despite how you might be feeling you are working,

The items above show me a person that has strength, resilience, is looking after self, open, honest, courageous to name but a few. And I can safely say, that not everyone is like that.

My own experience has told me that when I am low, that feeling smashes and positive I might have done. In the same breath when I talk to someone else, they are able to highlight some good things I have actually done. Not sure how you feeling except that you have been through this before and a new journey awaits and the people here will be with you to support you also.

[Dannn]

Thanks smallwolf, I appreciate your insight. Sorry if the talk of suicide sounds concerning, rereading my post I do see how it could be interpreted that way. I'm not great at describing feelings, to be honest I don't think I could follow through with a suicide attempt after involving my GP and discussing at least part of what I'm struggling with family and a close friend. When I made an attempt in the past I had isolated myself and continued to spiral out of control, although I might feel the same way at times I know I have more support in place and more to come when I finally see a psychologist. At the beginning of all of this I had contacted a couple of the web chat support services as I couldn't bring myself to pick up a phone, but that was a big part in pushing me to the first step of talking to a GP. So, I'm getting there, I think I'm doing all the right things, while I may not be able to control my thoughts sometimes I'm taking the moments where I feel ok to push myself in the right direction.

In a way it was disappointing when I was going through my lifestyle with the GP and I was ticking every box for a healthy lifestyle, I would have loved an easy answer to all of this, I'm forever doing things, staying active, eating healthily, I don't smoke, I rarely drink and never touch drugs. Apart from a small injury recently I'm in the best shape of my life as I approach middle age, these are all lifestyle changes I've made in the last 15 years as I tried to take care of myself better. To be back in the same place is disheartening, but it has forced me to get the help I had avoided out of irrational fears when I was younger.

I'm going to be ok, but I think I have a few battles ahead of me yet, and I'm trying not to hinge all my hopes on medication, ideally that will just be a tool I use to get me through while I learn better ways to cope and to spot early warning signs instead of thinking I'm ok right up until I'm ready to kill myself.

I do appreciate the support around here too, one day I hope I'm in a place to give back some support to this community, just lurking and ready other people stories is a great help sometimes. Not every step I take is in the right direction, but enough of them are that I can see the way out.

[Aaronsis]

Fantastic Dannn

The more you are posting the more I am hearing words of hope and small bursts of feeling good and that you can see the path you are on is moving, you are moving forward and you are getting to have experiences of calm and the notion of being able to look forward to more of these days coming your way...this is so wonderful Dannn and I am so very proud of the hard work you are doing to make this progress for you.

I am hoping that work has been supportive and that you have been able to share with them what is going on for you and that you need some time to take care of yourself. While I know it can be frustrating when we think about how we used to operate and the things we used to get done in a day, and no longer are doing these things, I hope you can see too that when we do have so many balls in the air and we dont address them they will come falling down around us...so what we did in the past to some degree cannot compare with today, as today you are on a new journey of wellness, and taking care of each of these balls and to ensure that they no longer come crashing down around you.

I am so beyond proud of you that you were able to refrain from the self harm, as you mentioned there was opportunity but you found a reason not to, even if it was that you didn't want to lie or even explain, this is perfect reason enough and has stopped you from acting out. You were not silly in putting yourself in that position, old habits are hard to shake and we do go into auto pilot, but as you can see that you were able to notice what was happening and something so small was able to stop you...this is wonderful Dannn and shows real strength and in fact how far you have come..I am so proud of you. I am also glad that you have reflected on this and that you acknowledged that the next day "every thing was ok again"..in that you can see that there are better moments ahead.

You say you would like to put a list of positives together...Dannn can I say that all I can see in your post is a list of positives..while they may not look like the ones you imagined, I think in fact they are more important..keeping safe and learning how to fight those urges...wow....that is so beyond positive.

I love a beach walk and find it so cleansing, the waves hitting your legs and the sand scratching your feet, the smell of the air and then the taste of salt.

I am doing so well Dannn and I am so happy to be here with you on your journey.

You matter so much and I am so proud

Hugs

Sarah x