The impulse just becomes more frequent and more serious

[Mirai]

this post ended up basically just being a collection of things i wanted to vent about, sorry

I used to only think about suicide maybe once a month or so, and it was very hypothetical. Over the last few months-year it's become much more of a thing in my mind, and recently I've had a few days planning to attempt it until it fell off later on.

I don't know what's wrong with me but I'm just, generally not happy. My mood goes up and down a fair bit, but has become more consistently down over time. I don't enjoy much, everything feels like a huge, draining effort, and I'm just incapable of a lot of things anyway. I've been neglecting hygiene a lot more, I rarely end up showering more than once a week, though I guess that's normal for me. I've been overeating a lot, just because I have poor self control and it feels good, though I hate that I'm getting even fatter now.

I was prescribed taking srri's for a bit, stopped taking them recently, I don't think I noticed any change. I've been referred to a psychiatrist over this and the possibility of ADHD, though the earliest I can see them is April. I don't know what I'm going to do once school starts again, I do absolutely nothing in class and have had declining grades and been failing more recently, I don't know how I'm supposed to be able to complete my assignments or major works when all I can bring myself to do is sit there and stare.

I worry about how I'm meant to have any kind of future, I feel worthless, lazy and useless as a person, and worry a lot about wasting time and all the things I've missed out on already, and get jealous of other people's lives and qualities. I spend a lot of time just trying to get attention with my appearance or whatever online, though I can't post in the space I do that anymore so I guess that's over.

this post kinda ended up just being a collection of things i wanted to vent about and wasn't really about anything I guess, sorry. probably forgot a bunch of stuff too.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Mirai,

Thank you so much for reaching out here today. We are so sorry to hear that you are experiencing suicidal urges and that you spent time forming a plan. We are really concerned to hear this so we are reaching out to you privately to check in with you and make sure you're safe.

You mentioned that you have been referred to a psychiatrist - are you currently accessing any other form of mental health support? It's important that when you make changes to your medication that you do this in partnership with your prescribing doctor.

We would really urge that you create a safety plan to help you cope in dark moments. You can do this through our page “BeyondNow suicide safety planning” - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

You might already be aware, but you are always welcome to get in touch with Kids Help Line. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under. This might be a helpful support for you since you are not able to see a psychiatrist until April. We know waiting can be frustrating, but please know that you are not alone in the meantime.

It sounds like you're dealing with a lot, and are also trying to sort out a lot in your mind, like your future. This can be overwhelming and leave us feeling exhausted and not capable of dealing with the future - we'd encourage you to just take one day at a time if you can. Some might have worked out what they'd like in their future, but many others haven't, and you're certainly not alone in this. It's okay to not know what you want yet. You mentioned that you're not enjoying much at the moment - is there anything that you do enjoy, or that did bring you joy in the past?

Thanks again for reaching out here. Hopefully over the next few days, some of our community members will be by to welcome you.


 

[Guest_4643]

Hey Mirai, welcome to the forums.

I'm really sorry to hear that you're battling with SH & suicidal thoughts, please know that you're not alone. We're all here for you to offer you kind, caring, non judgemental support. We all understand you.

You're not worthless, lazy and a useless person. You're trying your best and you're struggling and reaching out for help, and that's perfectly ok. As the saying goes, "it's okay not to be okay." It's okay to ask for help. Please don't feel bad about that, but I do understand the feeling.

Please keep yourself safe, and contact a helpline such as Lifeline if you need to.

[MetaGirl]

Hi Mirai,

I'm ADHD. I understand you completely. How did you go with your brain wrangler (psychiatrist) ?

MG