Not sure on the best path forward

[Dannn]

The older I get the more back story there is for anything to make sense and I don't like talking about myself at the best of times. It's been 15 years since I attempted suicide, 12 since I last self harmed. Since then I've gotten married and have a 1 year old now, so I don't want to be getting worse, I need to provide for my family. If I thought I could get away with it I would probably have fallen back into my old self harm habits. If I was going to kill myself I'd do my best to make it look like an accident, to be clear, I think it's very unlikely, but it's also at the forefront of my thoughts and the fact that I don't think it's an option makes me feel even more trapped.

I saw a psychologist 6 years ago and was diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum, that helped in a lot of ways, but made things harder in other ways. I'm more self aware about things, but that makes me realise that I am just incapable of passing for normal, no matter how hard I try. It was tough making that first step to see a professional and I'm not sure if I could do it again, maybe in the world of telehealth I would fare a little better though. What scares me the most is being hospitalised, apart from the obvious reasons, I've worked at the local hospital for 5 years now, I know everyone from security quite well, I've been in the mental health department to fix and upgrade a number of systems in recent years and I do my best to portray myself as a professional and keep myself in one piece. My anxiety went through the roof when I first had to work in the mental health department, although it actually seemed like a nice and safe space to be in as a patient, having a connection with so many people at the hospital terrifies me.

I did try and talk to someone on online support yesterday, I just didn't know what to say, I don't know what I'm trying to do and it seems there are few options for people who struggle with talking face to face. At least, I think I'm looking in the right direction, even if I am slipping backwards.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Dannn,

First of all can we thank you for taking such a brave step in outlining some of your journey with us here today. We know it isn't easy but it is so important that you have. Our forums community is full of people who have personal experience with mental health. Users here give and receive support to one another based on these experiences. While everyone's journey is different, we are confident others here will understand what you are going through. You are not alone.

While the peer support on offer here is often quick, it is important to bear in mind that it isn't immediate. You say you don't like talking about yourself and know that there are online chat support options available to you if you do need more immediate support than the forums can provide and you don't feel like speaking. We just wanted to list a few services you could use to webchat or email for immediate support:

Suicide Call Back Service offers 24/7 webchat counselling: https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/phone-and-online-counselling/

Beyond Blue has webchat from 1pm to midnight AEDT every day and an option to email counsellors if you prefer (but please note replies are within 24 hours). You can use these options by clicking on the corresponding link in the top right of every Beyond Blue page or via this url: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support

Lifeline offers text and webchat options between 7pm and midnight every day: https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat/

Once again thank you and welcome to our online forums community. Please keep reaching out here whenever you feel up to it.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Dannn

Welcome to the forum and it is so brave of you to share your story and to reach out for some support. I hear what you are saying in that it is not easy to talk about one's self, especially when the topic is mental health. Just a thought though, you have expressed so wonderfully here how you are feeling and what is going on for you that you could always start with this very post, to give these words you have put here to a GP to start the conversation, they will do the rest. It is exhausting to retell the story over and over and I think that is half the trouble people have in seeking support that they connect with, the not know where to start and how much to share and just the pain of being so raw and honest.

I want to say how proud I am that you have managed to take care of you after an attempt, and after self harm, I have no idea how hard that must be to do, but I am so glad you are here and that you are reaching out and that you are making steps to feel well.

It was also great to read that you did reach out to the support services yesterday, Sophie M has put some options here for you too that are web based and hopefully these make it a more comfortable option for you to seek some support.

I hear that your connection to the hospital makes it a very uncomfortable thought to have to access services or be in need of mental health care in front of peers and colleagues, however, while I know the stigma is still there and it is different, if you had a broken arm you would not hesitate to show up there, your mental health is equally, well probably more important and if those want to judge you for being there well I would have to consider their role in your life anyway. You matter, you health matters and getting support matters. Wearing a mask so that others assume you are fine is one way to cope and get through the day, but it also stops people who do genuinely care for you knowing and reaching out to you, who want to support you. Is it so bad to let someone see you are not doing so well?

I lost my brother to suicide and I would give anything for him to have just for one moment taken his mask off and reached out, then maybe just maybe the outcome may have been different, it also may not have but I would like to think that people do care in this world, not everyone but there are some, and who would see another's pain and support.

It has been so great to chat to you Dannn and I hope to do more if you would like to share or to chat.

Here for you,

hugs

Sarah

[Dannn]

Thank you both for your replies, it really does help.
I think what has got me is how rapid the change was, I think I had taken keeping things under control for granted, then I was was just on the other side of my tipping point. When I first went through this it was gradual, which is probably part of how I ended up attempting suicide rather than seeking support, each day was about the same as the last, but over the course of years I sank so far that I didn't realise how close I was the edge. Of course it helps knowing my place on the autism spectrum helps, I don't usually consider it a problem, but when I'm not coping everything makes sense in that context.
I just hate how illogical it all is, I'm the most logical person you'll ever meet, as much as I hate the comparison, people have often compared me to Sheldon Cooper, personally I don't see it, I think I do a far better job of behaving normally, but I guess there's a reason why people say it. But I just don't get how I can be so illogical, if I thought I could get away with hurting myself I would have and I'm sure I would have at least felt better at the time. I'm glad I haven't, but that's not the right reason for avoiding hurting myself. I'm a grown man, with a good career, I do all the boring adult things, buy houses, invest, get promotions. People come to me for help with pretty much everything, I worked in IT for 2 years with no relevant qualifications because they were struggling to find anyone who could do the job, then I got poached by another department when they were worried about one of the other departments beating them to me. Maybe that little side tracked rant is highlighting part of the problem, I'm not the only one that puts a lot of pressure on me, but often there is nobody to pass things off to. I know there are plenty of people who are better at plenty of things, but they're not here.

Right now I'm just venting, still looking at different resources while I'm self aware enough to get things sorted out. I just worry about how I'll respond if there's a sudden negative input in my life, I guess that's both why I know I'm ok even if I'm in a bad place and why I'm still worried. I can keep it together right now, but I don't know about the next big change.

Aaronsis, I am so sorry for your loss, that hits so close to home as my biggest regret is still how much it would have hurt my sister had I died and I think that guilt is part of what will keep me here moving forward.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Dannn,

It's great that you have self awareness around your situation and seeking supports.  It can be very difficult to do that particularly when being in the midst of struggles.  Is there a way for you to get more clear as to where your tipping point is, before it gets too much?  This can be hard to measure, especially during challenging times.  

You were given resources in a previous post.  Would you consider creating a plan with a friendly counsellor from one of those resources, while you're in this exploration phase?

Please continue to look for support on the forums.  You are not alone in this and you have a part of this community.

[Aaronsis]

Hey Dannn

Thank you so much for your kind words about my brother, while it does not help much to say to people when they are feeling so lost and like their life is in danger to "think about your family" or "think about what you are leaving behind", I am somewhat happy that in your case it has helped to keep you here, even if it is guilt, or out of worry about how they will react and cope, see at this time any reason to stay is wonderful and hopefully in time one reason turns into 5 reasons and so on. There are brighter days and I hope that you can get some support to help you on your journey to wellness to see those brighter days.

It is hard when you know yourself very well, as you said, you are a logical person so why on earth is this illogical thinking and feeling happening to me? Also logical things like you said "I am a grown man with a good career"..see as you know, ill mental health does not know that, nor does it care, it impacts anyone at anytime and is not choosy.

I am so proud you are here and are venting, it does make processing things somewhat easier sometimes just to get them off your chest, or to even see the words infront of you and put a name to a feeling. There is much merit in sharing, like the old saying says "a problem shared is a problem halved", while the problem does not go away, the enormity of it is sometimes softened.

There are some amazing support services and Sophie_M has put them there in her post, but please do not underestimate a trip to the GP to have a chat and to check in and to let them know how you are feeling and allowing them to see if there is something they can do for you too.

I hear that work is also an environment that does put pressure on you so maybe even a chat to your manager to let them know that the workload is getting heavy and that you are having a tough time at the moment, not easy to do I know as you don't want to come off like you can't hack it..but guess what...if they don't know the load is too much they can do nothing to offer you some relief.

I would like to know how you are going if you wanted to come back and share how you are feeling and how the search for resources is going for you.

Hope today was a reason to smile.

Hugs to you

Sarah xx

[Dannn]

Thank you both so much for your replies, I hope you know how much weight your support carries.

I have been so incredibly anxious for the past week, but perhaps that can be seen as a positive, I had an appointment with a wonderful GP on Thursday morning. It was pretty rough on me and facing the steps I have to go through to move forward is making me feel so much worse right now, but I also feel like I'm in a safer place, it sounds a bit backward. I think things need to get worse before they'll get better, I don't know how much more I can handle right now, but I've ticked an extra box on the safety plan and I feel like I'm more accountable for my actions with a GP involved and hopefully I'll get to the psychologist step soon. Soonest I could get with the place I was referred to was a month from now and the GP encouraged me to try and get in within a couple of weeks and to come back and see her in a week or two if I needed a different referral.
There's also the discussion of medication, the choice is up to me, but I just didn't know what to say, I can't help but wonder if I've just been depressed for so long that I don't realise what I need. My GP didn't want to push me one way or another, but I don't really feel like I'm the right person to make that decision.
Not really sure what to say, I feel so totally different right now, I think the next few weeks or months might be some of the toughest, this probably wasn't the right time of my life for this and I don't think I can stop what has been set in motion. Not saying that's bad, it's just tough.
At least it's a relief to feel worse and more safe at same time.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Dannn

I am so happy to hear that you have felt supported here, it is such a wonderful space of people who are struggling and also supporting others, how awesome.

You are very right in that sometimes things do seem worse before they get better, I think talking about it all initially and getting it all out does hurt and it is painful and having to refeel emotions that you thought you had a handle on, however you have done this now and the steps, one at a time, can begin for your journey to wellness.

I am so pleased the GP was great and that you do have steps in place for your plan to get some support, this is fantastic news. It is unfortunately a bit of a wait to see psychologists as they are really in demand at present but I am glad you are on the list and you have an appointment booked. This time too you could use to great a little book or do some writing as to what you want to share and even if you feel like it writing what you told the GP so as maybe you don't have to go through it all again when having to speak to the psychologist, just an idea,

Medication can be something too that you can take your time to consider, as you said maybe you have been feeling like this for so long that you have not noticed. Maybe too you could talk to your GP around your indecision to take the meds and they can give you some more information as to why they feel it necessary and also what the benefits could be. Help you to gain a better understanding to then make a choice for you.

I am mostly happy to hear that you are safe as this is the most important thing, and also knowing what to do and having numbers to call at hand if you are not feeling safe.

The next few weeks or months may be the toughest but we are here at anytime you would like to chat or need a friend or some extra support during your brave journey. Well done for choosing you and doing this for you, it is so brave and takes so much strength, even though right now it probably feels just the opposite.

Hope to chat some more to you Dannn

Hugs

Sarah

[Dannn]

Thank you Sarah,

I find a few posts has really helped me figure out what I needed to say when I had to have those discussions. The one thing that is still stuck with me was how hard it was to get the words out when my GP asked how I would do it, I had not prepared for that question at all, I knew the answer but I was absolutely frozen, I think she took it easy on me and kept follow up questions to a minimum after that one. I feel like saying it out loud made it less likely to happen, like it's out there now and I can't get it back.
I booked my follow up for tomorrow, I been anxious almost constantly trying to get through the next step, I'm still moving forward, but it's hard and slow. I've spent so long compartmentalising anything difficult, but never coming back to deal with any of it. Knowing I need to doesn't mean I want to, but I have others to consider too, this is about more than just me.
From what I've read likely side effects might be an issue for me with the most common medications, but there are so many out there that's something I need to discuss with my GP, I read the minimum to know what questions and concerns to raise before making a decision, I don't like to use Dr Google too much though.
Unfortunately I think for now I need to keep reminding myself of how bad I get sometimes, because if I wasn't trying to get help right now, I could probably pull myself together and carry on as I've always done, but if suicidal thoughts are going to make themselves seem like a viable solution then I really need to deal with things ASAP, I just miss feeling like I'm composed, I'm just going through the motions right now, but tomorrow is a new day.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Dannn

That is so great to hear that you have found chatting here has been helpful for you, we are here for you Dannn.

There are questions that are asked when someone mentions that they have suicidal thoughts or are feeling suicidal and the answers in which the person gives then let's the other person know what they need to do next. It helps them to identify if an ambulance is required or maybe another person just to be with them at this time. I have no doubt that it was confronting to hear her ask you that question, that you have let her know what your intentions are she can then help you to do what is required to keep you safe and to take care of you. I hope though that by sharing it did relieve you of the burden of carrying that thought around, that you did get some small amount of comfort from releasing it.

I hope your follow up appointment today goes well and I will be very happy to hear about how it goes if you would like to share that, I am so pleased that you are taking these steps and making the wellness journey for you, it takes so much strength Dannn, it really does. The fact that you mentioned moving forward it so wonderful, yes it might be slow and yes the steps may be small but one after the other they add up and before you know it you are 5 steps further than you were before.

You are right that there are others to consider in your life but I think it is important to remember that you need to do this for you, for you to be well, for you to have enjoyment in life and to feel happy, it may not ever be like it was before and that is totally fine, but to feel some sense of joy and to love you.

Ahh yes good old Dr Google, I think we are all victims of typing away and finding out we are riddled with some green goo that simply is not true or does not exist..thanks for the worry Dr Google....lol...I think we can really only trust when we have an appointment for us with a professional with whom we have discussed things relative to us, and that the professional knows us...sorry Dr Google..time to leave!

Sure Dannn you could probably pull yourself together and keep on keeping on and each time you do this the black hole will seem deeper and harder to pull yourself out of. You are doing so well and you have started your journey now and you can do this, you are doing this and you are so very strong for doing so.

Your attitude is so positive and yes, tomorrow is a new day and with that who knows what little bit of sunshine comes our way.

Hugs

Sarah x