Lost and tired of not being able to stop worrying

[geelt]

I feel so lost and clueless. I’m halfway though a degree I’m not sure I want to do anymore for a career I’m not sure I’m suited for. I’ve talked to a career counsellor, program advisor and the people in charge of the different majors but I still feel as clueless as I was before. I’m failing my classes not because I can’t complete them but because I can’t get myself to do anything. I’ve been seeing the mental health nurses since last year and a psychologist since the end of last year. It feels like nothing has really been helping, which is mostly my fault. I stopped doing progressive muscle relaxation exercises after being really frustrated and unable to calm down. I know that its not the point of doing the exercises, but I can’t clear my mind enough to go through with them anymore. I only started walking again recently after stopping 2-3 months ago. I can’t get myself to change when everything feels pointless and meaningless. The psychologist says I need to just focus on living in the moment, but I can’t get myself to stop worrying about the future and jobs and careers and university and everything. I can’t figure out what to do, looking at future career pathways only stresses me out more and I can’t see myself being happy or enjoying or tolerating anything. I don’t know what to do and theres not much I can do about it without trying things but I can’t spend my whole life failing university courses over and over like im doing now. I can’t do anything right. I need to sleep earlier but I can’t stop worrying. I spend too much time in my room but there’s nowhere for me to go besides walking in the afternoon. There’s too much I need to be doing but im not doing anything. I don’t remember what worked and if medication did anything. I don’t think I can be happy with life. Getting to do what you want feels like a luxury that you need to work for but I don’t really want what I used to want anymore. I don’t get myself to do anything because it feels like the end result will be the same. I’m tired of regretting things. I’ll regret everything no matter what I do.

[therising]

Hi geelt

Coming to know our self has many twists and turns. Some are basic and some are more complex. Personally, I've come to realise that when there's something in life I can no longer tolerate, the challenge is to find out why or what's wrong. Does the challenge hold the potential to help change my perception of myself.

What makes me so determined to find solutions is the fact that I do not want to return to depression, under any circumstances. The challenge becomes about how to stay out of a depression. Give you an example: About a year ago, I faced life with an incredible lack of energy for a period of time. All blood results came back 'normal'. With a B12 deficiency issue in the past, even my B12 levels were great. The lack of energy and my inability to function normally was leading me into a depression. I recognised the signs. Proclaiming to the powers that be 'I can't do this (lack of energy) anymore!', what suddenly came to mind was 'Research energy'. So, I began. I found it was a little like going down a rabbit hole. Quantum physics, metaphysics, Chi, Prana and a whole stack of other things were providing me with an amazing education and a greater understanding of why I was so lacking in energy. A lot of it made perfect sense.

In my opinion, a great book in the way of self education is 'Becoming Supernatural' by Dr Joe Dispenza. He takes mind/body/spirit and translates it into neuroscience/epigenetics/quantum physics. He has an amazing way of helping the reader easily understand the basics of such complex topics. He's a great author and I have all his books. Another one is 'You Are the Placebo'. If you have a bit of reading time on your hands, I highly recommend looking into his work.

We live in an amazing time, where epigenetics points to us having the power to change our own DNA. Knowing more about how we tick is on offer. When researchers and professionals were once the only ones who shared access to such knowledge, it is now there for the taking for the rest of us.

We tick the way we do for good reason. Knowing the reasons in regard to why things are working or why they are not gives us a greater understanding of our self. The key is to become curious.

🙂

[missep123]

Hi geelt!

I'm so glad to hear that Emily Fox's videos interested you! Please keep me updated if you find any new books that you liked 🙂

How have you been feeling recently? There are a lot of great tips and insights from the other users here on this thread. Is there anything that anyone has said that has resonated with you?

Here for you!

[geelt]

Hi missep,

I've been pretty anxious lately, just worrying about a lot of different things. University just started again this week and I haven't been on top of everything. I need to do some catch up for some online classes that I didn't attend. I was going to see the Case Manager but couldn't sleep the night before so I didn't end up going.

I'm currently trying to tidy up my bedroom so I have a clutter-free place where I can be productive, worrying if it'll actually help me concentrate. Spending way too much time trying to sort things and i'm barely making a dent with it all. I recently got a bursary from the University to help buy some things to organise my room and to help focus, I've been thinking about it all for months and I just want to get it all over and done with, too much pointless worrying that doesn't get anything done. I just feel uncertain if I actually need any of it or if I'm just being lazy and I should of just been happy with what I have. I hate clutter and mess after having my room look like a train wreck for so long, hoarding things I should throw away and just not making any effort to clean anything up. I hate having to spend ages looking for stuff. I want a desk with drawers so I can pack things away when I don't need it and know where they are instead of dumping everything into piles. I want shelves to store books or anything I want to have access to and to have everything I need visible or in a place where I know it is. I need new headphones because my old ones are falling apart and I hope they can help me focus or relax. What if they're uncomfortable not sure if I can go in and try them out with how things are at the moment, I can't return them if I change my mind. Whether or not I actually need any of this or if I'm just being spoilt or wasting someone else's money I don't know. I'm going to buy what I was planning on buying so I can just stop thinking about it. I know I shouldn't be worrying about things I don't know enough about.

It would be nice to have some order and tidiness in my life for once.

There has been a lot of helpful comments and I appreciate everyone for taking time to reply. What therising said about getting to know myself more and discovering who I am resonated with me.Also, when ecomama asked if I wanted to complete a degree made me really think about things. I need to go over what everybody said write down things so I can really remember and take it all in. Need to keep track of everything so I wont forget.

[therising]

Hi geelt

Sounds like you're making some progress. Do you feel like you're going through an 'Okay, now, I need to organise myself' stage? Of course, this can be both internal (mind) and external environment (surroundings). I find actively organising my external environment helps take me out of my head. It's a basic or natural process of organisation, as opposed to a deeply based mind or stressful process. Gives us a chance to quieten the mind for a while, in favour of being physically active.

You can actually say you need the furniture you want as part of your mental health care. This would be true. If you can organise your environment in a way where every corner of the room brings you an emotion you enjoy, then you're onto something. See if you can get your hands on a lava lamp (so calming and colourful). We're sensory based creature, that's for sure. So, you can look over to a bookcase that holds books you love and a few ornaments that lead you to smile and, through such visual input, you feel joy and peace. It's a calming feeling. You could say the bookcase is natural therapy for you. Throw in a plant or two, into the environment, and you can feel yourself loving that connection to nature. The list goes on when it comes to using our environment as a natural form of therapy. Setting yourself up in this way sounds exciting and it sounds like just what you need. Difference, within the kind of sameness that brings us down, can be a pretty powerful experience.

As you face the daunting process of decluttering (aka letting go of things), I wish only inspiration for you at this time. I find, the question 'Do I need this?' can apply not only to certain things I need to let go of in my environment, it can also apply to a lot of my internal beliefs (especially about myself).

Take care 🙂

[missep123]

Hi geelt,

Thank you for the update! I am really glad to hear that what people have been posting here has been resonating with you. I think that's a great idea to write down the things that you have taken away from this thread!

For me personally, I have always found that the environment can either 'make' me or 'break' me. A nice, warm environment can really help my productivity and just give me a feeling of calm. I used to have a lot of clutter in my room and sorting through it helped to reduce my stress. Before doing this though I would always stare at the pile and think 'oh goodness, I think that this is going to be a huge task and I don't want to do it'. I think it's awesome that you are thinking about doing things that may make you feel better.

It is also demonstrating that you are trying to break tasks into smaller 'doable' things to make change. It can also hopefully give you a sense of reward. To help me study I like to light a candle, play lo-fi and have a cup of tea. It really relaxes me and makes me look forward to that part of the routine. Otherwise I would find it overwhelming.

I think that you should be proud of yourself in the fact that you are making some goals (cleaning and tidying your room). Please continue to keep us updated!

[geelt]

Hi therising,

I've been in the 'organising' phase for awhile now but only just had the opportunity to make big changes. Probably wasn't the best time to be doing big changes when my courses just started but I just wanted to get organised and make changes. I'll keep a lookout for a lava lamp the next time I go shopping, I think it'll be helpful to keep me grounded from all my thoughts. Can never have too many things to keep myself in the moment. I want to buy more books for me to enjoy but I tend to be too stingy when it comes to buying things for myself. Thinking of adding a small succulent or two on my desk as well, just need to find the time. Don't want to listen to any snide remarks from my family, it just makes me feel bad and if it was actually worth it.

I've still got a long way to go with decluttering, had to postpone it because of online classes. Its hard for me to let go of things, I get really sentimental which makes it hard for me to part with my possessions. There's a lot of things in my head I need to let go of.

Thanks

[geelt]

Hi missep,

I still haven't gotten around to writing things down, my head has been all over the place.

I found that since I tidied up and organised my room I've been more motivated to do my work. It's only been a couple days so who knows what will happen. Still haven't had the time to find a place for everything, setting everything up ate away at more time than I thought. Its going to take some time for me to get used to everything, it feels like I'm in an entirely new place.

I'm quite behind on my studies even though its only been a week and a half, I need to do a better job with my time management. To break everything into smaller chunks of work I've been trying the pomodoro technique. I find breaking down what I need to do into 25 minute segments to help me get through things, but at most I can only go for about 2 hours before I get burnt out even with breaks. Maybe it has to do with me being uncertain with my degree. I've been missing some classes because I can't get myself to do them and the classes I do attend I'm barely doing anything.

I don't really feel that hopeful about anything. My degree just feels like a waste of time and money. I don't want to go into debt and have to pay off loans for something that won't get me anywhere but I still don't have any idea what to do. I should try volunteering like what someone said before but I don't have time at the moment. I can't stop now because I already used the bursary. I can see myself failing everything again. Just thinking too far ahead again, can't even do half my course when I don't have the time to actually learn any of the hard skills. I don't want to think about anything. I don't want to be lost but there isn't any actual anything that goes anywhere. Too much worry and when I stop worrying it leads to more worrying and when the worry isnt a worry more worries and worry and woorry.

[therising]

Hi geelt

I believe the journey to find out most natural self is a very gradual one. Bit by bit we raise our self.

I know this is going to sound a little odd but I feel I've discovered one of my most liberating 'super powers'. Believe it or not, it's intolerance. Yes, as I say, odd. In the past I'd tried tolerating snide or degrading comments from people and if I couldn't tolerate such comments, they'd simply lead me to feel down, with me often asking 'What's wrong with me?' Never had great self-esteem. Then one day something came to mind, 'Do not tolerate anyone or anything that will bring you down'. Give me a challenge and if I can't tolerate it, I'll do my best in managing to raise myself through and out of it asap. When I say 'asap' some intolerable challenges can take me weeks or even months to get out through. Some challenges are intense and life changing. Though, with the small challenges, such as with managing snide comments from people, I'll give you some of my standard replies

• Are you aiming to raise me or bring me down with that comment?
• I can't believe you just said that out loud. Where is your filter?
• What are your reasons for saying what you're saying?
• I find your comments to be highly questionable, so let's begin...first question, 'Why would you say such a thing?'

Letting go of self doubt begins with questioning. We can question our self (am I raising myself) and we can question others (is this person bringing me down). Again, with intolerance as a kinda 'super power', I can't tolerate not questioning that which should be questioned. I've come to question so often these days that it feels like a natural part of who I am. I can honestly say that the person I was before and during depression was not the natural me. We truly do raise our self, ever so gradually. By the way, that question I used to ask myself 'What's wrong with me?', I discovered the answer to be 'I was suppressing my natural self, that self who refuses take poop from anyone'. Don't get me wrong, I do have an admirable level of self control.

If anyone says to you 'Why are you wasting money on all this stuff?', don't tolerate being brought down. A simple response may be 'This is what raising yourself looks like. If you don't recognise that, I think you have a problem'. Get sassy, I say.

🙂

[missep123]

Hi geelt,

I'm so glad to hear that you've felt like the environment is really growing to be a new space. I think any progress is good progress and I'm really glad you have been keeping us updated.

I also really love to see that you have been taking initiative with your studying with the pomodoro technique. I'm sorry to her that this has been burning you out though. It sounds as though the flame of passion you hold for your degree has been extinguished for the moment. How might you find that passion again? I'm not sure if you are currently part-time, but would studying part-time be an option? What about speaking to a vocational counsellor?

Here for you!

[geelt]

Guess i am going to fail all my courses again for the second time. I tried to catch up but everything kept on piling up and I won't get anything done before the due dates again.

I guess I did not try hard enough with anything. Didn't try enough to do work when i got it. DIdn't try hard enough to be motivated. Didnt try hard enough to catch up. Didn't try hard enough with getting help.

I will not be improving my situation.

I cannot talk to my parents about anything. Can't see a new psychiatrist because I can't think of a way to get there physically.

Even if i see a psychiatrist it will take time and i will just keep failing university over and over again. Then if i have to take a break from university everyone wont shut up about it. I dont want to deal with people for the rest of my life. Even if I graduate I won't find a job and even if i find a job i wont be happy

Don't want to keep spending practically all day in my room because theres nowhere else for me to go.

I don't want anything out of life i just want to stop thinking but i cant because i am not doing the bare minimunmninum to see any results only looping the same things over and over and over and over. would rather just die