Lost and tired of not being able to stop worrying

geelt · ‎18-06-2020

I feel so lost and clueless. I’m halfway though a degree I’m not sure I want to do anymore for a career I’m not sure I’m suited for. I’ve talked to a career counsellor, program advisor and the people in charge of the different majors but I still feel as clueless as I was before. I’m failing my classes not because I can’t complete them but because I can’t get myself to do anything. I’ve been seeing the mental health nurses since last year and a psychologist since the end of last year. It feels like nothing has really been helping, which is mostly my fault. I stopped doing progressive muscle relaxation exercises after being really frustrated and unable to calm down. I know that its not the point of doing the exercises, but I can’t clear my mind enough to go through with them anymore. I only started walking again recently after stopping 2-3 months ago. I can’t get myself to change when everything feels pointless and meaningless. The psychologist says I need to just focus on living in the moment, but I can’t get myself to stop worrying about the future and jobs and careers and university and everything. I can’t figure out what to do, looking at future career pathways only stresses me out more and I can’t see myself being happy or enjoying or tolerating anything. I don’t know what to do and theres not much I can do about it without trying things but I can’t spend my whole life failing university courses over and over like im doing now. I can’t do anything right. I need to sleep earlier but I can’t stop worrying. I spend too much time in my room but there’s nowhere for me to go besides walking in the afternoon. There’s too much I need to be doing but im not doing anything. I don’t remember what worked and if medication did anything. I don’t think I can be happy with life. Getting to do what you want feels like a luxury that you need to work for but I don’t really want what I used to want anymore. I don’t get myself to do anything because it feels like the end result will be the same. I’m tired of regretting things. I’ll regret everything no matter what I do.

Sophie_M · ‎18-06-2020

Dear Geelt,

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We can see how lost you might be feeling at the moment and hope you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you.

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it.

romantic_thi3f · ‎18-06-2020

Hi geelt,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for being here and reaching out.

I feel myself just getting antsy reading your post so I'm imagining you're in this constant state of anxiety not knowing what to do. I'm sorry things are so hard right now and I hope you're able to find some comfort within the forums.

I'm glad that you reached out and shared what's going on for you - not just here of course but also to your career counsellor, mental health nurse and psychologist. I'm pretty familiar with all of those exercises they are trying to get you to practice - mindfulness - but it's so hard because it's like trying to get your brain to settle while it's on speed.

What does your psychologist/career counsellor suggest in terms of your study - does she think you should keep going?

I wonder if it might be an option to take a break from your course? The pressure you are putting on yourself is enormous so being able to have that distance can allow yourself to breathe and really brainstorm. I know that I've always felt pressure on myself to make sure that I do and enrol in the right thing and that can feel really heavy. Especially since there isn't really a right answer - you may find that most of the students in your course decide it's not for them too. As much as our worry seems like it fills a purpose, the majority of us never really have it figured out.

rt

missep123 · ‎18-06-2020

Hi geelt and welcome to the forums!

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. I know many people who have gone through this as well. It can be very overwhelming to try to figure out our career path and what we like.

From my own experience, volunteering has really helped me to figure out what I want to do without the pressure or locked in contract. Would this be an option for you?

romantic_thi3f also mentioned the possibility of a break. How do you feel about this?

One thing that I like to remind myself when I am starting to become anxious is to breathe. Deep breathing is so underrated but can be really helpful.

Here for you!

geelt · ‎24-06-2020

Thanks for responding rt. The psychologist told me to I look at different study options such as TAFE or other courses that are more practical and hands on compared to my current course. I was looking and writing down what I though about different certificates or degrees on the TAFE website but I nothing really stands out to me. If anything it has been adding to my list of worries. I did alright with most of the classes, things only got bad when there was a lot of collaboration and talking going on. It was hard for me to think during those classes and when it came to my turn to participate in discussions I had nothing to say and could barely remember what was going on and I felt so useless.

I've thought about taking a break from my course but it feels like it's only delaying the inevitable. I've essentially been doing nothing related to University work since March and it hasn't been pleasant, I don't think I can think about what to do if I actually took a long break from Uni. The pressure of Uni will be replaced with worry about some other thing. I don't want to stay at home and uni has been my only excuse to go out and do something. I don't want to talk about it to my parents either. My sister is also going to be graduating soon and I don't want to be seen as a failure or useless by my family. It doesn't matter when I graduate but its irritating whenever my parents compare me to someone else and I don't want to give them even more reasons to do so. There's so many things I've already failed and gotten everyone disappointing and frustrated. I should not be caring about what other people say but I don't like making my parents feel ashamed of me anymore.

I don't have any goals or things I want to achieve anymore. Theres too many things I don't want to do and that it limits what I can do. I know pressure, worry and stress are a part of life and they are unavoidable no matter what I do.

geelt · ‎24-06-2020

Hi and thanks for replying missep. I was told by a career counsellor to try volunteer work relating to my degree but I don't remember finding anything. I remember a teacher saying that I should try volunteering at a community during school but I never got around to doing it and its probably too late. There's also some personal reasons why I didn't go volunteer there but that's irrelevant now. I should look at any local volunteer work. I need to force myself to interact with people and volunteer work would probably be a good starting point. I don't want to have to tell my parents about if I do volunteer work but I probably will have to unless I get my 'P' plate so I can drive myself. I'll probably get in the way and inconvenience whoever I try volunteering for I always find a way to mess up simple tasks. University is starting again in about 2 weeks so I won't have time to volunteer unless i take a break from university but i have no idea if that will be possible. If i take a break im going to need to repeat 2 more years or if i do the this trimester i only need to repeat 1 more year either way im going to take longer than i should to complete my degree. thats if i keep doing it. I still need to talk to the person in charge of my degree to discuss enrolment and other things.

Whenever I try taking deep breaths it feels like it makes me more anxious. I'm think im not doing it the right way.

missep123 · ‎25-06-2020

Hi geelt,

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I'm really glad that you have been seeing your psychologist and career counsellor. I'm also really glad that you have been reaching out on this platform as well and I hope that it's been giving you some comfort!

I can totally understand where you're coming from in terms of volunteering. Let's try to figure out together the things that you enjoy doing! What kinds of things gives you happiness or joy?

I'm here for you!

geelt · ‎30-06-2020

Hi,

Nothing has really been enjoyable lately, I have no idea what brings me joy or happiness anymore. I used to like drawing but I haven't enjoyed it since university. I should not have studied design and had to try figuring out how to make money from being creative even though most the classes had very little to do with being creative or design in general. I used to like reading but I never touch most of the books I borrow nowadays.

missep123 · ‎01-07-2020

Hi geelt,

I'm sorry to hear that nothing has been enjoyable lately. Have you mentioned this to your psychologist?

Please correct me if I'm wrong but it sounds like drawing used to be your hobby but since your degree focused on trying to make it a career and how to make money from it rather than being creative, it took the enjoyment out of it. Is that right?

I like reading too but even for me if I have a stack of books to read then they don't get touched. One thing I do to generate excitement and interest in reading again is to watch book youtubers! My favourite one is 'Books with Emily Fox'. The way she describes plot lines and recommendations makes me look forward to getting back into reading.

Thank you for keeping us updated! We're here for you!

geelt · ‎04-07-2020

I have not said anything to the psychologist. Half the time i'm just sitting there feeling like an idiot for not knowing how to respond and not saying anything because my head is empty. Seeing them feels like a waste of time and its my fault, I don't know what I want to get out of my appointments anymore. I wrote something ages ago but I don't remember anything. I'm not putting any effort into getting better and I won't get better or improve anything.

My degree didn't have much drawing. I thought it was going to involve more being creative and learning design theory and software or something like that but it turns out we pretty much had to do all of that in our own time. It never felt like I learnt anything to do with design in my classes or I just forgot everything right after. I don't know. I guess design has barely anything to do with being creative in the way I want to. Drawing feels pointless when I won't have the time to do it. I don't want to be constantly learning a bunch of random things that I will need to keep on doing just to hope that maybe something will be relevant to what I end up doing in the future and most of those things will have to be done outside of University. If I want the best chance to get a job I need to learn coding, 3D rendering and modeling, CAD, dozens of different softwares that I probably wont end up using, video editing, photography, animation, graphic design, design for print and other things I don't really want to do but I need to be flexible if I wan't to get a job that I probably won't end up enjoying. Too many things then I'll be too drained to do things I want to do but I'm not sure if I want to do them anymore.

Most the books I end up borrowing are about drawing. I haven't had the chance to watch any of the videos on her channel but it looks interesting. One of my main worries is that I get too excited or have unrealistic expectations but then I end up getting myself disappointing or it not turning out how as good as I thought it would be or something, which is my fault for getting too eager that it affects my expectations. It feels like its like that for a lot of things. I don't want to get inspired to write my own things either. I don't want to think about some random bad idea and just focus on studying or something but I still can't focus because I still don't knmow if I want to do it but this is just thoughts that wont end up helping

thank you for replying