Lost and tired of not being able to stop worrying

geelt · ‎18-06-2020

I feel so lost and clueless. I’m halfway though a degree I’m not sure I want to do anymore for a career I’m not sure I’m suited for. I’ve talked to a career counsellor, program advisor and the people in charge of the different majors but I still feel as clueless as I was before. I’m failing my classes not because I can’t complete them but because I can’t get myself to do anything. I’ve been seeing the mental health nurses since last year and a psychologist since the end of last year. It feels like nothing has really been helping, which is mostly my fault. I stopped doing progressive muscle relaxation exercises after being really frustrated and unable to calm down. I know that its not the point of doing the exercises, but I can’t clear my mind enough to go through with them anymore. I only started walking again recently after stopping 2-3 months ago. I can’t get myself to change when everything feels pointless and meaningless. The psychologist says I need to just focus on living in the moment, but I can’t get myself to stop worrying about the future and jobs and careers and university and everything. I can’t figure out what to do, looking at future career pathways only stresses me out more and I can’t see myself being happy or enjoying or tolerating anything. I don’t know what to do and theres not much I can do about it without trying things but I can’t spend my whole life failing university courses over and over like im doing now. I can’t do anything right. I need to sleep earlier but I can’t stop worrying. I spend too much time in my room but there’s nowhere for me to go besides walking in the afternoon. There’s too much I need to be doing but im not doing anything. I don’t remember what worked and if medication did anything. I don’t think I can be happy with life. Getting to do what you want feels like a luxury that you need to work for but I don’t really want what I used to want anymore. I don’t get myself to do anything because it feels like the end result will be the same. I’m tired of regretting things. I’ll regret everything no matter what I do.

Sophie_M · ‎19-08-2020

Dear Geelt,

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you.

Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we're worried about you.
We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it.

therising · ‎19-08-2020

Hi geelt

It's a horrible place to be, where you are now. The stuff that goes around in our head in such a place can be incredibly painful and torturous, especially when we're left feeling like there's no escape. My heart truly goes out to you.

When sameness becomes painful, difference is what we long for. How to find the difference, the kind that really matters, is a hard task. It can be an incredibly slow and painstaking process. Definitely easy when we've got someone beside us showing us all the differences we need to make in order to feel like we're coming to life in fulfilling ways. Meaningful or significant difference can be hard to find. It becomes a trial and error process for each of us, as individuals. As I said to my 15yo son, during him struggling with online learning, 'You'll know what doesn't make the difference. It will be obvious. It won't work.' I know that sounds pretty simple but it's undeniably true. Also told him, 'You'll know when you've found the difference that begins to change everything'. geelt, what makes the difference for my son does not resemble what would naturally work for others. For example, he takes a break between classes and runs around the back yard like a maniac. He's realised he has to block certain online games as well as youtube, on his laptop. He's not only asked his father for help with math, he's also reconditioning himself to not tolerate his father's intolerance. If my son doesn't understand the concept he's being taught, he'll insist my husband is not teaching it in a relateable way. This is quite significant, as my son has always been someone who's copped grief from folk without speaking up. The list goes on when it comes to him graduating to significant difference. My son's always been such a hyper free spirit with daydreaming tendencies, so focus and long term commitment are very challenging for him.

Wondering if you're easily bored, a bit of a natural daydreamer, someone highly creative under ideal circumstances and maybe even a bit of a black sheep in your family (seriously misunderstood). Such people are easily misguided by those who expect them to commit easily to mainstream leaning and society. It's tough. Such people are actually very gifted in a lot of natural ways, often without even realising. Even daydreaming is a gift. Believe it or not, the greatest minds in history were great daydreamers, such as Einstein. This is how outside the square concepts are naturally received from out of the blue.

🙂

OrganizedNotReally · ‎20-08-2020

Hey there

Sorry to hear you’ve been struggling lately.
I haven’t been doing too well either

it really doesn’t matter if uni doesn’t go well - who says you HAVE to do uni anyway. Plenty of successful people didn’t go to uni or failed and still made contributions in life And were happy.

Now is a particularly crappy time for everyone (with covid and lockdowns etc). So the pressure piles on.

give yourself the space to be you, and see how that goes.

Number 1 is for you to be safe and well.

everything else (work, study, etc) will sort itself out if you are in a good mental place

look after yourself

pS I am struggling at the moment with some similar issues to do with work and career choice etc.

so this kind stuff doesn’t finish at uni (unfortunately) 😀

geelt · ‎01-10-2020

I've given up on trying to pass my classes for the second time. I was going to try getting at least 2 of them done but now its just 1 class. Its too late for me to try passing or catching up what I missed. I'm simply not learning from my mistakes, only just continuing to dig myself deeper and deeper.

I've just gotten more apathetic about everything. There isn't anything for me to look forward to or makes anything worth doing. I do not want to live life on autopilot but its the only way I can see myself living if I can't kill myself. I already know that life isn't worth stressing over everything and taking seriously. Its too short to waste on these things, but its also long enough to face the consequences of my mistakes. I'm going to have back problems from sitting down all day just from working all day in front of a screen just to make money so I don't die because its the only option i have. I don't have any ideas to start a business on my own and it won't magically come to me one day. I need to be putting all the effort into things when none of the outcomes are what I really want to do but have no choice.

I tried walking/running for a couple weeks to keep my mind off things but that only made me waste all day waiting to go walk/run. I'm starting to realise how trash my body is after years of inactivity. I'm not even running properly, keeping track of how long I run to see any improvement or anything. I don't really enjoy running but staying somewhat healthy will stop me from pain in the future.

Realised that the only way for me to change is by hitting rock bottom. Only when I HAVE to work, HAVE to make money, HAVE to do things to improve my situation or end up dead. Even though I know that there are things I can be doing to improve my situation, I won't do anything.

Started harming myself as a bad habit when things get difficult im so stupid. I know that I can't kill myself so I'm stuck in life. My self harm is visible, now need to stop before parents bring it up they probably noticed already.

I think I would rather end up starving dead in the streets homeless, when there isn't any other options for me and I can accept everything being my own fault and there would be nothing i can do.

I don't know what I need anymore. I haven't even tried as much as I could have and now complaining again i dont have any right to complain.

Sophie_M · ‎01-10-2020

Hi geelt,

Thanks for reaching out here. We're so sorry to hear that you're struggling so much at the moment and that you've started to self harm and have thoughts of suicide. We can hear that you're questioning the future at the moment and feeling like there isn't a lot of hope for you. Please know that things can always improve with some time, and the right treatment and support. There are a lot of different ways to sculpt your life and lifestyle. We are concerned for your wellbeing and are trying to get in touch with you privately to offer you some extra support.

Firstly, if at any time you are unable to keep yourself safe, this is an emergency and you should contact 000 (triple zero).

We would strongly recommend that you get in touch with Kids Helpline - https://kidshelpline.com.au/ It might help to talk it out whenever you're feeling overwhelmed. Kids Helpline counsellors can be contacted 24/7 by young people 25 and under via telephone and also via webchat if you go through the website provided.

Headspace is another organisation we would recommend, they are specifically for young people aged 12-25 and they offer a wide range of services including counselling and group programs. They also have a group chat on their webpage - https://headspace.org.au/

Many of our members will understand and may be able to help. If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best help support you.