Lost and tired of not being able to stop worrying

geelt · ‎18-06-2020

I feel so lost and clueless. I’m halfway though a degree I’m not sure I want to do anymore for a career I’m not sure I’m suited for. I’ve talked to a career counsellor, program advisor and the people in charge of the different majors but I still feel as clueless as I was before. I’m failing my classes not because I can’t complete them but because I can’t get myself to do anything. I’ve been seeing the mental health nurses since last year and a psychologist since the end of last year. It feels like nothing has really been helping, which is mostly my fault. I stopped doing progressive muscle relaxation exercises after being really frustrated and unable to calm down. I know that its not the point of doing the exercises, but I can’t clear my mind enough to go through with them anymore. I only started walking again recently after stopping 2-3 months ago. I can’t get myself to change when everything feels pointless and meaningless. The psychologist says I need to just focus on living in the moment, but I can’t get myself to stop worrying about the future and jobs and careers and university and everything. I can’t figure out what to do, looking at future career pathways only stresses me out more and I can’t see myself being happy or enjoying or tolerating anything. I don’t know what to do and theres not much I can do about it without trying things but I can’t spend my whole life failing university courses over and over like im doing now. I can’t do anything right. I need to sleep earlier but I can’t stop worrying. I spend too much time in my room but there’s nowhere for me to go besides walking in the afternoon. There’s too much I need to be doing but im not doing anything. I don’t remember what worked and if medication did anything. I don’t think I can be happy with life. Getting to do what you want feels like a luxury that you need to work for but I don’t really want what I used to want anymore. I don’t get myself to do anything because it feels like the end result will be the same. I’m tired of regretting things. I’ll regret everything no matter what I do.

therising · ‎04-07-2020

Hi geelt

The challenges you face sound incredibly overwhelming. As I said to my daughter just yesterday 'Don't you wish someone would just show up at the door, invite you into a life you'd love, that would excite you and bring you to life, and they'd guide you through it every step of the way?' Of course, she said 'Yes'. Most of us would love such a person in our life. Such a person would tell us to stop doing what doesn't bring us joy and satisfaction. Without a doubt, we'd feel relieved.

Can definitely be tough to give our self permission to stop doing what doesn't bring us joy or satisfaction. You touched on one aspect that can make it so difficult - disappointing others. When I say that I don't mind disappointing others, this has taken me years to master. Giving my own meaning to the word 'disappointment' is what helped make the difference: Someone appoints me to play or fill a particular role or I appoint myself to such a role. If such a role leads me to experience ongoing sufferance, I will disappoint myself from that role. If I remain in it, I also remain in the role of 'She who continues suffering' and that's definitely no way to live. Sometimes the option may be to stay in that role and master its challenges to the point where I'm no longer suffering. Depends on the situation. I feel how people react to the disappointment is part of the the process sometimes. That's their challenge to overcome.

For me, disappointment is a regular experience that is a constructive part of my evolution. It's about letting go, so as to move on. I do find myself in a sort of limbo at times, wondering who I'm going to be. In other words, while I may discover what I don't want to do any longer, at the same time I'm not sure what I do want to do. I tend to meditate on wondering, looking for inspiration. Life can definitely feel unsatisfying at times, until we become inspired. Amazing how many people will remain fixated on the disappointment we challenge them with, as opposed to turning to inspiring us. What's the deal with that?

Imagine if your full time job involved gradually discovering who you are and are not. In between and throughout this job you also worked a bit (to bring in some cash to play with) and you went to uni or not (if you wish). How would you handle this full time job? Would it interest you in working hard to know yourself better in so many ways? Such a job is an interesting one, indeed, and sometimes pretty exciting (with a lot of 'Aha!' moments).

🙂

ecomama · ‎04-07-2020

Dear geelt

You sound like I've felt in the past. I had anxiety AND depression (and PTSD but that's an added story lol).

I hear you.

Please know that many people feel like you do and you are not alone. We are all here for you.
KNOW YOU CAN GET BETTER. I'm doing very well now. (I also completed degrees so I get you).

The MAIN THING right now is for you to get through this period of time. It will pass. You can command your thoughts - they are YOURS after all. We'll get there, you've got this.

I hope you know that it's during University Courses when many people have the onset of Mental Unwellness.

I'm going to ask you one question. You can close your eyes and feel what your answer might be for today, if you want to....there's no rush at all.

Do you really feel that you WANT to complete a Degree?
It feels like you do.... IDK.
I'm not asking what you want to do for a job or a career or anything like that in the future.... just that question and just how you feel today.
I have a strategy for you to consider, depending on your answer.

There are endless possibilities for your future. But I want you to focus on TODAY and replacing all your ruminating thoughts about the future with ONLY thoughts for today.

Really break it down. I'll go first... and notice my words are in the positive...
* I'm going to eat a healthy breakfast of cereal and chai tea
* I'll take the dog for a walk, he loves that!
* I'll see what's on BB forums
* I'll phone a friend
* If I feel overwhelmed I will call a helpline
* I'm doing some work in the garden today
* I'll watch some comedy on TV tonight
* I'll have a long hot bath
* I'll read before bed or if I'm not in the mood, I'll listen to a meditation CD.

It can just read: good food, walk, talk, breathe, bath, bed.

Depression can make us think that we can't do anything and anxiety can make us think we have no control over anything. They are both liars lol!

With depression we need UPLIFTING things to bring us joy and with anxiety we need grounding things to bring us back to earth (I've been way out in the stratosphere lol) and back to the moment. They interchange etc.

Overcoming depression was what I did first. I didn't even know I had major anxiety. Then I found out and was able to cleanse both from my system 99% of the time.

There are some strategies than can help heal both; self-care practices, watching comedies and mindfulness training are included.

Any questions?

EM

Frosty_34 · ‎04-07-2020

Geelt,

Wonderfully described on your situation, thoughts and actions.

Maybe escaping that industry your in and reaching out to something else will help you get your passion back.

I feel your struggle, i face the same stuff, different industry but I have no enthusiasm and confidence anymore.

Not even sure what to say anymore

geelt · ‎11-07-2020

Hi,

It would be incredible if something like that would happen. Kind of frustrating that its unrealistic.

I never thought of it that way, what kind of role I've been given by those around me. Its really hard to know situations I should keep on suffering with or to let go. I guess it's my role to better accept and find peace with my failures, which is hard when I'm too caught up with regret.

I keep appointing myself with roles or thinking about the possibilities then not doing enough planning or thinking, focusing too much on the final result instead of the steps to get there. Then I end up disappointing myself about that. I find it really hard to let things go. I guess I'm still stuck in that limbo stage. Sometimes I don't want to get inspired by things because inspiration doesn't do anything unless I act on it and invest work and time into it, which I never let myself do. I won't ever be satisfied with life if I keep this up, giving myself unrealistic goals and fantasising about how great things will be when I get there. Pretty much setting myself up for failure thinking like this, thinking too far ahead. Even then the grass is greener on the other side. It wont be 100% that things will go my way. Probably why people focus on the disappointments, they just want the results ASAP. I'm one of those people aaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

I honestly would struggle with discovering who I am. I can't really wrap my head around that, it feels like a daunting job. It would be interesting and scary as well. It would be a waste to go through life without knowing the full extent of who I am. There would be doubts whether or not what I find out is how I actually feel as well. I've never worked hard in my life because i'm garbage. Change is scary. I don't know if I like finding or figuring things out. Will I even be able to juggle things or will i forget to discover myself with everything else I have to do. Can i even do it. I'll probably save all money then be sad that i didnt spend it but then be sad that i did spend it. i never workeddd for my own money really which is pathetic and I keep letting my parents and study from stopping me from trying to get a job. I don;t see myself handling finding out who i am and uni and work and everything ellse witout getting burnt oujt or something I don't know. I just have to attempt it maybe. how do i find out who I am or not. Part of the journey ffor me to figure it out isnt it.

I appreciate the reply, I hope I interpreted things right.

geelt · ‎11-07-2020

Hi,

Thanks for the kind words.

I can say that i'll get better, me going ahead and working on getting better is a different thing altogether.

Controlling my thoughts is something I struggle with. I keep trying to remind myself I'm in charge but it just feels like I'm yelling at a fire and telling it to go out or something. I need to do things that actually help me control my thoughts. I keep jumping from distractions to keep my mind off it but this just leads to more problems. I know it isn't the right way to go about it.

I really wish I had more time to think about University before I actually went through with it, but even then I don't think it would have made much of a difference. I guess I needed to have firsthand experience and struggle for everything to sink in and realise these things.

I honestly don't want to complete a degree in the way I currently am doing it. I don't want to get a degree by winging everything and doing things just for the sake of doing it. I want to complete a degree where I learn important skills that can be transferred to different areas and create connections that will be beneficial. I already regret not learning effective study skills or any other skills from school and I don't want Uni to be a repeat of this. I'm not getting any of this the way I'm currently doing things. I'm just going to end up with a worthless piece of paper at this rate. I don't have any other alternatives that I want to do so I'm stuck doing this degree. The psychologist said it was better than having no degree and doing nothing.

Its too late/early in the day for me to write my thoughts for today so I wrote down an average day for me.

I'll wake up and either eat or not
I'll check things online (emails
I'll surf the web for pointless things
I'll watch youtube videos about things I want to do/interested in
I'll think about doing those things/ plan
I'll make a mess in my room
I'll find an excuse not to go for a walk
I'll tidy up my room
Browse and read things online as an unhealthy way to waste time
I'll shower
I'll have trouble going to bed because of a poor sleep schedule then do nothing about it

Theres alot of things I should be doing but I don't do them. I distract myself with pointless things because it easier than trying to improve which is a pathetic thing to do and I know it is. I don't do enough things that make me happy or clear my mind.

I can't think of any questions at the moment. Thanks for the reply.

geelt · ‎11-07-2020

Hi,

I don't have any other options so I can't escape for now.

I don't have the emotional or mental maturity to really give an appropriate reply, sorry.

There are times when we can't say anything and just have to see where things go.

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

therising · ‎11-07-2020

Hi geelt

When it comes to understanding our self, I believe it's not necessarily a matter of figuring out who we're going to be in the future on some grand scale. I believe figuring out who we are is really about all the tiny revelations we have along the way. I know this sounds a little romantic but it's been my experience. I left depression behind me almost 15 years ago and it's been quite a trip since. While I've researched a lot of interesting aspects of human nature along the way, including paying attention to my own nature, only in the last 10 months does it feel like everything suddenly 'downloaded' and made sense. So, getting to know our self is an incredibly gradual process and ongoing.

The process often begins with questioning. This is significant. It simply means we question the life we're experiencing. Why does it feel so uncomfortable? What am I doing wrong to be feeling like this? What influences are contributing to me feeling like this (physical chemistry and environment for example)? Why am I so lacking in energy? Why am I experiencing such a lack of motivation? It can seem like an endless list of questions yet all questions are valid, as they indicate what we don't wish to settle for. We can feel so unsettled to the point where it feels intolerable and we could just about scream. Sometimes, the least we do is cry. Somehow, we vent our intolerance.

I can tell you're a naturally reasonable person. You need good reasons to make the changes you deeply wish to make, reasons that would push you to motivation. You need good reasons to invest in coming to know yourself better. Would you say one of the challenges you face involves the challenge in finding good reason/s? Someone could say 'You should go for a walk, it's good for you' but you may be left thinking 'Going for a thoroughly boring walk is not good enough reason to get out of the house'. I wouldn't blame you. Give me an exciting walk, something that would lead me to feel pumped/happy. Would you say you're a reasonable person in unreasonable circumstances? If so, you can add this knowledge to the understanding of your nature: You are someone who seeks reason. You can gradually begin to naturally question and identify all unreasonable circumstances. It becomes one of your new abilities that guides you through life and the choices you make within it.

In the process of seeking reason/s for your own behaviour and the behaviour of others, you also enter the process of finding meaning.

🙂

Frosty_34 · ‎12-07-2020

No need for apologies here mate , im feeling your pain and i understand what your going through..i live it daily too

geelt · ‎13-07-2020

Hi therising,

Its difficult to stick through or get myself to go through situations that will let me understand more about myself. I just keep sticking to what I already know/ done with little variation. Not experiencing anything different makes everything feel clumped together and indistinguishable. I've seen some things about 'No Zero Days' or doing 1 new thing everyday so it does not feel like a waste, I am just not being proactive about it. I haven't been putting enough effort in figuring out who I am for most my life so far, It would be nice to eventually put in the effort and go for a less passive approach towards motivation or pushing myself to do things. I don't know if I can handle the gradual and slow process.

I question myself too much without trying to find any answers. I guess I just don't want to realise or think about the fact that the answer and the solutions are things that are easy but I just cannot get myself to solve them or that they weren't even problems in the first place and I'm just making problems for myself for no practical reason. I need to find a healthy outlet to vent.

Finding a good reason IS something that's hard for me. Maybe its more that I want things to be predicable or stable and structured, I'm not too sure. I can't justify or come to terms with the risks or uncertainty of some things and look for valid reasons to do things, but some of the things I wan't are impossible without taking risks. I think I find EVERYTHING to be unreasonable to some extent. I would say that I'm not exactly reasonable but more of a wishful thinker. If I want an exciting walk I would imagine how it would be exciting and anything that doesn't match what I thought would be a letdown no matter how pleasant it would be. I'm not sure if that is how I think or something I just typed because it sounded good. Reason is nice in this unreasonable world we live in.

Thanks for the reply

geelt · ‎13-07-2020

Hi missep,

I watched some of Emily Fox's videos and they made me want to read some new books, there were some interesting topics and plot points. I should see if I can buy or borrow some from a library later.