Just give me a break!

[Kitty88]

I cant catch a break, it's literally one thing after another and noone understands! Today again I got bad news regarding my health.. I honestly can not win! This life I have is hard, and it's sad, I shouldn't have to suffer. All I ever wanted was to be a mum and now it's like I can't be the mum I wanted and it hurts me.. I know my child can do way better! I love him endlessly 

[therising]

Hi Kitty

My heart goes out to you as you face overwhelming pain. I'm so sorry you had to feel such incredible despair on your own last week, that led you to that moment. There is no lonelier a feeling, from my experience. It's the moment where you feel what complete and utter despair and desperation really feels like. It is torture in its purest form.

Bandaid solutions in depression are something that can really be felt. You can be so deeply wounded in so many ways while recognising 'Here comes another bandaid. For god's sake, I wish someone could just fix things and stop simply patching me up'. Wondering whether the hospital stay feels like a bandaid to you. Do you have a solid list of things you want people to start addressing in more significant ways if you decide to go in?

I imagine you have a lot of triggers. While it can serve to be sensitive, being so sensitive can be incredibly triggering and taxing. When I say 'sensitive' what I mean is you can sense just about every single little thing. For example, in a single specialist appointment that can go for only 15 minutes, we could sense 10 different factors or triggers, perhaps without fully realising

1. How long you've been kept waiting and wondering why the specialist is wasting your time when they could be managing theirs better. You can feel what it does to your nervous system
2. Feeling the specialist's clinical nature, as opposed to feeling their connection or serious interest
3. Feeling them quickly skimming over notes about you, compared to reading in between the lines, which may offer more clues
4. Perhaps feeling their lack of time for you
5. Maybe it's the seemingly expensive suit they're wearing, that leads you to feel the differences between you and them. For example, they can't relate to the financial hardship you're experiencing under such circumstances
6. Feeling the hopeless news they deliver, based on the medical world's findings and their own conclusions. Can feel like a lack of interest in exploring anything outside the square, research included. In reality, we seek help, what we don't seek is to be doomed
7. That sense you get when you make good suggestions or ask valid questions and they're brushed off in a way where you get that feeling from them 'You don't know what you're talking about. Just leave it up to the experts, little girl/boy'

and so on.

We can be sensing dozens of things, in a short time, and then be left wondering why we leave feeling so depressed.

Would you say you sense a lot?

[Kitty88]

Thanks for your reply. I can't go back because I don't have a lot of support and he is talking about me being in their for a couple of weeks and I wouldn't be able to find someone to have my son that long.

I also just feel so worn out and defeated that I feel I don't have anything left in me to go in and deal with it all again, if that makes sense

[Kitty88]

Yes, I do sense things alot and feel quite deep, so even if I sense an attitude or that someone doesn't really want to be around me, it gets to me alot.

With hospital I have always said it doesn't do anything, that you go in do whatever but when you come back out you just walk straight back into the same situation, it's like just masking it up while your in their!

Now I'm just so worn out and feel so defeated I honestly don't think I have anything left to even go in and deal with it all...

[Petal22]

Hi Kitty88,

Im sorry to hear that you don’t have alot of support….. some hospitals allow the patients children to go in aswell depending on their age……

im aware some hospitals allow mums and bubs..

You are not defeated you are still standing, keep up the fight….. you have a beautiful son and he needs you……

[Petal22]

“ The most common way people give up their power is thinking they don’t have any”

Its within you Kitty88 start believing you “CAN” and your half way there….

Please accept the help you need to begin your recovery.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Kitty88,

I hope you don’t mind me calling in to talk to you a bit about hospital....

A few years ago, maybe a bit more...I tried to end my life, and was asked by my Psychiatrist if I would voluntarily admit myself to the mental health ward at the hospital...I didn’t want to do that...He had the power to admit me without my consent, which would mean I would be in the acute ward....I ended up volunteering my admittance...

The first week, I thought the same...this isn’t going to help me at all...and I wanted to run away...I didn’t because I couldn’t...an hourly check done by the nurses meant I wouldn’t get very far and my luck I would have been caught....anyway...after that first week I started joining in with all the groups, they held them twice daily...as well as intense one on one with the hospital’s psychiatrist....These groups helped me and I’m sure the other inpatients as well...on how to cope when my depression turns to S/I...as well as many other coping strategies for my horrible anxiety and PTSD from a violent DV marriage....

It really did help me...although I did fall a couple more times through the following years and ended up twice more in the same ward for 2 weeks at a time...

What I’m trying to say lovely Kitty, is Please if your psychiatrist is wanting to admit you into hospital..it’s done out of his concern for you as well as his fear for you...

I will admit, coming home on these 3 occasions was hard...very hard, because I came home to just me..no support until it was organised by the hospital’s social worker...Maybe if you really don’t want to go to hospital ask your psychiatrist if he could organise some mental health support for you through the social worker from the hospital that you were admitted to earlier....it’s worth a try....Do you think your psychiatrist will organise this for you..if you asked him/her?..

You’re first paragraph on your last post..is something I struggle with so much....being an empath can be hard to deal with...as we tend to go down more easily, not just with our pain but with “feeling” the pain and hurt of others..

My kindest thoughts dear sweet Kitty, with my care..

Grandy..

[Petal22]

Kitty88 if you accept the expectations of others, especially negative ones, then “ you will never change the outcome “…..

[therising]

Hi Kitty

To be a feeler can be so deeply challenging, especially in the most confronting of circumstances where such an ability can really wear you down. It can become a matter of 'Why am I the only one managing what it is I'm feeling?'. For example, you can feel/sense when the people around you don't care enough, in ways that will make a difference. Why are they not managing to care more? Why is them not managing something you have to take responsibility for? If you challenge them on what you feel, you'll typically get 1 of 2 responses, one being you're 'way too sensitive' or 'difficult' and the other being 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea I led you to feel this way'. The 1st indicates arrogance and/or dismissiveness, the 2nd indicates that person has just raised their level of consciousness. Their words and actions may suddenly change in ways that makes a difference. It's not that they didn't care, it's just that they weren't conscious of the need to care more. Getting a feel for these 2 different natures is a must, for someone who has the ability to feel who they're working with. With the 1st type being arrogant and/or closed minded, they're a major challenge. Hard to get through to such people. The 2nd type are the ones who are more willing to make a difference. Btw, if you have to work with the 1st type, you may need to yell at a level where they can eventually hear what you're saying.

I've found, through my own experience, there's a big difference in being a feeler who suppresses expressing what they feel and one who channels a completely honest sense of self. Over time, I've become more honest. Incredibly hard to achieve if we've been conditioned to not to upset people. Being honest (with a matter of fact attitude) may sound like 'I can feel you simply don't care. I feel that when your job is done, you'll not give me a 2nd thought. I feel that when I walk out those doors I will be on my own. I feel if I choose to stay in hospital it's going to complicate things, especially in regard to my child'. If the response is simply 'Everything will be fine' I would be tempted to say 'I feel your instant dismissal of all my serious concerns and it seriously triggers me. I feel you dismissed it all without a 2nd thought. I challenge you to think twice and then tell me how you would feel if you were me'.

The best people to work with are a combo of natural feeler and natural analyst. They'll feel for you and analyse the best way forward. They can be hard to find.

[Kitty88]

I don't really know what to do anymore... I'm so worn out and feel numb in a sense. Last night I ended up self harming for the first time in a long time, I don't even know why I just needed a release or something but then have been left with the guilt of relapsing.

I feel so stuck, I really don't know what to do anymore

[Sophie_M]

Hi Kitty88

We're really sorry to hear that you're feeling so low, guilty and lost all at once today. We want you to know we're all here for you and also to let you know that we know that it takes a lot of courage and strength to keep going sometimes, which can be so exhausting and demoralising at times. 

Again, Kitty88, we encourage you to phone in and chat with us on 1300 22 4636 (or hop online via webchat https://www.beyondblue.org.au/support-service/chat), call lifeline on 13 11 14 or the suicide call back service on 1300 659 467, so that you continue to keep connected and we can help you talk through these feelings and the place/s you find yourself in this morning, or at any time. We've also reached out to you privately to touch base...

Whilst we want to reach out to you and be here to support you the best way we can, but please don't hesitate to call 000 (triple zero), or go straight to your nearest hospital if you find yourself not safe again at any time.

We want you to know that you are such a valuable part of our online community, and your safety and connection/s here is very important.

Kind regards,

Sophie M