Dear Kitty88~
I've not spoken to you before, so we do not know each other, however your life and what has happened to you has touched me, perhaps because although my life has been very different we have been in much the same place - with no hope and great despair.
Yes, people apply band-aids to fix deep ongoing wounds. I found the world does have more to offer, but you are not realy in a place to believe me now.
So can I offer two things?
First I do not know what rock you are speaking of that you have lost, if it is your son then go into that hospital -there is no bar to doing so except lack of hope- so why not?.
When in the psych ward I have felt it a waste of time - time that hurt. It was not a pleasant place (I go in public) and to start with that made me feel worse as I was sorry for the others in there who were suffering too in their own ways.
As time went on the pressures of everyday life with disaster after disaster got a bit less. I remember looking out of the frosted window in the smoker's room - it only opened about 10 cm - and looking down from the 5th floor to the ground. A little courtyard wiht trees as seen from above over green grass.
Birds flitting from one tree to another. A glimpse of pavement, road and shops, car passing by and people going about there daily business, hurried and busy.
I was remote from it all, not even much sound came up.
That helped, not sure why.
Second: I have a retreat from life I go to for a few minutes, many people do. I'll tell you of mine.
I'm standing on a meadow on the side of a cliff, the turf cropped short by sheep. The horizon goes most of the way around, all grey sea meeting grey clouds. Waves driven to shore, whitecaps flying. The wind is cold, strong and gusty, making me lean into it.
I watch dark squalls of rain approach over the sea until they hit me, water running down my face like tears. But below my neck I'm snug and dry.
A seagull whizzes past on half furled wings, carried by the wind.
I see the world has other things than me in mind, it is so much larger and that can be a comfort.
If you would like to talk to me I'd find that a kindness
Croix
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