I’m trapped. How can I escape? There’s no hope.

fml3 · ‎19-01-2021

The pictures and flashes of me killing myself are an endless loop. They go on and on and on and I can’t stop them. I don’t know what to do anymore. I get triggered so easily. I just want this pain to end. I’m trapped in my own head. I’m suffocating in air I thought was safe. I can’t escape... how do I escape this? There has to be another way. I fear there may not be any hope for me anymore. No one can help me so why bother? It’s like I’m dead already, just watching myself. Like I’m not even here anymore. What’s the point of this. It’s getting too much, how do I escape my own mind?

Guest_4643 · ‎21-01-2021

Hey fml3, welcome to the forums. I'm really sorry to hear how you're feeling.

I have PTSD myself, I don't have it as bad as others but I do have it (I have nightmares, flashbacks, etc). So I understand to a certain extent having flashbacks etc often like you mentioned, and it's hard, if not impossible to stop. I totally understand that, and certain triggers.

I wish I could do more to support you, I'm sorry I can't. But please know that I care about you and I'm here for you, all of the forum does and will support and be there for you too. Please stay safe, we're concerned for you.

You're safe here.

Doolhof · ‎22-01-2021

Hi Amanda,

Welcome to the forums. Thanks for sharing how you are feeling. Sometimes our posts can become lost on the threads created by other people. Please know you are most welcome to share and contribute any where you like. If you would like to create your own thread you are welcome to do that as well.

I'm sorry to read you are struggling, that life is sometimes overwhelming and you feel trapped. Hopefully you can keep telling yourself tomorrow will be better. I'm struggling a little myself and try to tell myself I can make today better as well.

Negative thoughts can so quickly take control can't they! I really hope today is a better day for you.

I look forward to reading more of your suggestions. I like the analogy of seeing more and more each day.

Cheers to you from Dools

fml3 · ‎24-01-2021

Hi mb20lover

Thank you for posting. I’m sorry that you have nightmares and flashbacks due to PTSD. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for you and others who suffer from it. And yeah, I agree with you about the triggers and how it seems impossible to stop. It’s hard. You have already done so much by just posting here, thank you a lot. I’m sorry I haven’t replied sooner, I’ve been getting worse and I was isolating myself from everyone for a bit and trying to cope either everything. I’m empty now. It’s like there is nothing left in me anymore, like there’s nothing worth living for anymore either... I sound so selfish, I’m really sorry. Thank you a lot for being supportive,

jj

fml3 · ‎24-01-2021

Hi Amanda,

Yeah, it really is too overwhelming most of the time. For me it is either feeling extremely overwhelmed and distressed or completely empty and numb. I don’t know which is worse to be honest. It’s really good that you are hopeful! I wish I could say the same for myself. I will try what you have suggested if I have enough energy tomorrow, thank you a lot. Please keep going forward and hoping.
jj

Doolhof · ‎24-01-2021

Hi jj,

You don't sound selfish at all, you sound tired and exhausted. That is understandable with what you are experiencing.

I found it helpful to share here how I was feeling, to have been acknowledge it is okay to struggle and that there is hope, sometimes it is just hard to find.

Some days I would Google "Cute Animals" or "Natures wonders" or listen to music that helped to calm my heart, mind and soul.

Are there places that you usually find comforting or interesting? Are you able to loose your thoughts in a book for a while or something similar?

Regards from Dools

Guest_4643 · ‎24-01-2021

Hey fml3. Yes it is difficult.

No need to apologise about not replying sooner, I've been struggling myself so I understand. I feel the same way you described.

You're not selfish at all, I promise you

Amanda2000 · ‎25-01-2021

Hi jj,

Haha I'm not as "hopeful" as you may think. Just desperately trying to think of ways to cope. I get anxiety from people and noise, germs-anxiety and ocd. It's been getting worse and worse in the past month which is why I decided to join the group. I wanted to talk to people who understand first-hand. Yes I can relate totally to everything you said. Unlike a physical illness where you can just take the medication and rest to recover, a mental condition takes so much hard work on the mind and it does get exhausting. A coping-strategy I've started using when my trigger/anxiety hits is to imagine the worse that can happen at that very moment. For example, if I'm watching tv in peace-and-quiet and then suddenly I hear loud lawnmowing noise (which my mind interprets as danger and I need to hide), I would immediately try to tell myself at least it's not a tree that's fallen through my roof, then I just turn up the volume of my tv and continue. Of course I still get negative thoughts in my head as I try to fight the anxiety but at least the one incident has not ruined my entire day like it would have in the past. Give it a go!

fml3 · ‎31-01-2021

Hey Amanda,

thanks for replying again. It’s really good that you’ve been trying to find coping strategies, I’ll try the one you suggested out, thank you I really appreciate it! I have recently started school again and have been quite stressed and my mental health is getting worse. I don’t know what I’ll do in the end. My anxiety has also been in the highs because I have been really worried that my teachers might find out that I am feeling depressed, suicidal and self harming and tell my parents. I would rather die than they tell my parents...

My parents are extremely homophobic and don’t believe teenagers and kids can have mental illnesses or feel depressed. They constantly make me feel unloved, worthless and make my mental health even worse. I really can’t have my teachers finding out about my current issues. I do have a problem though, I don’t know how to be happy anymore... I don’t know how to look, act or simply be happy anymore and my teachers keep asking me and my best friends too if I am feeling ok and giving me those concerned looks during class. I don’t know what I’ll do and how I’ll be able to act happy. I fear that if try to act happy for too long and am successful, then it might become too much. And that I’ll just break no matter how hard I fight the thoughts and impulses. I feel stuck and trapped more than ever now and under the stresses and high expectations and pressure of school again with the added stresses of needing to learn how to act happy... I don’t know how long I’ll last until I reach my breaking point.

I’m sorry for this rant, I’m not even worthy of help. I really hope that your anxiety and ocd gets better and that you’ll find even more and successful ways to cope. Thank you a lot.

jj

Sophie_M · ‎31-01-2021

Hi fml3, thank you for posting to the forums tonight and sharing what you are experiencing. We are so sorry to hear that you are in such a difficult place and stressed about any possible negative reaction from your parents. This sounds really hard and we are really sorry you are having these heavy feelings and thoughts running through you. You mentioned your teachers and best friends are getting concerned which shows that there are people in your life who genuinely care about your well being. Of course you never have to pretend to be anything other than what you are feeling at any given moment.

Please know that you are worthy and deserving of support just as you are, no matter how you are feeling. We really encourage you to reach out for support and get in touch with Kids Help Line. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under. Headspace also support young people and offer a wide range of services including online and telephone counselling.

It may seem like there are no solutions in sight right now but there is hope and there is support. It's very difficult to reach out and we understand that as well. But please know that you truly deserve to be heard and seen for exactly who you are.

Please keep posting here to let us know how you are doing, whenever you feel up to it. We are here for you.

Amanda2000 · ‎01-02-2021

Hi jj,

You mentioned that you have best friends! That's already 1 big thing to be happy about. Their concern for you is showing how much they care. I wish I had friends like yours.

Don't say that you are not worthy of help. One thing I've noticed about this online community is that helping/supporting others also helps ourselves. It's human nature that we all think we have the worst deal in life when we're down.

Regarding your parents, try to look at the bigger picture. One day you will grow up and move out. I have issues with my parents too. They don't believe in depression either. They think it's a new modern-day illness because people live such comfortable lives not having to hunt for food! I have no choice but to avoid seeing them. When I do have to see them, just talk about the weather or something non-contentious.

The school pressure is also temporary. It will be behind you one day. I went to hell-and-back in my high school years. It was the unhappiest time in my life. I didn't have any close friends, and still don't haha.

When I get up each morning, I often think negatively "here we go again". Rather than trying to be happy, I just say to myself "well I'm still here. what am I going to do to pass the time today?"