I’m trapped. How can I escape? There’s no hope.

[fml3]

The pictures and flashes of me killing myself are an endless loop. They go on and on and on and I can’t stop them. I don’t know what to do anymore. I get triggered so easily. I just want this pain to end. I’m trapped in my own head. I’m suffocating in air I thought was safe. I can’t escape... how do I escape this? There has to be another way. I fear there may not be any hope for me anymore. No one can help me so why bother? It’s like I’m dead already, just watching myself. Like I’m not even here anymore. What’s the point of this. It’s getting too much, how do I escape my own mind?

[fml3]

Hey amanda,

Yeah, one thing I truly am really grateful for are my friends. They are the only people who have been able to keep me alive this long. I wouldn’t have been able to have gotten this far and even reached out for support on here without them. They really are amazing and sadly also have some mental health issues like me which I also try to help them with when I’m not at a low. I hope you can get some good friends real soon too.

And about my parents, I’ve even thought of joining the army to move out even earlier because I really can’t stand them. The constant homophobia and emotionally abusive comments kill me slowly honestly. Especially when I’m currently struggling with my sexuality and gender identity... It’s hard. I wish they could understand everything.

The school pressure is now on and I’m not even doing my homework or starting assignments anymore. There’s no point anyways to be honest and I have no energy.

Today at school, we got an announcement that a girl had committed suicide. I was shaking during the announcement and had a panic attack later. The reality of death and suicide is creeping in. It’s not a bad realisation for me however. I don’t think that is a good sign.

Sorry for babbling on, a bit stressed out at the moment as the school is now on high alert for students who are at a suicide risk or depressed. I don’t know what I’ll do. I think I might even turn to drugs to just numb the pain or something. I’ll be fine for now though hopefully.

Thank you so much for replying. I hope you get some new close friends that can support and accept you.

jj

[Sophie_M]

Dear fml3,
We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636), Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 

[Amanda2000]

Hi jj,

I strongly encourage you to try calling the services that Sophie has mentioned above. You have nothing to lose. They can only help you feel better. You wouldn't be any worse off than you feel right now.

I do believe good times are waiting for you sometime in the future. You just can't see it yet! I got an unexpected surprise yesterday that made me very happy. 2 weeks ago I was practically a zombie at home and did not talk at all to any of my family. I could not have predicted that something so nice would happen to me 2 weeks down the track.

Also strangely I find work to be a good distraction for me. Just get stuck into what I need to get done and block-out everything else that's making me depressed.

I hope things can improve for you. Remember to celebrate every little-win.

[Guest_4643]

Hey fml3, how are you going?

[fml3]

Hey Amanda,

I haven’t been online recently, sorry. I’ve been falling behind in mountains of impossible school work... I’ll consider contacting one of the services, I just keep thinking though there are people who deserve it way more than me and that I’m not worth it. I wish I could still feel good and happy. Maybe I can but I don’t think so. That’s awesome that you got a good surprise! It’s great to hear you’re feeling happy.

I’ve also tried using school work as a distraction, however unfortunately it does not work for me because I cannot ever find the motivation to do it. I am constantly falling behind in my work and assignments and then my teachers get pissed off at me. I haven’t been doing really well to be honest.  It’s great news that you felt happy and I wish you the best, thanks for replying again.

jj

[Sophie_M]

Dear fml3

We are so sorry to hear that you have not been doing well. We are glad that you have shared your feelings with our community, and we hope that posting on the forums brings you some comfort. We are here for you fml3. 

If you ever find yourself in immediate danger, we urge you to contact emergency services on 000 (triple zero) and in overwhelming moments, we urge you to contact Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) for crisis support. 

Please continue to post and seek support as you see fit. We also encourage you to speak with your school counsellor if you haven't already. 

[jumpyjellyfish-]

hey flm3,

Just thought I'd pop in here to say hi and let you know that you are strong and you will get through this even if you can't see it at the moment.

It isn't wrong of you at all to contact a helpline for support. They aren't going to turn you away or judge you for your struggles 'not being bad enough' - they want to support you. Another thing I'll say is often when people are going through a tough time, they believe that they don't deserve help, and that might be exactly the reason they do. I'm wondering are you willing to consider that maybe you are in this very position?

School and the workload can be really hard... I've been struggling too with finding the motivation to do homework and classwork, and am finding the idea of even starting let alone finishing an assignment tiring. I can second Sophie_M in her suggestion of talking to the school counsellor - even if you only feel comfortable talking about this schooling aspect of what you're going through, dealing with the different things that are weighing on you individually can make it a lot less daunting.

Take care xx

[Bent]

Yeah, this is pretty graphic. How are you feeling today? Have you seen a psychologist or psychiatrist? Face to face might work with some people?

[Bent]

Hello again. This is just a suggestion. Can you tell your school counselor or psychologist that you are not coping? They can also tell your teachers to be more caring. Here in Australia, students with health problems or disabilities are looked after.

[fml3]

I’m so tired of feeling empty now. It’s like I don’t care about anything anymore? Maybe I don’t. I’m trying so hard to hold on. My friends still need me right? But what if they don’t? What if I’m just that invisible friend that everyone will forget anyways? What’s the point then? What is the meaning of life anyways? I’m such a failure and I’m sorry for asking so many questions, my mind is racing. I’ll keep holding on for now.