I’m trapped. How can I escape? There’s no hope.

fml3 · ‎19-01-2021

The pictures and flashes of me killing myself are an endless loop. They go on and on and on and I can’t stop them. I don’t know what to do anymore. I get triggered so easily. I just want this pain to end. I’m trapped in my own head. I’m suffocating in air I thought was safe. I can’t escape... how do I escape this? There has to be another way. I fear there may not be any hope for me anymore. No one can help me so why bother? It’s like I’m dead already, just watching myself. Like I’m not even here anymore. What’s the point of this. It’s getting too much, how do I escape my own mind?

Sophie_M · ‎03-03-2021

Hey fml3,

Thanks for reaching out tonight. It sounds as though today was particularly overwhelming for you. We're sorry to hear you feel as though you're letting yourself down. We hope you know things can get better and you have shown a lot of strength in continuing to reach out.

We've reached out via email to check-in with how you're feeling.

Please remember there are Support Services available for your most difficult moments. Some of these 24/7 services include Lifeline - 13 11 14 / https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat (online chat available 7pm-12am) and the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467.

If you find yourself in a situation where you are an immediate danger to yourself again, this is an emergency and you should call 000.
Please let us know how you're feeling when you have the strength to do so.

Aaronsis · ‎03-03-2021

Hey JJ

Yesterday sure sounded like it was a tough day for you.

I hear what you said about your counsellor and it is fine for you to not click with her, this happens all the time, in life and in therapy, we don't always click with people and therefore how are we supposed to gain help and insight when we just do not have a bond with that person. I understand that there is possible only one support person at school so the option of seeing someone else is not there, however, could you perhaps mention politely to the counsellor that you are not finding the dynamic between you two is helping you and would there be a way in which you could connect or meet with another one? I am not sure if this is an option but if continuing with this one is causing more pain that help I would ask whether continuing with her is beneficial. You could also write this on paper and hand it to her if you feel awkward in telling her this or even arrange with someone at the school to see if there is another person you can chat with through school.

I hear you in that you feel like there is no purpose and that all this is for nothing and what on earth could go right when it is all going wrong. That you feel like you are just messing everything up. I am so sorry that you have this weight to carry and that you feel so very bad at the moment. I am so proud of you though for chatting here and to share how you are feeling and letting us support you too. Never stop talking..you are welcome to talk here as often and for as long as you like, this is your space, your place and we are here to listen and to sit with you. You do matter and we do care, so much, and I hear how much things are hurting for you right now.

It is so hard to know what to do next when you do feel like you are a passenger in your life and you are just watching as it all crumbles around you. I have just started some new therapy myself and have found this to be so wonderful. Sometimes when you least expect it an opportunity come to do or try something you never thought about and it just might be what works...that is the importance of keeping on searching and keeping on talking, you just don't know what goodness, even the tiniest bit may come.

I understand that your family are not in a position to support you the way you need to be supported and I am so very sorry you have not got this at home, I am wondering though where we can reach out to get you the support that you need..I will think some more.

Hugs and chat soon

Sarah x

Ggrand · ‎03-03-2021

Dearest fml3...

I have listened to your thread with a lot of sadness and heartbreak for you...I’m sorry your struggling so much with your mental health...

Like any other illness..is: a broken bone, the flue, hepatitis just to name a few....These are all physical illnesses that need professional treatment to heal...,Its the same with mental illness...it also needs professional help/treatment to heal....

Most teenagers are thinking that their parents don’t care nor love them....In most cases I feel this is not correct, . Parents feed us, wash our clothes, buy things that we need and even just because we want it sometimes..and sometimes they seem unapproachable to our problems....but mostly they really aren’t...they want to know and help...I’m sure they can at least sense that you’re not okay....maybe..just maybe their views on mental health will change once they know that your struggling with it....you are their child and only want the best for you....

The school Counsellor not knowing the extent of your mental health..the thoughts on suicide cannot help you..unless they know...Maybe think back before depression found you..you were happy and enjoying life and friends,,,Then this illness struck you down...it very rarely leaves you without professional support and guidance...Which you really do need at this point in your life...Please dear fml3 I’m gently urging you to reach out in full open honesty towards your unhealthy thoughts to your parents or Counsellor so professional help and guidance can be arranged...

When those unhealthy thoughts start chatting away in your mind..can you listen and even sing along to music...play an Internet game or even doing these things outside somewhere...Our minds are a very powerful part of our body..but not that powerful that it can think on 2 things at once...If your listening to music, playing games, talking with your friends about good times...it cannot think unhealthy thoughts at the same time.....these things can give your mind a little rest....also when your laying down to sleep.,their are some gentle sleep stories that you can listen to, while you fall asleep...they are all worth trying lovely fml3....to myself personally anything that brings even a small time of peace is worth it...

Sending you my kindest thoughts with my care..

Grandy...

fml3 · ‎10-03-2021

Hey,

thank you for all the kind support. I really do appreciate it.

Ive been having a pretty hard time recently, however luckily me and my best friend are ok again for now. (She was pissed off at me and not talking to me for a week or two) I have lost one of my best friends though and she hates me... To be honest I just feel so empty right now. I feel this weird feeling that I could kill myself at any minute and that I wouldn’t be able to control myself if one more bad thing happened. I’m giving life another chance before I make a final decision. Hopefully I can get through this. I’m not so sure I can. Maybe.

I’ve been struggling a lot at school and have been in lots of stress too. And obviously lots of stress means self harming and punching walls... I know these aren’t good stress relievers but it’s better than killing myself or doing drugs I guess. My religion teacher has unfortunately picked up that I’m struggling and that I’m ‘unhappy and stressed’. She’s trying to help me... I kind of just want to tell her that she can’t help me - that no one can. She is so nice though that I feel like it would break her heart to hear it...

My parents have been getting worse toward me and it’s definitely not helping.

I hope this nightmare that is my life will end soon. Not necessarily via death however. Maybe I can get through this. Just maybe. And that maybe is enough to keep me living right now.
thanks for your ongoing support,

JJ.

Sophie_M · ‎10-03-2021

Hi fml3,

Thank you for continuing to keep us updated with how you are feeling. We're sorry to hear that you have been having a hard time recently. We strongly encourage you to continue reaching out for support to help you through this difficult time in your life.

You never have to deal with these overwhelming thoughts and feelings alone, and we want to remind you that you are a really important and valuable member in our community.

Ggrand · ‎11-03-2021

Dearest fml..

I really am sorry your struggling a lot at the moment...

Love it that your going to life another chance...Life can be hard...then again life can be beautiful and it’s worth chance after chance after chance...I’m proud of you so much..

Fml...your feelings of no one being able to help you...is so wrong..people care for you and showing you their care by being their to help you in any way they can..

I liked hearing that you and your best friend are okay now..sometimes friends need time out from each other..for different reasons...but a true best friend will always come back to each other...

Things change each second of every day...Things will change for you as well....nothing stays the same, before your depression/anxiety came How we’re things going for you?...I am hoping with some kind and caring people in your life..your Counsellor, your best friend...that soon you will find your way back to where you were before all this happened to you...It is possible...please believe in yourself and have faith that things will change for you..

My kind and caring thoughts dear fml...

Grandy..

fml3 · ‎19-03-2021

Wow, first suspension from school! Ever! My parents are pissed off at me and made me sob in front of them. I’m so angry at the world right now. Why is it when things start to look better everything just suddenly implodes? I got caught with alcohol and a drug at school today. Getting suspended and my parents had to come in to have a meeting with the principal. They are ashamed of me and apparently I’m a disgrace and bring shame to the family. My school laptop just broke down and I’ll need to pay a bill of around 300 to fix it because my parents won’t and this is the weekend before all assessment. My friends are all mad at me again and I feel fucking terrible. Sorry for this rant, honestly think this has been one of my lowest days in a while now. I have no control over anything in my life... what’s the point seriously?

Sophie_M · ‎19-03-2021

Hey there,

We really appreciate your post today and are very sorry to hear how hard it has been for you. It sounds like your in a difficult situation with school and with your parents now. It must have been really painful to hear your family say those things about you and also to have the pressure to come up with money to fix your laptop before the assessment. It seems like its an incredibly stressful time for you,

Today has been particularly tough and on our lowest days its important to remind ourselves that not every day will be like this. On those really low days we really encourage you to speak to one of our counsellors here at Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636 Counsellors at The Suicide Call Back Service are also available 24/7 on 1300 659 467 especially if you are having thoughts around suicide or struggling to feel hope. Warm Regards,

jumpyjellyfish- · ‎02-04-2021

Hey, just wanted to check in and see if you're going ok. Thinking of you. xx

I'm sorry about your suspension, I hope everything went ok.

Hopefully the school holidays are a much needed break from school.

Take care, sending hugs x