I’m trapped. How can I escape? There’s no hope.

[fml3]

The pictures and flashes of me killing myself are an endless loop. They go on and on and on and I can’t stop them. I don’t know what to do anymore. I get triggered so easily. I just want this pain to end. I’m trapped in my own head. I’m suffocating in air I thought was safe. I can’t escape... how do I escape this? There has to be another way. I fear there may not be any hope for me anymore. No one can help me so why bother? It’s like I’m dead already, just watching myself. Like I’m not even here anymore. What’s the point of this. It’s getting too much, how do I escape my own mind?

[Sophie_M]

Hey Fml3,

Thanks for joining us on the forums tonight. We're so sorry to hear you're struggling with thoughts of suicide and feeling as though you have no purpose or worth. We can imagine it would be so painful to manage these thoughts and feelings. Please know that you are valuable. It sounds as though you are needing some support and we want you to know that there is help available to you. We are sending you a private message with some extra support.

We would strongly recommend that you get in touch with Kids Helpline - https://kidshelpline.com.au/. It sounds like you're in a really tough situation and it might help to talk it out whenever you're feeling overwhelmed. Kids Helpline counsellors can be contacted 24/7 via telephone and also via webchat if you go through the website provided.

We hope you know that there is also help available from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Thanks again for reaching out as we know that it can be really tough to do. We hope that you find some comfort here in the words of wisdom and kindness that our community can offer. 

[Guest_4643]

Hey fml3, are you ok?

[fml3]

I’m living a lie. All the fake smiles which I can mange, all the ‘I’m fine’s and even my friends. All I do is depress everyone around me and try to pretend that I’m happy. I can’t even do that. I’m sorry, this is just hilariously pathetic for me right now. I’m so behind in all my work- it’s just an impossible mountain of work right now. It’s angel vs demon in my mind right now. Except the demons are taking over. The thoughts and voices getting stronger. There’s still that angelic little voice in me though- am I still worth it? I miss the me before this happened to me.

[Sophie_M]

Hey fml3,

Thank you so much for keeping the community updated on how you've been feeling. It sounds like it must be so difficult to put on a fake smile, and to feel unable to open up about your feelings to those close to you. But please know that you never have to keep those feelings bottled up inside- there is always someone to talk to about these thoughts and feelings that you're experiencing. Do you think that you would feel up to reaching out tonight? The counsellors at Kids Helpline are always available to you either by phone (1800 55 1800) or also through webchat if you'd feel more comfortable reaching out through online chat: https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling

You never have to deal with these overwhelming thoughts and feelings alone, and please know that you are a really important and valuable member in our community. You are worthy, and deserve support through this difficult time. Our community are here for you fml3.

[fml3]

I am becoming self destructive. I want to live but I don’t know how. I’m in survival mode. How do I live again.. how do I get better? Can’t keep living like this.

[Sophie_M]

Hi fml3,

We're so sorry to hear that you're becoming self destructive. It's really important that you access some support for everything that you've been going through lately. We are getting in touch with you privately to offer you some support.

We'd like to reiterate that there are counsellors available to speak with you 24/7 through Kids Help Line and the Suicide Callback Service.

Many of our members have felt similar and will be able to talk through these feelings with you. If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best help you get through this tough period.


 

[fml3]

Hi again,

I guess the only reason I am still alive right now are for my friends and because I still want to live. I just really want to stop the pain. I feel trapped in my head- I can’t get out of it and the thoughts and the voices. Everything is just getting too much.

With the added stress of school and the workload and expectations, why am I really living? Who am I even living for? Nobody cares or can help me get better, There’s no point anymore. I guess that’s what’s going through my head at the moment.

Its like I’m just watching myself survive, I feel useless and helpless to myself because I can’t even help myself. I just keep getting worse by the day. And I guess people at school have unfortunately picked up on it because today my year co called me in. She threatened to either call my parents (because I was seen with a suicide search up on my laptop from the night before) or go to the school counsellor for her to decide whether she needs to call them. I chose the latter obviously because I don’t want my parents knowing. Counselling is not helping and just made me feel worse. I can’t even talk about being suicidal or self harm or any of the stuff that is really bothering me because she would tell my parents/ teachers.

I am hating school and considering dropping out. At least then I could try to deal with my mental health a bit better or end up finally in peace. I don’t know how or what can help me at the moment. I feel as though I am too far gone to be helped anyways. I’m really sorry for wasting your time.

thanks,

jj

[Sophie_M]

Hey Fml3,

Thanks for reaching out to the Beyond Blue forums tonight. We're sorry to hear that you're struggling with negative feelings around your worth. We can hear that these feelings have been difficult to cope with in many parts of your life, and we understand that this must be difficult. We want you to know that you are valuable, and we're here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you.

We would like to encourage you again to contact the Kids Helpline - https://kidshelpline.com.au/ It sounds like you're in a really tough situation and it might help to talk it out whenever you're feeling overwhelmed. Kids Helpline counsellors can be contacted 24/7 via telephone and also via webchat if you go through the website provided.

In addition to this, there are always counsellors available via phone for your most difficult moments. Some of these 24/7 services include: Lifeline on 13 11 14 / https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat (online chat available 7pm-12am) and the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467.

We appreciate your continued participation in the forums and hope you keep us updated on how you're feeling. 

[Aaronsis]

We are here for you fml3, know we care so very much and that we are here to chat. I am around today if there are some things you would like to share or to release or simply just talk about your day, I am here to sit with you.

I can hear how hard things are for you at this time and I want to say how proud I am of you for reaching out here, for seeking some support, for holding on when times are so hard.

I just re read what you typed earlier "I guess the only reason I am still alive right now are for my friends and because I still want to live" I believe we only need one reason, to find one piece of hope, one reason to choose to stay when things are so very hard, so dark and the pain is too much. I am wondering what aside from your friends are some other things in your life that bring you even a small smile?

School is hard, the work, the pressure and the expectations. I have two kids in high school and I watch what they do each day and it really is like nothing I went through. I am so glad tho that there are school councellors and support teams in schools these days, I don't really remember having that support available for me.

You are right in that if you do express concerns for your life they will have to include your parents, I am wondering though if this is such a bad thing...I would like to chat some more about it to you if you want. Sometimes we role play how a situation will go, usually badly, I am wondering that maybe your parents may not react in the way you are playing it out in your head, that they might so very much surprise you and be able to give you the support you very much need at this time. I understand in the past that you have written this "My parents are extremely homophobic and don’t believe teenagers and kids can have mental illnesses or feel depressed. They constantly make me feel unloved, worthless and make my mental health even worse" however with a school counsellor present and some interaction from a group conversation they might hear you for the first time and respond with action, care and love. I know this is not excusing any previous behaviours from them but it is bloody hard to parent, we don't always get it right, sometimes we have every good intention and it comes across as a total disaster. Maybe your parents need some support in supporting you too, that this could be a journey that you go on together.

I hope to chat some more to you and please know how much you matter and how much we care.

hugs

Sarah

[fml3]

I’m doing great! Absolutely fantastic..

Nope, not at all. Sorry, feeling at my worst currently and I can’t help but laugh at myself.

I keep messing things up with my family, friends and school. I have no purpose or meaning to keep going and being forced to go to the counsellor isn’t helping since I don’t like her and I lied about my suicidal ideation.

My life is basically going to pieces and I’m just blankly staring. Trapped once again. Thanks for reading this if you got this far. Ok, I’ll stop talking now. Thank you,

JJ.