I hate this time of year & everything about my life

Bbydoll · ‎23-12-2021

I'm suffering from chronic pain issues; auto immune related issues and a body that is basically falling apart. I have no family around except for a brother (and sister in law,and niece), who would rather spend time with their friends - even though I pushed myself to be there for their daughters birthday. My teeth are rotting because of pain meds and I have no way of paying for them to be fixed.. some are now are in my smile line and the idea of loosing teeth there destroys me. My extended family wanted me to join them on Christmas day except for the fact it would be just breakfast as they want to visit their significant others family (not to mention it's a 4 hour round trip for me on public transport on a public holiday), and I can barely function as I'm suffering from tinnitus and vertigo at the moment on top of my usual health issues. I'm struggling to get through to the rest of the year. I've been reaching out via text message to my closest friend - but he's been avoiding me. My other friend just doesn't believe how bad my mental state is; despite having her own issues with depression and suicide. Every year is another year where nothing is achieved and my "bucket list" is further away from ever happening. Even on the rare occasions I'm out socializing; people avoid me. I seem to just repel people. Having had years and years of people leaving me, it's not like I haven't tried - organizing parties at my place; inviting friends out for a girls night out etc... no one ever bothers returning the favor. No one checks up on me. My online friends only respond to me messaging them - and even that's not a guarantee of a reply. I'm tired of struggling with no support. I'm not living, I'm barely surviving. .. it's like I'm not even here. And I'm sure it wouldn't matter if I wasn't because people in my life just don't seem to care! And it's not like I have anything keeping me here - no partner, no kids, no pets. . Nothing at all.

Bbydoll · ‎27-12-2022

Hi Bob, I had blood and urine sent off but haven't heard anything back yet. I've had a few issues with one of my auto immune conditions and suspect I may be in a flare from that. If it continues I'll be seeing my GP soon and do a review of medications. On Christmas day I also texted my male friend who responded and let me know that he's recovering from his second round of covid. He also has family from overseas visiting, as well as working 6 days per week and rehearsing 2 shows 4 nights a week. I had hoped to see him before the end of the year, but this is highly unlikely- I worry he stretches himself too thin, he's in his 60s and I suspect that's why he's more susceptible to catching covid. I might try and reach out again in the new year to post his present to him - however I don't have his new address, so need it and his permission to send it to him.

Yes, it seems no matter how much I try to reach out to other people they either take it for granted, ignore me or just don't respond at all. I was given a food hamper from a local charity and gave a few items to a neighbour on Christmas night. After I got home from being with family. She made an excuse that she was waiting for her sister to call her - I know that she has a few sisters but she has used this excuse several times to get out of having a conversation with me. She used to come over and we would chat about stuff. But she started to say she'd come over and nothing would happen and I'd sit up waiting for hours. So one night I called her out on it and said if she couldn't make it could she just tell me - she got very defensive and said I don't have to tell you where I'm going. With my health issues, if I'm not well I'd rather go to sleep, than sit up waiting for someone to not show up!! But Ever since then, she avoids me unless I bump into her in our building or at the local shops etc.

Bob_22 · ‎29-12-2022

Hi Bbydoll,

Thanks for the update. I'm sorry about your neighbour. I'm glad you were able to get that hamper though. I'm not sure if I remember correctly but are you still planning on starting rehearsals for a play in Feb? 💙

Bob

Bbydoll · ‎29-12-2022

Hi Bob, no it definitely wasn't me. But my male friend is performing one of his plays in February which I'm hoping to go and see.

I realised today that my sister in law's family treated me better than my own family on Christmas day. My gut hasn't been happy the past few days and I'm putting it down to the stress of it all.

My own family was basically telling me that the medication I was taking several years ago was so toxic and has harmful side effects- despite the fact I'm not taking said medication and I haven't for half a dozen years or so. I didn't choose to get sick and this medication is what's prescribed by the specialist doctors, even my GP knows this. I feel like I have to defend myself for taking my own doctor's advice. They don't discuss their concerns or ask me if there's something else I could be doing as part of my treatment- they just lash out. I even had a cousin say that I didn't look sick and that I didn't look haggered. And she then tried to say that is not what she meant. I also told her I planned on growing my hair longer, to which she responded that once you get older (I'll be 50 in a few years time); that long hair tends to look witchy. That didn't bother me as much - because I love having longer hair, it feels more authentically me. I was in a lot of physical pain that day because of my chronic pain, but the only person who realised that was my brother because I was complaining about walking up and down the stairs at my uncle's house. It was hurting my ankle. And had to take some pain medication.

Bbydoll · ‎31-12-2022

It's been years since I've done anything for new years eve. No one invites me anywhere any time. I had a friend I was best friends with in high school, post photos of her and her family at a local waterfront for the 9pm fireworks and it was in my neighbourhood but not hers. Still no invites. I could have met them there and gone back to my home afterwards. It's like I don't exist. I wish I didn't. I only struggle and suffer, and I don't see that changing any time. I actually looked at memories on my Facebook page and how I'd used to be so positive about the upcoming year. But even without the covid problems with had, there's really been nothing to look forward too. Nothing changes. The struggles just get harder.

HelloGail · ‎01-01-2023

Bbydoll, Hi😀

May I say, reading your post made me realise we are not suffering alone. Everything, your family, friends, feelings that no one likes you is exactly me. I usually avoid it shy away from making friends as I have been put down and tossed so many times. It is because I am so amiable, friendly, would go out of my way to help people. My own late mother didn't like me because I was too weak and kind. I have developed a love for bird life in my local area. Some King Parrots know me now and visit regularly, they enjoy the sunflowers and now I am growing them for the first time, sunflowers. They are tall and will flower soon so expect a lot more bird life here. I have thought of joining a bird group but again I know it won't last someone will dislike me and I will curl back inside just like a cat. It would be great if people like us who feel the same and Beyond Blue could organise it would be worthwhile as I would feel better knowing there are people here who are identical to myself. Best of wishes, remember you are not alone feel welcomed to follow any of my posts. I am new here too.

Bbydoll · ‎06-01-2023

Hi Gail, welcome and thanks for sharing your thoughts. I'm sorry to hear that you have similar issues. Life is hard enough, without having any support it's that much harder. Good luck with the flowers and birds!

I'm actually usually quite friendly to most people on meeting them, unless I'm struggling a lot with physical pain. But having to mask my true self for so many years it's that much easier to do it in public. Although with people I trust, the mask falls away. I've accepted that I'm not always going to fit in. I don't have kids, a partner, a job or even pets. And most people don't actually care that I'm struggling with my health (or my mental health).

That doesn't leave a lot for them to ask me about. So I guess it shouldn't be that much of a surprise that I go to shows on my own. I'm on my own 99.5% of the time anyway. I haven't caught covid because I live like a recluse to avoid it. And no one bothers to check up on me, not even my brother. I doubt very much that he reads any of my rants on my Facebook page about my health. Because as far as he's concerned I'm not discussing what I'm dealing with " I'm complaining about it".

I've bought myself a ticket to see Elton John in concert - well I've after paid it! I can't afford it but I'm doing it anyway and have a pretty close seat, it's open air in a stadium, so I really hope the rain stays away. I wish I could bring in some extra money, because I desperately need it for the dental work. I'm pretty sure that tooth will need to be pulled as it looks as though it's rotting away.

Bbydoll · ‎08-01-2023

Another day wasted. On Saturday I did some errands and took along my individual shopping trolley to bring some shopping home. I got to bed around midnight as I was a bit excited about seeing Elton John in concert. I slept about 14 hours and woke up at 230pm. And have been sore and stiff all over because I am not very active normally. I'm so tired of this fatigue. I've been having issues with fatigue since I was a teenager. I was actually diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome and obviously I'm still dealing with it. I've had my thyroid checked out and it's fine. I've had several sleep tests over the years and that hasn't shown anything up. Other than being slightly anaemic, there's really nothing else wrong. I mean, I'm obese and not active much because of my chronic pain... so I don't know how any of that is ever going to get any better. I was thinking about going back to the gym to build up my strength but that seems pointless when it's exhausts me just walking to the gym and back. I'm so sick of struggling with my health issues- it's been all my life and there's no end in sight. I follow the doctor's advice and still suffer daily with chronic pain and fatigue, even if I'm doing something I enjoy. I'm so tired of it all. I'm so tired of doing this without anyone helping. Without a partner- I can't even get a guy to meet up for a coffee, let alone get a relationship. None of them want a fat girl with health issues. Guys don't look at me any more except out of pity.

Bob_22 · ‎10-01-2023

Hi Bbydoll,

Sorry for not replying sooner. I'm sorry to hear about your constant fatigue and physical issues and I hope the concert goes well and rain free. Going to the gym sounds like a great idea. Even walking there and back is still something. I definitely struggle with motivation and doing physical exercise but I find after I've done it that I feel alot better. I also find that my sleep is a little better after moderate exercise. My doctor recommends that I exercise a couple times a week at least but that is just for me specifically.

Bob

james1 · ‎13-01-2023

Hey Bbydoll,

Sorry to hear you are feeling so tired of dealing with the chronic catigue. From what I understand of the issue, it's often really hard to know the cause and it seems that's really frustrating.

When's Elton John? I saw him a few years ago when he came and really enjoyed it!

James

Bbydoll · ‎15-01-2023

Hi Bob, hi James. Elton John was last week. I got a great seat a few days before the show. I am going to be paying it off over several weeks. It was a few hundred dollars, and the lady next to me spent over $1000 for hers. And the woman in front of her stood up and waived her arms in the air - the whole time. It was the farewell to yellow brick road concert and towards the end of the concert, they released yellow rectangular confetti- so yellow brick road confetti- the guy from the couple sitting on the other side of me realised that was what it was. He even had one of his guitarists have his guitar painted with the scene of the yellow brick road album painted on his guitar. I went on my own and am still recovering from it. The queues were huge. This was the first time I'd been to The stadium at Newcastle. The Sydney stadium has toilets at the main entrance, unlike Newcastle's one. The toilets and most of the food and drink carts were on the far side of the stadium and I have chronic pain, and am not good on my feet for extended periods. So struggled immensely. In a few hours, I'm heading to my niece's birthday party. It's going to be a very hot day and my sister In law is picking me up early- and then palming me off to someone else to drive me home, so she can drink. But I know it's an excuse to get someone else to drive me home. Because the next day she will have to drive for work. I have just finished hand designing a birthday card - on a blank craft card for my niece, because I missed out getting to the shops today as I had slept all day. I'm back to sleeping 12 hours or more straight. I know going to the concert didn't help... but I wasn't going to miss out on going because of my fatigue.

As a teenager I was eventually diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome because of the ongoing fatigue as well as having symptoms like joint pain, swollen glands etc. It was like having glandular fever or mono as it's sometimes called but for years and years. The thought I grew out of it but then in my 20s I got bowel issues thrown on top of it and ended up having diarrhoea for months at a time. Eventually diagnosed with crohns disease after multiple hospital visits and surgeries and even being underweight at one point. Them went onto develop a skin condition which I battled for my 30s related to the crohns disease. And now in my 40s have chronic pain and other auto immune conditions on top of the CFS and crohns disease.