I hate this time of year & everything about my life

Bbydoll · ‎23-12-2021

I'm suffering from chronic pain issues; auto immune related issues and a body that is basically falling apart. I have no family around except for a brother (and sister in law,and niece), who would rather spend time with their friends - even though I pushed myself to be there for their daughters birthday. My teeth are rotting because of pain meds and I have no way of paying for them to be fixed.. some are now are in my smile line and the idea of loosing teeth there destroys me. My extended family wanted me to join them on Christmas day except for the fact it would be just breakfast as they want to visit their significant others family (not to mention it's a 4 hour round trip for me on public transport on a public holiday), and I can barely function as I'm suffering from tinnitus and vertigo at the moment on top of my usual health issues. I'm struggling to get through to the rest of the year. I've been reaching out via text message to my closest friend - but he's been avoiding me. My other friend just doesn't believe how bad my mental state is; despite having her own issues with depression and suicide. Every year is another year where nothing is achieved and my "bucket list" is further away from ever happening. Even on the rare occasions I'm out socializing; people avoid me. I seem to just repel people. Having had years and years of people leaving me, it's not like I haven't tried - organizing parties at my place; inviting friends out for a girls night out etc... no one ever bothers returning the favor. No one checks up on me. My online friends only respond to me messaging them - and even that's not a guarantee of a reply. I'm tired of struggling with no support. I'm not living, I'm barely surviving. .. it's like I'm not even here. And I'm sure it wouldn't matter if I wasn't because people in my life just don't seem to care! And it's not like I have anything keeping me here - no partner, no kids, no pets. . Nothing at all.

Bob_22 · ‎11-12-2022

Hi Bbydoll,

Sorry about the delay in getting back to you. Sorry to hear that the charities can't help you out with any of the handbags but again, great job for reaching out. It's good to hear though that your brother has confirmed a day and hopefully its a good sign that he will be on top of organising, fingers crossed.

I empathise alot with you when you say that no one wants to deal with you or is tired of your mental health issues. I have been unwell for a few years and don't really get contacted by any of my old friends, family or colleagues any more. Unfortunately it just seems to be how people are programmed but I've made peace with that. All I can do is focus on myself and my recovery and hopefully be in a place one day that I can support others. You have done all the right things and I'm sure it will only be a matter of time until you can do the same!

Bob

Bbydoll · ‎12-12-2022

Hi Bob, I appreciate your responses and your insight. However, for me, I have to disagree. All my life I've had physical health issues and people giving up on me. It's why there's not many people around me. It's also apparently a trauma response. I'll give you an example, I completed the final 3 years of high school by correspondence because of my health issues- one night I'd organised a dress up themed party for my friends from my old high school. I spent weeks hand making themed decorations and organising my costume. My parents even disappeared to play the pokies whilst we had our party. They came over took some photos, and ate dinner and left. They would rather spend time drinking alcohol and being with their boyfriends than spending a couple of hours with me. Of course my parents came back and were shocked that they had left. Some of these girls are friends with me on Facebook and I regularly post about having tests and being in hospital for surgeries etc. Yet, none of them send me a private message to see how I'm coping or invite me out for a coffee or trip to the movie etc. My uncle was trying to guilt trip me this weekend to spend Christmas day with them but it would mean an early start for me, which I can't do. Then they wonder why I'm not there. They organise everything without any consideration to my needs. This uncle's house is on several levels, I walk with a cane - which they are aware of. There's no handrails and loads of stairs down to his house and the house and gardens are on several more levels. They also want to start early and it takes up to 2 hours of travel to get there. And my brother and his family and I are the furthest living away from the rest of the extended family. They wanted to do breakfast and then presents for the kids. So that the rest of the family can go and see their other families who live in the surrounding suburbs. When we were kids we would spend the whole day with these relatives and arrive about midday. So we could get up and have breakfast and do our Christmas morning with our parents. Now that both of our parents have passed, it's like they'd rather we weren't there as well.

james1 · ‎13-12-2022

Hey Bbydoll,

Thanks for sharing that story about the costume party. It sounds like you put in a lot of effort into the party and the friends, and you feel like that effort is only ever one-sided. That would be so disappointing.

You mentioned a friend earlier who lives in America and you get to talk to regularly. Do you think you'll get to speak to her over Christmas? It seems like family just make Christmas more stressful - I am hoping you might be able to have a more friendly and considerate virtual companion. I think I will try and spend some time with some friends who live in Queanbeyan since their child's birthday is Christmas Day, then have a hopefully relaxing ride back to Sydney on my own, before doing all the family stuff.

James

Bbydoll · ‎17-12-2022

Hi Bob and James, the friend in America is hit and miss when it comes to communicating. She's got a very short attention span as she's usually doing other things - like talking to others or watching TV whilst talking to me. My brother chose the more expensive restaurant despite asking which one I'd prefer. He paid for dinner, so I can't really complain and the food was nice and the lady serving was very sweet towards my niece who was being a bit of a handful. We then drove to another spot to have an ice cream for dessert, but the weather was so windy and cold that but we managed to find a shelter spot to eat them. We them drove around a bit to see some Christmas lights. And then they drove to drop me off. My niece opened my Christmas presents from me and I opened my present from them (which I knew what I was getting). My brother and sister in law decided to wait until Christmas morning to open up the presents I gave them.

My brother was trying to guilt trip me into going down to see my relatives on Christmas day. He doesn't understand how toxic they are to my mental health. He just wants me to "conform" to what everyone else wants. No one else pays any attention to want I actually want. I hate it. Of course I tried to explain why I don't want to go etc. Plus it's going to be a very long day - I already suffer from chronic pain, fatigue and anaemia. Then throw in a messed up digestive system and my gallbladder issues which means, I have to be careful of what I eat, so I don't get a reaction or end up back in hospital!

I would have to leave home by 8am and by home sometime in the afternoon- providing they Don't decide to stay for dinner at my sister in law's family.

My brother said several times to me, let me know if you change your mind about Christmas day - like I didn't hear him the other several times!!

Bob_22 · ‎18-12-2022

Hi Bbydoll,

Thanks for the update. Its great to hear you got to spend the evening with your brother's family. Sounds like it was a good time and hope you enjoyed it. I know your brother was pressuring you but it's perfectly acceptable if you don't want to go to visit the family on christmas day. You have a lot going on not to mention the travel and dietary issues. Christmas can be stressful enough without worrying about those things. Maybe have a think about what you would rather do on christmas day and plan ahead for that? I will be visiting family as well but don't look forward to it as there is alot of tension in family right now. I'm planning to bring some board games to keep myself and cousins distracted at least haha.

Bob

james1 · ‎18-12-2022

Hey Bbydoll,

It sounds like the dinner and dessert were pretty nice. Did you enjoy going to see the Christmas lights? I think I'm going to go with my sister after our Christmas dinner. I was hoping to go on the weekend but it was pretty rainy. I also really wanted to catch the carols on TV but apparently they had them in person, but are only going to show on TV this coming Friday. It seems a bit weird that they're doing it delayed.

It's frustrating that your voice doesn't get heard above everyone else's needs, as yours is just as important. I hope you can find a way to meet your own needs and the pressure you're getting. I think you are right that your brother doesn't understand how toxic they are to your mental health. He might not even know how much more pressure and stress he is creating by asking so often.

I get a similar thing from my mother and I have stopped trying to change her. I just have to find ways to avoid it or ignore the pressure she tries to put on me and my sister. It's okay most of the time, but if I'm not having a good day, that makes things really tough. I can only imagine how hard it is for you to try and balance that with your physical health issues as well.

James

Bbydoll · ‎22-12-2022

Hi Bob and James, I had a very busy morning running around doing some errands- including blood and urine test because of the chills I've had. They're getting worse and my doctor wants to rule out any infections. I'm just worried it's cancer or something because that's what my body would do. The medications I'm on suppress the immune system and then you have an increased risk in getting lymphoma because of the meds alone.

I was reflecting on what my brother said about me coming to the extended family Christmas get together. He said they are all we have left. Yes it maybe uncomfortable but we make the effort. Yet it took him almost 7 months to take me out with his family for a meal and he decided on a different restaurant than I chose. It was a lot more expensive and I suspect it was because his wife isn't to keen on the limited options the restaurant I initially picked had. Both were Japanese restaurants. He makes a big deal about them, yet I rarely see them and they live reasonably close by.

I miss the Christmases we had growing up with spending the whole day with our cousins and swimming and having a lazy day. Now it's spent mostly driving around to different families for a couple of hours and then repeating it.

I'm so sorry to hear that you both have difficulties within your family's expectations as well.

Bbydoll · ‎23-12-2022

Had a special lunch/dinner planned because I am spending Christmas alone. Had it delivered tonight because it was the only option I had due to getting my money on Thursday. I had oysters ( which I ate tonight because I didn't trust that they would be fresh by Christmas day). I planned on having a surf and turf - my favourite kind of steak and some lobster. I never eat this well normally. And was going to do a cream sauce with it. Went to see if the lobsters were thawed and they weren't- so I went to put them back into the fridge and knocked the cream out of the fridge and all over the floor. So I had to mop it all up. And I'm still so exhausted from yesterday's errand running, otherwise I'd go back down to the shops and getting more. Plus I wanted some lemonade to drink to cut through the richness (and I don't drink alcohol). Of course it was all sold out!

I can't even get that right. I hate this. I have no one to help me out. I texted my male friend 10 days ago to try and get him to come over and pick up his birthday present (which was overdue and has been sitting here for months - I wanted him to have it, part of it is a board game and I thought he could use it with his family in his time off work over the Christmas break). I initially said if he couldn't organise that, I'd post it out to him. But have since used up all my pay. So won't have any until January. I bought some take away last night and was a complete waste of money. I don't know if I will see him before the end of the year which sucks. He mentioned last time I saw him that he may loose his licence for a few months- but he didn't even text me back, so I don't know if that was it. I know he isn't very reliable but he means a lot to me, otherwise I'd just walk.

Bbydoll · ‎25-12-2022

Well I made the effort to do Christmas with 2 families today. Most of my own family were happy I'd made the effort to be there. But I had one cousin say that me growing my hair longer would make me look witchy. I don't care. I'm still doing it. She also said I looked well and not haggered. And tried to get others to agree that I looked well. But I'm obviously not. My pain was flaring today but I'm so used to masking it. And whenever I tried to get a word in I would either get ignored or people would talk over the top of me. I spent most of the time being ignored- then as we were leaving, they decided to try and talk to me. We had to leave to go and see my sister in law's family and had lunch with them. They were all older than us, so we're a bit more polite and would engage in talk. Even if it was in small doses.

They even gave me some leftover food to take home, which was nice.

My brother and sister in law's Christmas presents which I gave then 2 weeks ago, are still unopened. They were going to do them this morning but never got around to it. Sad part for me, is that I end up spending more money on their presents than they did on mine - and I'm the one not working.

I'm sunburnt, tired and in a lot of physical pain - I just feel really deflated because no matter how hard I try, I'm always the one coming up short.

Bob_22 · ‎27-12-2022

Hi Bbydoll,

I'm sorry to hear about xmas day. I hope you were able to have your surf and turf though. It sounds like you are making a huge effort to connect with everyone around you which is great. I'm sorry to hear that the effort isn't being reciprocated. How did your blood tests go? I hope everything is okay there.

Bob