I hate this time of year & everything about my life

[Bbydoll]

I'm suffering from chronic pain issues; auto immune related issues and a body that is basically falling apart. I have no family around except for a brother (and sister in law,and niece), who would rather spend time with their friends - even though I pushed myself to be there for their daughters birthday. My teeth are rotting because of pain meds and I have no way of paying for them to be fixed.. some are now are in my smile line and the idea of loosing teeth there destroys me. My extended family wanted me to join them on Christmas day except for the fact it would be just breakfast as they want to visit their significant others family (not to mention it's a 4 hour round trip for me on public transport on a public holiday), and I can barely function as I'm suffering from tinnitus and vertigo at the moment on top of my usual health issues. I'm struggling to get through to the rest of the year. I've been reaching out via text message to my closest friend - but he's been avoiding me. My other friend just doesn't believe how bad my mental state is; despite having her own issues with depression and suicide. Every year is another year where nothing is achieved and my "bucket list" is further away from ever happening. Even on the rare occasions I'm out socializing; people avoid me. I seem to just repel people. Having had years and years of people leaving me, it's not like I haven't tried - organizing parties at my place; inviting friends out for a girls night out etc... no one ever bothers returning the favor. No one checks up on me. My online friends only respond to me messaging them - and even that's not a guarantee of a reply. I'm tired of struggling with no support. I'm not living, I'm barely surviving. .. it's like I'm not even here. And I'm sure it wouldn't matter if I wasn't because people in my life just don't seem to care! And it's not like I have anything keeping me here - no partner, no kids, no pets. . Nothing at all.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Bbydoll,

I am in awe of how much you have to try to manage with your health...and yes sweet lady, you are so right in saying that physical illnesses can badly effect our mental health...You are doing your best...and that’s all anyone can do....

I do understand about low self esteem...I had it for many many years...now I’m trying hard to change that...Self esteem comes from our heart and soul..people (like my late husband) or physical health can really put a damper on it...because we see ourselves very wrong...we see what other people have made us believe..not who we really are...and that’s really sad Bbydoll....Everyone is unique, beautiful and so much deserving of good things happening in their lives...you are one of those people, please try hard to not be so hard on yourself....

I really do hope things work out for you with your male friend...not just written words...I really mean it sweet lady...

Thank you so much for your care in hoping I’m feeling better...that means so much to me..🕊...I do feel much better now...

I know this is going to hard for you to do...Please keep your faith and try to believe that science is finding different ways in treating physical illnesses...My hope and my prayers are that one day very soon..they find something that can help you manage your chronic pain and illnesses better...

Here for you dear Bbydoll...anytime you feel like venting or chatting...I’ll do my very best to help support you..

Kind thoughts, with my care dear Bbydoll...

Grandy..

[james1]

Hey Bbydoll,

How are you going this past week?

I was thinking about something on Thursday and wanted to ask whether you've ever been to a support group for people with chronic illness? I once went to a meet up group for mental health and it was quite nice just to go and do things with people who understood me, even at a really basic level. I also went to some groups for writing where it was nice to just do my hobbies around people who liked doing the same things. I didn't get any long lasting friends, but it was still something nice to do. I'm hoping to find a good book club too, though I need to get into a better reading habit first!

James

[Bbydoll]

I am still waiting for a friend to respond about seeing the show in a couple of weeks time. I get anxious when things are left to the last minute to plan. I tagged her on facebook (as messenger isn't working on my phone) on Saturday as it had been over a week since she said she would check her diary... and nothing.

Also my robe/dress arrived finally today and doesn't look like I thought it would. I can see way too many lumps and bumps and of course it is the biggest size they have. I may have to order shapewear if I can actually get it in my size. Because it looks disgusting on and I have nothing else suitable to wear. I have another dress that fits but it's more suitable for summer as the material is very thin.

I feel sick to my stomach because I am so stressed out about it and no one cares that this is important to me. My brother still has done nothing for my birthday... he told me that his priorities had changed once his daughter was born but I'm clearly not one of them.

[Bbydoll]

Hi James; as a teenager I went to a support group for people with chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS) but I was the youngest person there - so never went back as I didn't fit in. There aren't any groups for chronic health issues here. And honestly the only people who are even close to what I'm going through are online - all over the world. But even then no one has been through what I've been through. I'm on various support groups through Facebook - the individual illness one are fine but the one I'm on for chronic health - I have been mostly ignored on my posts.

I'm not comfortable in a group setting with my mental health that's for sure. My last shrink diagnosed me with depression, anxiety and BPD. Whilst my GP had also diagnosed me with PTSD. Not that it makes any difference because it's like I don't exist. I'm going through the motions and for what???

[Bbydoll]

Went to see my GP yesterday and did grocery shopping afterwards - pulled my granny trolley around the entire time. Got home, had a shower and washed my hair. And wass in bed by 8pm. I woke up in agony with a twisted; cramping foot and stood in a very hot shower until the pain subsided. Eventually got out of bed at midday today. Starving. Had 2 boxes of sushi for lunch and ate a smaller box as well - all delivered. Had a hot chocolate with marshmallows as well. And haven't done anything else all day. Was going to try and see a movie today to use one of the dine and discover vouchers but couldn't get out of bed to do it. My body feels battered and bruised and my left shoulder feels all knotted up. My entire apartment needs a clean up and I still haven't managed to do it. I feel like I am living the same life in repeat. Not getting anywhere.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Bbydoll,

Very well done seeing your GP yesterday..doing some grocery shopping after your appointment...that would be so tiring...,

Oh I do get cramps in the back of my calf muscles, mainly during winter so I can relate to the pain you went through...and the next day, Walking is very different because the cramp seems to have bruised those deep muscles...,I never thought of having a hot shower though...that’s good thinking...maybe I’ll give that a try next time....

Thats okay Bbydoll, not doing anything if you’re not feeling up to it...today I haven’t really left my lounge..except to go to the loo or make a cuppa tea...Just not feeling much of anything today...I think a lot of people do spend a day or two doing nothing much...in my case though..it could be a few extra days...

I often think about how brave I think you are...being able to go and watch a movie in a cinema...is something even though I would love to do...I know I am unable to..it would send me into a high anxiety state....I am sorry that you didn’t get their today....

Bbydoll...That’s okay with your apartment....One thing at a time, even doing one task a day will eventually make a difference in your apartment....A gentle reminder dear Bbydoll....we can only do what we can do each day...and if that means that for that day...your living in survival mode..you done a great job by getting through the day....If it means laying around all day on your lounge/bed, having Uber eats delivered....so be it..for that day....you have done your best..and that’s all we can do....Everyday is a new day and brings with it new hope... that things will change for us...We have to believe in this and never ever loose hope...

My kindest thoughts, sweet Bbydoll.. with my care.

Grandy..

[Bbydoll]

Thanks Grandy... I appreciate your support and kind words; but I've spent all of Saturday sleeping and it's now 830pm and I haven't eaten anything since about midnight last night. My back hurts and my eyes are glued together. . I'm going to get up go to the bathroom and then try and get something to eat and drink .. this is crazy but I'm glad it's a long weekend and that no one expects anything from me!!!

[james1]

Ah, it sounds like you've already given a lot of support groups a try in the past and they haven't really worked out for you. That is a shame. I hope that perhaps they will change and it might be something that seems more helpful in the future. At least the individual illness ones are okay, even if they don't quite fit your situation. I used to go to an anxiety meet-up even though I mostly suffered from depression, because I just found the people were more accepting of me. So while we couldn't fully relate, it was nice to not just be ignored or treated like I was nobody.

I'm really sorry to hear you were feeling so battered last week and over the weekend. How are you doing this week?

James

[Bbydoll]

Hi James, thanks for understanding. It means a lot! I had a facial this morning and used my dine and discover vouchers - for a free sushi lunch. So spoilt myself a bit. I was supposed to have a massage as well but the beautician cancelled it - that was a bit unfortunate as I could have done with it. My body is still tight but so far better than it was last week. I'm having some of my grey hair dyed and a long overdue proper hair cut on Monday - for when I see moulin rouge. I had a charity hair cut (for free) several months ago and the lady butchered my hair.. so it will be nice to have it cut and styled for the show. I'm uncertain still if I am going on my own or with someone - so I have sent an email off to the lady I invited over 2 weeks ago. She said she'd check her diary and no reply. It makes me very anxious not knowing as I like to be highly organized beforehand - as I have limited energy, so the last thing I want is to leave it until the last moment to get stuff done! I'm also hoping she will drive us there - but if not we can catch the train and light rail. I'm thinking of trying to get a new phone before the show.. but it won't be the one I actually want as it is exxy. My GP actually wants me to get a new phone so he can send my scripts to it rather than just printing them up!! He said that I could get one for $100 but I haven't seen any at that price point and I can't get a new plan - to pay off another phone because I had some late payments on my phone! It's a joke. My eating the past week or so has gotten worse as has my sleeping patterns - I feel flat and unmotivated and my health is being affected because of bad choices. It doesn't help that my 2 closest friends are AWOL and I am being completely ignored by them. I know that my guy friend is heavily into rehearsals and my female friend is probably busy with work but it doesn't take much to send one measly text... when I KNOW they both have their phones with them.

[Bbydoll]

It's been over 24 hours since I sent an email AND a message on Facebook to the woman I'd invited to see moulin rouge and still no word. I had previously told her about filling in the seat etc if she doesn't come and I can't find anyone else to then someone from the audience fills it. She replied on the Facebook post saying that she would read the email and she had been unwell. In it I'd asked her to text me and no response to the email and no text either.

I'm so angry and frustrated and upset... I ordered more take away food. Prawn pad thai and a vegetable omelet. Plus chicken satay skewers which is the only thing that I have eaten but shouldn't have because it had nuts and the sauce was full of oil - all of which I shouldn't have eaten because of my gallstones. Tomorrow is Sunday and I am running out of time to find someone to take with me and I guess that I shouldn't be surprised because I am no one's priority or even friend. I had a friend interstate to send me some cute butterfly earrings and a butterfly hanging ornament as a belated birthday present and of course she can't come out for the show.