I hate this time of year & everything about my life

[Bbydoll]

I'm suffering from chronic pain issues; auto immune related issues and a body that is basically falling apart. I have no family around except for a brother (and sister in law,and niece), who would rather spend time with their friends - even though I pushed myself to be there for their daughters birthday. My teeth are rotting because of pain meds and I have no way of paying for them to be fixed.. some are now are in my smile line and the idea of loosing teeth there destroys me. My extended family wanted me to join them on Christmas day except for the fact it would be just breakfast as they want to visit their significant others family (not to mention it's a 4 hour round trip for me on public transport on a public holiday), and I can barely function as I'm suffering from tinnitus and vertigo at the moment on top of my usual health issues. I'm struggling to get through to the rest of the year. I've been reaching out via text message to my closest friend - but he's been avoiding me. My other friend just doesn't believe how bad my mental state is; despite having her own issues with depression and suicide. Every year is another year where nothing is achieved and my "bucket list" is further away from ever happening. Even on the rare occasions I'm out socializing; people avoid me. I seem to just repel people. Having had years and years of people leaving me, it's not like I haven't tried - organizing parties at my place; inviting friends out for a girls night out etc... no one ever bothers returning the favor. No one checks up on me. My online friends only respond to me messaging them - and even that's not a guarantee of a reply. I'm tired of struggling with no support. I'm not living, I'm barely surviving. .. it's like I'm not even here. And I'm sure it wouldn't matter if I wasn't because people in my life just don't seem to care! And it's not like I have anything keeping me here - no partner, no kids, no pets. . Nothing at all.

[Bbydoll]

Thank you Shelley and Grandy for the birthday wishes and kind words.

Today went better than expected. I wore some of my favorite clothes and sentimental jewelry. And caught a train down - early enough for me to walk into an op shop and buy some beautiful lace place mats as well as some embroidered ones as well. I almost bought a full length (fake) fur coat. It fitted me beautifully but one of the clasps was broken and they were charging $150 for it! A bit steep for me... although had it been cheaper I might have bought it!

The psychic reading went amazingly well. And I heard some very promising insight for July, August and September. Also some good signs for my love life and health... which is nice because neither have been doing that great. I'm exhausted from walking around and my head is aching again tonight - so I'm hoping that I'm not coming down with anything! I completely forgot to ask him about friendships in general - as I've been ignored again by most of them!! The guy doing the reading wants me to explore more of my psychic side and has suggested a weekly get together for me to learn - so we shall see. It's on a sunday afternoon and buses aren't very frequent (and it's to far for a taxi. And not on the train line).

I then did a bit of grocery shopping. Bought myself a dozen oysters and a dozen large tiger prawns and ate them under a big tree next to the water. It was very busy there, as it was lunch time and beautiful weather.. so I probably looked odd being on my own. But I did it anyways.

I also bought myself some (discounted) yellow roses.

Although it was expensive for me to do the reading it was exactly what I needed - as I've been clasping at straws for a very long time. It's easy for others to try and tell me that things will get better for me and maybe they will in time. But having this done today - it felt more concrete. He had insight in my romantic relationships that most people wouldn't understand. And I honestly don't care if people are put off by it or think it's a bit out there. If I'm open to it; who knows where it will end up!

[Sophie_M]

Hi Bbydolll!
Just very quickly before the day disappears, we wanted to make sure we also said happy birthday! Also, to thank you for continuing to be a member and collaborator of our community here online!

It is nice to read you had a good day, and we hope there will be even more family and friend time before the week is out. 

Have a lovely, happy, and safe year until the next birthday!

Regards,

Sophie M

[Bbydoll]

Thanks Sophie for your kind words. Unfortunately I don't speak to most of my family. And the latest few texts I've sent to several friends and a cousin - none of which they have responded to. And I have said various things to them. Checking up on my closest friends. Asked my cousin for a recommendation on a product. Inviting an old friend out for a catch up ... it's hard because I don't feel like a priority to any of them. And I know they have lots going on but it takes seconds to reply.

I have no idea when I'll see my brother as he pretty much ignores me during the year - the last time I saw him and his wife and daughter - was my birthday last year. When mum passed away unexpectedly in march - I had to hang out with them to organize everything. Last year I reached out to my brother asking if I could stay over at their place one weekend (they had plenty of room).. but said no. Yet earlier that day they were organizing to meet up with their best friends. So I know that I don't really matter to him; or else he'd make time to see me.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Bbydoll,

I am so happy for you that you found something beautiful to buy for yourself on your birthday...Lace really is beautiful and I do like it so much...especially the old style lace...

I was a bit concerned about your reading today...It’s fantastic news that it went amazing for you....Sounds like you have some good times ahead of you....keep your belief in what your psychic said...

Your lunch sounds very yummy....sitting under a tree and enjoying it in the open air adds to making it very special....I’m pleased you had beautiful weather today...I’m really so proud of you...getting out and buying yourself something nice for your birthday and enjoying the day the way you wanted to.....

Can I ask you dear Bbydoll, do you have an interest in psychic readings, tarot cards etc....I have a set of tarot cards that I use sometimes, to help guide me when I’m down....

Okay sweet lady, I am about to go to bed now....I need to get up early for my volunteer job tomorrow...Sleep well dear friend....with dreams of pixies and fairies...

I hope tomorrow will be a good day for you....

my kind thoughts, care and a couple more birthday hugs..💜🤗🤗..Looking forward to chatting again soon...

Grandy..

[james1]

Hey Bbydoll

Happy Birthday! I haven't had a chance to catch up on the last few days of posts, but I'm glad to hear you had a surprisingly nice day today. The yellow roses sound nice too.

Take care for now, it's a bit late for me on a Sunday night. Just thought I'd pop by and wish you a happy birthday before too late!

James

[Bbydoll]

Thank you James and Grandy for the kind words. I've been feeling emotionally today. Yet another friend letting me down. I'm still trying to find someone to take to see moulin Rouge. I hadn't been in touch much; but neither had he and he basically wished me luck in moving forward - and he had informed me that he has moved up north and bought a second house up there and won't be able to meet at all.. I obviously had no idea that he had moved. I met this guy in the early 2000s and he became an older brother figure to me.. so it was quite a shock. Because it feels like he was ending the friendship (he knows that my health hasn't been great). And of course his response was several days after I'd sent it. I still haven't heard back from 6 other people in my life. These people are a mix of family and friends - all of which know that I don't have great health, yet couldn't be bothered to respond to one lousy text.

It makes me feel like I'm not important and that they don't want me in their lives. I wish they'd tell me this; I feel so stupid for caring so much about this. And of course this opens the door to more negative voices in my head. I've over spent and completely forgotten about saving for a phone which is stupid because I obviously use it everyday and it has been falling apart for months.

I've realized today how much I don't trust that any good things will happen for me. For example my close guy friend knows that I have feelings for him. And for as long as I've known him - I've felt drawn to him. We had an instant connection the day we met. And although he's been in serious relationships we have grown closer and he has tried to slyly kiss me on a few occasions. (I did previously tell him that I didn't want to be anyone's seconds!). And in November he kissed me again. I didn't respond, mostly I was shocked - we were in my apartment and his partner and son were downstairs in his car at the time. And it's not that I didn't want to respond, I just don't want to get caught up in an affair. I would have walked away from the friendship if I didn't feel such a deep connection to him. It feels like he is the only person who completely understands me + obviously there's a mutual attraction as well. I haven't got a great track record with relationships - yet the reader yesterday and my best friend who lives in America are sure that I'll have a relationship with this guy. I'm struggling to not stress about it, because I really do want this!

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Bbydoll,

Sorry that I haven’t been around to talk to you for a few days...I volunteer Monday and Tuesday’s plus I had my flu jab yesterday and I’m not feeling that good right now....hopefully this will pass soon...

Please don’t let the negative inner voice of yours to tell you that your not important, because to me you are...I think that sometimes people can get caught up with their own lives, family etc and not be as responsive to us as we hope they would be....I am sorry this is happening to you...The same thing happened with my children...until something that happened to my daughter in law..(brain cancer) that they realised...hey I’ve got a mum to reach out to...since then our relationship has changed a lot...even though I don’t see them..they do ring me at times...

Like you sweet Bbydoll, I care a lot for all the people in my life, friends and family....and do get walked on a lot...I have learnt to accept that some people will use me....It’s been like this my entire life...I think because they know that I forgive very easily.....and will always be their for them..regardless of the way they treat me...you are a very caring person and gets hurt very deeply like me...when we feel used and abandoned....

Sweet Bbydoll....I always believe...that if it’s meant to be or happen...it will, and nothing in this universe will stop it from happening...I think you setting boundaries with your male friend was very respectful both for you and his partner...It would have been hard, since you both have feelings for each other.....I really don’t know how to advise you concerning your male friend....I had only one marriage, no other relationships....and my marriage was to a cruel and nasty narcissist man...that latest 38years...I do hope someone reading here with more relation knowledge will pop in to talk to you...

My kindest thoughts and care for you sweet Bbydoll...💜🤗.

Grandy...

[Bbydoll]

Hi Grandy, hope you are feeling better and thank you for your kind words and support.

I'm doing the best I can with what I am dealing with.

What my previous post was trying to say was that I feel like I don't deserve the good things in my life because of my low self esteem but also because I have had years of struggling and find it hard to believe it will ever get better. Obviously I want that. And I want a relationship with my male friend who is also the closest person in my life.

[Chris_Tas]

Your health can be managed medically but your self-esteem can be managed by yourself.

There is no reason you don't deserve the "good" things in life (whatever they are)

The way we feel can be influenced by the way in which we think, so continuing to work on those thoughts I'm extremely confident you will succeed.

Chris

[Bbydoll]

With all due respect, Chris. I have no quality of life because of my physical health ailments. I'm in physical pain every day. Spend weeks in hospital. Have ongoing complications because of all the surgeries/medications that I have had etc. Every 10 years or so; new issues arise. I can't work or study on campus. I spend a lot of time sleeping due to fatigue.

I'm not being managed because I am still struggling - that's the thing with chronic conditions. They never end. And they continue to cause problems. It would be a completely different story if it was one condition or one illness. But it's not and there are no cures for what I have. It's a never ending cycle of medications/doctor appointments/hospitalizations/surgeries etc. I have had health issues all my life and will continue to do so.

This is the main reason for my mental health issues - on top of which I have no one to support me.. or even want to spend time with me etc.