I hate this time of year & everything about my life

[Bbydoll]

I'm suffering from chronic pain issues; auto immune related issues and a body that is basically falling apart. I have no family around except for a brother (and sister in law,and niece), who would rather spend time with their friends - even though I pushed myself to be there for their daughters birthday. My teeth are rotting because of pain meds and I have no way of paying for them to be fixed.. some are now are in my smile line and the idea of loosing teeth there destroys me. My extended family wanted me to join them on Christmas day except for the fact it would be just breakfast as they want to visit their significant others family (not to mention it's a 4 hour round trip for me on public transport on a public holiday), and I can barely function as I'm suffering from tinnitus and vertigo at the moment on top of my usual health issues. I'm struggling to get through to the rest of the year. I've been reaching out via text message to my closest friend - but he's been avoiding me. My other friend just doesn't believe how bad my mental state is; despite having her own issues with depression and suicide. Every year is another year where nothing is achieved and my "bucket list" is further away from ever happening. Even on the rare occasions I'm out socializing; people avoid me. I seem to just repel people. Having had years and years of people leaving me, it's not like I haven't tried - organizing parties at my place; inviting friends out for a girls night out etc... no one ever bothers returning the favor. No one checks up on me. My online friends only respond to me messaging them - and even that's not a guarantee of a reply. I'm tired of struggling with no support. I'm not living, I'm barely surviving. .. it's like I'm not even here. And I'm sure it wouldn't matter if I wasn't because people in my life just don't seem to care! And it's not like I have anything keeping me here - no partner, no kids, no pets. . Nothing at all.

[Bbydoll]

Hi Grandy, I used to eat a particular food years ago - but they changed the ingredients in it. . And it's not the same. So of course binge eating yesterday and today will mean that my weight will balloon - because that is all that I can do lately. I'm supposed to be loosing some because nothing fits properly and I'm running out of clothes to wear. All the weight is sitting on my waist. So I am like a 26 or 28 there and a 20 in the rest of my top half of me. My apartment is still a complete mess and still has a cockroach problem despite the big clean up. And I still have a pile of mums clothes to go through. My birthday tomorrow will be a week away.

Next month I will finally see my new surgeon about getting my gallbladder and gallstones out.. then it will be just up to when they can actually get me into hospital to do it. I already have a feeling because of my size and because of previous abdominal surgeries that they will need a bigger incision to remove my gallbladder. So will probably need a few days in hospital. Next week I'll be getting my flu shot.

But other than that not much else is happening at the moment.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Bbydoll,

Thats okay lovely lady...take your time with your mums clothes...only when you feel up to it...

I am happy for you that you will finally see your new surgeon...fingers crossed sweetheart that you will be admitted quickly...I do hope that you do stay in hospital for a few days after your surgery...That way you can be well cared for and have a little rest....

I am not far off you...I’m 18 top half and 20-22 pants...I don’t like my size but have accepted it....On top of taking my depression tabs and anxiety meds, I have heart disease and the meds for that is to slow my heart down which also slows my inner body workings down as well, which makes my movements quite slow....It’s a catch 22 situation....

I am lucky where I live...there are no cockroaches at all...but I remember before we moved here..My neighbour treated there house for cockroaches and then the cockroaches decided to move into our home....I ended up getting rid of them...with a surface spray...Where I live now, is more mice...we had a massive mice plague last year....that was horrible...

Is it your birthday tomorrow?...I will definitely call in tomorrow if that’s okay...

Please lovely Bbydoll...Try hard to not be to hard on yourself...We can only do our best and what I have read here on your thread...you are certainly doing that and much more...

Today...my friend picked me up to vote..drove me home and that’s about all I’ve done today...I am always at a loss of what I should do each day.....I really have no idea, so I’m usually just laying around on my lounge or in bed...

I love your forum name...do you like dolls?...I used to collect them once...

Just sitting next to...If that’s okay...with my kind thoughts and my care... also if it’s okay with you ...a warm comfy hug 🤗....

Grandy..,

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Bbydoll,

Just calling in to see how you are today..and to wish you a Happy Birthday...

I am not sure if it’s today or a week from today...either way it doesn’t matter..if it’s a week from today..then I’ll wish you another happy Birthday....

I have never been to a musical at all...I do imagine that the costumes would be awesomely colourful...and seeing in person the singers and performers would be amazing...I do hope you do go....then you can tell me all about it ..if you want to that is...no pressure lovely lady...

Oh for your birthday I virtually made you some beautiful silk flowers 💐 and placed them in a crystal vase...if you place the crystal vase near a window, where the sun comes in...it will catch the sunlight and as it passes through the crystal..you will have hundreds of iridescent tiny little colourful dots...dancing around your ceiling and walls...

I do hope today is a good day for you...regardless of what you’re doing..

Be kind to your lovely soul...

My kind thoughts with my care dear Bbydoll...and a warm caring hug.🤗🤗.

Grandy..

[Bbydoll]

Hi Grandy, my birthday is next sunday. My nickname is from a song. I prevoted by mail; so I didn't have to stand in line for hours; as it's difficult for me to do that. And I posted it back on the day before my tests in hospital. The silk flowers and vase sound lovely!

I have tried numerous sprays and different baits for the cockroaches but nothing seems to kill them off; it's very frustrating.

I've been watching a movie on tv and still binge eating - I had thought that part of my life was over but I guess that I was wrong because it is out of control.

The thing I like about musicals is the experience of the whole thing! Yes it's the performers and costumes but it's also the stage production and props; the music and the orchestra etc... and seeing as though I have seen so many - I love seeing how different each show (and sometimes different productions of the same musical) - for example I have seen phantom of the opera at Theatre Royal in Sydney in the 90s; I have seen it on broadway in America; I have seen it done by a local theatre production; I saw it this year on Sydney Harbour and will see it later in the year at the Opera House - each production has a different cast/crew/location/costumes etc so it all plays into it. And they are all different versions of the same show!!!

I am waiting on the shipment of a robe that I want to wear to the musical for my belated birthday. It has sequins on it and I want to wear it like a wrap dress - unfortunately I initially bought the wrong size- I sent it back and I am waiting for the replacement. If I don't get it; I don't know what I will wear because I don't have anything really dressy enough to wear. And tryingto find anything to fit is an absolute nightmare because I am so fat.

[Ggrand]

Hello Bbydoll..

The way you described musicals makes it sound like fun...I can hear in your words how much you enjoy them...Maybe one day, I’ll get to go to one...

I am sure that eventually you’ll get binge eating back under control...you did it before...and I believe you can do it again...I find if I keep my hands busy, while I’m sitting still..it helps me to not feel like a snack...A few years ago, I looked into ‘beanies for cancer”..that’s where people knit beanies then donate and send them to the address shown on their website...Oh I started a few, but never finished them...Hmm story of my life...starting something but not finishing.....now arthritis in my fingers makes it hard...so I usually just try to slowly colour in those new adult colouring book...

I really do hope that your dress arrives in time for your night out...I like sequins, adds sparkle to the dress...fingers crossed for you lovely lady....I think it would be very exciting to go somewhere where you dress up in formal clothes....Thinking about it I just realised that I have never been anywhere that requires formal dress...

Oh....I got it wrong...your birthday...that’s okay though....that means I can do it all again next Sunday...

Thinking of you lovely Bbydoll, with a lot of warmth and care....

Grandy...

[james1]

Hello Bbydoll,

Aha! We were at the same show! I know! It was so impressive that they kept on going. Wasn't it so funny how Christine gets her cup filled, but it was raining so hard, she was basically just collecting water? I really wanted to stay and thank them for sticking it out as long as they did, but you could barely see past a few metres lol.

I put my $50 vouchers towards the Opera house show later this year. I'm really keen. Like you, I think my first phantom show put me onto musicals for my life since. I'm really glad you are getting to see these and enjoy something you really enjoy. I imagine with all your health problems, it must be nice to even just have a bit of that to yourself to enjoy.

How did your hospital visit go last week? I don't mean to pry, but you mentioned before that you don't get to talk to many people about your health, so I just wanted to make sure you knew you have a place here if that's what you want to do.

I will be away later this week but hopefully back on Saturday night, so if I don't catch you before then, I hope you have a lovely birthday and enjoy Moulin Rouge. I'm meant to go in June I think, so let me know how it is!

James

[Bbydoll]

Hi James, I stayed for the entirety of that phantom show. And just as they said that it was all over and done for that night.... phantom came out and thanked the audience for staying behind. I walked back towards St. James station and the rain completely stopped!!!! But it was clear that the damage had been done by then as the rain was pooling and causing some problems etc.

My hospital tests etc went better than expected - I was due to have a minor surgical procedure but when I came out of the operating theatres they told me that they just took some biopsies instead. Which is great... however I am a bit unwell now because I have unfortunately missed some medication and think that I might be going into a flare. So will have to chase up my specialist doctor to organize this. I am also having my flu shot tomorrow.

Getting out to see my shows; gives me something to look forward to but also gives me an opportunity to just zone out for a few hours (of healthy) escapism.

I'm actually seeing Moulin Rouge in June because I wanted to have seats in the can can section... part of the stage gets locked around you - rather exxy but it is for my birthday after all!!!

Grandy - I do have some adult colouring books too - unfortunately my light bulbs have blown in my living room and I can't change them due to the height of the ceilings here... I usually have my male friend come and fix these when it happens... but he is out of action whilst he battles covid.. and I definitely can't risk being near him when he is sick. But I will think about getting them out soon...

I have been struggling with motivation over the past 24 hours with food - eating take out food which isn't a good idea because of my gallstones. I didn't even enjoy the food as I felt guilty and have had a tummyache and just felt horrible after it.

[Ggrand]

Hello lovely Bbydoll,

It’s so good to hear from you 💜..

It good that your hospital tests were better then you expected...and you only had a biopsy....It’s not good that you missed out on some meds...I really do hope that you can get hold of your specialist Doctor very soon, so they can organise things to stop you going into a “flare”....Extra good luck today with your flu shot....I don’t see my Dr until the end of June as she is on leave....I was offered another Dr. while she is on leave....but no..no way I can see anyone else..It took me a long time for me to trust her...so I’ll wait..for my flu shot until she gets backs....

Oh no....my bedroom light has been blown for over a year..I don’t have anyone here that can replace it for me...I can’t go up the ladder high enough due to bursitis and arthritis in my hips....I use a small lamp to light it up, enough to get into bed, when I use my bed...I get a fear of going to bed sometimes...(caused by some trauma)..so it’s mostly the lounge for me...

I’m wondering if you have a small lamp, that you can use to do some colouring in....just my thoughts Bbydoll..My books are mostly fairies, flowers and country sceneries...I like the ones with the black backgrounds...

Do you have any easy access to the sun...Like a balcony, yard or a park?...I do like to sit in the winter sun...and colour some pages...I even tried drawing once...My drawings are like a 2 year olds..no offence to the young toddlers at all....

Please sweet lady...after your flu shot today..do take it easy and not use the poor arm that was used too much....for such a little needle..it really does hurt doesn’t it?..

I’ve seen Moulin Rouge on TV...lit would be awesome to see it on stage...I really do hope with all my heart that you have a wonderful time..you so much deserve to have some happy times in your life....Do you have like a scrap book thingy, that you could paste pictures in and write down how you felt and the happy vibes that you felt while you were watching the show....I found a new scrap book in amongst the donations from work..I bought it yesterday and am Thinking to try and start doing that....Hmm wonder if I’ll complete it...then again I suppose it will be on going for a while...

My kindest thoughts sweet Bbydoll...with my care and a hug 🤗..

Grandy..

[Chris_Tas]

Forums help because they are easy to talk to to make you feel good.

Taking action is much harder and I strongly encourage you to do so.

[james1]

Hey Bbydoll,

How are you feeling today? Sounds like the missed medication and missed flu shot may be messing around with you a bit.

It's good to hear that they only needed to take some biopsies and not do the surgery. Hopefully it can stay that way, at least until you feel much better.

It sounds like your seats for moulin rouge are going to be really nice! What a nice treat 🙂 Grandy's scrapbook suggestion is a nice one. My sister used to like to keep all her ticket stubs for the same reason.

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling with motivation. I also find eating well is one of the first 'casualties' when I feel stressed or sad, and it sometimes does lead to that cycle that you've mentioned with guilt and not enjoying the food. Please take care and take it easy on yourself. We're only human after all, and some days are just harder than others.

James