I hate this time of year & everything about my life

[Bbydoll]

I'm suffering from chronic pain issues; auto immune related issues and a body that is basically falling apart. I have no family around except for a brother (and sister in law,and niece), who would rather spend time with their friends - even though I pushed myself to be there for their daughters birthday. My teeth are rotting because of pain meds and I have no way of paying for them to be fixed.. some are now are in my smile line and the idea of loosing teeth there destroys me. My extended family wanted me to join them on Christmas day except for the fact it would be just breakfast as they want to visit their significant others family (not to mention it's a 4 hour round trip for me on public transport on a public holiday), and I can barely function as I'm suffering from tinnitus and vertigo at the moment on top of my usual health issues. I'm struggling to get through to the rest of the year. I've been reaching out via text message to my closest friend - but he's been avoiding me. My other friend just doesn't believe how bad my mental state is; despite having her own issues with depression and suicide. Every year is another year where nothing is achieved and my "bucket list" is further away from ever happening. Even on the rare occasions I'm out socializing; people avoid me. I seem to just repel people. Having had years and years of people leaving me, it's not like I haven't tried - organizing parties at my place; inviting friends out for a girls night out etc... no one ever bothers returning the favor. No one checks up on me. My online friends only respond to me messaging them - and even that's not a guarantee of a reply. I'm tired of struggling with no support. I'm not living, I'm barely surviving. .. it's like I'm not even here. And I'm sure it wouldn't matter if I wasn't because people in my life just don't seem to care! And it's not like I have anything keeping me here - no partner, no kids, no pets. . Nothing at all.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Bbydoll,

I'm glad that you're here and sharing what's been going on for you; it sounds like it's been hard and I can understand why it doesn't feel fair and that you feel bitter and angry.

One of the things I'm thinking about while reading your post is that you talk about how alone you are and how nobody cares- and look at all the people who have jumped into your post! Yes, they may come and go- but that's not personal, but I think maybe there's a part of you that's forgotten or doesn't realise that people are coming to offer support because they want to and they do care about you.

rt

[Bbydoll]

Romantic_thi3f, I appreciate anyone reading and commenting on my post. And the feedback etc. But nothing changes for me and this all started because the end of the year/Christmas is a difficult time for me... but then this year has been a shockingly bad one for me. I always think oh maybe next year will be better - but it never is. I'm cold and tired and still unmotivated - I'm having a couple of individual cakes delivered (which I shouldn't be eating because of the gallstones) and a loaf of bread. Because I'm running out of food here.

James1; I'm sorry to hear about your friend. But I guess her - like me; not many people will understand what it's like to deal with ongoing complex problems. Another reason I feel so isolated. Because no one else can relate to what I'm dealing with.

The most ironic part of all of this is most people in my life don't know the extent of my mental health issues because they can't even deal with the physical side of things. I mean I don't even have any visitors when I am stuck in hospital for a week. I post on Facebook what I'm dealing with because of friend's overseas get worried if I don't post regularly. .. they have more concern about me than the rest of the people in my life!

[Bbydoll]

Ate ribs and 2 chocolate slices for lunch and had them delivered. Of course my gut isn't too happy about any of it. Washing it down with fizzy drink. Have texted my male friend about the musical - seeing as though it's been 10 days since we spoke about him coming to the show with me. I just need to know if he is coming or not as I'll need to make other arrangements otherwise. It's also been 10 days since I texted my female friend and so far nothing from her either.

I have done nothing all week and that includes not picking up parcels at the post office or making any medical phone calls etc.

Had lunch delivered again - and the lady just dumped everything at the front door of the building despite me giving instructions about it - as I live in an apartment building. I have had to put in a formal complaint because people steal here... which is why I'm so pedantic about things like this. I mean it's supposed to be a food delivery service to begin with.

Everything seems like such an effort!!!!

My knees hurt. My head hurts and I'm probably goingto lie down because there is nothing on free to air tv daytime. And I don't have any of the other services obviously either

[Bbydoll]

Well I picked up the parcels finally from the post office. And did some grocery shopping this morning and have been in recovery mode all day because of it. I finally heard back from my male friend who can't make it to the musical. So I've texted my female friend who is currently AWOL... so I don't really hold much hope for her. So I'm running out of options fast. And because of the nature of the rare (read expensive) nature of the seats - if I can't find someone to come with me. Then they will have a random person from the audience to sit in the extra seat; despite me paying for both seats!!!!! I can't even get people to come out with me even if I pay for their tickets (or buy them drinks) etc - which is why I mostly go on my own. That's how pathetic my life is. I'm not a priority in anyone else's life and no one bothers to invite me out either. I get that most people have kids and other obligations but they don't even do an invite for coffee and chat or an invite for me to come over for a meal at their place. .. nothing. Zilch!! And it's not like I have many opportunities to meet people when I can't work; or study in person. So I have very little interactions with people because most people don't like me or want to invest in my time. And I don't whinge and complain about everything in person either. And I don't discuss my health unless they ask about it. With the exception of my male friend who lets me open up about it. I just hope that I can find someone who is willing to come along with me. It's a $300 ticket!!! And the last time I spent that money was to see phantom of the opera on Sydney harbour... it doesn't happen very often - and at least that time it was only one ticket.

My male friend is in 2 local shows which I will probably end up seeing. It's the least I can do as he's one of the few people who support me... plus I might get to have a chat with him afterwards and if I'm lucky he'll drive me home too... especially if it's in the winter months. His wife doesn't like our friendship but she was actually sweet to me last time I saw them after a show; because I think she could see how much I was struggling to move. Chronic pain + chronic health issues + being fat = hard to move especially when I'm tired/in pain/cold = most days. And I had to get there by public transport as I don't drive.

[james1]

Hey Bbydoll

I'm so sorry to hear your friends may not be able to go to the musical with you. It sounds like your male friend gets pretty busy sometimes, so it's nice that you can at least talk to him about your health and hopefully can see him at his shows.

Did you see phantom on the harbour this year? How'd you find it? I went as well and I went to the only show that got rained out!! But I will be seeing it again in the opera house and I'm super keen. I saw it the first time when Anthony Warlow was the phantom like 8 years ago.

[Bbydoll]

Hi James1, I haven't seen my male friend since November and yes he does get overwhelmed when he is busy.

Yes!!!! I was at that show too. I was in the cheap seats. And felt sorry for Christine and the Phantom trying to carry on despite getting drenched. I ended up in hospital a few days later because of gallstone issues and spent another week there. So because they gave us a $50 voucher to use for another opera, I put that towards treating myself to an expensive seat and was lucky that it remained completely dry through out the entire show. AND I am going to the opera house one too - because I bought that ticket before the other one. My first phantom show was back in the 90s at Theater Royal in Sydney - my mum loved the music and would crank it up (I was in high school at the time and had lots of days at home because of ill health). And she decided that she wanted to go to it; on the last day of the show. We ended up sitting in the foyer for 8 hours to see if we could get 2 tickets and was lucky enough to get them. Then I understood the appeal of the show and music. And have loved it ever since!

Tomorrow I'm heading back to hospital for a colonoscopy and exploratory surgery. Crohns disease is no fun. It's only a day procedure thankfully; so I can sleep in my own bed.

2 days ago I started to do a big clean in my apartment - even started sorting out some of mum's clothes and items - threw out about 6 garbage bags of stuff and it doesn't look much better. Unfortunately her clothes are too worn to be passed on to Op shops. I ended up sleeping most of today. But had to make some calls this afternoon and decided to go to the shops to run some errands - because it will give me a few days to recuperate and not have to worry about getting down there. I also brought in a load of washing and hung out another load out. And will be getting to bed early -as an early start tomorrow.

[Chris_Tas]

Considering I know a fair bit about this, what are you are actively doing to change your mindset?

[Bbydoll]

Hi Chris_Tas, for most of my adult life I've been in therapy and on and off antidepressants. As mentioned above have done distraction therapy/mindfulness etc. None of which has done much long term because the underlying cause of most of my mental health issues are caused by my health issues that are chronic in nature.

[Bbydoll]

So I've just eaten a whole lot. On top of lunch and breakfast. So I am probably heading for trouble with my gallstones. Clearly my binge eating is back out of control. My male friend is into his second week of covid and I don't know if he will be able to do his shows - so I have no idea when I will be seeing him. I texted my brother about having my tests in hospital and of course no responses to any of my messages. My female friend responded to my text messages about the tests in hospital but not the ones in regards to the musical. It will be my birthday soon - and so far nothing is planned for the actual day and I can't get anyone to come with me the show either. And to top it off this stupid phone is taking forever to charge and lucky to last an hour or two if I'm online

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Bbydoll,

I am sorry to hear that your male friend has COVID I do hope he recovers well without any symptoms of long COVID...

I used to binge eat...in a way I still do when I’m really down...which makes me feel unwell...Isn’t it sad how our mind keeps trying to destroy us...i mean it’s a part of us...we should be able to control our minds...not the other way around!....I suppose we have to keep trying hard to take control...I often wonder if it’s at possible to be completely in charge of us...

Its nice that your friend responded to your text msgs about your tests...I think it does show that she does care about you..

I applaud you with having a big clean up in your apartment...If I start cleaning out my house...I get so overwhelmed that I end up throwing out things that I didn’t want to...(triggers).....then I end up sad and down on myself....well done for doing that...so sorry Bbydoll sorting through your beautiful mums clothes, would have been hard...

I do hope that your tests were not to hard on you and that your results will be goods ones...fingers crossed for you sweet Bbydoll...

I do hope that you will let us know, when your birthday arrives...so we can wish you some good birthday wishes...

sending you my kindest thoughts with my care dear Bbydoll..

Grandy..