I hate this time of year & everything about my life

Bbydoll · ‎23-12-2021

I'm suffering from chronic pain issues; auto immune related issues and a body that is basically falling apart. I have no family around except for a brother (and sister in law,and niece), who would rather spend time with their friends - even though I pushed myself to be there for their daughters birthday. My teeth are rotting because of pain meds and I have no way of paying for them to be fixed.. some are now are in my smile line and the idea of loosing teeth there destroys me. My extended family wanted me to join them on Christmas day except for the fact it would be just breakfast as they want to visit their significant others family (not to mention it's a 4 hour round trip for me on public transport on a public holiday), and I can barely function as I'm suffering from tinnitus and vertigo at the moment on top of my usual health issues. I'm struggling to get through to the rest of the year. I've been reaching out via text message to my closest friend - but he's been avoiding me. My other friend just doesn't believe how bad my mental state is; despite having her own issues with depression and suicide. Every year is another year where nothing is achieved and my "bucket list" is further away from ever happening. Even on the rare occasions I'm out socializing; people avoid me. I seem to just repel people. Having had years and years of people leaving me, it's not like I haven't tried - organizing parties at my place; inviting friends out for a girls night out etc... no one ever bothers returning the favor. No one checks up on me. My online friends only respond to me messaging them - and even that's not a guarantee of a reply. I'm tired of struggling with no support. I'm not living, I'm barely surviving. .. it's like I'm not even here. And I'm sure it wouldn't matter if I wasn't because people in my life just don't seem to care! And it's not like I have anything keeping me here - no partner, no kids, no pets. . Nothing at all.

Guest_1055 · ‎10-02-2022

You popped into my thoughts just then. So saying hello to you today 😊

Bbydoll · ‎14-02-2022

Hi Shelll, thanks for thinking of me. I saw one musical.. and then a few days later I ended up in hospital again. I had a severe gallbladder attack and spent 8 days all up in hospital. I had a blocked duct to my gallbladder and an infection and had I.V antibiotics and pain meds. They also found fluid on my lungs and I need a repeat xray to see if it has cleared up. If not a CT scan will follow. I'm on a strict low fat diet and can't eat any fat including avocados! I have been craving sushi but most of the pre made ones have avocado. So I'm hoping to get the motivation to make my own. I have to go back to hospital in about 6 weeks to have my gallbladder and gallstones removed. My surgeon wants me to a very low fat diet - where you have 3 shakes a day.. for 2 weeks as it's supposed to help me lose weight on my liver as that sits above the gallbladder.

I'm finding the diet difficult because I don't feel full after eating. And tonight I was bingeing on lollies and found that my joints began to ache and I hada look online - only to find that can release toxins into the body making inflammation worse and thus make my auto immune illnesses worse and gives me more pain. It's an absolute joke! Because I can't eat more fibre because then my bowel isn't very happy even though it's a healthier option!!

To make matters even worse. I maybe getting a port in my chest. They normally put them in for people who are having chemo or long term treatment. But my veins are virtually impossible to get a canula in them or take blood out - I've had so many surgeries, blood tests, IV treatments etc over a period of 21 years, that even when they use a portable ultrasound machine - they can't access my veins at all!!! Having a port will mean that they can use that for my 3 surgeries that I have to have. But putting a port in my chest will mean another operation for that to go in as well.

I don't think that I have lost any weight at all. My body is changing shape and instead of my pear shape - all my fat is being moved into my belly area and I'm turning into an apple shape and none of my clothes are fitting properly because of it. I can't keep buying new clothes because it's expensive and I don't have the room for it. I took a dozen (grocery sized) bags of clothes off to the salvation army a few months back.. but still have a variety of different sized clothing to go through!

I missed out on one of my musicals becauseI was in hospital.

Guest_1055 · ‎15-02-2022

Hi dear Bbydoll,

How was the musical you had the opportunity to see? Did you enjoy it?

What has been suggested and what you are able to eat sounds challenging for sure. Are the shakes to help you lose weight for surgery itself?

And yeah that does sound right... Lollies causing inflammation in the body. Refined sugar, colourings etc.

When you say low fat... Does that mean no fat all? Just wondering about that because some of those shakes have fat. My hubby was on some for surgery... Optifast or manshake... Not sure which.

Have you ever had chia puddings? Your body may be able to tolerate those. And they can be sweetened with real maple syrup, so may help fill you up and satisfy sweet cravings. And maybe add some kind of yogurt to it to put the good bacteria back in your gut after the antibiotics clears it all out. Just a suggestion is all.

Hope you don't mind me suggesting stuff.... I am a foodie and quite passionate about nutrition, healing the body with natural things.

Anyways nice talking with you.

Bbydoll · ‎18-02-2022

Hi Shelll,

The musical was Hamilton - and I loved it. I was in the third row. It was a r&b, hip hop type music with a bit of rap styled into it. Definitely not your typical music. But the whole choreography was simple but everything just worked out brilliantly. They really didn't miss a beat. One of the scenes; one of the main characters accidentally dropped a prop and because of the sheer fast pace speed of him rapping - he just continued whilst another cast member picked up the prop and handed it to him when there was a break in his rap!

Yes the shakes are for the surgery. And I'm supposed to follow the optislim diet. 3 shakes a day and some veggies - all for the 2 weeks leading up to the surgery. But I'm currently on a no fat diet - no oils, cheese, butter, avocado, cakes, chocolate etc. And if I'm buying anything processed it must be less than 10grams of fat per 100g (total fat). It's usually listed under the protein levels. I've been buying some weight watchers and lean cuisine meals because the dietician said that I can eat those. Although last week I made my own sushi. And this weekend I'm doing a chicken and vegetable soup.

The other problem I have is that I can't eat a lot of fibre because it physically hurts me because of the bowel surgeries I've had.

I have only had a premade chia pudding. I haven't made any. I actually had some yogurt for dessert tonight. And I think I might make up some fruit salad next week too (I am having some groceries delivered on sunday). I am having an early night tonight as I had a big day yesterday running errands and today went to a mall and bought some clothes that were reduced sale - end of season, so very cheap. Best time to buy clothes. I am in a lot of pain because I've had 2 days back to back of doing errands and doing a lot of walking. And having chronic pain really limits what I can do. (Plus I have to rely on public transport, as I don't drive).

Guest_1055 · ‎21-02-2022

Hi,

Sounds like you did enjoy watching Hamilton, actually the whole experience of it. The atmosphere. And I am glad you got to go Bbydoll. Suppose you would notice a lot of things in a production, when you sit pretty close. When I went to our local theatre and saw Mary Poppins, at times I looked through some binoculars. We were more at the back.

Ah ok I understand about the shakes. Maybe it was optislim that my hubby went on. Think there was flavoured shakes, maybe some kind of soup, and some kind of bars.

I agree about buying end of season clothes...Good on you there. Can be much cheaper.

Yes I know you experience chronic pain... My heart definitely goes out to you.

Guest_1055 · ‎21-02-2022

Just read my reply back to you. The words sound unfriendly or something. It doesn't match my heart... I do care, really wanted you to know that.

Bbydoll · ‎03-04-2022

Looks like shelll has gone and no one else has been reading my posts.

My mum passed away just over 2 weeks ago unexpectedly and quick. And no matter what I want in regards to her funeral and wake my brother has shot down all suggestions. Both my brother in law and sister in law got flowers from their workplaces and I of course got nothing. They are both having their best friend come to the funeral and wake next week but of course I requested that it be late afternoon because my closest friend works until 3pm and all the family live over an hour away from the area we live in so have to drive up, then home afterwards - but my brother made it for 10am. On a Tuesday 😣 I'm so tired of being ignored, and walked over. My mum put me in power of attorney but the aged care home told me that it wasn't applicable once she had past. .. no one told me that we made the application 12 years ago when my dad passed away. My mum wanted any money left over to go 50/50 between my brother and myself. But because he is paying for the cremation and services etc and because he also lost his job 2 weeks ago - is taking all of any of the money left over. Just like he took the car I was supposed to have when dad passed because I was living in a cabin (converted garage) with no actual garage or carport. He claimed that it needed a new engine but it worked fine for my father and that hewas going to put a new engine in it and sell it and give me any remaining money which of course there was none. Just like my parents sold my car that my grandfather gave me and they sold it and took all the money and used my $10,000 that I'd saved up from my 21st birthday and gift money to go overseas and I turn 45 in a couple of months and still haven't taken the trip that I wanted to when I was 21.

I'm tired of being used. I hadn't seen my brother and his family since my birthday last may... not over Christmas as I was sick (with gallbladder issues that put me into hospital in January of this year).. I sent him text messages about it and of course he never visited me on hospital - he never did. I never have visitors when I go into hospital. They had to get specialist nurses to put a canula 2cm into the crook of my arm and I was told that I couldn't lift anything heavy with that arm but had to go and buy groceries because I had none in my house and had no one to help me out and I asked my brother but he had told me that they had gone away knowing full well that I was in hospital.

Guest_1055 · ‎05-04-2022

Hi dear Bbydoll,

I am ever so sorry about the loss of your mum. And also your dad a few years ago. Just want to cry for you, you seem to have so many challenges and sad times in your life. I have tried to be positive in other posts for you. But I really just want to cry for you or with you or something.

I will leave a huge bunch of virtual sweet smelling flowers for you here. Maybe that will help

And yes I have left BB, but I saw your post and so much wanted to say hello and that I care about you.

Shelley

Bbydoll · ‎09-04-2022

Hi Shelll,

Thanks for the flowers. I couldn't get to my mum's funeral because of my health issues and my brother has been very angry with me.. like I caused myself to be so unwell. He sent me several angry texts saying that he won't ever help me out ever again. .. which is hard to believe because he never actually helps me out. He never visits me when I am in hospital and if it wasn't for mum passing it would be almost a year since I saw him.... the last time was for my birthday at the end of may . I still had their Christmas presents and finally managed to give them to them lastweek when we were organising funeral arrangements. For whatever reason I am the one that is constantly kicked when I am down. I sent messages to my best (male) friend to see if he could come to the funeral with me but I never heard back and he has barely been responding again to any of my messages and I don't know if it is because he is avoiding me or if it's because he doesn't want to talk about the fact he kissed me when I saw him in November. ... he already knows that I have feelings for him. And his wife knows it. If he was as happy as he claims he is on Facebook - he wouldn't be kissing me!

Bbydoll · ‎18-04-2022

Spent another week in hospital because I binged - which caused a bowel blockage and inflamed the gallbladder again. Went to hospital via ambulance and they left me in the general waiting area where I vomited and of course the doctors and nurses didn't see it. And when I got in they thought that I was over reacting and they juged me because I look younger than being in my 40s. Another week of antibiotics and pain meds and put in an icy cold room with no warm clothes with me and about 7 or 8 blankets the entire time I was there. And if course bad access veins. And no phone calls or visits from anyone. A couple of texts but only because I was complaining to a few people. The internet sucked so I couldn't post much or keep in touch with my online friends who worry about me, if I'm not around. I desperately need a port in my chest but need a doctor to sign offon it for me to have it and that's seemingly impossible. I binged again tonight with lollies and box of coco pops - - my head is sore and not surprisingly I have a stomach ache. Feel completely invisible because absolutely no one is making an effort to find out how I'm really feeling or if I need help with anything. Emptied my letterbox, only to find out that tomorrow the fire alarm is being checked out and my place isa complete mess because I was sick before I went into hospital and I had turned it upside down to try and find everything for mum's funeral... which I never went to because of my health (and mental health issues). My brother was angry about and of course sent me threatening text messages and said he'd never ever help me ever again. But the thing is he does absolutely NOTHING for me as it is now. I hadn't seen him since my birthday almost 12 months ago. Finally gave him and his family their Christmas presents and am yet to receive their old tv (because they upgraded theirs). They could afford to do that but not buy me a foot spa for Christmas!!

It's exhausting when no one sees you as a priority. It's like I don't exist. So I don't know why I'm struggling so hard to keep myself alive when they avoid me and don't respond to my texts or posts on Facebook.