First time ECT by scrabbling

[Scrabbling]

Hi to all especially mmMeKitty, the  Pages here have  changed and I can no longer find our thread and I haven't got the tolerance to spend  hours on my phone, so I hope you see this.  as I said before the roller coaster has been at Full Speed and it finally came into the station which  is Ward and I had to make a decision. I cannot keep going the way I am and  the doctors have mentioned a few times in the last 6 months about ECT to be honest it absolutely bloody terrified me, I know we shouldn't assume but I think everyone  has seen One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest!!! certainly didn't help people's perception. I have been drowning for a long time it's been like walking in a thick fog I was desensitized totally to life and unbearably sad and just wanted it all to stop, the staff here on ward have been fantastic and I had my first ECT yesterday I will be honest it wasn't a perfect run, my anxiety exploded as I am awful to cannulate at the best at times but when I'm stressed my veins disappear, so I think I was a bit like "when you give a pill to a cat" and you retrieve it off the curtains and off the back of the couch and from under the bed !!!! that was me, the staff were very patient and finally they managed to get a vein, I woke up with a minor headache and a little bit of shoulder blade soreness none that really wasn't sorted with some Panadol, I did have a sore neck later that night again that went away with just the hot shower, I can't speak for everybody and possibly may even sound stupid but after the treatment I had a snooze for a few hours and  I did feel clearer and even if it was  briefly a spark (excuse the pun) the old me made a breif appearance, yes the sadness came back in the afternoon and I'm sure I will be having a few more treatments but I had nearly forgotten the old me. So will see how things pan out,

[mmMekitty]

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to reply, Helen. I am struggling with how to answer the questions you've posed lately.

I must admit I don't know even if there is a reason why some people must endure the hardships & traumas they do. A fellow named Victor Frankl wrote a book, 'Man's Search for Meaning', & while my memory of listening to the book is vague at best, I do recall the idea we can & must discover or make our own meaning for those questions about why we have been dealt the hand we have.

I've been wanting to do something like simply finding what makes my being conscious & alive a worth  it while I am so uncomfortable & in some pain enough to make concentrating & being aware of good things, so hard - & I think, seeing the sun is worth taking the time & making an effort to look outside, to see what is becoming increasingly difficult to see. To hear, birds, music, a child's laugh, - so far, it's small things. They are all worht taking another breath for.

Coming here, talking to you, with your confronting questions, which have brought back some painful memories, & my seeing a need to respond, to not abandon you, is worth my getting up today, & tomorrow, & tomorrow.

I am sorry you are suffering as much as you are, & the road ahead is still going to be rough for a while, & there's so little I can do to ease your pain. Just make a place in your mind for a little red cat, & I can sit with you. Use the image of Mekitty, like I do, because she was such a sweet & comforting presence in my life. I'd love to share that with you.

The best was when she curled up next to me, close enough for me to reach & pat her while she purred. It was quite a loud purr, too, especially at night. It was as a lullaby to me. & maybe to her, too, because she'd often drift off into sleep, her purring becoming softer & softer until it stopped & she would be asleep.

Yesterday, I actually went & did some exercise, using exercise machines in a council park, & it was fun! I couldn't do everything, but I could do some, & it is enough for now, because now I feel I can do more of that. Haven't felt like that for a long time, so I realised today. You never effing know.

So thee's another small thing I can wake up for - surprising good thoughts & feelings. I DO have some!

It took some effort to notice, but I really do.

My kindest & warmest most purrful thought & feelings - with you.

mmMekitty

[Scrabbling]

Still in hospital. The infection is in the blood and has destroyed my knee replacement on the other leg. It's really sad funny. The surgeons are fighting so hard to save my life and I just want it all to stop. Anyway tidying bits and pieces up and think I have got the husband stepping up for bills ect. So I actually feel a sense of calm it's so weird. But I actually feel peaceful and I haven't had that for such a long time. Its really nice not being torn apart like i have been. So will see how the mood continues. Thank u for your support  

[mmMekitty]

Hi Helen,

I'm glad your husband is taking care of the bills, & this has relieved a lot of stress, I gather. Has he been supportive in other ways?

Do you understand why the surgeons are trying so hard? 

Where do you suppose the feelings of calm & peace are coming from? Of-course, enjoy while you have such feelings. I'm just wondering if it is only that your husband is taking care of some things, that can make such a difference, or something else going on?

I sure do hope they get the infections under control & then, let's see what to deal with next. One thing, one day, at a time.

Hugzies, ❤️

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

Hi Helen,

I'm still here. I've been uncomfortable with some of the things you have been saying recently.

I understand what you say & how you feel. How awfully difficult it is to keep going, to think there is any way you can.

Sometimes all we can do is wait.

Strength to fight rises & falls & rises again, so we can feel confident that's one well that never runs dry.

Holding you in mind & heart,

mmMekitty

[Learn to Fly]

Hi Helen,

Just came by to say "hi" and ask how are you doing? How is the infection and healing going? 

Take care There. 

[Scrabbling]

It's sad that I'm still here I really don't know why.

I've been over 2 months in hospital and now I have a further 6 months of massive antibiotics .

it just would have been so much easier to go to sleep with the anaesthetic and hoping I wouldn't wake up.

my ankle still has one spot that won't heal which is cause for concern and my left knee that the  infection attacked has just been awful it's so sore.

I have an appointment with my surgeon on Tuesday so might get some answers  and I have another appointment later in the month with a  Infectious Diseases doctor as my infection was very unusual !! trust me to get a weird infection  but it's kind of the story of my life, I have to laugh when people say think positive!!!!

Dare them to walk in my shoes. had a fight with a hospital doctor who took it upon himself to halve my pain medications ( thankfully i had my old scripts at home) everything is just such an effort without adding the extra pain.

And to top things off I've been out of hospital for 4 days and then I got covid!!! I just can't seem to cut and break at the  moment .

I feel like saying stop the world I want to get off and  I'm just waiting  for that push.' I'm super tired (thanks covid) so calling it a night. Hope you are travelling ok and look forward to your reply. 

[mmMekitty]

Hi Helen,

I am still here, for now. I'm finding it difficult to keep up with BB & then not get too upset & worried over what people have to go through.

I note your post was last Sunday,& so by now you will have seen your surgeon. Any encouraging news there?

I know you've had one hell of a year - I can understand how it all seems too much for one person to cope with, but, somehow, you have. You were willing to have a little fight with the hospital Doctor about your pain med, which means to me, you still have some fight within you to draw upon. If anger is what will help you through, then I say, go for it.

Lately, I'm using some of that myself, hearing you sounding like you want to throw in the towel. 

I have been trying to think how did I get through some of the situations & relationships I've been in & had to get out of, & I can't explain what I did or how I did it. Somehow, I did.

Here now, I don't know how to help you cope with the pain, to help you feel the effort you will have to put in, to continue living & worth it - I don't.

All I know is I can't give you any answers. It might be - pick a reason, any reason, make it yours.

Like now, I understand I must lose weight, get fitter, do exercises, as never before. I've found a reason for eating better. I am holding onto how the big food manufacturers do exactly as big tobacco has done with promoting smoking. I quit smoking because of what they did & lied about. Now can I choose better foods for very similar reasons.? Yes.

For my exercise & fitness, I need it to be fun &I'm now including, some release of anger into my workout.

I'm doing what I can, in my own little flat. It's going to be slow. There may be setbacks. I've got to be firm about people who might try to encourage me to have the Xmas food, or give me chocolates, & what to do about that.

I feel I need help & have to try to get some.

It's all challenging me.

Also, I wanted to caution you about the pain meds, & to please be very careful with them, to not use them more than you have been advised. Talk to you GP about it. They need to know what you are taking, how much & how often.

When you knew you had COVID, did you ask your GP about the antivirals you might be able to use? I hope so.

Helen, I'm sorry I'm not much help. Always I wish the best for you.

mmMekitty

[Scrabbling]

Thanks for your reply and your ongoing support I bounced through covid pretty easily and find it sad funny that it would have to happen to me!! it seems to be one hurdle after the other I feel like I am fighting for every little thing and having two defend myself with surgeons and doctors. I had my check up with  the surgeon and he wasn't going to commit to anything . nobody seems to  knows what is going on with my ankle and  I'm going to be totally pissed if I make it through the next 6 months of antibiotics and then find out I have wasted my time. I just feel like I take one step forward and somebody kicks me in the gut and I go backwards. why do I have to fight for every little thing . I had my 2nd  psychologist appointment and really can't get my head around what he's asking me to fill in, he told me my last paperwork that I completed on a graph should have been on the lower  part of the page and mine was right to the top. I'm hanging  in there ( excuse the pun) I know I'm sailing close to the edge but just waiting for the extra push..

I'm glad I have you in my corner as I don't think I have anyone else.You all do a fantastic job and have made a difference to my choices  but it must come with the burden of people's problems and I'm sure you all have your own demons to deal with. 

[mmMekitty]

Hi Helen,

This is a new psychologist, asking you to fill in paperwork? At any rate, why not ask them to help you, to be sure you understand what needs to be filled in, & where.

I'm sure it's perplexing not to have a clear reason for why your ankle. It puzzles me that the infections have been so hard to control. I'd be pissed off already.

More antibiotics - must be messing up your body, certain functions, I imagine, bothersome & concerning to have to live with, too.

I am pleased you didn't have a severe COVID infection. Makes me think your immune system is not totally wrecked - something in there is still working. I was wondering about that, hoping for the best, & glad the COVID was not too bad,

When you feel so close to the edge, how do you answer that feeling?

For me, the feeling was a terrible dilemma. That was a long time ago & is actually hard to remember.

I explained, some time ago, I had this feeling that I had to wait, & didn't know what for, but since the feeling was strong, I did wait. Now, slowly, barely noticed by me, the feelings of such deep misery, hopelessness, helplessness futility & even all the pain I was feeling are better, & I am more able to cope with them, if they do return. I know I can turn away from the thoughts & feelings of ending it all, remembering I have sometimes been able to help someone, be a friend, things like that, which I couldn't have had if I ended my life years ago. I wouldn't have had Mekitty - knowing I could have more good experiences ahead, is what I lean into now.

Thing is, no-one ever really knows what's ahead. Even so, there are some things we can do to increase the likelihood of our lives becoming better. I believe eating well & exercising are going to assist me to have a better life, to feel better about myself. That gives me hope. It's especially good, because it's something I am doing for myself. I'm actually caring for myself - yeah, even while I don't particularly like myself, how I feel within my body - setting these feelings aside, because I want to feel better, move better. I've shifted my attention from what I want to overcome, to what I want to achieve. Big swing in my perspective - hardly sounds like me!

Please, don't forget, BB's counselling service, there for you whenever you feel you need support & someone to talk to immediately on 1300 224 636.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Scrabbling]

Just had my appointment with the infectious diseases Dr.

• Have to stay on massive antibiotics for 6 months and may have to forever  he said one in three is cured with a long course of antibiotics  and there is a very real possibility of having all the metalwork removed. So nothing I didn't  already know.
• I'm just so tired I keep up the facade but cry myself to sleep every night hoping for better things to happen but probably never will.
•