Fighting for my dear life

[PocketRocket88]

Every waking day is a constant fight with my inner demons... I feel that slowly I'm losing grasp of what reality truly means... The thoughts are like voices in my head telling me and even showing what and how to do it... With each thought comes the urges... They're like a sensation I couldn't explain... The darkness it gives me is undeniable... When will this all end? It's telling me if I want it to end I have to give in and let go... . I have to put an end to all this... Nothing's working so why even bother...  I'm exhausted from fighting ..

[Petal22]

Hi PocketRocket88,

The reason you need to keep fighting is because you and your life is very, very important.

I understand that the intrusive thoughts you are experiencing are very tormenting it’s like being in a epic fight against your own brain.

PocketRocket88 you will win this fight because the inner you isn’t going to allow you to loose.

I understand it’s very hard to grasp reality when we are living inside our minds……..

PocketRocket88 bring your attention outside of your mind and firmly focus on something in the present moment.

Your reality is this present moment not the one inside your head……

What are you doing tonight?

Don’t listen to the thoughts inside your head… try to treat them like a song that’s stuck in your head… eventually when we don’t give the song our attention we no longer notice it anymore.

PocketRocket88 is the way that you are currently reacting to your intrusive thoughts helpful?

[PocketRocket88]

I know it's not helpful at all but if its constantly nags in my head I couldn't stop myself from giving in...the constant unhelpful thinking is making me believe that what's it's saying is true... And I'm at that point where I see no point of fighting it if I'm destined to go this way...

Ive accepted that it may be true for me right now... It'll drive me insane if I keep fighting the urge... Whatever happens, happens.... Sad but it's my truth and reality... No matter how bad it sounds and distorted my thinking is..

[batman1257]

Hello PocketRocket88,

I want to reply to your last message, as I don’t want you to feel like your last post has gone unseen. 

I am familiar with many of the feelings you have described. 

-There is no negative destiny outlined for you. You are not destined for any negative things. You can change what happens in the future for you.

-Please do not accept the negative feelings as truth, from my experience, feelings always change. If they are negative they will be replaced by positive ones before you know it.

-There is someone who needs your love, needs your kindness, needs you in the future, no matter who you are or your history. There is also someone out there who loves you now and cares about you now.

-There is a journey you can start on that will rebound you from this negative place, there is a path forward for you in a life where you can be everything you want to be.

[Petal22]

Hi PocketRocket88,

Those negative thoughts are absolutely horrible I understand it’s unrelenting and it makes us feel horrible sometimes.

But I second what Batman1257 has said you don’t have to accept it as truth.

I still get my bad days but the difference is now that these bad days use to throw me through absolute turmoil when I had no tools to manage them.

but now that I’ve had professional help and I have been taught tools and skills to manage this when it arises I can now keep a lid on these negative thoughts.

Please consider seeking professional help because they can help you to manage what is happening inside you internally.

Hold onto HOPE.

[Petal22]

Through professional help you can learn to challenge these thoughts.

Please consider it.

[PocketRocket88]

TW SUICIDAL IDEATIONS AND URGES 

Today I woke up freaking out... The thoughts were so loud and the urge was really strong... Which is still happening in my own head... I'm finding it hard to control it at this moment... I can't seem to ground myself nor am I able to just calm myself down... I can definitely say that I'm stuck in this situation.... I don't know what I can do to get myself off this...

[bright_glow]

Hello PocketRocket88,

If I could I'd be putting on caps lock here; It's ok!! A couple of days ago I had something of the same feeling in my class. I felt horrible, like I couldn't breathe, and everything was suddenly just a little too much, and weeks from then I still have the memory of that feeling with me. But I'm going to repeat myself here anyway (even though it's a cliche..); it will be ok! Though I haven't gotten over my feeling yet, doing little things like saying hello to the neighbour's cat helps me get through my day, and maybe it will yours! Sometimes I don't feel great, sometimes I feel awful, but something I can say from experience is that routine helps me a lot. Occasionally even the opposite makes me happy again (sometimes I spend my whole weekend doing really random things :):))! Though even from me, I do have to say that if the urge to give up feels uncontrollable, dial 000. Whoever's on the phone will try and help you get through this to the best of their ability and beyond!

I hope that my advice here helps you, even a little, and just remember that you can always contact professional help from anywhere, even Beyond Blue itself. If that feels a little too scary, post on the forum that you've already created! Someone will always be there to answer 🙂

Hang onto HOPE, because it's ok!

[therising]

Hi PocketRocket88

Wondering if you've ever sat down and comprised a list of what triggers the dialogue. It could even be called something like 'What my inner demons love the most'. I'll throw a list your way, to see if anything might be relatable:

• My inner demons loved me living on my own because there was no one to distract me from the torturous words that came to mind. Inner demons love it when we live in isolation which is why some of the inner dialogue becomes about keeping us in isolation. Eg: 'There's no point in making new friends. No one will like you anyway'
• They love it when their words become 100% believable, when we're fully convinced
• They love it when no one's making a positive difference
• They thrive on a lack of skill when it comes to us battling it out with them. Like any great warrior who goes into battle, we have to develop skills. Coming on the forums here is one that has served me, especially recently. Petal22 has been one of my angels
• They absolutely love triggering words that come from certain people. It's like a foot in the door for them. What I mean is we can be so joyful and passionate about a belief, one we thrive on. When someone close to us brutally degrades that belief or laughs at it, there's that crack in the door, the perfect opportunity. Those inner demons can start up with stuff like 'You know you sound like an idiot with that belief. No wonder people laugh at you. You'll always be a joke' etc. With help from some solid guides in my life who have taught me how to passionately love what I believe in, no matter what anyone says, they don't get to me anymore

Basically, our inner demons are serious opportunists.

Reducing the opportunities may involve going to sleep, experimenting with music that leads you to feel good, having a chat with people who can open your mind to new ways in managing, developing new levels of self understanding (raising yourself through acquired knowledge/education) etc.

My inner demons have always forced me to have to look for new skills, new ways in managing them. I suppose you could say in a round about way they lead us into having to find the best in our self. It is there to be found through skill.

[PocketRocket88]

Have you ever question your existence in this world? I HAVE!!!

I question why my life is in shambles (atleast that's how it feels and seems like...) Why I can't get out of this rut I'm in... Why I work hard but doesn't seem to be feeling some relief financially... How I can't keep friends or maintain good relationships with my family and friends... Why I can't see the beauty of my life... Why I feel the way I feel about life and everything that goes with it... 

I wonder if I have exhausted all possible ways to help easbeyondblue Forumse these negative thought and urges... Have I done my part to help myself... Is there anything else I can do to fix myself...