Feeling worthless and losing control

jumpyjellyfish- · ‎06-12-2020

Just saying a quick hello before I go on, I'm new to these forums hoping to become a part of this community.

Basically I've felt myself really struggling with the effects of low self-esteem lately on me and feeling really worthless. I've always had fairly low self-esteem in relation to my image since I was really young but I used to at least be happy about my abilities and was overall fairly positive.

This year however - and especially the past couple of months - I've habitually been excessively judgemental of myself and been practicing some unhealthy coping mechanisms. I've been constantly picking out all my flaws like saying to myself I'm ugly and that I'm no good at the sports I play and that no one prioritises their friendships with me because they don't care about me (because honestly that's what has been happening recently). Over the past couple of months I've been at a constant all time low where I don't seem to feel happy much and I'm constantly distracted by the fact that I feel terrible.

It feels like I'm out of control and I hate the feeling, but I've discovered to regain control I distort my eating patterns to starve myself in the mornings up until after school where I can't handle it and I end up bingeing. It sickens me every day that I can't control myself in that way but I know I've gotten into a brutal cycle and it feels like it will only stop when I learn to have control over my eating, only to starve myself all day. I also started self harming about a month ago, but I stopped that about a week ago and even though its been tempting I'm so far resisting the urge.

I've been regularly in contact with a counsellor from kids helpline over the past month and a half and its been helpful but I'm still struggling to find the worth in being resilient when I can't even find it in myself. I feel really down all the time and I'm tempted to just follow my emotionally unstable thoughts and not try to fix stuff because I'm on my own anyway (well that's what it feels like) but I'm at a dilemma in my head between giving up and me 'logically' knowing that I need to fix something. That being said, the fact that I understand that makes me seem like I've got myself sorted even though I don't and it puts me off seeking help further (in person). I want help but I feel like my problems aren't big enough and I'm scared of being judged even though I know it will be to the contrary but I really struggle to accept it when people actually say that I am deserving.

jumpyjellyfish- · ‎08-02-2021

Hey, don't worry about it, I really appreciate the support that you've been offering me it's helped a lot more than you might realise, if you don't feel up to it then that's ok, we all want what's best for you. Take care xx

Guest_4643 · ‎08-02-2021

Thanks for understanding jumpy jellyfish, I appreciate that.

I'm really glad I've helped you, that means a lot. I always worry about trying my best to support people but not being good enough, in my replies and in general. So thank you.

You've helped me too.

jumpyjellyfish- · ‎08-02-2021

No problem, I know how you feel as well with worrying about not being good enough - I find it hard to post here on other's threads sometimes because I'm always worried that I'll say something that could make them upset or make things worse. Probably unreasonable but I just can't shake that feeling. I've seen how often you offer your support to everyone here though and it's not hard to tell that everyone on here appreciates how much you put into this space to try and help others, while your fighting your own battles at the same time. Thanks as well 💜

Guest_4643 · ‎09-02-2021

Thanks, glad I'm not the only one. And thank you, that means a lot to me. You support people here a lot too xx

jumpyjellyfish- · ‎11-02-2021

Thanks, sorry I'm only just responding now I've been struggling to find the right word to say with basically everything so this is probably not gonna make sense but.

I'm getting really anxious about seeing the GP on Monday because I feel like I won't be able to tell them the things I want to like self harm (even though it's pretty superficial) and suicidal thoughts and disordered eating without getting my mum involved more in it and telling her which I'm scared of how that would go, and it's like I want help but I also hate the idea of being the centre of attention...

With disordered eating also it's like I want to get help because I know its not normal to restrict then overeat and body check all the time and attempt to purge after eating but I also have that mentality where I want to be able to have control and it scares me that sharing what's it's been like will strip me of the only control I feel like I have...

Sophie_M · ‎11-02-2021

Hey jumpy_jellyfish,

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so anxious to see your GP on Monday. I can understand how hard it must be to discuss self-harm, suicidal thoughts and disordered eating. I understand that the idea of your mum getting involved must be daunting. Do you think that it would be a relief to tell your mum and have it out in the open, once you disclose this to them? Sometimes the anticipation of telling someone is more stressful than actually telling them and having everything out in the open. We encourage you to call Kids Helpline if you want to get some advice on how to broach the subject with your GP either by phone (1800 55 1800) or through their online chat: https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling.

We will also be sending you a private email with further supports. Please know that you are not alone and we are here to support you.

jumpyjellyfish- · ‎11-02-2021

Thanks Sophie_M... I do kinda feel like it would be good for my mum to know so that I don't feel like I'm completely secretive about it...as you said just pretty nervous about doing the actual talking...

I talked to my KHL counsellor last night, I only really asked a bit about confidentiality with that because I just needed to know if they would disclose those issues and I was appreciative to have a truthful answer, just hard to stomach that everything is feeling very real right now. Usually I talk to her once a week, but she did say if I wanted support earlier she was in tonight and Sunday night (which is the day before seeing the GP) so I might chat then...

Thanks for the support 💜

jumpyjellyfish- · ‎15-02-2021

i went to the gp this arvo... honestly i hated the experience... i felt like i was fighting back tears while i was in there because i felt so exposed also at the same time i felt like i was still hiding stuff if that makes sense? like the only thing my mum is concerned about is what i told her about having intrusive thoughts because thats kinda the only thing i was real comfy sharing but now ive under 'diagnosis' for the MHCP i received it just says 'intrusive thoughts' and 'insomnia' which is pretty invalidating honestly cus theres so much more than that i feel like is going on... i came home and cried after it and now idk what its gonna be like seeing a psychologist im scared im not gonna be able to talk also what am i meant to say like 'umm yeah ik this is the reason ive been referred but really intrusive thoughts are one of the smaller issues ive actually been feeling down for over 3 months straight and going through not eating, bingeing and purging or having suicidal thoughts and self harming?? (safe rn btw) like it just rubs salt in the wound when people make assumptions cus you dont feel comfy sharing stuff with them even though ig thats my fault but... still sucks

also may as well bring this up my sister (1 yr younger than me) has been saying stuff like shes fat when shes literally skinny or hitting herself when shes frustrated in front of everyone and its really hard because i can usually try to help her feel better but at the same time it makes me feel bad about myself because im always comparing myself to her so when she has body image issues it really triggers me and also i just think 'i wish you knew' when it comes to the other stuff and i feel so bad that sometimes i struggle to support her but when shes a lot more direct with everything and tells people because shes a lot more confident than me its just hard and i feel like such a crap sister for saying that but it makes me wonder whether i affect others like that but maybe i dont because im so used to hiding how im feeling idek.... my thoughts just feel really messy and comfused i feel like my mood has been switching from ok for a bit then tired out for no reason then frustrated then anxious then focussed, depressed... i dont know whats going on really

sorry for rambling thank you though to whoever reads this...

Sophie_M · ‎15-02-2021

Hey jumpy jellyfish,

We're so sorry that it was such a tough experience seeing your GP today. We can hear how hard it is to open up about the more sensitive matters that are affecting you. The good thing about seeing a professional in an ongoing way is that you can share more with them over time as you feel more comfortable doing so.

You might find it helpful to look at one of our threads, "Have the conversation: how to talk to your doctor" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/treatments-health-professionals-and-therapies/have-the-conversation-how-to-talk-to-your-doctor

We also would encourage you to call Kids Helpline if you want to get some support and advice either by phone (1800 55 1800) or through their online chat: https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling.

It's good to hear from you. Thanks for keeping us updated here.

therising · ‎16-02-2021

Hi jumpy jellyfish 🙂

So glad you've managed to see the GP. You literally are managing your path to greater self understanding and reformation (reforming your self into who you wish to be/naturally are). You could say that seeing the GP was one of the 'check points' on that path. Now they've directed you to a new part of your path. Understandably, you're concerned because you've never traveled this way before. It's unknown territory. By the way, even though the GP simply highlighted intrusive thoughts and insomnia, they'd be aware that these are basically the tip of the iceberg and there's more going on at a deeper level. They did the right thing by referring you and didn't just give you a couple of prescriptions and send you on your way without the help you need.

Perhaps your mum's focusing on the intrusive thoughts because they are what concerns her the most. Having experienced depression myself, earlier in my life, if one of my kids came to me with signs of depression, the intrusive thoughts would be my greatest concern because I can relate to how mind altering and life threatening they can be. Doesn't mean I wouldn't be concerned about other factors in depression. There are so many factors to consider. It's natural to focus on our greatest concern. The fact that she's helped you step foot on this path of reformation and is traveling it with you indicates another of her priorities or concerns is that you find a greater sense of well being. From my experience, when someone is longing for us to evolve and is actively helping us then they're actively loving us. It's not just talk of love, it is love in action.

With the psyche, they're strategically trained to bring out the many aspects of us. By the way, some do it better than others. These aspects may involve 'the venter/cryer', 'the sensitive self', 'the ignorant self', the angry/intolerant self' etc. So many aspects to us. When I say 'the ignorant self', I'm referring to the self that ignores the deeper reasons for thoughts and emotions. It's so easy to ignore the things we have never been conditioned to give much needed attention to. In other words, we've been conditioned to ignore important things, to some degree. The more you come to know yourself, the more the ignorant self diminishes and the enlightened self strengthens and grows. In turn, perception of self and life changes. Self esteem and intuition also gradually strengthens. This has been my experience.

Wishing you light on your path 🙂