Feeling worthless and losing control

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Just saying a quick hello before I go on, I'm new to these forums hoping to become a part of this community.

Basically I've felt myself really struggling with the effects of low self-esteem lately on me and feeling really worthless. I've always had fairly low self-esteem in relation to my image since I was really young but I used to at least be happy about my abilities and was overall fairly positive.

This year however - and especially the past couple of months - I've habitually been excessively judgemental of myself and been practicing some unhealthy coping mechanisms. I've been constantly picking out all my flaws like saying to myself I'm ugly and that I'm no good at the sports I play and that no one prioritises their friendships with me because they don't care about me (because honestly that's what has been happening recently). Over the past couple of months I've been at a constant all time low where I don't seem to feel happy much and I'm constantly distracted by the fact that I feel terrible.

It feels like I'm out of control and I hate the feeling, but I've discovered to regain control I distort my eating patterns to starve myself in the mornings up until after school where I can't handle it and I end up bingeing. It sickens me every day that I can't control myself in that way but I know I've gotten into a brutal cycle and it feels like it will only stop when I learn to have control over my eating, only to starve myself all day. I also started self harming about a month ago, but I stopped that about a week ago and even though its been tempting I'm so far resisting the urge.

I've been regularly in contact with a counsellor from kids helpline over the past month and a half and its been helpful but I'm still struggling to find the worth in being resilient when I can't even find it in myself. I feel really down all the time and I'm tempted to just follow my emotionally unstable thoughts and not try to fix stuff because I'm on my own anyway (well that's what it feels like) but I'm at a dilemma in my head between giving up and me 'logically' knowing that I need to fix something. That being said, the fact that I understand that makes me seem like I've got myself sorted even though I don't and it puts me off seeking help further (in person). I want help but I feel like my problems aren't big enough and I'm scared of being judged even though I know it will be to the contrary but I really struggle to accept it when people actually say that I am deserving.

[therising]

Hi jumpy jellyfish 🙂

It's great you've got your mum on board and she's gradually helping you make a difference, helping set up appointments. Sounds like that teacher who spoke to you may be sensitive enough to sense something's troubling you and he/she also wants to make some difference. I've found that the sensitive and thoughtful people in life who want to make a difference are definitely worth making a part of our circle of 'go to' people. Such a circle of people can change our life.

How much easier would life be if, every time we were ready to evolve in some way, a new group of people/friends came up to us and said 'Okay, it's time you joined our circle, now that you're no longer feeling the vibe of your old one', then they raised us in a way that connected us more to life, in a way that we really needed. My daughter finished year 12 last year and didn't find her 'tribe' until the last 2 years of school. They're such a mixed bunch of such natural people who all bring out the best in each other. My 15yo son is still looking for his tribe. I feel very natural people are more prone to feeling the impact when they're not in the right circle for them. It can feel painful and somewhat depressing, as the search for the right people continues.

Wondering if you found the impact of COVID last year to be more destructive than what a lot of people may realise. When I say 'destructive', what I mean is any person who was relying on certain structure to make it through life became deeply challenged when that sense of structure collapsed to some degree. My son's always been a serious daydreamer but structure kept him on point and more focused. The serious focus issues he struggles with now has us booking in to see a neuropsychologist. One of our family mantras is 'If we can't manage certain challenges in life without professional guidance, then professional guidance is exactly what we'll seek out'.

As a mum, I can tell you that a lot of the time mums are pretty much winging it, when it comes to raising our kids' consciousness and spirits. We're not always sure what we're meant to be doing, especially when a new life altering challenge arises. My kids will often raise me to the challenges I need to face, through open communication. You might need to guide and push your mum as to what you need her to do.

You are doing an amazing job, in gradually raising yourself and raising your mum (to be a greater, more conscious and compassionate version of her self).

🙂

[Guest_4643]

Hey jumpy jellfish, I just saw your post, sorry.

I'm sorry the Lifeline chat wasn't helpful and about your friend, etc. I'm here for you. I hated school too.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Thanks, I'm still freaking out a little about getting professional help. I'm worried about what will happen if the GP sees evidence of my self harm even though it's not bad because I haven't really told anyone about it yet. That being said I feel like it would almost feel good because then I wouldn't feel like I was hiding it.

Honestly yeah that would be great, I think it's my emotions coming into play a lot which is making me feel excluded from everyone. I have a grade of 350 others and it feels like I have no one who prioritises my friendship with them. That's probably not true, but when my best friend who's the only one I feel like cares has another best friend and they always hang out because she only has her it's hard...

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Thanks, all good

I got to talk to my regular counsellor finally yesterday so that was good, last night and all today I've had bad anxiety which I feel like has onset suddenly. I found myself curled up in my bed not wanting to touch the floor for some reason and not wanting to move, and all today I've been having intrusive thoughts when I see people thinking 'what if I impulsively hurt them' and to relieve the anxiety surrounding that thought I've been counting in sets of 7, 7 times. I don't really know what's been going on for me but I've been writing 'I wouldn't do it' in sets of 7 on paper sometimes when I have those thoughts. I also do the same thing but in my head when I get intrusive thoughts... that's been a more frequent, and multiple times a day, daily occurrence for a bit longer... I dunno why it blows up so much sometimes though ass it has today...

[Guest_4643]

That's good that you could talk to your normal counsellor, jumpy jellyfish. I hope it went well.

I'm sorry you felt that way and had intrusive thoughts. Are you ok now?

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Yeah it was good to be able to talk to her... she challenged me to write down things I like about myself between then and next time I talk to her... I was basically just talking about everything and how I was feeling and she asked me pretty unexpectedly what I thought of that fact that a lot of what I was feeling had to do with 'not feeling worthy' which I realised is a lot more true than I had thought before she asked that... I'm finding it a bit of a struggle to think of things but it's a work in progress I guess...

My intrusive thoughts have dialed down a bit now as have my strong feelings of anxiety, but that's because I've just been listening to music for the past like 4 hours trying to drown out my thoughts because I just don't want to deal with it... I mean it's working pretty well it's just I can't exactly always rely on being able to drown out my thoughts, and more or less there's always something going on in my head which I don't want to be there.

[Suza108]

Dear Jumpy Jellyfish,

Thanks so much for sharing what's going on for you.

I'm a mother of a teen who's going thru very similar stuff as you. She's very sensitive and has been bullied at school. I recently found out she's been self harming and suicidal. She stays up all night then sleeps half the day. She won't eat till 4pm then binges - same as you. (Actually I thought this post could've been her, but she's never been sporty so I guess you're just both going thru similar stuff). She has recently moved schools and left a group of toxic girls, so I hoped that might help. But I fear it may have only made things worse. New social group etc.

I just want you to know as a mother, I'm desperate to help my daughter find solutions. When she does talk with me she always ends up saying 'I don't understand and am only making things worse' (as I try to offer solutions). It heartens me to hear you say 'Yay' after speaking with your mum.
I so wish there was some magical wand I could wave to help you (and my girl) find your way thru this and into peace.
I think you are on the right path and I encourage you to seek further help with a counsellor. As this is what I'm trying to get my own daughter to do. Good on you for reaching out. I believe with the right support and Councelling, you will find your way thru this.
Good luck and thanks again for sharing so candidly.

[Guest_4643]

That's good to hear, jumpy jellyfish.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Hey Suza,

Thanks for the support. I hope your daughter is doing ok I know how hard it can be. Hopefully she finds a group of friends at school who can be more caring then the group of toxic girls she left behind. High school can be really hard sometimes. As a teenager, I know I find it can be really hard to communicate what I'm feeling, and often I leave my mum guessing when I'm in a bad mood, but if she tries to help but misunderstands me in any way (because I haven't shared what's going on) I get frustrated, but I can see it from both perspectives.

Thank you again, I appreciate it 💗

[Guest_4643]

Hey jumpy jellyfish. Sorry my replies haven't been that long lately, they've been brief for everyone. Just haven't been the best mentally