Feeling worthless and losing control

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Just saying a quick hello before I go on, I'm new to these forums hoping to become a part of this community.

Basically I've felt myself really struggling with the effects of low self-esteem lately on me and feeling really worthless. I've always had fairly low self-esteem in relation to my image since I was really young but I used to at least be happy about my abilities and was overall fairly positive.

This year however - and especially the past couple of months - I've habitually been excessively judgemental of myself and been practicing some unhealthy coping mechanisms. I've been constantly picking out all my flaws like saying to myself I'm ugly and that I'm no good at the sports I play and that no one prioritises their friendships with me because they don't care about me (because honestly that's what has been happening recently). Over the past couple of months I've been at a constant all time low where I don't seem to feel happy much and I'm constantly distracted by the fact that I feel terrible.

It feels like I'm out of control and I hate the feeling, but I've discovered to regain control I distort my eating patterns to starve myself in the mornings up until after school where I can't handle it and I end up bingeing. It sickens me every day that I can't control myself in that way but I know I've gotten into a brutal cycle and it feels like it will only stop when I learn to have control over my eating, only to starve myself all day. I also started self harming about a month ago, but I stopped that about a week ago and even though its been tempting I'm so far resisting the urge.

I've been regularly in contact with a counsellor from kids helpline over the past month and a half and its been helpful but I'm still struggling to find the worth in being resilient when I can't even find it in myself. I feel really down all the time and I'm tempted to just follow my emotionally unstable thoughts and not try to fix stuff because I'm on my own anyway (well that's what it feels like) but I'm at a dilemma in my head between giving up and me 'logically' knowing that I need to fix something. That being said, the fact that I understand that makes me seem like I've got myself sorted even though I don't and it puts me off seeking help further (in person). I want help but I feel like my problems aren't big enough and I'm scared of being judged even though I know it will be to the contrary but I really struggle to accept it when people actually say that I am deserving.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Did what I could. Managed SOMEHOW idek how, but to finish my english, woke up at 7:30 today really tired after going to bed at like 1am for not the first time in the past few days and stayed home and finished it. Mum didn't mind. As for my other draft, emailed that in like 1/3 done and badly but at least there's something there. Better than nothing, trying to just chill about it. Lol and I have a science report that's due on Thursday I haven't started. It just keeps coming.

Kinda just listening to music on my bed now trying to chill (No I'm not still in my pajamas :P) I guess in terms on meditating on something, I do on music. Normally it's not very upbeat, but I think sometimes you just need to use music as an outlet to your mood, not always to cheer you up but just to feel comfortable. That's how I feel at least.

Epiphanies are great - and it's normally really random when you get those thoughts. It's like you relearn what everything means. Which can be a lot to take in if you're overwhelmed. But in the long run, a good thing. I get what you mean about meditating on an anxiety provoking thought - it's like with intrusive thoughts for me, I tend to just get stuck with them on replay. They've been less frequently bothersome recently though which has been good. I think my focus has been shifted to other things though which aren't fun to deal with but at least I can say even if something's gotten worse, something has gotten better. It's like my brain always needs something anxiety provoking or negative to focus on though which is frustrating to be honest because I don't quite know how to escape that yet. I have some outlets like sport but it's when my thoughts invade the things I enjoy it feels like a lot.

Similarly to 'how did doing something make you feel'; I have homework from my psych to 'play it through' with any intrusive or anxious thoughts. In other words, don't get stuck on a part of my thought and almost force myself to go 'ok, if this happens, what next?' until basically I realise it could eventually get resolved. It felt weird to me at first to try seek out the bad things and it was honestly really hard when I tried it with her but I realised the benefit. Still struggling to do it when my mind goes to the worst possible scenario as 'irreversible' though but want to work on it. Also I'm tempted to use it to express some things I can't say in person as she said to write it down, and maybe that will open up a conversation.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

i wish i could feel at least ok all the time - a few hours ago i was a little demotivated and anxious but i felt chill. its funny, we couldnt have afl training cus of the rain and instead this yoga teacher came in and did stuff... and imma be honest its not easy to get a bunch of 14, 15 year olds to do that without cracking up. kinda was about to have a mental breakdown so went between laughing, trying to hold myself together and crying. i know its meant to make you feel more calm but i just wasnt having it.

aaaand then i got home and just cried to be honest. sat on my floor, head on pillow on bed and bawled my eyes out. i just feel really emotionally drained and unstable. i went from being somewhat proud of myself, to hating my life. i sound so pathetic complaining now that im feeling more distressed but its getting to me.

also cant tell if im hungry, sick or im sore and its making me feel bad for eating. had a measly dinner because i just couldn't be bothered to eat - it wasnt even as much disordered eating habits as it was just 'im over it' tho. i dont deserve help i feel like im just lying to myself and that im being dramatic. i just really, strongly, dislike myself and i feel so worthless. i am worthless. am i? idek anymore. whats the point.

sorry for rambling, i dont know why im saying this but i needa get it out of my system i feel like screaming but i cant express myself on the outside so im just screaming at myself from the inside.

[Sophie_M]

Hey jumpy jellyfish,

Thanks so much for reaching out tonight and updating your friends on the forums on how your day went today. It sounds like you're feeling a bit overwhelmed and it's left you feeling exhausted and drained. We're sorry to hear that it's this kind of night. Maybe there's something self-soothing you can do. What kind of things do you do to help calm and soothe yourself when you're feeling like this?

If you're really struggling and need to chat, remember our friends at Kids Help Line are available 24/7.

We hope that our valued forums bring you some comfort on tough nights like this.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Listening to music, going for a walk, those are the main two. or just watching youtube / podcast. might do that when i get home. then do a bit of schoolwork, thinking of giving my khl counsellor a call. need to talk. just cried it out last night, im ok atm, little low but tbh thats been normal for me. passive suicidal thoughts but im safe so thats ok. im not going too badly which im relieved about anyways.

[Sophie_M]

Hi jumpy jellyfish :-],

Thank you so much for checking in, sharing with others who know what it's like to live with mental health experiences similar to yours are what these forums are all about.

We're sorry you're feeling a bit low and think calling your KHL counsellor is an excellent idea.

[Croix]

Dear jumpy jellyfish~

I hope you do not mind if I send a post to you. The reason? I see you saying what I've said umpteen times:

"but im safe"

I had suicidal thoughts for a long time and said exactly that to myself "but I'm OK, I would never do it". Then one day I did try to take my life, and it was only circumstances that stopped me. Would you beleive I went back to the thoughts and "I'm OK" again. You guessed it, I tried again.

So I was either fooling myself or else simply not aware of the state I was really in. It's only luck I'm here talking to you.

I thought control was the main thing, I never told anyone else becuse then I'd not be in control, they would and I'd not be "me".

Put simply I was wrong, after I told my partner the psych was told and my proper treatment began. I could still make the same choices I had before, the difference being I now had real people I could touch who gave me new ideas face to face, new therapies and tools designed to beat the thoughts and attempts.

It made a fair bit of difference straight way, I'm not claiming an instant cure, but in the same way you find the KHL chat therapist a comfort, this was the same but magnified to the point I was glad I'd stepped out.

Your psych said to think on the bad thoughts, OK, telling all to your psych and maybe your mum fills you with fear - of losing control - of worrying your mum - of .. all sorts of things. If you think that through I'm not sure what the downside is - you do not lose control, your mum will be able to seek advice and help better -and its all upside. Fear is keeping you back.

There are solutions for eating disorders, self harm and suicidal thoughts, becsue they all come from the same place, and that place can be treated properly when all it's effects are known.

Sorry for the lecture, it's just me saying how I talked like you. Now I'm good, life is pretty much OK - plus I have a supervisor right beside me, that's Sumo Cat who sits on his special furry blanket beside my elbow and snoozes, opening an eye occasionally just to check on me. He is the largest and most laid back cat you can imagine.

Can I ask if you like pets?

Croix

[jumpyjellyfish-]

hi Croix,

No, I don't mind, I appreciate you responding to me. I guess looking back I say that "I'm safe" or something along the lines because i don't want to worry anyone because like what you said I'm scared of the idea of it. i'm scared of people giving me attention when i in my mind genuinely don't think it's that bad. maybe i am misled in that but i really can't always be the one to judge that i guess. Also yeah, same idea goes for talking about other things.

honestly though i know that i need to tell my psych and i think it'll be easier than talking to my mum about it and maybe that could come later. i really want to now - i feel like i actually want to get better from stuff, as in because i've used self harm and disordered eating and suicidal thoughts as a way of coping, and letting go of them felt like i would be left with nothing, but they're pretty miserable ways to be and I don't think I can get over them on my own. I think a lot of it is I invalidate myself, but then even when I'm in doubt I probably should reach out anyway because otherwise I'll just be saying 'it's not THAT bad' forever. Again, not a good way to be.

love pets, only have birds (a fair few of them though - 7 budgies) and although they don't really meet the same companionship per say as a dog or cat might they're pretty tame so they're fun to be around.

Your cat sounds cute btw 🙂 and I'm glad that life is going ok for you. Thanks

[therising]

Hi jumpy jellyfish 🙂

Legendary effort with the homework, truly legendary 🙂 You've caught sight of who you really are, 'I am an achiever under the most challenging of circumstances and I am someone who knows when I need to co-manager in a challenge'. Perhaps you could consider writing an 'I am' list. It'll be tempting to write down the so called negatives and sometimes that's okay too. Sometimes the seemingly negative 'I am' statements can be revealing. 'I am so lost', for example, can tell you that you need guidance or 'I am hopeless' can tell you that people around you aren't inspiring you enough to have you feel hope. They may be inspiring you but not quite enough to really feel that sensation. It'd be like if you were really looking to feel difference in your life and someone said 'Hey, let's go out for lunch'. First you feel hopeful that this is going to involve the excitement and difference you're looking for and then they say 'We'll go to that place just down the road where we usually go'. Bamm, there goes that feeling of hope, when it comes to the difference you're wanting to feel. You're sincerely grateful for the invitation but the sameness of it all brings you down. If the invite was to somewhere truly amazing, you'd feel amazement.

Well put, epiphanies are like relearning what everything means. I've found the more open minded I am the more they come in. Hard to keep an open mind when the chemistry and mindset involved in depression and anxiety is really challenging. Being able to pinpoint when inspiration comes in can help you channel more of it. Also figuring out under what circumstances it just can't come in is helpful too. For me, inspiration will typically come in when I'm not thinking. I might 1st think of some issue I need a solution to and then just go off into some daydream state and then, bamm, in it comes. It can also come when certain people trigger it. Inspiration will never come in when I'm overthinking, blocking it.

Exercising Yoga practices among a group of teenagers, yes, I get the challenge 🙂 We can spend so much time in a state of contraction/tension (body and mind). I've found stretching out the tension in the body can also allow inspiration greater access to a more relaxed mind. Sounds like your therapist has also given you exercises that you see the benefits in practicing.

Although you may not feel the over all difference you're looking for, I can see you moving further along that path toward eventually feeling it.

🙂

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Thanks therising,

Had a bad experience at school but it brought some good too. I was already feeling anxious and sick today and in class I was stressing cause of my science being due tomorrow and just being easily triggered I guess. Started getting a headache and got cold flushes like a tingling feeling and crying, I was in a bit of a panic. Good part though is a girl in my class who I've not really been on the same page with majority of this year was really nice to me and basically we manage to inbetween me crying laugh off the stupid drama we had.

I'm sitting with these mixed feelings at the moment, not really sure what to do with them but hopefully I can just get all this stupid schoolwork over and done with and then I can focus on everything else. Will be happy when Monday comes around and I can see my psych - there are a lot of things I need to get off my chest. For now I'm just trying to cope as best as I can I guess.

[therising]

Hi Jumpy jellyfish 🙂

Sounds like that classmate was inspirational in the way she led you to laughter during what would normally be incredibly challenging for you. Definitely watch out for the inspirational people, you'll feel the impact they have on you, even if it's simply slight at times.

Sounds like time is a significant trigger for you, when it comes to anxiety. I can relate to some degree. Had one of those days myself today, where I could feel my nervous system seriously getting worked up to hyperactivity. What came to mind on several occasions today were the words 'You need to breathe!' I know it sounds a bit crazy but I like to sometimes imagine inspiration being like some unseen friend. In regard to the following, some would say it's our higher consciousness speaking (that part of the brain), some believe it's divine guidance and some just don't really care to analyse it too much. In the case of stress, you can be thinking 'I am so stressed out to the point where I feel sick', then what comes to mind can be the words 'You need to calm down. You really need to breath'. A lot of people I've spoken to report that 'I' and 'You' factor. It's very common and rather quirky and not a lot of people notice it until you point it out to them. 'I am so stressed out'/'You need to breath'.

Does sound like you're making progress. Not only are you looking forward to seeing your psych in the way of support and guidance, there's a lot you want to get off you chest. You're becoming more enthusiastic about venting. Good to hear. As I've mentioned, it can take a little time to develop courage and a level of comfort with someone who basically began as a stranger. Also, seeing we're typically conditioned to keep our feelings to our self - you're breaking through and beyond this condition that can go back generations. That's a huge achievement. It's groundbreaking stuff. You're gradually discovering who you naturally are, someone who sees the serious benefits of addressing feelings/emotions. You're in the process of achieving what some adults never achieve throughout their entire life. Your interest in progress shows your level of consciousness. You're a very conscious person in the process of developing that consciousness even further. You are graduating through life.

You're an inspiring person 🙂