Feeling worthless and losing control

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Just saying a quick hello before I go on, I'm new to these forums hoping to become a part of this community.

Basically I've felt myself really struggling with the effects of low self-esteem lately on me and feeling really worthless. I've always had fairly low self-esteem in relation to my image since I was really young but I used to at least be happy about my abilities and was overall fairly positive.

This year however - and especially the past couple of months - I've habitually been excessively judgemental of myself and been practicing some unhealthy coping mechanisms. I've been constantly picking out all my flaws like saying to myself I'm ugly and that I'm no good at the sports I play and that no one prioritises their friendships with me because they don't care about me (because honestly that's what has been happening recently). Over the past couple of months I've been at a constant all time low where I don't seem to feel happy much and I'm constantly distracted by the fact that I feel terrible.

It feels like I'm out of control and I hate the feeling, but I've discovered to regain control I distort my eating patterns to starve myself in the mornings up until after school where I can't handle it and I end up bingeing. It sickens me every day that I can't control myself in that way but I know I've gotten into a brutal cycle and it feels like it will only stop when I learn to have control over my eating, only to starve myself all day. I also started self harming about a month ago, but I stopped that about a week ago and even though its been tempting I'm so far resisting the urge.

I've been regularly in contact with a counsellor from kids helpline over the past month and a half and its been helpful but I'm still struggling to find the worth in being resilient when I can't even find it in myself. I feel really down all the time and I'm tempted to just follow my emotionally unstable thoughts and not try to fix stuff because I'm on my own anyway (well that's what it feels like) but I'm at a dilemma in my head between giving up and me 'logically' knowing that I need to fix something. That being said, the fact that I understand that makes me seem like I've got myself sorted even though I don't and it puts me off seeking help further (in person). I want help but I feel like my problems aren't big enough and I'm scared of being judged even though I know it will be to the contrary but I really struggle to accept it when people actually say that I am deserving.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

yeah should be alright. thank you also xx

im so tired atm but im also stressed about stuff i needa do so thats keeping me up. not even being productive anymore but i just have a heap of stuff im literally not gonna finish at this point and yeah

had an awkward day with friends and 'friends' idrk whats going on tbh. dont wanna get involved. on a good note i didnt purge today, and ate at school at second break. something to try and be proud of anyways.

lowkey just wondering what's the actual point of life. like seriously. why am i alive? kinda slipping into this 'well you dont really enjoy your life so keep it' like would it actually matter that much if i wasnt alive? im safe, just thinking... i find ive been getting suicidal thoughts at weird times like im not really down as in an emotional wreck (well sometimes but) but im kinda numb and ig hopeless which makes me think about suicide.

also kinda random but i feel like my dreams have been reflecting my anxieties. i get intrusive thoughts sometimes that are like 'what if my mum (or someone close to me) gets into a car crash?' and then last night for e.g. i had a dream about being in a car crash. i never seem to have good dreams though, and they always reflect things im worried about

take care of yourself xx

[therising]

Hi jumpy jellyfish 🙂

You're right; we can be given the instructions on how to 'get over things' but it's we who have to do the hard climbing, putting instruction into practice. The practice of wall climbing can seem to take forever until finally we make it over, proclaiming 'I can't believe I finally made it!' Practicing what actually works is important. You don't want to be practicing instructions that don't work. That gets depressing.

Personally, I'll never go back to 'normal'. That kind of normal is what led me into depression. And, yes, you're absolutely spot on - finding a new normal means laying a new set of foundations. It's an enormous challenge but one definitely worth accepting, for how many 'cracks' are in our original foundations? When the foundations are laid for us by others, they can involve the conditions of people pleasing, grading/measurement (worth) and the cessation of questioning things that should be questioned. We practice them all, over and over until we become masters at what becomes intolerable. In a way, we've been building our life upon the cracks or the faults. It kind of becomes inevitable that life begins to fall apart in some way, our building begins to crumble.

The thought 'I can't live like this anymore' can actually be a person's first liberating thought. If depressed and without inspiration and guidance, it can feel like a soul destroying thought. If enlightened and with guidance, it feels like a life changing mind altering epiphany. Same thought, different perspective.

You should definitely be proud of your achievement, not purging. The truth is - that is an enormous achievement. It's an achievement that's taking you closer to who you naturally are. Feel that achievement, revel in it, be inspired by it.

'Why am I here?' and 'What's the point?' are 2 very valid questions. It's amazing how when you ask people these sorts of questions they'll typically either say 'Don't talk like that!' or 'I don't know'. Either way, you're shut down. You're rarely ever given a valid answer, one that makes sense. I believe we're here is to witness our own growth, to raise our self and to raise others. To witness the relaying of our foundations is to witness great challenge and to be witness to the feeling that comes with great pride, an incredible feeling/sensation.

Btw, dreams can be very revealing when it comes to the way forward. The mind can be a cryptic thing often in need of interpretation.

You're making great progress.

🙂

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Yeah, 'normal' is boring to me and pointless tbh, id rather be individual and different but then again I don't like having the attention on me of not being 'normal' because I'm so anxious about people judging me but that's kinda irrelevant. As for thinking 'I can't live this this anymore'; I don't want to be living like this and to be honest I feel like I have a negative perspective on it but it's just hard sometimes to be positive. I would do anything to feel better though. and yes there's a lot of crack in my foundations that need fixing but it kinda feels like the foundations are being bulldozed atm and i feel kinda like crap.

Really bummed out atm, I just lost a video project for english due on Monday which I rush did for 8 hours pretty much non stop today but my phone camera froze up and it didn't save and I was like 20 seconds from done so yeah thats gonna be fun to redo tomorrow. Top that off with a food and nutrition draft assignment also due Monday which also I saved in like 3 places but somehow my stupid school laptop managed to delete all of them and I can't find it anyway, and this was just yesterday. I'm so tired and I'm just over it.

As for not purging, that would've been nice as a streak of longer than a day but oh well. It's funny because I guess in hindsight I'm kind of proud of myself but at the same time the disordered eating part of my head is telling me I should have and it's good that I have pretty much every other day. It's such a stupid dilemma between my logical 'be kind to yourself even if you don't want to' part of me and my 'you deserve it, you're worthless' part. Same goes for wanting to talk to my psych about it - I know it's unhealthy what I'm doing but I keep convincing myself that either a) I don't have a real problem and b) if I do and I keep going like this till my next session in a little over a week how am I meant to tell her 'oh yeah I started purging while I was in therapy with you and I've been restricting and bingeing and purging for a month now. oh umm, yeah pretty much every day. but im fine. really.'

sorry btw if im coming off blunt im just really annoyed about my english and stuff and im starting to get really mad at myself for it. combine that with just not wanting to be alive - im safe btw - and being anxious about stuff and tired i feel kinda terrible. im also getting some intrusive thoughts creeping in so hopefully i cant sleep them away but yeah. fun times.

[Sophie_M]

Hey jumpy jellyfish,

Thanks so much for reaching out tonight and updating your friends on the forums on how you've been feeling. We're so sorry to hear that these thoughts and feelings are particularly overwhelming for you tonight. It sounds like the stress of these assignments on top of everything must also be really difficult to handle, but please know that we're all here to offer as much support and advice as you need through this. We are also reaching out to you via email to check in with you and offer some extra support.

Whenever these thoughts are feeling difficult to cope with- please know that you can always reach out to the friendly counsellors at Kids Helpline, day or night, by phone (1800 55 1800) or through their online chat: https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling. Our Support Service (1300 22 4636) and Lifeline (13 11 14) are also available to you 24/7 to talk things through before your next appointment- you never have to keep these feelings bottled up inside.

We hope you keep updating us on how you're going whenever you feel ready to- you're never alone in this.

 

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Thanks Sophie_M

[therising]

Hi jumpy jellyfish 🙂

I feel your frustration and incredible disappointment. It's stomach churning and chest tightness territory. Is it possible to get an extension on your work or possible to not hand certain assignments in, with your teachers' understanding? Leading the teachers to understand why you're finding the challenge difficult is another consideration. Last year when my son was in year 9 and the work was overwhelming him for a number of reasons, I emailed his teachers (advocating for him) to let them know he was seriously struggling with certain issues and they were really good about it, suggesting he complete the main pieces of work he needed to focus on and not worry too much about the rest. The challenge might involve you developing the mantra 'Under the circumstances, I need to focus only on certain key pieces of work'. When the circumstances change, so will your working ability. Leading teachers to be those who help you manage at the moment could be a consideration.

Finding your 'normal' can be a challenge. My normal involves me occasionally dying my hair purple, the colour it is right now. It's natural for me to be colourful, a reflection of who I am on the inside. It was a challenge at 1st because of those kinda people who give disapproving stares or even say degrading stuff they can't keep to themselves but the ones who led me to feel happy for doing it are the other naturals who support me in being my natural self. The 'I love your hair' people are the people full of love, whereas the 'That looks ridiculous' people are the ones full of ridicule. I pay greater attention to the loving kind. They inspire me. I find judgemental people questionable: 'What leads you to have no filter? What leads you to degrade and not inspire?' You can tell if you're making progress - you'll begin to question your self and others more and more. It's like questioning your way out of the self you don't want to be anymore.

Bulldozing the foundations can definitely feel challenging. From my experience, it kind of feels like your identity being pulled out from under you. It can feel stressful in some ways, until you gradually begin to find who you naturally are and that's what you begin building upon. The next challenge becomes about maintaining or managing who you naturally are. People will challenge you a lot at this point mainly because you're becoming the 'you' they may not feel comfortable with. As my daughter would say 'That's a them problem'.

🙂

[jumpyjellyfish-]

I would ask for an extension but I don't actually have my english teacher tomorrow when it's due cause we have to send it to her and she's kind of terrible at getting back to emails. Lucky me I tried to film again and it took a lot less time but then I ran out of storage space when I went to save it this time. And. It Deleted. Again. It's just annoying now GEEZ I HATE ENGLISH. Also I'm just so caught up on wanting to do well because I have such stupidly high expectations so I don't want to just not finish stuff. Honestly though now it's just laughable because my mum is helping me with it and now that's it's deleted twice we're just like groaning about it and are just kinda like 'oml seriouslyyy'. It's making me anxious but I'm kinda trying to push those feelings down. Laughing about it's a coping mechanism honestly lol. Took a break from it anyway, mum said 'ok let's go grab something from the cafe' because we needed a chill out. Managed to not feel much guilt about eating which was good. Could enjoy myself mostly.

I'd say I'm definitely questioning myself a lot (like my whole life tbh) - it's like though sometimes I want to act differently to the way I do and change things up - same as you dying your hair, that kind of thing - but I'm such a people pleaser (which I find it hard to admit to myself) that I feel stuck - not spineless, but not open about anything for fear of judgement. I guess that is a them problem (me and my friends say that too haha)

With my other assignment my teacher knows about it and it's a draft anyway so I'm honestly not bothering with it - I can just submit a measly draft and then do the final proper. I'm still very frustrated about it but hopefully I can get it done. I think imma explode if it doesn't work for the third time in a row though.

I'm loving the idea of bulldozing the foundations just scared about it. Also I've been frustrated with myself for feeling like I have to act a certain way. That also involves though that I feel really restricted by the fact that I always try and 'do the right thing.' It sounds bad but I feel like as a teenager I just want to have 'normal' experiences and sometimes not care about the consequences of things as much. The fact that I get so anxious about everything makes me hate myself. At the same time though, I don't want to be impulsive cause I know it can be stupid but I just want to feel free, from myself and my anxiety ridden boundaries.

[Guest_4643]

Hi jumpy jellyfish, sorry I didn't reply. I care, just dealing with my own stuff. Thinking of you

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Don't worry about it, if you're struggling, it's perfectly fine just to focus on yourself and your MH, you deserve it, thinking of you too and hope you're ok xx

[therising]

Hi jumpy jellyfish 🙂

It's hard when you're trying to develop new strategies for managing. It can become a major trial and error process, with some frustration thrown into the mix at times. Glad your mum's helping you manage. It'll be a good education for her too. I've had plenty of personal epiphanies while figuring out ways to help my kids manage. My kids raise me well, just like you're doing for your mum. Good job. It can be tough raising adults, hey 🙂

Wondering if you have anything you can meditate on, to help with the anxiety. Do you have a pet whose fur you can meditate on, how it feels? What about certain sounds or music? Maybe even meditating on your breath, making it audible, loud enough to hear. Listen to the venting or out breath. This can be hard to practice, for our mind will naturally keep coming back to the thought which is perhaps stressing us out. Practicing refocusing can take a lot of time until we can practice masterfully maintaining focus on the breath, more than the thought that distracts us from it.

Had an epiphany just the other day: If a thought begins to stress us and we then begin to focus only on that thought then aren't we in fact meditating on a stressful thought? Meditation can be a powerful thing, one way or another. While meditation or focus holds the potential to calm and relax our mind and body, it also holds the potential to send the mind and body into states of hyperactivity/anxiety. Being conscious of what we're meditating on is significant. The cafe outing is a good example of the power of a focus shift. You began meditating on good company, the taste of the food you enjoyed, the atmosphere etc. You could even take it a step further and ask yourself 'How did the food lead you to feel?', focusing in on that. If you could describe the taste as a sensation, what would that sensation be, in your mind and body; excitement, happiness, peace, joy? Yes, I'm a self proclaimed 'emotional eater'. I love feeling emotion or sensation through what I eat and drink. This way, eating and drinking become sensational experiences, not just things we have to do in life.

I love epiphanies. By nature, they hold the power to free us from old boundaries and beliefs. Every time we get one, we wake up a little bit more, becoming more conscious.

If you can, relay to your mum what works when it comes to managing. That way you can both add those management strategies to your tool bag when it comes to building your new life.

🙂