Feeling worthless and losing control

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Just saying a quick hello before I go on, I'm new to these forums hoping to become a part of this community.

Basically I've felt myself really struggling with the effects of low self-esteem lately on me and feeling really worthless. I've always had fairly low self-esteem in relation to my image since I was really young but I used to at least be happy about my abilities and was overall fairly positive.

This year however - and especially the past couple of months - I've habitually been excessively judgemental of myself and been practicing some unhealthy coping mechanisms. I've been constantly picking out all my flaws like saying to myself I'm ugly and that I'm no good at the sports I play and that no one prioritises their friendships with me because they don't care about me (because honestly that's what has been happening recently). Over the past couple of months I've been at a constant all time low where I don't seem to feel happy much and I'm constantly distracted by the fact that I feel terrible.

It feels like I'm out of control and I hate the feeling, but I've discovered to regain control I distort my eating patterns to starve myself in the mornings up until after school where I can't handle it and I end up bingeing. It sickens me every day that I can't control myself in that way but I know I've gotten into a brutal cycle and it feels like it will only stop when I learn to have control over my eating, only to starve myself all day. I also started self harming about a month ago, but I stopped that about a week ago and even though its been tempting I'm so far resisting the urge.

I've been regularly in contact with a counsellor from kids helpline over the past month and a half and its been helpful but I'm still struggling to find the worth in being resilient when I can't even find it in myself. I feel really down all the time and I'm tempted to just follow my emotionally unstable thoughts and not try to fix stuff because I'm on my own anyway (well that's what it feels like) but I'm at a dilemma in my head between giving up and me 'logically' knowing that I need to fix something. That being said, the fact that I understand that makes me seem like I've got myself sorted even though I don't and it puts me off seeking help further (in person). I want help but I feel like my problems aren't big enough and I'm scared of being judged even though I know it will be to the contrary but I really struggle to accept it when people actually say that I am deserving.

[therising]

Hi jumpy jellyfish 🙂

I believe the best therapists are intuitive ones, ones who can pick up on subtle hints when it comes to discussing certain subjects with their clients. You could be spot on, imagining she's possibly taking notes regarding an inability to open up about certain matters. Trust that she'll lead you to be someone who can open up, in time.

Wondering if you've considered writing down anything you'd like to discuss with her and handing her that paper you've written on. Could involve a single topic with a possible list to choose from

• I don't know how I've got to this point in my life
• I don't know why I don't want to eat
• I don't know why I feel the way I do
• I don't know why I find certain challenges in life so difficult

I imagine there are other things you'd like to add to the list. It kind of becomes like a 'wonder list', which includes all the things you wonder about. If it's easier, you could start with a minor topic and gradually become expert at discussing things on your wonder list, to the point of eventually discussing the more challenging topics. It becomes a matter of 'What would I like to know about myself?'

Regarding that English assignment, try not to be too hard on yourself. I know, easier said than done. As I say to my son 'Under the circumstances, do the best you can. Once the circumstances begin to change, your best will begin to change. In the meantime, try to cut yourself some slack'. It's taken more than 3 months to finally get an appointment with a neuropsychologist, to address his focus issues. He's doing a brilliant job in coping under the circumstances, with me carefully pushing him (which he appreciates). He admits, his work isn't his best but it is his best under the circumstances, with serious focus issues in play. The goal is to have him gradually prepare to do his best work for year 10 exams at the end of the year. We've got time and a solid set of goals to manage before then, including diet, exercise (largely to increase blood circulation in the brain), supplements, mental health/perception strategies, the neuro's help and so on. Like you, he's in a process of graduating to making a difference. It can definitely be frustrating when it's a slow graduation.

Whether we're around 15 or 50, it takes an open mind and a certain amount of natural intelligence to seek out guidance, in the way of life's challenges and the need to understand our self better. You're doing a brilliant job, better than what you may believe.

🙂

[jumpyjellyfish-]

hey, thank you and sorry btw for the late reply

i feel really anxious about the idea of giving her what's concerning me written down because it feels like it's out of my control then for some reason even though i guess it's just the less upfront version of addressing it directly so i dunno. honestly though i feel like if i do that, I'll end up instead just telling her so maybe having figured out what I'm gonna say might alleviate some anxiety. worth a try

that's the motto at the moment definitely, like i try push myself but im just sometimes not up to it and i guess thats ok. my perfectionism screams otherwise though its kind of a battle between high expectations of myself and not caring which does bring about a balance but just not in the nicest way. im glad your son has been able to get support, that's great that he's working around those focus issues to do the best he can right now 🙂

thank you hope you're going well 🙂

[therising]

Hi jumpy jellyfish 🙂

It's still early days, trying to get a feel for what you're comfortable saying to your therapist. It's a challenge, coming to feel a sense of ease and openness with someone who began as a stranger not too long ago. All in good time. You'll find what you're naturally comfortable with, even if that involves raising somewhat uncomfortable issues. Be patient with yourself in the process. Remember, you're new to this path. You should be proud of yourself, being on it in the first place. Many people can go a lifetime refusing to seek out the kind of guidance you've been determined to find and have now found.

High expectations coupled with not caring so much can definitely make for a challenging mental battle ground. To be in 2 minds while figuring out which one to trust is a challenge. Do I trust the thoughts that say 'Don't show 'weakness' or vulnerability' or do I trust that which comes to mind which says 'Let it out. Say what you really want or need to say'? In time, you may discover that you naturally come to find good reason for letting certain things out. You might naturally come to care less about keeping things to yourself. If you think 'No, that's just not me', I've come to discover for myself over the years that I'm not who I think I am: A lot of the things I once thought were not me are now a part of who I am. If you imagine being given the chance to meet your future self and you actually met that self, chances are you would say 'No way, that's not me! I don't believe it!'. Ahh, if only time travel was a thing and we could meet with our future self, who has evolved through the most mind altering of challenges, we could gain greater confidence in who we really are, gain greater confidence in our potential.

🙂

[Guest_4643]

Hey jumpy jellyfish, how are you going?

[jumpyjellyfish-]

hey therising, sorry i haven't responded for a while haven't been on the forums for a bit

I guess I'm just frustrated with myself that I can't share what's going on. Like I have pretty bad anxiety which she's trying to help me with but that anxiety stops me in the first place from talking. I've also been feeling physically sick from anxiety really often, and it's been tiring to deal with. Just wish it would stop.

Still talking to KHL counsellor who offered wrap around care (like she could contact my psych every once in a while to offer the best supports). Don't know how I feel about that - it just seems overwhelming.

mb20lover I've been not great to be honest, and thank you for asking btw. Schoolwork sucks and I want to give up on it and my friendships are a bit messy and I don't know who to trust. I'm just really sick of it and I feel alone. Not being motivated to do anything just makes me blame myself for everything though, and it's like a balancing act.

Past few weeks I've been restricting/bingeing/purging almost everyday. I feel out of control, though that's what's keeping the cycle going. I feel like I'm not 'sick enough' to get help with it. It also makes me feel bad though that I have an in person support but I'm too anxious to tell her anything.

I wish it would all just go away and that I wouldn't have to struggle anymore. I've been having suicidal thoughts a fair bit but I'm safe. Just exhausted..

Hugs to both of you xx

[Guest_4643]

Hey jumpy jellyfish, nice to see you.

I'm sorry you've been physically sick, I hope you feel better soon, hopefully it's just from anxiety and nothing serious. I had the same thing recently, I still do some days. Hmm, interesting with the KHL Counsellor. Whenever I try a helpline, I can never get through. I tried Lifeline just before and it got cut off for no reason mid chat, so that was upsetting. I'm sorry you're struggling. School work is hard yeah, and making and keeping friends is also, I know how that feels. I wish I had some friends myself. You don't need to blame yourself, you're just struggling but trying your best and that's okay. I'm proud of you.

You have every right to get help, I'm sorry you've been doing that too. I'm sorry you're feeling suicidal aswell, I'm glad you're safe.

Hugs back xx

[jumpyjellyfish-]

yeah i think it has just been anxiety because it's also been alongside the feeling of my heart beating loudly or racing in my chest even though it's not, usually when im stressed or nervous (which has been way too much recently tbh)

im sorry you got cut off on lifeline chat - that would have been upsetting. im really lucky for my counsellor because ive been talking to her for a few months now and she's always been really supportive. she's the only actual person who knows everything ive been going through even though (and because) it isnt face to face support. Still, really grateful for her but I just find the idea of a helpline being that involved sorta anxiety provoking, even though i feel like it would make things easier. got a bit to think about

thank you xx

[Guest_4643]

Hopefully it's just anxiety and nothing wrong, fingers crossed.

Yes it was upsetting. That's good that you have a good KHL counsellor, I'm happy for you xx

[therising]

Hi jumpy jellyfish 🙂

No one ever really helped me exercise the skills that come with being fearless. Wondering whether you can relate. Imagine having to learn to walk again later in life. If someone said 'You're going to fall many many times, smack your face on the floor on the odd occasion and really be challenged until you master balance and momentum', I'd be thinking 'I'm scared it's going to hurt too much, be too humiliating'. Nothing stops a 'thoughtless' toddler from being so fearless when they're learning to walk, hey.

It's an interesting phrase, 'work yourself out'. From my experience over the years, I've managed to find aspects of myself that I've pulled out of my head to study more objectively. It's kind of like dealing with these aspects in front of you instead of them being in your head running the show. Some people will do this through therapeutic writing, where the words/issues are in front of them to study and make sense of. I suppose you could say, once you work that troublesome part of you out (onto paper), the challenge becomes about understanding it and finding good reason to not let it back in. It becomes about letting it go, in favour of creating room for skill and advancement. I know, easier said than done 🙂

There'll be good reason for you eating and purging, just like there's good reason for me smoking cigarettes. Both are destructive and we know that without anyone having to tell us. They're both coping mechanisms of some kind. I can have my kids say to me 'Mum, you gotta give up' but nothing will change my mind until my mind is changed in some way. I want to find that way, just as you want to find the way to moving beyond your coping strategy. We both want something that makes the difference; we just haven't found it yet. We will. We've already let go of things in our life in favour of difference, so we know letting go is achievable. It's in our nature, proven in the past.

Actually, what comes to mind suddenly is 'energy'. With smoking, I'm sick (because) of not having enough energy. Of course, you get energy from blood oxygen and a lot of other energetic systems throughout the body that smoking impacts. With the energy that comes from good food, it'd be like a double whammy for you - the food side as well as the draining nature of purging. The mental and physical work up involved in anxiety can also be draining. No wonder you're so exhausted.

Be patient with yourself while you're graduating to making sense of things.

🙂

[jumpyjellyfish-]

yeah its not exactly as though anyone else can stop you from being anxious like they can try and teach you ways to cope but inevitably it's up to you because you choose what you do and don't say and do so it's basically just setting up walls and barriers in your head and then having to climb over them while getting some advice on how to do it

purging is sort of me trying to cope with the restricting and bingeing but that started with me trying to manage low self esteem as well as wanting to have control. i don't know what over but just something. i really want to go back to 'normal' but that would mean to me building on self confidence, although admittedly it would be building the bare foundations for self esteem because i feel like i never really learnt to like or appreciate myself