Willpower- where is yours?

[white knight]

Bare with me here.

At 17yo having joined the RAAF I was overweight, unfit and just a boy. I found running long distance very hard especially while carrying lots of weight with equipment.

During long marches there was running in a troop situation. You were required to maintain your location in that troop...no matter what.

Eventually, feeling exhausted I'd fall drop to the back of the troop where my corporal would yell at me and threaten that if I didnt get back to the front I'd fail. Fail meant likely discharge. I'd sprint up the front and stay running there until I dropped back again.

I passed the course but had my corporal not yelled in my ear I would not have ran half that far. I would have given up. Such was my lack of willpower. Obviously I had the physical ability, not the mental determination/strength to carry out my obligations.

As adults with a mental disorder we are less likely to have a disciplinarian yelling over our shoulder to "get out of bed..NOW! So the easier thing to do- stay in bed.

We are fragile people. We know and accept this. We dont like it, but that's the way it is. However if we acknowledge such shortcomings we are half way towards achieving a goal- to break our mental shackles and challenge ourselves beyond any limits we have ever had before.

What might be required is a mentor figure that can tactfully pressure us to take the harder road. Or, for us to develop a plan to gather such strength or change of attitude to achieve the goals we need to implement to improve our daily lives.

How do we do this? If doing it alone, we can attend motivation lectures, probe methods to develop positive thinking techniques, enter a new phase of self change and read up on stories of amazing courage by famous people (eg Shackleton, Mandela etc that succeeded against all odds)

If you have a willing and loving partner that is tactful, you can include him/her in your plans. You wouldnt want a disciplinarian yelling at you but some firm insistance could be the prompting you need. Just refrain from getting angry at them doing what you've endorsed them to do.

You greatest tool with this challenge is honesty with yourself, to recognise your need to be more motivated.

Enjoy your new journey of finding your willpower...it's there hiding...but it is there.

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi Paul

Thanks for your reply. Sounds terrible but I've got miraculous collateral arteries which have taken over the role of supplying blood and oxygen to the bottom part of my leg. So, things aren't bad enough to warrant surgery. I have heard it said before that one should not be deluded into thinking that if a single blockage is found that it is the only one present in the body.

You've inspired me to change my relationship with the smokes. I must grow to dislike them, otherwise nothing's going to change. Actually, a hypnotist I'd seen (in my efforts to give up) said to me 'Smokers will often see cigarettes being like a best friend. I like to ask them what kind of a friend takes your money and poisons/kills you at the same time'. A valid point.

Take care

[therising]

Hi Paw Prints

Thanks for your reply. First I wish to say that I hope you fully recovered from the heart attack. I imagine it must have been a pretty terrifying experience at the time. I also imagine, before this experience, you perhaps had the same mindset as many smokers 'Something like that happens to other people. It won't happen to me'. It's a shocking wake up call.

You wouldn't believe it but yesterday I received delivery of a new fridge. Yes, it has a built in water dispenser (a gimmick the kids insisted on having). The fridge sits right beside the back door, the exit point to my smoking spot. I now have my point of greater consciousness: The back door vs the water dispenser. The Universe delivers at just the right time, so do The Good Guys 🙂 Thanks for your help!

Take care

[therising]

Hi Grandy

Thanks for your reply. The breathing focus is a great idea. I admit that I'm a shocking breather. Went to a physio a couple of years back due to muscle pains in my side and the physio told me the pain was related to me not breathing properly. I tell you what, it was pretty weird to have to relearn how to breathe. It was actually quite difficult to go from the long term habit of shallow breathing to healthy breaths. I've gotten back into bad habits again but shall return to the multiple benefits of mindful breathing, especially in an effort to give away the smokes. I've been meaning to get back into my meditation ritual for some time too, which you have now prompted me to do. Thanks Grandy!

Take care

[white knight]

Hi the rising

Thankyou for your detailed replies- most appreciated and it describes you a lot and your determination.

A few things. The commander/nurturer concept- so true. When only 21yo and recruited into the prison service I was taught how to be an effective officer with inmates that, if not treated well, could risk your safety. So, being- firm, fair, reasonable, firm boundaries and weighing up the sacrifices of ones flexibility were all relevant.

Then there was the officer of care. Compassion, understanding, provision and supply. One often had to swap from commander to nurturer or visa versa quickly like when a inmate was seeking your compassion so he got your attention, taking your focus away from other events like assaults or hiding contraband.

Anyway your commander should imo be one that you will befriend, a likable stern character.

Lateral thinking. Its a growing progressive part of my development. As a warder for example, we had two protesting inmates that climbed a high water tower. There were 12 officers at the bottom planning how to get them down. Some grabbed ropes and harnesses.

The governor arrived, looked up at the inmates then directed all but 2 officers to leave the area. "But how do we get them down" ? asked one...

"We dont, they'll come down when they're hungry". And they did, 8 hours later and ate the roast chicken meal waiting for them.

So with your new commander, just because he is a self disciplinarian doesnt mean he cant be compassionate and fair. One can be persuaded without force. My drill sargent can threaten me to catch up to the troop without physically pushing me.

Lateral thinking just for example might be with smoking...you could set your mobile phone alarm to coincide with the time frame of when you can smoke a cig. You then are waiting for an alarm not trying to lengthen the period between cigs when it is actually the same thing.

Embrace your new commander, unlike your old previous commander he's on your side, he just doesnt appear to be.

You're on the right track.

TonyWK

[Elizabeth CP]

Willpower is interesting. As my psych explained we only have a finite amount of willpower & if we are ill or stressed that amount drops. Relying purely on willpower to get through difficult things eg giving up smoking, dieting etc is likely to fail Obviously when we are struggling due to ill health or emotional issues, stress etc our reserves are even lower because we are already using so much of our willpower to keep going against our health or emotional issues.

Rather than relying on sheer willpower we need to use other strategies to succeed particularly when feeling vulnerable. Examples include

• avoiding temptation (eg if you ae trying to lose weight don'r shop when hungry, Don't have biscuits, chocolate in the house, Have healthy snacks on hand to make it easy to choose wisely. If trying to give up cigarettes avoid being around smokers,
• Enlist help For example I'm trying to lose weight so I've got my husband on bard so he can encourage me & we eat the same healthy meals I just give him extra bread or potatoes etc as he doesn't need to lose weight. I struggle to keep my temper under control when really stressed & my husband would react making things worse. Trying to use willpower to keep my temper didn't work but when I explained what was happening (with my psychs help) we came up with a signal so I could let him know when I felt I was losing control & he knew what to do to avoid getting caught in the negative cycle. Whatever the issue is ask your friends & loved ones to help & be specific about what you want them to do to help you
• Find ways to make it easy to chose to do the right thing. Eg if trying to get fitter chose activities you enjoy so you want to exercise. For me walking up a nice hill to a lovely view is a pleasure whereas forcing myself to jog anywhere would be a impossible. Spending time doing something I enjoy takes me away from the temptation of food so makes it easy to stick to my diet. I had a friend who took up crocheting to give up smoking as it gave her something to do with her hands She couldn't hold a cigarette & crochet at the same time. Obviously each person would need to chose something which they enjoyed. I heard of someone else who took up furniture restoration as it was so engrossing it took their mind off everything else.
• Don't compare yourselves with others. Beating yourself up for having less willpower than others won't help & is not true anyway. Things I find easy will be hard for someone else & vica versa.

[white knight]

Hi Elizabeth.

Isnt it amazing how we learn from each other here.

Re: "As my psych explained we only have a finite amount of willpower...." I didn't know that. So there is more a case for lateral thinking and other ideas in finding inner strength.

TonyWK

[Elizabeth CP]

I also think success helps to strengthen us while failure weakens us. Another good reason for using lateral thinking to set ourselves up to succeed.

Small achievable steps help us succeed & stay motivated to keep going. For example I'm trying to increase my fitness so I can do a trek later this year so I have planned to walk a certain distance each week increasing it a small amount each month until I reach my final goal. This means I only have to focus on the small goal rather than being overwhelmed by the overall goal.

[therising]

Hi TonyWK

Thanks for the mobile phone alarm idea. I will be feeling a little like a smoking version of Pavlov's dog. It's totally doable and a brilliant idea.

The roast chicken was a very clever tactic indeed! The right motivation can move mountains, inmates and prisoners of addiction.

I love lateral thinking. I must agree with the master of lateral thinking, Edward de Bono, when he stated what a shame it is that children are not taught how to think. Whilst they study math, English, science etc, it is a rare school/institution that teaches the actual subject of thinking. He notes schools which do have thinking as a subject go on to excel in both areas of academic achievement and mental well-being. Interesting.

By the way, I met with my Commander on a few occasions today. Surprisingly, this aspect of me happens to be rather encouraging, motivating and a lot kinder than the old version.

Take care

[therising]

Hi Elizabeth CP

Your advice, wisdom and encouragement is inspiring. Thank you! I will begin working with a solid plan starting tomorrow. I'll include my mum in my plan. She's an ex smoker who is compassionate and encouraging as opposed to being one of those super critical demoralising ex smokers. Actually, during one of my many attempts to quit, I dragged my mum along for the ride. She didn't have any plans to give up but she loved her daughter (me) so much she joined me in my attempt. That was over 20 years ago and she hasn't smoked since. I'll talk to her tomorrow. She'll be more than happy to help, as she's been wishing for me to give up the cigarettes for health reasons. She's been longing for a sense of purpose a little in her life lately so I'm sure this will serve us both well.

Thanks again and take care

[Elizabeth CP]

Good luck therising. I'm glad you have a mum willing to help & encourage you.