Talking to your inner critic, can it be tamed?

[quirkywords]

Do you have an inner critic ? Have you ever tried to talk to your inner critic. This is what happened when I tried. In my Be yourself thread people asked about how I interviewed my inner critic. So here it is.

This is adapted from a writing exercise to interview your inner critic about one's writing. As my inner critic has an opinion all aspects of my life I decided to broaden the scope of the interview.

Me: I welcome (well I don't really) this opportunity to find out why you always need to have an opinion that is always negative about me and my life.

IC: I thought this was going to be a friendly interchange of ideas but there you go with your anger and hostile remarks. I do not see myself as negative but as helping you, because you do need help.

I am here to help you why can't you see that?

Me: So when I am trying to sleep and you tell me about all my mistakes, embarrassing moments, how does that help me?

IC: I thought while you are in bed you would have time to consider some of your past behaviours. This I feel will only help you to improve.

Me: If you are so helpful why do I feel so worthless, so sad, so ignorant when you are around? Do you really know how low I can feel when you are constantly telling me all my faults?

IC: You make yourself feel that way- I am merely pointing out the truth. It is not my problem that you are so weak.

Me: Maybe this was a bad idea you are never going to listen to me or understand me.

IC: Have you ever thought that maybe you shouldn't listen to me if I upset you so much.

Me How can I ignore you when you are so loud at times.

IC: See this is what I mean you are so weak. You have the power to ignore me, to silence me but all you do is whinge and complain.

Me: I am ending this interview. Enough is enough.

What would you say to your inner critic and what do you want to hear from your inner critic? Maybe you can have a go at interviewing your inner critic.

Quirky

[quirkywords]

Waves at everyone reading and thinking,

I just want to check how inner critics are, quiet I hope and having a rest.

I find when I am very tired I find my inner critic starts nagging me and I do try to use all the strategies I have mentioned on this thread but somehow it is so much easier to help others but so much harder to help oneself.

I am ok and I suppose the trick is not to make yourself vulnerable for negatives messages from your critic by not getting so tired from lack of sleep, or letting external events that you have no control over upset you.

I think I am ranting here, can anyone relate?

Quirky

[White_Rose]

Hello Quirky

I don't think you are ranting but I can relate to wanting to do so at times.

Not sure if these are the same thing. I was talking to my psych about a flashback I often get when on a train and how I keep distracting activities at hand to stop the flashback from unfolding repeatedly. Is this also my IC? I'm not sure if it is something different. In both cases I get the message about my unworthiness and intrinsic badness so I feel they are the sides of the same coin. However my IC tells me I am useless and produces 'evidence' to back up the accusation, while in a flashback it's about the unwelcome reminder of an event that happened and I wish I could change. It usually results in anger about the incident plus lots of shame and hurt and many 'I should have done ...' even while knowing I cannot change the past.

My response to both has been to use diversion to allow me to concentrate on something else far less destructive. e.g. having a book of crossword puzzles or playing solitaire on my phone. However, when I was talking to the psych she commented that diversion was doing more to keep me going back to these occasions instead of allowing it to lose its power. So all my great ideas about removing things of this nature from my thoughts have crashed big time.

Instead she suggested I comfort myself about the event in much the same way as I wrote in here to comfort others. My take on this is to wonder if allowing these things to slide into our consciousness and giving ourselves some comfort will decrease the really horrible power it has to have me in the metaphorical heap on the floor. Is it as though being exposed to these things will build up a resilience to a very distressing event? We may never forget the event but it will lose most of its power to hurt.

And of course is it a manifestation of the IC or something different? Love to know what everyone thinks.

Mary

[Elizabeth CP]

I think the flashbacks are different to IC. Mary mentioned the psych recommending avoiding distractions from the flashbacks. I moved OS for a year shortly after Black Saturday. This was planned prior to the fires soI wasn't deliberately escaping but on returning in the autumn after missing a complete fire season i was shocked to find myself triggered by things related to fires but that had never been a trigger before Knowing logically that I was completely safe made no difference. According to my psych he believed that the time away acted in the same way as deliberately avoiding the situation & made things far worse when I returned. Maybe by deliberately distracting yourself it is acting in the same way as my unintentional avoidance.

Quirky I also find tiredness increases my anxiety, depression & my IC. I have just returned from 2 nights at a friends which was nice & relaxing giving me a break from my normal life. Prior to that I was over tired & really struggling but while away my iC didn't get much time to annoy me. I feel better after the break.

[Quercus]

Your post was facinating to me Elizabeth CP... Reading Mary's post I felt the opposite to you. That the IC is a powerful part of the distress we feel in flashbacks.

What I find so hard about remembering certain things is being overwhelmed by feelings of guilt/shame/regret/embarrassment.

It is hard to allow ourselves to be as forgiving and kind to ourselves as we would be of others. For me a lot of it has to do with my critic stomping my confidence and self worth to bits.

That said I totally agree avoidance makes it all worse. Part of going to psychotherapy was dragging out the awful memories every single week. Discussing. Probing. Questioning. Asking for feedback. Looking with another's neutral support. And my goodness did it hurt.

But eventually those memories weren't as powerful anymore.

I like your idea Mary of comforting yourself. Perhaps when you think of the train event you can pause and imagine you are a spectator. If that was me or Elizabeth or Quirky and you were standing by would you judge us as harshly as you judge yourself? I doubt it.

Quirky is right... We forgive others and judge ourselves. I am my own worst enemy.

Love Nat

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone,

thanks Mary, Elizabeth and Nat for your thought provoking responses . THats what i like about this forum you can pose a simple idea and then people respond in different ways which adds more layers to the original idea.

Mary, I found your post gave me so much to think about. I had not really thought about flashbacks as being part of IC but if they make us feel bad about ourselves then maybe they have something to with inner critic.

I do know when I think of the past it is usually things I have done wrong and regretted and when I can’t sleep I can lay awake for hours going through all my past mistakes!! it is funny ai did not think of this as my inner critic but as me ruminating over the ast and not being able to move forward.

I too have used diversion , and the idea of comfort is one I will try because anything to take the power away from past events is worth a try.

Elizabeth I found your example about the fire and your response made much sense. I can see why it can been seen as avoidance but I would never have seen that myself.

Nat, there was a radio interview recently with a man who had written a book about shame and that he felt so many other feelings we have to back to the feeling of shame.

I agree I can tell others to be kinder to themselves and treat themselves as a good friend but I find that very hard to do myself.u

i am pleased that all,of you Mary Elizabeth and Nat have found a psych you can trust and wonder if I should try again but as there is not much choice where I live i have never found someone I could relate to.

Quirky

[Elizabeth CP]

Reading Mary, Quercus & Quirky's responses shows how we are all different because the original problem is different for each of us but despite this we can still learn from each other. I certainly do. For me that intense fear & anxiety I get when triggered is not my IC but my IC then gets in on the action saying things like 'Your silly there is nothing wrong. Noone else would worry in this situation. Why can't I deal better than it." The logical thinking required to remind myself I'm safe adds ammunition to the IC.

I've noticed that my desire to return to England to escape increases each summer. Remembering how safe I felt there has become an incentive to go rather than wanting to visit family etc. This isn't helpful as I can't go there now in our summer as it is too cold for my husband in their winter

[quirkywords]

Hello all

I too learn so much from these forums and this thread is one I go to when I feel stuck emotionally.

Elizabeth I can relate to your concept of remembering that feeling of being safe. I think for me is going back to a place when I felt special as I have felt a bit weird. on the outer but never special but is more a period of about a month when I was in primary school.

I can't go back in time so I know the feeling wont come back again and my ic keeps telling me that was a fluke. A safe place sounds good but I am lucky that I have often felt safe.

I wonder you other people reading this have a safe or a comforting place they go that is free from their IC?

Thanks Elizabeth and everyone.

Quirky

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone

I have a question for you wonderful people .

What is the difference between having self doubt and having an inner critic. I have a relative who said he has some self doubt but no inner critic.

To me they are one and the same thing . I wonder what other people think?

Quirky

[Music_Freak]

I would say that your inner critic is the voice of self doubt, or it feeds self doubt.

Not sure whether that makes them the same thing, but maybe that you don't have one without the other.

[Happygoluckymiss]

Hey there

I’ve been pondering this all day.

Self doubt to me is decision based on everyday things and not being confident in the decision that I am making or made.

Inner critic is after the fact and the loathing that comes after this.

Self doubt to me, can lead to the inner critic.

They are invariably and inevitably linked.

Just a thought, but open to other explanations

- xo