Minimalism and creating a peaceful space

[Clues_Of_Blue]

My parents are both hopeless hoarders. When I first moved out of Mum's house many moons ago, I marvelled at how much space I had in my tiny little unit. It was a new experience and I loved it. Even so, with me not being inclined to take up the torch of the hoarder, I managed to accumulate a lot. Sentimental bits from my younger days, gifts, free stuff I thought I was just too poor to say no to - could need it later, and not be able to afford it, right? There were also bills and sensitive documents I just didn't know what to do with, and boy do they pile up over the years! And worst of all, relationships - when you live with someone, they bring in their own lifetime of clutter, oftentimes leaving a whole bunch of it behind when they leave. And again related to being poor, if any money came my way I wanted to treat myself. A book, or an article of clothing was often the go to. Guess who had a bunch of books she never read and clothes that didn't get worn.

When I parted ways with my most recent ex, he left an extraordinary tonne of junk behind. I made it my mission to get rid of it, and along with it anything of my own I didn't want any more. I had gifts I neither used or particularly liked, boxes of books I bought with the thought I should get them while I had money to read when I didn't (they moved - along with the sensitive documents - from house to house in boxes that never got opened), even clothes from when I was a teenager (those suckers never gonna fit again, and they sure aren't in style any more). In the course of trying to find more and better ways to pare down all this stuff sucking the life out of me, I discovered there were a whole heap of other people who thought like me and wanted what I wanted. Minimalists. There are articles and blogs and tonnes of inspiration out there, and they helped me immensely.

I've been on the journey for a bit over four years, and it took most of that time to get my home how I want it. But now I can easily find things I want to use and don't have to clean, organise or maintain half as much stuff. I don't feel compelled to buy things on a whim or to feel good, because I just don't need them - I'm actually repelled by the idea of having more objects around me. I now have much more time and space and peace. I thought that worth sharing. What a fantastic tool it's been for looking after my mental health!

[Clues_Of_Blue]

You're welcome, EM. Sounds like we tackle paperwork and bills much the same. Whenever I am able to pay a bill ahead, I do. Takes such a weight off my mind. I also tend to open my main by the recycling bin - envelope straight in there.

I had a little chuckle at the "3 a day". It's a good policy, though. Even just doing those 3 papers a day makes a difference. In all things, small actions made consistently is how real and lasting change happens.

Love your organised and compassionate approach to helping your kids through minimising, it's such a healthy way to do it. Go you (and them)!

I didn't know worms could eat denim, that's pretty impressive. Have considered a worm farm myself, so good for the soil and for waste management, even if I can't grow a garden to save myself.

Understandable that your mother reacted as she did to such a trauma, but it's definitely out of hand. I think my mum being from a less than affluent background had a lot to do with her hoarding, and the other half was PTSD, not being able to face paperwork from the past, she just gave up trying to move forward, sadly. There are so many reasons for hoarding, which is why I think minimalism is so important for mental health, it has a lot to do with tackling emotional baggage, not just physical.

It can be a fine line, I agree, and it's different for everyone. I'm not a very sentimental person, so my minimising consists of a lot of "Aw, I remember that... Bin!" Not one to be held down by my possessions, it is freeing to remember with the mind more so than with physical things.

Glad you stopped in. 🙂

Blue.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Blues - fun thread

i agree with u the smallest of steps is great for long term change

i dont agree with marie kondos idea that you have to clean all at once.
I think that is a great idea but for some people in recovery or just trying to survive - it can put us off entirely. In that case a better piece of advice would be just start.

The rest can sort itself out later.

I often wander about my parents hoarding and how it became that way. My father comes from massive hoarders and his whole family are hoarders.
My mother comes from the opposite - very very neat, but she is a major hoarding culprit.

Even listening to her talk about her posessions has an element of derangement in there."I'm going to get rid of them in the next ten years...."

"One day"

"I'm really working on it"

Another tragic habit is they love picking up trash from the road which they don't need. They have several tables, chair sets, etc - that they have no use for. Nothing can be disposed of. The hoarders mentality is I think - once it enters the home - it never leaves - and there's a massive anxiety to even the idea of disposing of it. The objects become like part of the family and there's a loyalty to them. They can't be "betrayed" by being thrown out.

Sorry if I know too much about this lol I have lived it my whole life. I'm mentally there right now - in my parents house, surrounded by 30 unmtched chairs.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey Quirky,

Thanks, glad you stopped by.

Really sorry to hear you lost everything in the fires. Hopefully only possessions, though even that can be pretty devastating.

Oftentimes when we are in a tricky position like that we are given things and it's hard to say no to the things that aren't actually useful, too, without seeming ungrateful. I hope you're navigating that okay.

As for healthy buying, I guess the main thing is to ask these two questions:

1) Is it useful?

2) Will I get lasting enjoyment out of it?

If the answer is no to both of those, and it's not a consumable item like food, it's probably better not to get it. If you're not sure, sit on it for a while. If you still really want the item in a week or a month or whatever period you decide on, go ahead. I think the big thing is to avoid buying for the sake of buying. If you're not *really* interested in buying a thing, don't. Those are always the purchases I regret.

Kind thoughts to you, Quirky, hope you're getting back on your feet.

[CMF]

Hi Blue and all,

Great thread. I'm guilty of buying things I don't need. Now we are out of lockdown there are soooo many sales. I have enjoyed catching up on retail therapy. I didn't miss the shopping centres that much in lockdown and realised I didn't need to shop. I have tried the turned coat hanger idea and will now do it again. I once tried a new idea. As I like to buy things on sale that I don't need, I'm going to challenge myself to not buy anything but instead , when I feel compelled, put that money aside (that I would have spent) to see how much I would save by not buying things I don't need. I think it will be interesting.

Cmf x

[ecomama]

Hey CMF! hi lol... what's the "turned coat hanger idea"?

LOVE your idea about writing down how much you SAVE by not buying items.

We put a thermometer like drawing on the fridge and colour it in to show how much we saved. We've done this many times and it's really motivating!

That probably belongs on Blue's other thread about saving money too come to think of it.

Now the kids do their own in their rooms or on their phones lol, they've got WAY more disposable income than their mama.

Blue, yes "20 minutes on the clock" works a treat with the kids.
No rewards necessary - I try to develop 'intrinsic rewards'. Training the pets does need edible rewards though lol!

We MOVE furniture alot, from city to city, family to family. Lately it's from my house to other's houses which I love.
Although my brother and SIL leave stuff in my garage and it gave me the heebee jeebees tbh.

But now we give all that stuff and our stuff that's good enough to sell online to a family, neighbours of my daughter, who's both parents lost their jobs this year. I'm SO happy they want it and have recently politely asked if we have more. I can't bare to think of the kids without Christmas presents, they can have the lot lol.

YES worm eat JEANS! After about a year in a huge worm farm, you just pull out the zipper, polyester threads and metal button. I use clothing & old cloths as the worm's blankets on top. Gets eaten no matter where you put it all in a worm farm.
Like most things that came from the earth.

The worms get what the chickens don't eat.

The composts get the rest.

Getting systems in the house is more essential in a big family but it benefits anyone.
We have 3 smallish baskets for dirty laundry in the laundry.
One for blacks, one for whites, one for coloureds.
Kids split their laundry up.
When a basket is full they tip it in the machine & start it.

The towels & linen go straight in or wait on the drying rack if they're wet and the machine's going.

The kids just know what to do, it's been going for so long in my house.
Now my adult children use this system too lol after thinking it was over the top when they lived here!
My younger kids just think it's normal lol.

As a child, anything laundry was like climbing Mt Everest in my house. Nothing organised at all.
Not even the CUTLERY drawer! Mother would just dump it all in and I would spend ages sorting it every week only for her to do it all over again immediately.

Sighh it was what it was.

Love EM

[quirkywords]

Blues clues

Thanks fir your reply,

I was fortunate that we we were safe but my bookshop was destroyed as well. I also had a large personal collect ion if books. Some of them were old and can’t be replaced. Each time I buy a book now I ask do I really want it and will it help me.

Having been through this I do realise that the things you can buy had not much meaning and can be replaced,

it’s the precious cards my children made, letters from my parents and grandparents, historical items from ancestors, handmade items from loved ones that I miss the most.

I would say treasure what you have and ask yourself before buying if it was destroyed would I really miss it.

Things are things but some of them are part of who you are.
I think when you go through an experience like mine you realise what really matters.

Thanks for this thread as it makes me think.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi,

Heads up - this thread is getting long so I may get too overwhelmed and pop out! Until then -

CazzaA - I'm guilty of this too! Taking photos and going digital is something I've started to do as well. If you are a member of a library they can also provide free digital magazine subscriptions, so if you're paying money for subscriptions this can definitely help! As for the hard copy ones, I tend to rip them out and chuck it in a folder, and from there I can decide if it’s worth keeping.

Sleepy21- It’s funny how it’s become our ‘normal’ until it isn’t! What are the papers that you feel you have to keep – is there a way you can go through them and find a way to file the important ones maybe?

Blue- Oh thank you! That’s so comforting to hear. I kind of imagine that it will be an ongoing process, or at least constantly lingering in my mind. I also appreciate the reminder of ‘you can do it’. So true.
I’m generally pretty good at dealing with things ‘coming in’ and already follow all of your suggestions. I did a binge listen of The Minimalists podcast and books and they were full of advice. The Konmari book also resonated with me and that does help to think about things differently. Are you familiar with these?
Some really good thoughts about consumables too – I also realised I really like candles, and that’s a consumable as well 🙂 I’m also going to check out Paprika as well.

Quirky- I recently came across this post about imagining and ideal 'future you'. Would future you want to own this, wear this, have this in her cupboard? Sometimes this can help me filter out some things. I also imagine if what I'm buying fits with my wardrobe now, and if I can see it going with my other outfits - i.e. a black top or pair of jeans is so versatile 🙂

rt

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hi everyone. I've become a little busier than expected, today. Will reply properly to everyone soon. Thanks everyone for your contributions.

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey Sleepy,

Thanks. It's great having some people to share this stuff with.

You're completely right - for most people, trying to do it all at once is just untenable. If you can do it that way, great, but there are so many of us caught up in the effort of just surviving and there isn't that sort of time if there's a lot to go through. Just start is absolutely the best advice in that case. I'd go a step further and say start small for those who are finding the idea just too daunting. Just one drawer or one cupboard or one room. Heck, even one item each day.

Wow, Sleepy, picking up junk off the side of the road is taking it to another level. We can't always know what brings people to that place, I guess. I think it's a lot more prevalent in older people, having not grown up with the same excess that surrounds us now, feeling like things should be repaired and kept forever and anon. I agree with repairing, but like EM, I also believe in moving things on to those who need them.

How are you coping, being surrounded by all that stuff at the moment? I don't do so well in clutter these days, it does my head in.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hi CMF,

Good to see you. The turned coathanger trick is always a good one. It's a great idea to put the money you would have spent on sale items into savings instead. I do that when I'm tempted to gamble. Occasionally I think it would be nice to win a bit of money but ultimately I know it's a system that doesn't favour the punters, so into savings goes the money. Guarantee having something at the end of the day that way. Less tickets/recepits floating about the place, too (just to tie it back to minimalism).

Blue.