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Men isolated

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

I'd like to hear from men. I want to know your inner feelings about anything that you feel isolated about. I'd like to know if you feel that the revolution towards equality of the sexes has gone too far to a point whereby you are feeling inferior to women or you feel women are being treated better in any way - just because you are a man.

Emotionally, are you feeling that you get enough support from females? Do you feel women are afraid to hug you to comfort you for any reason? like you'll take advantage of them? Do you have many female friends? Do you feel that women socialize better? What do YOU want socially?

Feel free, talk, let go of your restraints, take advantage of the anonymous environment to let yourself be heard. We can do this and be in error, that our presumptions are ill directed and unfair. It could be our own inapproachability for example that can sway women away from us when we need them most.

Are we misread? I know when I'm in conflict with someone I come across as a little aggressive or arguing in a normal male manner and that can portray someone that is not in need of support but is someone to avoid. NOTHING could be further from the truth.

So that's one gripe. I feel women don't pursue the friendship care far enough. Such limited care results in my feelings of isolation. I think I'm a "giver" apart from my supportive wife no woman supports me anywhere near the level I give to them. Is this an illusion? What do you think?

Two people. One a woman that enters a group, say a hobby group. She sits down and isn't feeling emotionally well. She is asked a question like "how is your day"? She burst into tears. The whole group of 10 ladies stand and hold her hand, hand on her shoulder, comforting and reassurance. She is not alone. They even ring her later and talk at length. The other person a middle aged male enters a motoring clubroom in his local town, his male friends restore cars and share drinks. He sits and realizes he was in no shape to attend. A guy asks him how his restoration is going. He is upset thinking about his car as due to his depression he hasn't been to his shed for weeks. He suddenly starts crying. The men, all of whom start to feel uncomfortable, mention a few things like" you'll get there don't worry". He is worried because he knows that half of the men there actually think he is a softy by crying, to stand clear of him because he has problems, to avoid him as it might upset their own happy day in the sun....

Tony WK

282 Replies 282

I think it is not a simple equation of number of suicides equals severity of MH issues. I have heard more women attempt suicide than me but are less likely to succeed. My one attempt (as a teenager) failed as I wasn't strong enough to be effective. I was left with intense feelings of failure & was petrified someone would find out & then look down at me for being so stupid!!!

This issue in this thread should not be who is more likely to suicide or who is worse treated. To me that is irrelevant. What matters is recognising men & women are different & that means we all need to accept those differences particularly in working out how best to support men with mental health issues. It is important for women to be part of this thread so we can better understand our role in this issue. We need to learn what we can do to help support the men in our life & we can't learn that without discussing issues with men.

Hi Tony,

I hope it's ok to ask this question here.

I've been wondering how the gay men, the bi men, the transgender men/women out there reading this thread feel about the issues you have brought up for discussion?

I know we can only speak from our own experience. You said very early in this thread that you'd like to hear from those in all walks of life including LGBTIQ community members, and that some of the best advice on mental health you ever got was from two transgender women in the '70s.

I imagine the men out there who identify and experience life differently from the heterosexual mainstream would feel a whole extra level of isolation.

Some would have good support from their communities and families, but many wouldn't and I think the rates of depression and anxiety etc are especially high for people who don't conform to our heteronormative society.

It's been on my mind since the start of this thread, so I hope it's ok to have brought it up here, i hope the guys out there who identify to something other than the mainstream heterosexual norms feel welcome to speak up about their experiences of isolation.

🌻birdy

Hi Birdy,

I agree but all I could do is welcome all people to this thread and hope they make a comment or ask questions. Then it is their choice.

Hi Elizabeth,

My motivation is the numbers. Eg what us the reasons male duicides are more than triple female suicides. Nothing more.

If we can identify a reason or two then we just might save one life by reaching out with those reasons in mind.

Unfortunately to find reasons I feel we must compare the sexes, not make war or degrade.

So its not a female bashing exercise in any way but comparisons.

I read also that females attempt more than men

A good reason to find out why, right here. We can accommodate all these issues around suicide.

Tony WK

This thread is about Men & their mental health. To me the benefit of this thread is enabling readers to learn what support is most helpful to men in need & what we should be looking out for. The more input the better because men are not all clones of each other.

Hopefully this thread will help men identify effective ways to reach out for help.

If that helps anyone be able to reach out & help a friend, acquaintance or loved one to improve their mental health that will be a huge blessing for both the supporter & supported.

Hi Elizabeth

I visited my health nurse.

"How are you mentally 1 to 10"

Me-- "1"

"But you look so bubbly and in control"

That is a common reaction to men with heavy depression imo. On the outside we appear as robust as any time not in depression. We may appear deflated or disinterested but you have to know us well to notice.

Thankyou for you input Elizabeth

Tony WK

Thanks Tony. I suspect if most people asked the question 'How are you? The answer would be 'I'm fine' regardless of how you felt. I suspect only those who you knew well & could trust would be given the honest answer.

If we want to reach out & help men we need to be better at showing we really care & can be trusted to support appropriately rather than brush the comment off or over react. How can we do that better. I am interested in learning.

Hi Geordie, you make a good point, that when you assume, you come to conclusions that may not be the fact.

-You can't take anything for granted

-you can't just assume that a friend is going to pay you back the money you lent him

-you can't jump to conclusions because your circumstances maybe different

-try asking before you make a decision

-because something has happened to someone else, doesn't mean it's going to happen to you

-assumptions can destroy any relationship/marriage

assumptions can lead to false conclusions

I found this quote which has happened to me 'When she gets home in the evening, he prepared what he likes and says, “I didn’t know what you wanted, so I didn’t get anything', you know what happened.

The list is endless.

Geoff.

Quercus
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi everyone,

A thought I wanted to mention but have been hesitant as it may be against the rules. But I'll keep it vague.

Triggers below.

I heard once that the difference between the statistics between male and female suicides is choice of method.

I wonder is there any fact behind this?

I think of a childhood friend whose father attempted suicide. She was the one to find and save him. And compare him to myself.

At my very lowest I had a plan for committing suicide. I often wonder at the differences between his method and mine.

Mine took time and planning. His decision was spur of the moment.

My plan had many opportunities for me to change my mind. Or for others to intervene. His plan was very quick. No time to think. It was luck my friend came home.

He chose shock and violence. I chose to dissapear and leave quietly.

It makes me wonder.

Are the statistics different because of the methods men choose are more likely to be successful?

I don't know. What do you think?

Nat I think you are right. I believe men are more successful partly because of the methods used.

We all know there are too many suicides. Men typically are less likely or able to express their feelings & reach help. I need to better understand what I can do to help the men in my life if they experience MH issues. What signs should I be looking for. I currently have a son with serious MI & my husband is in hospital following an illness & injury but the combination of pain, medications & just feeling useless is affecting his thinking & making him depressed & wanting to give up.

I hope this thread allows everyone to ask questions to promote discussion & get men to express how they feel, and what helps them. I hope this will help all of us to better understand so we can provide better support & reduce the suffering.

I wonder if one problem is the stigma of MI & the impact on both the person & those providing support. Too often when people think of MI they remember the reports about the person exhibiting extreme inappropriate behaviour. On the news we don't hear about the person too depressed to leave the house. We hear about someone harming others because of their MI. This means people in the public are afraid of people with MI & feel unable to help. This needs to change!!!

A friend of mine had a son who was BP. There were times he did some things which were inappropriate while manic. The sad part was that he was stuck with that label from then on. His mother who stuck by him was isolated for trying to help him. His father walked out & his younger sibling became severely depressed. Decades later he is still very unwell & both him & his brother are unable to work. The mother is really struggling trying to manage on her own & feeling judged by family & ex friends for supporting her adult children. Maybe if there was less judgment early on & acceptance that the son was ill & needed a chance to live a normal life once treated so his condition was under control things would have been different. I imagine this is not an isolated case. Better support & more understanding is needed not just for the MI person but for those family members or friends trying to support their loved ones. What do others think?