Men isolated

[white knight]

I'd like to hear from men. I want to know your inner feelings about anything that you feel isolated about. I'd like to know if you feel that the revolution towards equality of the sexes has gone too far to a point whereby you are feeling inferior to women or you feel women are being treated better in any way - just because you are a man.

Emotionally, are you feeling that you get enough support from females? Do you feel women are afraid to hug you to comfort you for any reason? like you'll take advantage of them? Do you have many female friends? Do you feel that women socialize better? What do YOU want socially?

Feel free, talk, let go of your restraints, take advantage of the anonymous environment to let yourself be heard. We can do this and be in error, that our presumptions are ill directed and unfair. It could be our own inapproachability for example that can sway women away from us when we need them most.

Are we misread? I know when I'm in conflict with someone I come across as a little aggressive or arguing in a normal male manner and that can portray someone that is not in need of support but is someone to avoid. NOTHING could be further from the truth.

So that's one gripe. I feel women don't pursue the friendship care far enough. Such limited care results in my feelings of isolation. I think I'm a "giver" apart from my supportive wife no woman supports me anywhere near the level I give to them. Is this an illusion? What do you think?

Two people. One a woman that enters a group, say a hobby group. She sits down and isn't feeling emotionally well. She is asked a question like "how is your day"? She burst into tears. The whole group of 10 ladies stand and hold her hand, hand on her shoulder, comforting and reassurance. She is not alone. They even ring her later and talk at length. The other person a middle aged male enters a motoring clubroom in his local town, his male friends restore cars and share drinks. He sits and realizes he was in no shape to attend. A guy asks him how his restoration is going. He is upset thinking about his car as due to his depression he hasn't been to his shed for weeks. He suddenly starts crying. The men, all of whom start to feel uncomfortable, mention a few things like" you'll get there don't worry". He is worried because he knows that half of the men there actually think he is a softy by crying, to stand clear of him because he has problems, to avoid him as it might upset their own happy day in the sun....

Tony WK

[white knight]

Quercus

Sometimes it takes a jolt. My wife sometimes says "how about we go into town for lunch?" And unbeknown to me she's made a doctors appointment. Thanks for your reply, very spot on.

Geoff

You ate right. Mine is along the lines of being spoken to like I'm a little boy. The best example is the scales. They always ask me to stand on the scales..i hate it.

Now I'm a whopping 140kg. (I'm taller lying down) and out comes the "do you want to see a dietician?

The fact is I'm an extremely healthy eater but a/ I consume too much and b/ i cant exercise much due to DVT in both legs, crook knees etc. It is a serious trigger. I have an appointment this arvo. I think when asked I'll just say "dont go there doc"

So to that list I'd add patronising and reminders about weight.

"afraid to be told they have prostate even though they are struggling to go to the toilet"

prostate cancer is a very serious issue- I can only hope guys reading this take note.

Please.

Tony WK

[Geordie61]

Hello everyone

Briefly my story is , i had depression for a very long time, over the past 10 years , life and business and relationship pressures got greater and it lead of Clinical depression, Severe anxiety and paranoia., leading to me believing my wife wasnt intrested in me, by the way she stopped being physical and questioned the need for sex in our marriage. and when a nice younger lady showed some interest , I had an affair.Which I admitted to my wife , Needless to say during the previous 10 years whilst my condition deteriorated, my wife , chose to be oblivious to my condition.

We seperated. my condition pushed me to the point of ending it all , on two occassions.

My wife like to plays the victim , as i believe many people do, and i have been made out to be the Evil Devil of all times, However, thats not the point of my posting.

Of course the ladies in our social group turned against me, the men were fine and i have continued to have good relations with them.

BUT, its wasnt the fact that i was suffering with a mental health condition, that they supported me, just the fact i was a mate.

When i explained my mental health situation, only a couple took any notice.

SO, I decided to step up and write blogs about my mental health story and the lack of awareness and understanding , and the lack support in friendship groups that exists, the feed back , likes and comments has been fantastic.

I also an very open with people about my journey and my illness and my recovery and every day challenges that come with it.

I suggest you dont wait to be asked if you are ok, call up a mate and have a chat, dont be a hero. Theres no need to feel embarrassed. The only way we are going to get help, reduce the number of suicides, get a better understanding of how Mental health issue can effect our behaviour, is talking about it, unfortunatley there are always going to be the people with victim mentalities, but perhaps peer group pressure and a deeper understanding of what we are going through, even they will come around.

Those of us who are open , upfront, and are willing to talk about there journey are doing a great job, its a great feeling talking about it, its not a case of looking for sympathy, and i make sure i emphasis that.

The other key point, is having gone through the journey. it makes you more sensitive to others around you, and how they are acting, and you an say, your not your usual self, are you ok.

[Ddom]

Hi Tony,

Like Geoff pointed out above in his list it is vast as the days of the year.

for me personally, i never had a problem with seeing health professionals. i get very anxious now having seen to many and to many bad ones.

@Quercus i am so glad you love your hubby and are there to help him help himself. but ..do you know why he wont help himself ? do not mean to offend but.. i am not a fan of emotional blackmail and guilt trips.

[Ddom]

Hi Tony,

i to find patronising reminders can be frustrating mostly because your doctor/gp should know your limitation already. and most people are aware these days that exercise and healthy eating are part of living well. 😉

would recommend swimming if your able to and find the motivation.

when i am able i go after lunch.less peeps around any any exercise will help.

peace out

[white knight]

Hi Geordie

It just goes to show, people shouldn't judge marital situations. As I said to my mates after my split with my ex wife in 1996, "you never know what goes on behind closed doors and what doesn't go on behind closed doors". Interesting how that group of women turned against you, that why I mentioned it. Easy to judge.

I think your post reminded me of a group session I attended many years ago. I went there because of issues to do with my mother. At this "GROW" meeting I explained the situation and not much feedback. Then afterwards a man approached and gave me a GROW leaflet "chapter 3" he said. I read it, it was about emotional blackmail and the damage it can do. That one bit of advice, two words and a referral to a chapter in a book and that was the beginning of my realization there was something terribly wrong with my mother.

So in respect to your opinion about being open to mates about a problem, I haven't had similar success but I take on board that it could be a simple comment that can spark a realization of what - we don't know.

Thankyou.

Ddom

I just saw my doctor. He is a nice placid Indian man I've seen 3 times now. I get him to do my INR, which is a blood measurement for medication for deep vein thrombosis. Anyway he again couldn't use the machine correctly. A nurse came and showed him. From then on he was fine and I kept saying to him "can you remember the INR machine procedure?

Odd how he had trouble with that machine yet his experience in the mental health field is vast. EG I've been let down by a few people lately. That has been a trigger to some really down moods and sadness. I just don't feel appreciated at all in many fields. So I mentioned this to him, he sat back and said "It isn't a world whereby appreciation is offered regularly, your reward is inside you, it was presented a long time ago Tony. Don't be hard on yourself and accept that some people just don't observe others as they should." Paraphrasing.

So I do 3 things now- I guide the doctor if he/she is on the wrong track like that INR machine, I don't take crap from them if they are abusive (yes it happens like asking for a script and get told off because I should have one at home) and - I try to ask a crucial question and see if I can get an answer I can work with. But I don't expect miracles and I swap doctors regularly in my clinic.

Tony WK

[Ddom]

Hi Tony,

Thank you!!..for the healthy reminder that the field of medicine never alone mental health is so vast the constant training and learning they have to go through is vast. Constant introduction of new technologies, research and implementation of them. So many different people and possible out comes with science trying to explain it all.

peace out

[Quercus]

Hi Tony,

I like your attitude towards doctors. They're only human too. Just because they are a doctor doesn't mean they are saints or perfect themselves.

I had to get a new referral for my rheumtatologist because it turned out the whole time I had been seeing her my 'referral' was invalid (she had failed exams and actually wasn't a GP). Funnily enough she was the best bloody doctor I've ever seen.

And DDom,

This made me laugh actually (thanks I needed it)...

@Quercus i am so glad you love your hubby and are there to help him help himself. but ..do you know why he wont help himself ? do not mean to offend but.. i am not a fan of emotional blackmail and guilt trips.

I laugh because I only give what I get in return 😂.

There isn't a day I don't get nagged or cajoled or encouraged or bossed in return by hubby about my weight or my joints (autoimmune disease) or mental health or mood swings so I figure I'm allowed to manipulate and be a toad in return sometimes. Never claimed to be perfect haha.

I'm not offended by the way. You don't know us and are allowed your own views 😊.

To answer your question. Yes I know why he won't seek help and no I won't discuss it (his problems to share not mine). My priority is keeping him alive. If he one day hates me for it tough luck.. At least our kids will have their Dad. Thankfully I know he has my back in the exact same way.

I'm curious Tony... Do you see your wife's and my own behaviour (booking appointments when we know our spouse won't reach out) as appropriate or is it not really ok?

[Ddom]

Hi Quercus,

So glad i did not offend...as you rightfully pointed out i know you both not at all.

I do like the way you remind him you love him adore him for himself. lucky man.

I wish you all the best.

peace out

Ddom

[white knight]

Hi Quercus

Re: "I'm curious Tony... Do you see your wife's and my own behaviour (booking appointments when we know our spouse won't reach out) as appropriate or is it not really ok?"

Its fine by me. Its like someone nudging me along. A feminine arm on my shoulder caring for me.

My last girlfriend (so many and such little time lol) tricked me once. She set up an appointment for a "check up" but once in the doctors company mentioned my moods and how it effected her. I was outraged for the underhanded approach.

The doctor, an old man asked me about it. I discussed it but fumed. At the end I asked if he could prescribe medicine for her. He asked what for..."slapping my face".

Sadly he said "you're a big boy, you can handle it". I walked out. He'd endorsed her, she tricked me. That contributed to us ending our relationship.

Sorry, I digressed. My wife is a wonderful carer to me. So she knows how to subtly nudge me along.

Tony WK

[Geordie61]

Hi Tony

I completed a diploma in CBT, and still see my counsellor on a 6 monthly basis,

If i could offer some suggestions, if you are feeling down on yourself as yourself are you making assumptions, and generalisations, Both these come from the negative part of our brain, and are basically not logical.

Generalisation are words we use like , always, never, these are not logical.

if you start thinking, for eg, this always happens, remind yourself its not logical and not true.

hope this is of value