Men isolated

[white knight]

I'd like to hear from men. I want to know your inner feelings about anything that you feel isolated about. I'd like to know if you feel that the revolution towards equality of the sexes has gone too far to a point whereby you are feeling inferior to women or you feel women are being treated better in any way - just because you are a man.

Emotionally, are you feeling that you get enough support from females? Do you feel women are afraid to hug you to comfort you for any reason? like you'll take advantage of them? Do you have many female friends? Do you feel that women socialize better? What do YOU want socially?

Feel free, talk, let go of your restraints, take advantage of the anonymous environment to let yourself be heard. We can do this and be in error, that our presumptions are ill directed and unfair. It could be our own inapproachability for example that can sway women away from us when we need them most.

Are we misread? I know when I'm in conflict with someone I come across as a little aggressive or arguing in a normal male manner and that can portray someone that is not in need of support but is someone to avoid. NOTHING could be further from the truth.

So that's one gripe. I feel women don't pursue the friendship care far enough. Such limited care results in my feelings of isolation. I think I'm a "giver" apart from my supportive wife no woman supports me anywhere near the level I give to them. Is this an illusion? What do you think?

Two people. One a woman that enters a group, say a hobby group. She sits down and isn't feeling emotionally well. She is asked a question like "how is your day"? She burst into tears. The whole group of 10 ladies stand and hold her hand, hand on her shoulder, comforting and reassurance. She is not alone. They even ring her later and talk at length. The other person a middle aged male enters a motoring clubroom in his local town, his male friends restore cars and share drinks. He sits and realizes he was in no shape to attend. A guy asks him how his restoration is going. He is upset thinking about his car as due to his depression he hasn't been to his shed for weeks. He suddenly starts crying. The men, all of whom start to feel uncomfortable, mention a few things like" you'll get there don't worry". He is worried because he knows that half of the men there actually think he is a softy by crying, to stand clear of him because he has problems, to avoid him as it might upset their own happy day in the sun....

Tony WK

[white knight]

Thanks Elizabeth.

So we have do's and dont's

Do's-

-Educating men into active support of their own sex. Actually I'll correct that....for anyone!
-Measured and timed humour
-Silent company
-Providing/asking- a cup of tea/coffee
-Showing you care by suggesting shared activities- distrations
-Providing opportunities to talk (one could have lifeline numbers handy in case they wont want to talk to you but will to them.
-Be patient

Dont's

-be very wary of giving advice or trying to 'fix' the problem

Tony WK

[Elizabeth CP]

another do

Allow people to change their mind. They might not want to talk right now or they may not feel like doing what you suggested but they may be ready to talk or do something later or another day .

Try to suggest activities they may like or provide options. I don't want to watch footy on TV or play video games but I might enjo

Another don't

Don't take offence. When a person is suffering they are not always thinking straight & can say or do things which are hurtful but they don't mean this. It is the suffering talking

[white knight]

Thanks Elizabeth

Updated. Actions you can take to assist a distressed person

Do's

Do's-

-Educating men into active support of their own sex. Actually I'll correct that....for anyone!
-Measured and timed humour
-Silent company
-Providing/asking- a cup of tea/coffee
-Showing you care by suggesting shared activities- distrations
-Providing opportunities to talk (one could have lifeline numbers handy in case they wont want to talk to you but will to them.
-Be patient

- allow them to change their mind

- suggest activities

Dont's

- be wary that its best not to "fix" the problem. Support doesnt have to include remedies

- dont take offence with words or rejection. Remember they are not themselves

Tony WK

[PamelaR]

Hello Tony (wave to everyone)

The thread is flourishing Tony.

Just wanted to respond to Paul who never had women give him support he needed. I'm sorry to hear that Paul. You are a lovely person and I'm really sad to hear you were supported by women. My heart goes out to you and give you all the warm, heart felt energy you need.

Life, people, attitudes, values are all different. Perhaps your friends, maybe were worth your time??

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Elizabeth CP]

The other important point is to reach out to people when you think they are going through a difficult time or look a bit down. It is easier to help someone before they get really bad. A friendly caring word or action may stop them going down into a depressed state. Prevention is better than cure.

[white knight]

Hi Paul,

Im sorry I missed your post. Im on wireless and weather the last 2 days hasnt been good.

I think your comment "....My male friends tried to understand and hung in there with me which was great however my close girlfriends 'disappeared' as they 'had to go out and socialise' when I was a nervous wreck"

This was common when younger. I called them "giggling gertie's" and I apologise if anyone takes that offensively but I did find many young people at the time self centred.

Fast track to my 40's and women that age were far different. As Quercus pointed out when at a bbq- men remained in a group when a mate was in need.

Men dont help men!.

Most women dont help men as we are seen as Adonus's.

Now 2018, we know from statistics that we are way off reducing suicide rates in men. Some hard truths need to be confronted.

Men dont help men

Women dont help men

Women help women

The exception are of course there.

Roughly speaking-thats a problem. There might be other issues effecting suicide rates in men we dont know about

Is there any connection with upbringing?

I and my 2 siblings had a narcissistic mother likely with BPD. I didnt see much of dad as he worked long hours. My brother suicided in 1979 age 26. Apart from type 1 diabetes he was healthy. My sister and I both later found we have bp2 anxiety and depression. Both of us have attempted suicide.

I once googled "children of a parent with bpd". Many of them end up with mental illness

Social anxiety is another possible.

Please note: Im not targetting those with bpd. I'm also not demonising women. We are collectively trying to educate ourselves in how to help with prevention of male suicide.

To do that we have to be raw in honesty.

Tony WK

[blondguy]

Hi TonyWK

No worries....You have never demonised women or anyone with bpd either. I look forward to reading this thread especially after your introductory post

I dont want to paraphrase or quote you or anyone on your thread and I agree with your life experience when you wrote that men dont help men, women dont help men and women helping women

As you mentioned the suicide rates for males are woefully high

Thankyou for your insightful post..Paul

[kanga_brumby]

Both Tony and Paul are so close in truth to the one really big truth out there as I have found in my life. I have gone running to my brothers side when he and his partner lost there first born child not knowing what he needed, but just to be there and support them both in their hour of need. but when I have asked for help they were both no where to be found. Even if I rang and asked them personally the answer was always no without a reason why which is not what our farther taught us which was you always help family sometimes dropping every thing else except the really important things but when they meet their maker they will answer to them as I will answer to mine

Kanga

[Doolhof]

Hi Tony and Everyone,

Things that may help:

Be prepared to listen if the person wants to talk, even if it is uncomfortable.

Turn your bloody mobile phone off! Show the person you really are there for them.

Offer a hug, if they don't want one that is oaky.

Be prepared to ask if there is anything you can do to help.

Keep in touch. Even if it is just a quick text or short phone call, let the person know you care.

Offer some phone helpline numbers, you never know if the person may use them sometime.

Tell the guy it is okay to not feel like he is in control (Same for women)

Don't leave a person hanging there, try and find a way to connect. Even if you think it is just sitting on the couch watching the footy together, a cooking show, watching the lawn grow, or what ever, just being there is the most important thing ever!

Hugs to all you blokes who would like one.

Cheers from Dools

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone.

Tony, I have just caught up with reading from when I last [posted and there are some great posts and some real honesty.

Purely from my own experience I can say it maybe difficult for a woman to help a man when she has a male partner. I found when I was single I have helped my male friends, even held their hand and reassured them. I found when I had a partner they were jealous and did not want me to spend time helping a man in need. They knew we were just friends but the thought of me spending time with another man no matter how much he needed help was a deal breaker.

That was just my experience and I am sure there are many different reasons. I have always had male friends but I have never had a partner who could accept this. So I had to cut off relationships with males, but I did send emails to a friend who was struggling but that then turned me into a liar as I had promised to cut off all contact. It can be very complicated.

As was mentioned there are exceptions to women not helping men so I wonder if any other women don't help men due to jealousy from their partner. Is it an age thing, my sons in their 30s don't have a problem with their partners having male friends and helping them.

You asked for honesty and this has been my experience. I had never thought about women not helping men until now because I try to help anyone if they are in need. Thanks for bringing up this topic and as I said this is just my limited experience that I wanted to share. Thanks again for this thread.

Quirky