Be Yourself but who am I?

[quirkywords]

I have often been told to just be myself but then I am encouraged to be softer, think less, eat less, worry less, relax more , exercise more, be more confident, less timid, less cautious, more adventurous,less selfish, stop being a people pleaser, be happier, be kinder , ask less questions and the list goes on.

I find this confusing if I am to be myself why must I change?

The other problem is who am I, which self should I be: the introvert, the extrovert, the cautious, the risk-taker, the overthinker, the fast talker, the quiet one, the indecisive one, the spontaneous one, the carefree one, the worried one, the selfish one, the altruistic one, and much more.

Thse two words be yourself seem so easy for many people but not for me as it fills me with many questions.

I will limit myself to two questions .

Can you be yourself without changing?

Is it possible to change/improve a part of yourself and still be yourself?

Quirky

[Elizabeth CP]

I agree totally with Dools. It was very well put. Sometimes people can be so concerned about finding their true self rather than accepting we have different facets & different situations allow different facets to show. Worrying about it doesn't help. but as Dools pointed out learning about ourselves to gain insight into what helps or hinders is valuable. Even trying new things & accepting that it might not be right for us. That is not a failure but just a learning experience. On the other hand when something turns out to be good for us that is great.

Dools also mentioned other people. We are social beings & part of our community, family circle of friends so maintaining connections with others is important as long as we don't harm ourselves by trying to fit into others wishes at the expense of our own well being. It is about finding the right amount of self care & responding to others to suit our own needs

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone

Elizabeth,

Thanks for your post.

I like your last sentence "It is about finding the right amount of self care & responding to others to suit our own needs".

That is the trick to find the right amount of self care and knowing how to respond to other people so that it helps us .

I have realised learning to know ourselves and learn from others for me is a journey and a lifetime project.

Quirky

[quirkywords]

hello everyone,

have always thought of myself as being very independent in relationships.

I have been alone over the years as well as in long term relationships.

My partner is away travelling for a number of weeks and I wonder who I am, that independent girl or that needy old woman who does not even know what she wants to eat .

So do some of us define ourselves by whom we are with.

Quirky

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Quirky,

I wanted to reply, purely because your latest post resonated. I too have always been very independent in relationships...

For me personally, I think it partly stems from my strong need for personal space/autonomy. But also because I believe no one person can ever meet all my needs, and I certainly wouldn’t expect them to meet all my needs either, which feeds into my need to maintain a certain independence (or call it what you will) in romantic relationships.

Plus I really enjoy spending time in small groups and communities, which an intimate relationship can’t give me...so I’m that mix of both needing space for myself and wanting to be with others 🙂

For those reasons, I have always maintained a strong sense of self and put in time for other relationships in my life, such as aunts, cousins, friends, etc 🙂

Please don’t misunderstand me, it’s not that I don’t value all the beautiful things that a romantic relationship can provide me, and I get that my way may not suit everyone...

But for me at least, I need a fair amount of independence in relationships. In turn, I have always given exes space when they needed it, was happy to sometimes do things alone/with other people and actively encouraged them to maintain their other relationships in life.

I don’t know if that’s everyone else’s definition of “independence” in relationships is the same/different to mine. Mine is simply one of (many) perspectives to look at relationships 😉

In terms of self definition, my possibly unsatisfactory answer is “it depends.” I don’t think there’s one strict way that I see myself. My self perception changes, but overall I recognise some core/consistent traits.

In terms of relationships, I don’t necessarily “define” myself by them but I also don’t not define myself by them either. I integrate relationships into my self identity, but I don’t necessarily completely define myself by them either.

I suppose that I define aspects of myself based on relationships, but aspects of myself based on other things like self perception, etc.

Thanks for reading this long, and possibly tedious, post 🙂

Pepper

[quirkywords]

Thanks Pepper for your personal contribution to this thread.

I like your answer if it depends. I suppose it dioes not have to be the extreme of being totally natural and independent and the other extreme doing everything your partner does.

Relationships are complicated and complex.

Quirky

[quirkywords]

Be yourself, can you be yourself at this time of year when there is so much pressure from friends and family to socialise.

There is pressure to buy presents, cook amazing food and eat too much rich food and talk to people who upset us or with whom we have nothing in common.

Tell me how you can be yourself during the festive season.

Quirky

[Elizabeth CP]

Perhaps one thing is to think about why you do things.For example if you are buying presents or dong things just to suit others then stop. Often we are doing thingsbecuse we want to keep the connection so keeping that in mind helps to keep things in perspective. This is something I'm working on as I find it easy to slip into just feeling overwhelmed and trying to get everything done but I need to remind myself why I'm doing it so I can experience the pleasure rather than just doing it because i 'should'.

The other thing is to pick things which are important to you and find a way to do them even if it doesn't fit in with others. For example years ago we had salads at both my parents and my in-laws on Christmas day. I missed the traditional Christmas dinner. After that I cooked a roast chicken & vegetables on Christmas eve for just our immediate family with the best plates, nice drinks, Christmas tablecloth& a instituted a few other traditions I wanted. This allowed me to have the traditions I wanted & I could ft into whatever others chose to do Christmas Day without feeling I was missing out on what mattered to me. Obviously other people would have different ideas of what is important but finding a way to do what is important to you is good.

[quirkywords]

Elizabeth,

I think it is always getting the right balance between doing what you want to do and being flexible enough to fit in with others plans.

I think deciding what is important to oneself and meaningful is others, makes for a calm gathering.

Quirky

[Moonstruck]

Quirky, you asked "how can you be yourself during the festive season?" Well , my answer to that is easy...."I can't".

The media, shopping precincts, newspapers, magazines, neighbours....the majority of the society in which I live.....won't let me!!!

This is why I find this time of year SO stressful.....because I can't be myself. December 25 means no more to me than August 15....or May 23rd etc...to be the only one going against the tidal wave of enforced celebration and compulsory joy, is pretty scary.....it's agony for me until I am "allowed"once more to be myself... 8 days to go and I can breathe again!!

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone,

Moon thanks for answering my question but I think you are being yourself by sticking up for your values and not getting sucked into the consumer frenzy that is Christmas.

You are following your thoughts and nit following the crowd,

To me that is really being yourself.

Quirky