Be Yourself but who am I?

[quirkywords]

I have often been told to just be myself but then I am encouraged to be softer, think less, eat less, worry less, relax more , exercise more, be more confident, less timid, less cautious, more adventurous,less selfish, stop being a people pleaser, be happier, be kinder , ask less questions and the list goes on.

I find this confusing if I am to be myself why must I change?

The other problem is who am I, which self should I be: the introvert, the extrovert, the cautious, the risk-taker, the overthinker, the fast talker, the quiet one, the indecisive one, the spontaneous one, the carefree one, the worried one, the selfish one, the altruistic one, and much more.

Thse two words be yourself seem so easy for many people but not for me as it fills me with many questions.

I will limit myself to two questions .

Can you be yourself without changing?

Is it possible to change/improve a part of yourself and still be yourself?

Quirky

[quirkywords]

hello everyone
Moon thanks so much for honestly sharing all the changes in your life.
I knows it has been hard for you this year coping with some many changes. I can see how being on the brink can feel terrifying.

I find it confusing that I ant moving but stuck.
I can relate to being in transition mode. When people say to me are you recovered ?have you moved on, ? I want to scream. This year of all years we need to realise we are changing and we should be understanding.

I think our society has changed and will need to adapt.

I am not sure I liked the old me but I am Not sure about the new me. I am on a journey and it is a bumpy ride and maybe there is no destination.

So I am wonder how others feel they have changed this year .?

[Doolhof]

Hi Moon,

I was very moved by your open and maybe very raw emotional response to Quirky. I know when my babies died, I really struggled with who I was. I had dreamed of being a Mum. That did not happen. I think I still struggle at times when I am depressed and that is because for me, I don't accept who I am.

I long for something I wasn't able to have, to be an identy that was never mine. It has made me question how much of my life have a squandered away because I was not able to see that I am okay as I am.

Loosing a partner is something I have not experienced. I can only imagine how you are feeling and coping.

My desire for you would be that you can find a way to live with who you are now and to grow into the new aspects of "you" without too much trauma. It is hard to move on when people we love and care for are no longer with us.

Life can be hard when we feel our identity has gone, and we have no idea who we are anymore.

Thinking of you Moon, from Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi Quirky and All,

In answer to your question Quirky about how I have changed this year, I don't know that I can state that the Corona Virus changed me a lot this year. My mind was very screwed up already before the virus even hit us! So I can't blame the virus on my mental state.

I have been fortunate to live in a state of Australia that did not suffer from severe lockdowns like in Victoria.

Someone stated that we all had this extra time on our hands due to the shut downs so we could become home cleaning goddesses, our gardens would be perfect, we would have created lots of arts and crafts projects, have read a hundred books, do courses on line and so on.

My point is, my mind was already screwed up. How is being shut down and being stuck at home supposed to help me miraculously feel like I want to achieve a thousand different goals?

That didn't work for me. My mental health got in the way of being able to use all that down time productively.

I'm starting to feel a little bit better. Now is the time for me to try to push myself to do activities and make the most of each day.

One of my biggest changes is trying to accept my mental health is here and some days it just does its own thing, if I like it or not!

Cheers from Dools

[quirkywords]

Dools

your response to moon was very moving and emotional.

This life sentence is so poignant.

Life can be hard when we feel our identity has gone, and we have no idea who we are anymore.

I think so many can relate to that .

Thanks Dools and Moon for being vulnerable .

[quirkywords]

hello everyone, all are welcome to join in or read.

In 6 days time it will be 2021.

What does that mean for us as individuals or as a society.

Why is such a fuss made about another year when it is another day.

For me NYE is personal as it is a year since black summer changed my life.

Have I changed? I think I am more skeptical, more impatient and less trusting but also more understanding, grateful and compassionate I hope.

So many have had so many changes this year, so much grief and loss, so what does a new year mean? any ideas?

[Moonstruck]

Quirky.....I came across your thread and for the first time I can recall, I am asking myself that same question now? As you may recall, my partner died 8 months ago now..(yes I know, I should be "over it)....and have realised an aspect of grief no one warns you about! I am not grieving just for him, I am grieving (maybe more) for "me". The "me" I was all those years when he was alive. I have lost her. I cannot get her back. She is as dead and gone as he is.

I can live without him...but how do I live without "myself' I miss her terribly. I am grieving deeply for her. No I haven't gone insane.....this "loss of identity" I have read can be quite severe. Mine is anyway. So I am asking the same question as you are now....."But who am I".

I don't know how to be anyone else but myself. But the self I've been for so long is gone. what do I do now?

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone reading,

Moon

Thanks so much for asking your question but I may not have any answers or be the person to ask as I can relate to what you are saying but my circumstances are different.

Firstly I would never say that someone should be over it as there is no use by date for grief and loss.

You ask such a familiar yet difficult question "I can live without him...but how do I live without "myself' I miss her terribly."

Now I don't have wise words .

I wonder if the self you feel you lost when your partner died was different from the self you were before you met?

Do you feel you have lost the old you because you don't feel now the way he made you feel.?

What part of you that is gone now do you miss the most?

I hope others see your post and have more helpful comments.

I will think about What do I do now? and will get back later.

[Elizabeth CP]

There are those who think you should get over grief by a certain time. But they are people who haven't experienced what you are going through. I havent lost a partner to death so my situation is very different to yours. My partner has a degenerative condition which has had a profound effect on our life. Like you missing the person you were I also miss the person and the life I had before he became disabled.

[smallwolf]

Hi Moon. Firstly, sorry to hear of your loss. I noticed in your post you indicated you should be over it. Personally speaking, should is word that I have to try not to use and replace with "wish". But this is not about me... I just you know there is no timetable as to if or when life returns to any sort of normal, if that is what we want to call it, as it is probably a different normal. Following from Elizabeth's post. some people might have a delayed reaction to loss. Whether it takes days, months, or years depends on many things.

If I may ask one thing... what is different in the way you act now vs (say) last year or 2 years ago? What do you feel is missing in yourself?

(Please do not feel compelled to answer the questions.)

[Doolhof]

Hi Moon,

It is lovely that you have had such thoughtful, kind responses from Quirky, Elizabeth and Tim. I too agree that grief can be a very long term happening for some people. It would be lovely if grief had a use by date, it just doesn't happen that way.

I've not had a partner die, I have had relationships that broke down and changed the person I was, it can be hard working out who we now are without the significant other person in our lives. I am certainly not suggesting that a separation is any where near the same as a death. I'm just trying to work out feelings and emotions around being someone different than whom we desire to be due to a loss.

My thoughts are with you . The death of a loved one certainly does change dynamics and the people we are.

Kind thoughts to you from Dools