Be Yourself but who am I?

[quirkywords]

I have often been told to just be myself but then I am encouraged to be softer, think less, eat less, worry less, relax more , exercise more, be more confident, less timid, less cautious, more adventurous,less selfish, stop being a people pleaser, be happier, be kinder , ask less questions and the list goes on.

I find this confusing if I am to be myself why must I change?

The other problem is who am I, which self should I be: the introvert, the extrovert, the cautious, the risk-taker, the overthinker, the fast talker, the quiet one, the indecisive one, the spontaneous one, the carefree one, the worried one, the selfish one, the altruistic one, and much more.

Thse two words be yourself seem so easy for many people but not for me as it fills me with many questions.

I will limit myself to two questions .

Can you be yourself without changing?

Is it possible to change/improve a part of yourself and still be yourself?

Quirky

[Elizabeth CP]

I think it is great if we have something we feel we are good at and enjoy. Unfortunately some of us like myself when we think about being good compare ourselves to others. I was a maths teacher but I've not got a PHD or come up with the equivalent of Einsteins Theory of Relativity so I knew there were lots of people better than me. I know that is a far fetched example but it illustrates the point. We can always see someone better than us so we are just mediocre. Attempts to be 'good' at something just remind me of what I lack.

My psych encouraged me to think in terms of 'good enough' instead. This means identifying what is important to you individually when doing something & aiming for that standard. For example I used to struggle with my housework. Of course 'everyone' could do it better than me. Now I focus on what matters to me & do it to that standard so it is good enough. My husband is blind so having everything in its correct place is important so we can both find things. I need to feel comfortable in my environment so having things around me that I like to look at including nice plants outside the windows is important. If the windows aren't spotless or the towels aren't changed daily it doesn't matter because I'm focusing on my standard not others. Getting fit for me means being able to walk & explore where I want without feeling exhausted. Lifting 200 kg or running a 25 km marathon is of no interest to me.

The same principle applies to everything you want to do. Focus on what matters to you rather than what others can do. Aim to be 'good enough' to reach Your Own standards.

[quirkywords]

hello all,

lizabeth thanks for another thoughtful post,

I with good enough or adegquate as good makes me think I am bragging.

I like you words and I was trying to see this in my post but as usual became confused and confused others!!

Focus on what matters to you rather than what others can do. Aim to be 'good enough' to reach Your Own standards.

That is great to hear in a world where unless you are the best at something you feel less worthy so then people think why bother!

Quirky

[Elizabeth CP]

My definition of 'good enough' is not bragging. To me bragging is making out you are better than others & putting others down to make yourself seem better. In contrast aiming for 'good enough' is accepting we are human & therefore not perfect. We accept that others may be better than us in doing things but we are just focused on what is important to us as an individual.

At the moment I'm ill so get frustrated because I can't do much. I try to remind myself that at this time the most important thing is to recover so I need to rest as much as possible. 'Good enough' today is just making sure my husband & I have a simple healthy meal nothing else is important until I get better.

[quirkywords]

Hello all

Elizabeth, you are right about good enough. I made so many typos last post my meaning was obscured. I meant I had a problem with the word good as it has a judgment attached. I am good at something then someone else is bad.

I know that is not at all rational but that is who I am. also as a child was told never to say I was good at anything as it may mean I was bragging.

I would like to take on your understanding of good enough but first I have to let go of how I was brought up.

thanks again for your input to this thread.

quirky

[quirkywords]

greetings everyone,

have a question,

Do you feel you know yourself better than others? If so would you ignore advice from others as they dont know you as well as you do?

Everyone welcome to comment.

Quirky

[Ggrand]

Hello Quirky and all..🤗..

I think we all know ourselves better then anyone else ever could...

No..I don’t ignore advise given to me by others..especially here on BB...as the advise given to me by others here is from their heart and are trying to help me...Thats something that I value and appreciate so much...I also listen and try any advise that my mh team suggest I should try..

People..in r/l...family friends etc....Yes I’ll listen and take it all in...and think about the advise with an open heart and mind..then decide if it’s of benefit to me yes I’ll listen, do, act on that advise..but if it’s going to be detrimental to me....I’ll definitely ignore that advise....

Grandy..

[quirkywords]

Greetings all,

Grandy thanks for your comment.

I think on one level we may know ourselves better than others, but at times I know I am too close to myself to see the big picture.

An example, I know if I eat too much chocolate ,and fatty foods, which I really like it is not food for me but I still at times eat too much chocolate. I have the knowledge but I don't follow through .

I think assessing advice we get from others is a good idea and also looking at the source of the advice.

When I was manic people told me I needed help yet I continued to wreck havoc as I thought I was having a great time. I did not know myself at all however I was not able to take on help I needed. It took me many years to realise the damage I was doing to myself and others.

Thanks Grandy . I look forward to other comments.

Quirky

[Elizabeth CP]

I agree with Grandy that we do know ourselves better than anyone (apart from cases where illness eg mania or cognitive issues clouds our understanding. Unfortunately sometimes our willpower/ motivation is not strong enough to overcome temptations we know are bad for us. Yes chocolate is a problem!!!

The other thing is knowing ourselves doesn't always mean knowing what will help. For example I may know I feel sick but need the GP to assess & diagnose me & then use her expertise to prescribe treatment. There are lots of activities I've never tried so I don't know whether they'll suit unless I try them. Having someone else share their experience can inspire us to try something or we may decide base on our own experiences that it will not suit us. For example someone knowing I love adventure may recommend skydiving. They tell me about the exhilaration & the views which appeal but I know I hate being out of control so anything involved with falling or sliding down is extremely scary so I know that for me skydiving is on my list of don't EVER do.

Years ago when I had my 1st child and was struggling my neighbour told me you'll get lots of conflicting advice on parenting so choose 1 or 2 sources you trust & listen to them & ignore the rest. She was a midwife & had her own children. I liked the way she treated them & I agreed with her values so I chose to listen to her. Another mother tried to give advice but I was horrified by the way she treated her step children so chose not to trust her advise. The same applies to any advise or suggestions filter it based on whether you trust the source & also how it fits with your knowledge about yourself. A few times my psych has recommended things I've disagreed with. I have listened to his reason but then explained why I think it is wrong for me. This has helped knowing he is willing to listen to understand me & thus built up more trust.

[quirkywords]

Waves to everyone reading,

Elizabethe thanks again for your well thought out comments.

think this sentence is what I was trying to say but you pit so well.

"The other thing is knowing ourselves doesn't always mean knowing what will help."

I suppose that's what I mean, that sometimes other people who you trust may see what you need but we are so close to ourselves we can miss something obvious.

I am enjoying reading people's ideas.

Quirky

[CMF]

Hi all,

Definitely think I know myself better than others, especially those that don't understand or know my anxiety. However, I'm always interested in how others see me and open to ways on bettering myself.

CMF x